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Recovery...does it have to be his or mine?

Old 10-10-2011, 01:18 AM
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Recovery...does it have to be his or mine?

I've come to realize that there are certain things that go unsaid in Al-Anon. I was very resistant to it in the begining because of my personal beliefs about some of the ideas that I thought were promoted...
I was wrong. I am using my meetings to gain insight and learn more about what I need for ME...and my serenity.

I'm not sure that my marriage can survive recovery. His or mine.
I'm realizing daily that there are things I don't want to live with. There are little things..and very big things.
As always though...it must be about him.

He keeps forgetting that I have a say in this too. I have choices and I am able to competently decide what is best for me....
My serenity matters too.

I'm just feeling very disconnected right now...he's in a "all about me" phase and no matter what is going on ...it gets turned into HIS feelings, his wants and what is important to HIM.
I just have no patience for that.

I don't know...maybe I'm growing. Maybe I'm just seeing things clearer...

I'm attending my al-anon. I got a sponser and I'm working on the steps...but I'm still feeling very weird about it all.
My boundaries are clear on the alcohol but not so clear on the other things...basic relationship/marriage stuff.

Am I weird? Is this still 'adjusting'?
Will I feel better about this stuff later?

I'm just feeling a bit lost about how I feel and whether this is where I want to be...
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Old 10-10-2011, 04:21 AM
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I don't know the answers for you, but I can tell you that I had/have similar feelings. As I work my recovery program, my fog is lifting. I see my marriage and life much clearer. I have had little epiphanies - Aha moments!- where I have sudden awareness of the situation, particularly the things I dont like/aren't working for me.

When I have those moments, my sponsor has suggested that rather than jump into action. I sit patiently and work on acceptance and more will be revealed. This has helped me tremendously as I am a very reactionary type of person.

Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon
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Old 10-10-2011, 09:17 AM
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I'm just feeling very disconnected right now...he's in a "all about me" phase and no matter what is going on ...it gets turned into HIS feelings, his wants and what is important to HIM.
I think that this is "normal" in recovery. And I think when you're two people in "parallel" recoveries, both parties need to be able to detach, take a step back, and each work on their own recovery.

If he is being a complete cling-on and demanding that you behave a certain way in order to facilitate his recovery, he's doing it wrong.

I also think that recovery by necessity means making that discovery, that
I have choices and I am able to competently decide what is best for me....
It can be a scary discovery, but it can also be very freeing. And whether he gets your freedom of choice or not is less important than that you do. You don't have to solve all the problems or make all the choices today. Big hugs.
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Old 10-10-2011, 09:30 AM
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BITW - what I am finding is, as I am starting to implement some of the concepts / ideas I have heard about (act versus react, rules versus boundaries, allowing AW freedom to make own decisions, etc.) I am noticing that she has many of the same habits, issues, etc. - as I am forming a clearer understanding of what is acceptable/unacceptable in relationships, I can see her unacceptable behavior for what it is, and act accordingly.

For example, in the course of an hour she told me I could not talk to some acquaintances (son's friends) because "she can't be around that" because one of them had invited me to breakfast at a restaurant with a bar - she then started trying to make some VERY strict rules about who I could speak to and what I could say - I've listened to that kind of crap for over 10 years now, always told myself it was fine and I could live with it if it made her feel more secure because I'm not very social anyway, but by accomodating her crap all I earned from her is more crap.

Alanon says we cannot control others, which is true, but I connect most deeply to the concept that we have no RIGHT to even TRY to control others - when I saw AW's efforts to control my relationships, my "new" alanon way of thinking jumped in and "you have no right to dictate / control me" popped out of my mouth, almost of its own accord.

Some drama ensued, but her "new" AA concepts must have also kicked in, because she stepped back at some point and said, "I never thought of it like that - I can't control who you talk to or what you say - I need some time to think about that" - amazing.

At this moment I have no idea how things will end up or if this will last, but I guess the moral of the story is that as you grow either AS/O will grow with you or he won't, but don't hold back. Who knows, occasionally people surprise us.
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