Need Experienced Family Intervention Ideas-Comments

Old 10-08-2011, 10:42 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Need Experienced Family Intervention Ideas-Comments

I am asking for some ideas, comments and a sense of direction with this situation...For those of you who know my story, Im going to keep this as simple as I can without writing a page full...

XAH went to 28 day rehab @ $10,000 - Came home started drinking.
Packed up and moved back East. Lives with his brother.

His family blamed me for his drinking. We got divorced.

Now 10 months later, his brother has seen the facts.

His brother calls me today and tells me that he is going to go visit his family this week. So they can talk about some type of intervention. Keep in mind he is going from east coast to west coast to do this. But he is not taking his alcoholic brother with him.

He asked me alot of questions and I asked him alot of questions.

I asked: How does he look? - He said, he looks 10 worse than when he got there. Not showering for days. Eats one meal a day. Works everyday. But still drinking, but hey, he's not drunk everyday... Doesnt drink coffee anymore.
I asked him, What is he drinking then?...He said, "Water"..I laughed and told him to check the water bottle for vodka...

He expressed that is overwhelmed and full of burdens, but then he said, he's my brother Ive got to help him.......I went dead silent. Almost gasped for
air, then the tears began to flow....

He asked me: Do you think we should put him in rehab? But you know
he would miss 28 more days of work and he cant afford that

He asked me: What do you think about family intervention?

He asked me: What do you think we should do with him?

He asked me: If I would gather some information for him, because he
works alot of hours and doesnt know what to do. He wants information
to share with his family regarding interventions vs. AA....

This is what I told him: I spent $10 grand, it did not work. AA and the
mercy of God is free whenever he decides he wants to live. I cant, You
cant make him, change him or cure him. It breaks my heart, but I just
cant fix him.. Wish I could click my heels 3 times, but it does not work that way.

I told him, that I would get some feedback from my friends on
this and get back with him. Geez, where were they when I needed them? uggg....oh well, that's not how I roll...

I am trying to decide if I should write one letter to them all. Why? The problem we have with his family is, he hasnt lived by them since he was
18. So they only know, what they really see today. Im thinking if I clue
them in a bit, it would help them understand, this just didnt happen. He didnt
become an alcoholic overnight...Good idea or bad??

Do you recommend that I help them ideas? Or is that all his business?
Im really confussed on this one. I have cried for 2 solid days. This
just got added to the top of the cake.

I dont know much on family interventions...Any ideas, thoughts?

Do I help or do I run?
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Old 10-09-2011, 01:04 AM
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Interventions can work - I have been involved with one - but there have to be consequences if the person fails to choose rehab. Consequences such as you no longer have a job, place to live, etc. Get his boss to go in on this if he/she will. Also rehab is mandatory, I've never heard of an intervention to go to AA. But it sounds like no one wants to spend another $10k? Get a professional to do this, you cannot do it yourself IMHO.
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Old 10-09-2011, 01:30 AM
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Email the brother and say,

"Just as I could not help him, I cannot help the family." Your best bet is for each of you to either get private counseling or go to Alanon FOR YOURSELVES."

You are out of it, you know that. You know the 3 C's. You did your best.

Please, as much as you still care for the man, you KNOW. So continue to work on you, say a prayer that their HP's will guide them.


Love and hugs,
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Old 10-09-2011, 05:53 AM
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Hands off the alcoholic, this is not your battle to fight or become involved in.

Continue to detach, work on you, this is your ex's problem to resolve, you did what you could, it didn't work, please let go, for your well-being.
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Old 10-09-2011, 07:05 AM
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It's no longer your job. It never was in the first place.

If you were still involved with your ex, this would be an appropriate and supportive conversation to have with his brother, but as you are not, they are now trying to drag you back into drama that is no longer yours.

Just as you couldn't help him quit drinking, you can't help his family learn how to deal with the drinking, and what is more, if you provide all the information for the intervention then you are setting yourself up for potential blame from them when it doesn't work. You don't have all the answers, and you don't have to have all the answers.

Let him go.
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Old 10-09-2011, 08:27 AM
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God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
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Old 10-09-2011, 08:40 AM
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There's a good book on Interventions called "No More Letting Go" by Debra Jay. Recommend it (or others), and then back off.

As his ex, participating in the family issues only keep you tied to him. It also helps hold firm your boundaries that you won't have this man in your life as an active alcoholic.

I am so sorry this is happening, bit I also imagine it is very validating for you to know you weren't the crazy one making it all up.
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Old 10-09-2011, 09:39 AM
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I can offer that family intervention seems to have worked for my RAF; he did go to and complete rehab, and has given AA another chance. His recovery seems to be going well so far, and he may have saved his marriage, tho he did lose his job as a result of his behavior before going into rehab.

But for you, it is probably best to step away and let your X's family deal with it on their own. I am sorry you are being pulled back in and having to go through all of the painful emotions that come with that.
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Old 10-09-2011, 05:59 PM
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Send them an email with a link to this forum and wish them luck.
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Old 10-10-2011, 10:30 AM
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All weekend long, I have thought & prayed on what to do with this situation. I have re-read your post 10 times.
It does lay heavy on my heart, I wont lie.
My head got screwy thinking, MAYBE, his family could save him...Okay, I got that thru
my head this weekend. I cant, they cant....

Tough thing to do is step back and watch someone die.
But I looked in the mirror and saw those dang black cirlces back under my eyes.
Not healthy looking thats for sure.
Time for me to back out and let his family & God take control....

Time for me, to get my rear end back on track. This I do know!

Thanks for your comments, they helped me more than you will know!!!
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