My AH aint so bad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Boston
Posts: 123
My AH aint so bad
So, why do I get so angry and disgusted? I am very, very newly sober (13 days). My husband and I have known each other for 5 years and have been drinking buddies. Difference is, he was a heavy drinker prior to our meeting, I was not. I sometimes drank too much prior to meeting him, but I did not drink regularly or feel the need to. Over the years, it has become clear to me that I have developed a drinking problem. Finally had enough and now trying to stop. He has not been drinking as often, but I feel he is just trying to "prove" to me he doesn't need to. The problem is, he is now going a day or 2 only drinking a few beers, and then he goes overboard on the third day. When he starts drinking I just get so mad. I don't say anything to him about it. Then he goes about his evening being productive all the while drinking. I did notice he got pretty angry today before he had a few beers, yelling at me, etc. He is not ruining his job, finances. He's not violent. He doesn't eat dinner though on the nights he drinks more than 1 or 2. Why do I get so angry? Is it because I want to still be drinking? I do get a craving around 5pm every day because this is when I would typically start, but that goes away pretty quick. Then when he gets into about 4 tallboys and it becomes evident he is tipsy, I really become disgusted. Right now, he is in the other room being productive, maybe working or something. I know he is drunk or at least heavily buzzed. It makes me feel like he doesn't even have a problem! I was the one who was blacking out and staying in bed half days with hangovers. I was the one with major mood swings. Was I the alcoholic? Plus I honestly don't even want to be around him when he is slurring words. I realize it wasn't too long ago that I was right there with him, but I just can't stand it!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Songtx,
Glad you are here,
How do you feel?
Are you jealous that he is still drinking, or jealous that you feel he can "handle it" and you cannot?
I will be here for you if you want to discuss it further.
Bill
Glad you are here,
How do you feel?
Are you jealous that he is still drinking, or jealous that you feel he can "handle it" and you cannot?
I will be here for you if you want to discuss it further.
Bill
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Only he can look within and decide if he has a problem.
The more important thing is that you seem to see you have one. And things don’t tend to make sense around us until we figure us out, our whys.
Watching someone else use is exhausting especially when your head starts running and you start to feel like you are the only one trying, putting time in, being responsible, doing the so called right thing, although I would question if for the right reason.
I was never disgusted by my husband using heroin. I was worrying, concerned and then down right pissed off, cause wtf I know that look of high, I get it, and when do I get to check out, shut down, not have to be on top of everything…Sick, yeah totally.
And when I picked up that first drink, very much feeling like I deserved and was entitled to it, well…lets just say I did know better.
I also understand how hard it is to figure out what is really up. I played a lot of maybe he isn‘t that bad, maybe this is not a big deal, always forgetting to ask myself if I was ok and to look at my actions instead of trying to figure out what his drug use meant to him.
Take care of you...
The more important thing is that you seem to see you have one. And things don’t tend to make sense around us until we figure us out, our whys.
Watching someone else use is exhausting especially when your head starts running and you start to feel like you are the only one trying, putting time in, being responsible, doing the so called right thing, although I would question if for the right reason.
I was never disgusted by my husband using heroin. I was worrying, concerned and then down right pissed off, cause wtf I know that look of high, I get it, and when do I get to check out, shut down, not have to be on top of everything…Sick, yeah totally.
And when I picked up that first drink, very much feeling like I deserved and was entitled to it, well…lets just say I did know better.
I also understand how hard it is to figure out what is really up. I played a lot of maybe he isn‘t that bad, maybe this is not a big deal, always forgetting to ask myself if I was ok and to look at my actions instead of trying to figure out what his drug use meant to him.
Take care of you...
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Only he can decide he has a drinking problem, just like you were the one who decided you had a drinking problem.
Nonetheless, it's clear that you have a problem with his drinking. Whether he's an alcoholic or not is merely semantics at that point.
What are you going to do for you?
(And congratulations on your new-found sobriety!)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Chicago
Posts: 57
Song - I relate, 100%. I was an alcoholic partner in crime to my AW for 8 years. I've been (mostly) sober for 3. Shortly before I hit bottom and got my sh*t together, I started to feel a lot of disgust being around AW when she was drinking. Sadly, that feeling has only gotten stronger over the past 3 years.
For me anyway, jealosy has absolutely nothing to do with it. I sometimes wonder if my own drinking merely blotted out that feeling for the first 8 years? Or if subconsiously, I look at her and see something of my former drunken self - i.e. some sort of projected self-loathing? Or maybe I judge my former self and thus judge her? All of the above? hmmmmm.....
Anyway, yes I agree with others, you are obviously not okay with the situation now and not only is the situation (AS/O drinking) likely to continue, but I can tell you the feelings may very well continue also.
Maybe alanon would help you work through it all? I am trying that now, wish I would have started 2 or 3 years ago.
For me anyway, jealosy has absolutely nothing to do with it. I sometimes wonder if my own drinking merely blotted out that feeling for the first 8 years? Or if subconsiously, I look at her and see something of my former drunken self - i.e. some sort of projected self-loathing? Or maybe I judge my former self and thus judge her? All of the above? hmmmmm.....
Anyway, yes I agree with others, you are obviously not okay with the situation now and not only is the situation (AS/O drinking) likely to continue, but I can tell you the feelings may very well continue also.
Maybe alanon would help you work through it all? I am trying that now, wish I would have started 2 or 3 years ago.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by Songtx 
So, why do I get so angry and disgusted? I am very, very newly sober (13 days). My husband and I have known each other for 5 years and have been drinking buddies. Difference is, he was a heavy drinker prior to our meeting, I was not. I sometimes drank too much prior to meeting him, but I did not drink regularly or feel the need to. Over the years, it has become clear to me that I have developed a drinking problem. Finally had enough and now trying to stop. He has not been drinking as often, but I feel he is just trying to "prove" to me he doesn't need to. The problem is, he is now going a day or 2 only drinking a few beers, and then he goes overboard on the third day. When he starts drinking I just get so mad. I don't say anything to him about it. Then he goes about his evening being productive all the while drinking. I did notice he got pretty angry today before he had a few beers, yelling at me, etc. He is not ruining his job, finances. He's not violent. He doesn't eat dinner though on the nights he drinks more than 1 or 2. Why do I get so angry? Is it because I want to still be drinking? I do get a craving around 5pm every day because this is when I would typically start, but that goes away pretty quick. Then when he gets into about 4 tallboys and it becomes evident he is tipsy, I really become disgusted. Right now, he is in the other room being productive, maybe working or something. I know he is drunk or at least heavily buzzed. It makes me feel like he doesn't even have a problem! I was the one who was blacking out and staying in bed half days with hangovers. I was the one with major mood swings. Was I the alcoholic? Plus I honestly don't even want to be around him when he is slurring words. I realize it wasn't too long ago that I was right there with him, but I just can't stand it!
I have no real answer for you, but just wanted to give you a cheer for your 13 days and echo those who said to concentrate on taking care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
Hey, song..just wanted to say hello, and give you a pat on the back for your recovery.
A bit to share about me and my xabf (or not x..who knows). I learned here about functional alcoholics and binge drinkers. That's the key for my situation. He holds a job (and is proud of it)..but has been drinking for his entire adult life. He just turned 63. Apparently he also did drugs when younger, but admitted once that beer replaced the heroin.
While we were together, the pattern showed up real quick. A "couple" beers during the week days. At first, he claimed he wanted to cut down/quit..it didn't take long for the resentment to surface. Weekends were party time, of course, with life long buddies, who of course, also drink..and why would THEY see anything wrong with what he was doing?
Like clockwork, weekends led to being drunk, unaware of what he said or did..and trust me, what he did was cut me down. And (according to him), he never remembered WHAT was said, so of course, how could he have been at fault? The last incident, he was drinking, with his ex..a worse alcoholic than he is..I got fed up and left. On the way out, he tried to tell me he loved me. The very next day, he refused to call (not for over a week)..and moved right on to hitting on the next girl. I still figure it was the easy way out, rather than admit or deal with his actions WHEN DRUNK.
Although I'm not his wife, and probably don't even have a relationship now...I still came here to deal with the confusion surrounding the pattern of how alcohol defined what went on.
And, most important..is the MANY posts here that could be written by one person. Change the names, change the location, change the booze of choice, change the legal/not legal status of the relationship, change if they are drunk every day or just weekends... the core is the same. They cannot or will not face being controlled by the drinking and addiction. And HOW DESTRUCTIVE it is, to their basic thought process.
While you may have been involved by also drinking.. the minute you seriously changed you, then your eyes start to clear up. And it becomes more apparent how serious his issues are. Just because it is not everyday, does not change the facts.
And YOU cannot fix his problem. You only can see it, for what it is. More important, you realize how deep your own black pit was, and you CAN CHANGE YOU.
I have not yet detached from my situation. I am changing my thinking, as far as what I choose to allow in my life. He stopped by today, and claims that he has been getting HIS drinking under control. Do I believe him? At this moment, I sincerely DON'T KNOW what is true from him (and have said as much, straight to his face). I have no idea if he still cares about me, even though he says he does.
Take it for what it is worth.
A bit to share about me and my xabf (or not x..who knows). I learned here about functional alcoholics and binge drinkers. That's the key for my situation. He holds a job (and is proud of it)..but has been drinking for his entire adult life. He just turned 63. Apparently he also did drugs when younger, but admitted once that beer replaced the heroin.
While we were together, the pattern showed up real quick. A "couple" beers during the week days. At first, he claimed he wanted to cut down/quit..it didn't take long for the resentment to surface. Weekends were party time, of course, with life long buddies, who of course, also drink..and why would THEY see anything wrong with what he was doing?
Like clockwork, weekends led to being drunk, unaware of what he said or did..and trust me, what he did was cut me down. And (according to him), he never remembered WHAT was said, so of course, how could he have been at fault? The last incident, he was drinking, with his ex..a worse alcoholic than he is..I got fed up and left. On the way out, he tried to tell me he loved me. The very next day, he refused to call (not for over a week)..and moved right on to hitting on the next girl. I still figure it was the easy way out, rather than admit or deal with his actions WHEN DRUNK.
Although I'm not his wife, and probably don't even have a relationship now...I still came here to deal with the confusion surrounding the pattern of how alcohol defined what went on.
And, most important..is the MANY posts here that could be written by one person. Change the names, change the location, change the booze of choice, change the legal/not legal status of the relationship, change if they are drunk every day or just weekends... the core is the same. They cannot or will not face being controlled by the drinking and addiction. And HOW DESTRUCTIVE it is, to their basic thought process.
While you may have been involved by also drinking.. the minute you seriously changed you, then your eyes start to clear up. And it becomes more apparent how serious his issues are. Just because it is not everyday, does not change the facts.
And YOU cannot fix his problem. You only can see it, for what it is. More important, you realize how deep your own black pit was, and you CAN CHANGE YOU.
I have not yet detached from my situation. I am changing my thinking, as far as what I choose to allow in my life. He stopped by today, and claims that he has been getting HIS drinking under control. Do I believe him? At this moment, I sincerely DON'T KNOW what is true from him (and have said as much, straight to his face). I have no idea if he still cares about me, even though he says he does.
Take it for what it is worth.
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