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Venting in 3...2....1..

Old 10-07-2011, 08:06 AM
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Venting in 3...2....1..

I was talking to a dear friend the other day and somehow the conversation fell onto XABF (I totally wasn't even asking for it!!). And now it's peeving me so just I need to vent a little about it.

She told me that he is dating around again and is potentially back with the woman he cheated on me with, but ALSO potentially seeing another girl in a different group of friends.

It's none of my business at all what he does, but dang it's only been a few months since we've broken up!! It's not about him, but that makes me angry. And makes me feel worthless. It makes me feel like he doesn't appreciate all the love and effort I put into our relationship for the year and a half that we were together. It feels like our relationship is being devalued. Here he is dating around and most likely trying to "erase" me from his mind when I genuinely cared enough about him to have stuck around for so long and have given him so many chances. Really??? These random girls that you've known for all of a few days are "there for you" or something.

It also makes me angry because for months and months I have been STRUGGLING post breakup. Feeling lonely, depressed, and at times angry as well. Why is it that he, however, doesn't actually have to deal with any of the sadness or anger or ANY of the emotions from the breakup? Why is it that he can just go around and date other women to numb the pain? When I have been sitting here day after day trying to work on myself, and not even thinking REMOTELY that I can drown out my pain by haphazardly dating and clinging on to any man that comes around? Why does he seem to get the easy pass out of this? That's not fair!!
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Old 10-07-2011, 08:25 AM
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Because he really doesn't have any deep lingering feelings about the breakup. He has moved on.

Sometimes we must face the truth, you made the decisions relating to your relationship with him, you chose to stay, you chose to give him chance after chance. No one forced you to do this.

I am sorry that you are struggling to get over this relationship, however, getting out and dating may just be what will help you. You cannot control what he is doing, you cannot control his feelings..or lack of them...all you can do is control you, work on you and move forward with your life.

Life is not fair, we all know that, all we can do is make the best of it.

Focus on you, forget about what he is doing.

Take care...Dolly
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Old 10-07-2011, 10:29 AM
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This is what I needed today!

I had given my stbxah chance after chance after chance. Finally, after 23 years of his abuse and alcoholism he is out of my house. I still have the restraining order and the kids can't see him nor can I.

I know he is with another woman. It's only been since 9-10 that he has been out of the house. It's killing me just thinking about it. But, he is still drinking and doing whatever drugs so I know deep down in my heart that if there is any relationship between the two is prolly only sex for my husband. He is not capable of having any relationship but getting his physical needs met. I do feel bad for the woman but even by looking at him you know he is sick. I just hope she doesn't get the abuse me and the kids did.

I, also, feel that I'm not important to him, or the kids, etc. But, it was his choice not to get help and I know I deserve way better than the way I was treated for all those years.

I am not ready to date. I have too much baggage I need to work on. Yes, I want to be with a man but I cannot have a relationship.

This too shall pass!
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Old 10-07-2011, 10:52 AM
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Dolly is right, life isn't fair-maybe fairness is something we shouldn't expect-except we are taught the virtues of it in childhood. It's really only an extension of the unfair treatment you will have suffered because of his drinking-I really see that as selfish behaviour on a par with being unfaithful. He didn't care what you thought when he was out of it, similarly he wouldn't care what you think of his dating habits. You rightly feel bitter because you, like a lot of us, have tried to put things right.
It probably won't take much to remind you why you broke it off, and it probably won't be too long before you are with someone who values you (as much as you should value yourself!).
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Old 10-07-2011, 10:53 AM
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People can only make you feel worthless if you let them.

So stop your "stinkin thinkin" and don't let his behavior have any power over your feelings. Don't let him win.

And wish the other girls luck - they are gonna need it, whereas you have a whole new life to live!

You will find someone who is worthy of what you have to offer. And you will someday look back on this and breathe a huge sigh of relief.

Hang in there!
~T

PS I love the thread title - brilliant!
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Old 10-07-2011, 11:34 AM
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Try thinking about each word in the Alanon Slogan "Live and Let Live"

You are right that it is none of your business. If 'helpful' friends what to discuss your Ex it is a perfect opportunity to exercise a boundary... "I'd rather not hear about ExABF, thanks."

-Brian
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Old 10-07-2011, 11:55 AM
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bruingirl

I kicked my exABF out about five months ago and still have the ups and downs. The one thing that sustains me is to remember the reason I could not live with him anymore. It makes me realize that I cannot ever go back to that life. He still gets plowed and sends texts to my sister about how his new GF is better. All that does it make me think she should start visiting this forum NOW.

Hang in there and be strong. If he has moved on, good for YOU.
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Old 10-07-2011, 12:04 PM
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Originally Posted by bruingirl View Post

It makes me feel like he doesn't appreciate all the love and effort I put into our relationship for the year and a half that we were together.
He doesn't.

This is your point of view, not his. He just does not care.

So, should you?
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Old 10-07-2011, 12:10 PM
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Bruingirl, maybe it helps to look at it this way, you had a relationship, he had a girlfriend. The levels of commitment are completely different.

Hang in there.

Your friend,
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Old 10-07-2011, 04:14 PM
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Yeah I know I shouldn't care and I shouldn't let how he is treating the relationship make ME feel worthless. But I guess it just takes time and I am definitely trying to teach myself that every day...baby steps. I get it for the most part but some days I just feel sad.

I guess the other thing that bogs me down sometimes is the fallacy that he is living in a fairytale now. When in reality all he is probably doing is using and befriending/ girlfriending more hostages in his disease. Just gotta keep reminding myself that!
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