why does it hurt so much?
 

broke up with ABF after two years, with three sober months out of 22. the sober ones were the best we'd ever had. horrible and terrifying, too, to be his support during the detox, but also a time when we grew stronger, more in love, friendship grew rock solid, without lady liquor forcing a menage-a-trois.

but he decided to start drinking again, thinking he could "control it this time," and swore up and down that if he couldn't, he would quit for good. spent the last four months switching between "worried about it," "working on it," and "it's not a problem, why am i lying to myself?" and of course, once a pickle, never a cucumber.

he is back to 15 beers a day, with an extra in the middle of the night so he can go back to sleep. he is miserable, depressed, and says he thinks about killing himself "all the time." he told me i deserved better than him, that i am in the prime of my family-making years, and i am wasting my time with him. bless his heart, and screw him for being so selfish. he told me i was his best friend, the love of his life, that he wanted to marry me, have kids, etc. he even has an engagement ring for me. but he said he wanted to get himself sorted out before he could commit. and that he was scared of committing to me because it meant he had to give up drinking. which was just so sad to me, to think, again, to have reaffirmed, that i will always be second to alcohol.

part of me is worried about his health and well-being...drinking, depression, and frequent thoughts of suicide are a recipe for disaster. while i want him to bottom out and push himself up, i don't want him to hurt himself (more than he already is). i have a perhaps naive hope that my leaving will force him to hit rock bottom, clean up, and then some day we can be together. i do love him, i want to be with him, but i know our relationship is intolerable, and completely dysfunctional at this point.

he has an appointment with a psychiatrist/addiction doctor this week, and part of me really hopes that he goes and decides to quit. even then, i think it would be weeks or months (or never?) until i took him back. and maybe he may not want me then. but he says that i am his best friend, and he does not want to lose me. i feel the same about him. despite the alcohol, he has been nothing but a good man to me; he has never laid a finger on me, raised his voice, forced sex, etc. (i know these are low standards, but i'm just saying). in fact, he has been there for me, through thick and thin, and been a huge source of support as i go through a really challenging period in my life. (but am i lying to myself here? he has been supportive, but what would a partner who is not betrothed to alcohol do, and how would he support me?) and i cannot imagine living without him; what it would be like if he were not in my life anymore. i guess i will find out. but for now, it feels like he has just died. i have been sobbing all day :(

i guess it is all still very fresh, but for now, it feels like there is a huge, gaping hole in my heart, or maybe even that my heart isn't there anyway; it's hidden under lock and key because it cannot stand to have any more pain.

I am so sorry for your pain, I can assure you that if he does not get help alcohol will always come first in his life, you will always be waiting and wanting.

Maybe he will get it together someday, it's very hard to watch someone you love destroy themself. You are doing the right thing, you cannot fix him, you need to work on your own recovery, heal your own heart.

Please come back often and let us know how you are doing.

Peace be with you.

Bill

Dear corageous
Place yourself first
Take care of your needs, you are important too... he has his own journey, and you have yours....
My XABF never even tried recovery, 3 years post breakup I am still healing, so I can only imagine what you are going through... It hurts, when someone betrays your trust.
((hugs))

Courageouscrane-I broke up with my exabf after a roller coaster ride of three years-binge, argue, verbal abuse, apologise, detox, sober up then start the cycle all over again. tried everything, nothing (according to him) "worked".

I moved across the country to join him, to make a life together and as of now, I am making it on my own. I found AL-Anon, a good counselor and am now putting my life together one day at a time. It was only when I could accept that I had no control over his decision to drink and that the only things I could change were within me that I began to become more grounded and look to making my life better.

At one time, I could not imagine life without him and in doing so, kept trying for that life, to fix him, to wait for the next stab at recovery, to hope that we could be together forever. What hurt the most was the fact that it was an illusion on my part-it was what I saw as our life together. Acknowledging the grief on my part that this would never happen hurt like hell, it still hurts, I do still love him, but know deep in my heart that I had to let him go.The reality was that alcohol would always come first in his life-before me, our dreams and plans and frankly, it was more lonely for me with him than without him.

Take care of yourself, acknowledge your hurt and grief, keep coming back here, to Al-Anon, whatever it takes to help you begin the healing journey.......

Many Hugs coming your way......

Yes I mean XABF has been drinking these last 3 years. I would still be there waiting for a miracle.

Ends are also beginnings.

I recommend the book "the Grief Club" by Melody Beatty, its about coping with all kinds of change including losing an alcoholic. Mourning an active alcoholic was the most difficult time of my life ever. Take it easy. One day.. one hour... one minute at a time.

PS There are wonderful great people out there, who would never ever DREAM about hurting you this way. Meeting some of them has been worth the initial hurt. (I do not mean romantically, just meeting people as friends, knowing there are good hearted ones just like you)

Risking sounding inconsiderate here - I would say it is time to reframe the relationship in your mind. Sure - you coulda, shoulda, woulda had that great relationship with your best friend and lover if only....

We mourn the "if only's" and they aren't real.

It has been amazing to change my perspective to reality. And my reality...I don't even like this person. Ugh! And I force myself to keep that in the forefront on my mind, overruling my emotions of missing the "coulda, shoulda woulda beens"

And lastly - your BF is at least wise enough in his disease to recognize he can not give you what you want and deserve so take his advice! You loved him genuinely and authentically - he is not ready for that - you are in the prime of your family-building years...don't waste any more time on someone who is not where you are in life.

Take time to grieve.