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This "A" stuff has me face down today!!

Old 10-07-2011, 01:17 PM
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This "A" stuff has me face down today!!

Came across this in a reading today. It totally struck me, it struck me like a bolt of lightning...

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."

The more I thought about this. I felt more anger inside of me than I have in long time.

Hoped for?? Yeah...I really hoped for this! I hope, prayed,cried and begged he would quit drinking....

The past few months has been a trial for me with addiction. I've got clients, friends, strangers, that pour out there problems to me, asking questions, seeking help or just wanting to share their story of addiction.

I just want to scream...Do I look like I have a Alanon label on the front of my forehead or what??? I've had many face to face conversations with God, asking him, Why me?? I dont want to deal with this crap anymore...Then the next day, someone else walks thru the front door and ask me for help or advice....Wondering if this is my sign or my trial? I dont know today, I just want to run away...

I wont lie, today Im angry. I just want the person I married back in my life.
I know he is gone and is never coming back. Guess, it's one of those grieving days.....

I never had to do the months of facing him thru a divorce or really saying good-bye. He packed up his things and walked out the door and havent seen him since. It's a blessing on one hand, and a real grieving stage on the other.
It's like a death...Of never getting to say Good-Bye...Im pissed!!!

I dont want to deal with no more addiction and I dont want to hear it from anyone else today. ...A year ago, I never had to deal with any of this ....

Addiction, it's everywhere I go, it's everywhere I look
Im pissed, and sick of hearing it, sick of seeing it, and sick of dealing with it.

His brother in law called me last night and said they were talking about us in a family conversation. He tried to explain to them, that I didnt hate him.
I interupted him and said "No, I will always love him, I just hate what he has become" - I thought about that all night long, deep down it pisses me off
and breaks my heart.....

OMG...I am rambling on today. Time to close up shop, go for a walk and go buy myself some chocolate!!! - Thanks for letting me vent my PISSEDOFF
mood swings today....Wow! Havent had one of these in months...
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Old 10-07-2011, 01:53 PM
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I wrote my xH a good-bye letter. My x left me, we cheating on me, he filed for the divorce.

After I had been on my own, I had aperiod of time when I, too, was angry......really angry. So.....I wrote him a goodbye letter.

I just poured it all out. I wasn't going on about how I wanted him back in my life. I just wrote about how I had been hurt, how I knew he had been hurt, too. And I let him and the marriage go......

I never sent the letter.

But it was good to get it out.....

(((BobbyJ))) I hope that this stage passes soon! Hugs, HG
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Old 10-07-2011, 02:45 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
loss is loss whether they walk away under their own power or get wheeled off on a gurney....and it is very natural to notice that absence in our lives, especially when we didn't get a vote.
Well said...thanks anvil!

BobbyJ, hope chocolate and a walk works. If not, there's always screaming in your backyard!
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Old 10-07-2011, 07:08 PM
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I know I hoped for peace when in the midst of chaos...separating from the crazy-making A was the only way I could achieve that...you deserve peace and you can make that for yourself now.

hugs
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Old 10-07-2011, 07:22 PM
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Sorry you are having bad day. It's ironic b/c I often think it would be easier if my stbxah just left never to be seen/heard from. Instead he's around lingering, trying to deny the alcohol is the real problem, still denying. When things are so hard and painful, any scenario often seems better than what we have.

There is so much pain with this wreck of alcoholism. At least you are recognizing your moods are off and you are super angry. Hearing just a little of your story, who wouldn't be angry?!? I too still love my husband very very much. I think this path would be much more manAgeable if I hated him. But we feel what we feel. We can continue to make good choices in our own best interests (like chocolate!) but it's so normal to still feel sad, angry, rejected , hurt. Please know you are not alone. I thought when I was done living w/ the A, the emotions would stop. But now it's like I'm not on the big roller coaster, but still maybe the roller coaster in kiddie land. It's still lots of hurt and sadness and dissapointment. Hope you are feeling better. Tomorrow is a new day! Hugs...
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Old 10-07-2011, 10:28 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
loss is loss whether they walk away under their own power or get wheeled off on a gurney....and it is very natural to notice that absence in our lives, especially when we didn't get a vote.
This is how I am feeling today, too--my RAF is moving out of my life and I didn't get a vote. He's about to legally become my former coworker, altho I have not actually worked with him since June. His alcoholism and his behavior cost me a long-time ally at my workplace. And possibly a close friend as well, tho the jury is still out as to whether we'll stay in touch. So I'm mad at him for what he's done to our 15-year relationship. Especially now, since his recovery seems to be going well. If he hadn't screwed up so badly, he would have been allowed back to work at our company and things could go back to the way they were, only with him sober and better. Of course I know that's not happening and most days I am reconciled to that and to both of us moving on. But some days I just really miss him.

So hugs and strength to everyone who's feeling some sort of loss today.
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Old 10-07-2011, 11:11 PM
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The update: It got WAY worse. I was busy at work today and missed hitting the answering machine off....A bunch of customers were in there and heard his lovely message that he felt he needed to leave me....

(Im full of "F" crap, Im a *****, He's done, It's over...but I still love you!)

I got on the phone and called the phone co right away, cost $6 per month to block his number from a business phone. So I have no choice, except, to sell one of his vaulable toys to pay for the phone blockage for a year!!!

This dropped me to my knees. Cant take anymore.
Drunk is drunk....

I was trying to be nice and hold his valuable toys, until he decided to ever get
sober and come home and get them.

My choices are: To be nice, fall apart & continue to be on a rapid weight lose program
in the midst of a hurricane...
Or sell his crap, pay the phone blockage bill and buy some grocerys & eat in peace!

So next time, I post one of these bad days, someone kick me in the butt please!!!
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Old 10-08-2011, 05:10 AM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
I was trying to be nice and hold his valuable toys, until he decided to ever get
sober and come home and get them.

My choices are: To be nice, fall apart & continue to be on a rapid weight lose program in the midst of a hurricane...
Or sell his crap, pay the phone blockage bill and buy some grocerys & eat in peace!

So next time, I post one of these bad days, someone kick me in the butt please!!!
Hugs! I know there are some who think that stopping what we call being nice, which I suppose is really hope/enabling/codepedency should be as simple as "just stop" but I know it's not. You've probably done this your whole life with more than just him and you've got to be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to figure it out.

I've been emailing myself posts/journal writings from when I am most upset so that I can find and read them when I am inclined to try and "be nice" to AH. Maybe it's a little masochistic but it works for me.

I'm sorry you're hurting and I'm sorry for all the loss you;re feeling. It's unfair and it sucks.
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Old 10-08-2011, 01:16 PM
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I'm so sorry were all dealing with this.... I still love my EXABF It hurts and Yes I do have anger... But Loving Him At A Distance, Is So Much Easier Than Being In The Middle of His Chaos... I choose to have peace and harmony, but that doesn't mean that I Don't Miss The Person I Fell In Love With, But that person was never there to start with, He just had me blind sided, But I Still Love Him... But It Took Loving Me Enough "To Walk Away" Now He Has To Learn To Love Him-Self To Get Better, And I Have To Accept That It May Never Happen...
This Is What I Love About This Board, I Can come here and Read, Post & Even Vent and everyone shows me so much love and support.
Bless You All
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Old 10-08-2011, 02:16 PM
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Sell his sh$t, be done with it. Buy a nice thick steak and savor each bite. The longer
you keep his "stuff" the longer he controls you.

Sorry, however, you know what to do...do it.
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Old 10-08-2011, 05:53 PM
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give him 48 hrs. to get his stuff or sell it....if that is legal
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Old 10-09-2011, 06:59 PM
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Originally Posted by hydrogirl View Post
I wrote my xH a good-bye letter. My x left me, we cheating on me, he filed for the divorce.

After I had been on my own, I had aperiod of time when I, too, was angry......really angry. So.....I wrote him a goodbye letter.

I just poured it all out. I wasn't going on about how I wanted him back in my life. I just wrote about how I had been hurt, how I knew he had been hurt, too. And I let him and the marriage go......

I never sent the letter.

But it was good to get it out.....

(((BobbyJ))) I hope that this stage passes soon! Hugs, HG
I did something similar when I had been carrying the hurt and anger against my ex too long. I sat down and wrote him a letter on the computer telling him how he made me feel and how badly his actions have forever changed me. Then I read it over, tried to picture him reading it, realized he'd never in a million years be able to get what I was saying and that there wasn't a damn thing I could do about that, and I closed the page without saving it. I felt better afterward. Even laughed a little.
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