SamDreams

I have been reading on this forum for a couple of months before joining yet still was afraid to post and still am...

My story is, a relationship over 21 years I left in the middle of the night or I knew I wouldn't make it out alive. Talking about it is hard and (I know that only those that have truly been there would know and understand).
So I don't.. certain things are better kept quiet perhaps...
Fast forward 18 months.. met a guy was nice, funny, caring and turned completely crazy when I wouldn't move in nor marry him. And as I pulled further away the length of what he is capable of was and still is frightening. Took me months, having him arrested twice,r/o all of it.. (3-4 times a year I still get the "Breathing is too good for me" texts). sigh.. Which I ignore.
A year later I met a great guy... sober for 4 years,(LIE) working the program(LIE),voluntering at the animal shelter, ect.. 4 months later serious relapse... binge/blackout drinking.. lost everything.
Enabler Extrodionaire that I am I took him to a shelter, They have chores, bible studies that are required ect in order to stay. So for a year he was sober. Occasionaly I went to meetings with him. I'd never ever been to such a meeting before and even I was able to walk away with a lighter step.
After 3 months of being there I took him to get a cheap prepaid phone and paid for only that month the rest was on him. My reasoning for this was him being able to find gainful employment. Which he did
He worked saving to pay off his dui dines, did everything he was suppose to and things were good between us, very long indepth convo's. We shared quite a bit, And I found myself sharing more than I would have normally done. After his paying off most of his fines,and getting an apartment, I agreed to have the utilities turned on in my name.. yea..mistake. After the 1st month I shut off the internet/cable. But did not shut off the electric nor the gas. He lost his job yep drinking again...at 1st I was not aware of this as he is capable of functioning very well. ( I now know when he's been drinking by the manner in which he speaks)
His drinking got severe and in Dec he went to a detox called me to tell me that he was there and that his bac was 289... and was prideful of this.. really? A bit later he calls me from a bar ( he needed another drink before he went back) I hung up on him...
Fast Forward & 2 more long relapses.. I am at a loss.
This man is capable of working the program, knows what the deal is and how it is done.
Yet if he chooses a sponsor (sponsor he had when I st met him pretty much washed his hands of him)
It is someone that is not that active in the program if that makes sense?
1/2 the effort is what I see..why even bother... I say nothing.
Does not follow through and isn't working the steps period. I know this, he knows this and knows I know it.
I want to say here that I do not mention this as these are his choices!
What gets me the most is the waste, and the lies.. Lord the lies are enough to make me snatch myself bald!
He lies when the truth would serve him better and knows it.
Aside from the drinking he knows that this is major thing. Calls into question everything, and I believe nothing period. No gray area here! Again I don't call him on it... My reponses are short and sweet..
Really? Thats Great... Awesome...
Worst part is the slip ups in the convo's, Lie much?
Or when he's expaining whatever it happens to be at the time and I throw something out there to which he will take and run with it...I just hang up.. sigh...
1 thing that really gets me is recently he texted something he never says unless hes been drinking all the while lying about drinking. I was on lunch break and replied "call me when your sober" he went off.. totally just full of himself...Thats it he's had it,he's done! blah blah.. texts me the next day met a girl but he isn't putting out though.. WTF? I didn't respond... on the 3rd day he texts he's going to detox can I call him..
I do he's waiting at detox and I hear how he woke up in a driveway in some alley... wow....
Says he has to go.... then calls me a bit later he's downing a small bottle he just got with the remaining money he had. I hung up... a bit later phone rings again he's got the detox lady on the line to let me know he's there and safe. Spent 4 days there then left and again lied about when he left...
I am guessing it isn't hard when you lie keeping up with all the crap you weave...
I'm not the brightest one out there but I sure ain't dim every damn day!
I have my moments though...lol
Mostly it's the wanting to argue with me to what? justify? give him cause,a reason to drink?
I don't play that, never have.
I learned a long time ago when to keep my mouth shut.Because once it's out there, you can't take it back.
Bruises heal, words etch on your soul.....and the pain can be great.
This too angers him about how my silence speaks volumes. Waiting a couple of hours or a day or so to speak is in my opinion giving me a different perspective to the issue at hand.

2-1/2 years of this and wondering wtf I am doing here? 2nd place to the Lady "V"odka

And why is it that alcholics seem to do well in structured enviroments but on their own crumble?

I am sorry this is so long, just needing to speak is all

Thank You for listening/reading

Sam

breakingglass

i just left my AH after 4 years of abusive behavior, lies, all that goes with it. all i know is that i will never again be bullied by some foul mouth drunk who tries to belittle me and put me down. i'm up to stay! you should lose all contact with this person.....

outtolunch

Let's forget about the alcoholic for a moment.

Sounds like you have a tad of history with lousy relationships. How come?

So what about the current situation causes you to stick around?

We codependents have this knack for obsessing over people and situations we don't control.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself. I'm glad you are here and sorry about what brought you here.

One of the great things about this forum (as well as painful ) is the support and encouragement to put down the magnifying glass that keeps us focused on the alcoholic - and pick up the mirror and look at ourselves.

Here at SR (and at Alanon) I find the strength to look at myself. My life. The life I do have control over, and the life that matters most.

Have you considered Alanon or counseling?

Alanon helped me. I found the face to face support, materials, steps and traditions to be valuable tools is taking charge of my life.

Please let us know how we can help you as you begin your recovery journey.

Willybluedog

Welcome Sam,

Glad you found the strength to come here and post.

I don't have any great mind-blowing insights for you, as you read here you will see many similar codependent stories and how finally many have found the strength to dump the losers.

Are you getting help, a therapist may be able to help you with your decisionmaking processes.

Are you taking care of yourself, eating right, getting enough sleep, prayer or mediatation, exercise?

Please post again, let us know how things are going, I will be here to listen.

Peace be with you.

SamDreams

OTL, Do we not have some sort of history with bad relationships?
The 1st went horribly wrong after 16 years, with that amount of time invested 1 does not usually cut and run. Does one not try to retain the balance if you will? I did because the man was changing before my very eyes. I did this twice the 3rd time I could not.
As for the 2nd I dated him 2 months he asked for marriage, I declined and said I couldn't date him anymore and I didn't. It took me 13 months to get rid him!
My current and perhaps last.. I am So Done! Messed up as it maybe, It is the 1st time in years that I have been able to be honest with any 1 person and just share with out the fear of what I say.



Pelican,Thank You! I am not able at this time to get to Alanon meetings, in my area they are on nights I have to work.I do attend open meetings at AA, although I am not alcholic, it does give me insight, and helps me to think of things on a different level.
I have thought of counseling, as there are times when I feel I am standing on the edge.
And I agree so much with the mirror, at times I am not sure I even know who I am.


Willybluedog, Thank you as well, Decision making is twisted at best I am afraid.
But I do know what needs to be done. Just hard...
My work is physcial and keeps me healthy, don't eat meat,except bacon
My strength in my faith is strong. Write a lot and draw. Sleep is usually night mares, but thats getting better.
My only vises are "ine" Caffine and Nicotine, although the coffee is almost gone from my diet.


I have and will continue to read here, there is a lot of strength in the words written here.

Willybluedog

Sam,

You may want to check this out, my psychiatrist has put me on Prazosin for nightmares, they were using it at the VA for blood pressure and a side benefit was nightmare elimination in PTSD patients.

I take 2 one mg tabs at bedtime and no more nightmares, and no side effects.

It has been a real blessing fo me as I have battled chronic nighmares and night terrors since age 4.

PS as my daughter says "everything is better with bacon". If you are a bacon fanatic check out the J&D foods website they have all kinds of crazy bacon stuff.

Take care,

Bill

outtolunch

I mean no snark/ offence, Sam.

Your picker seems to be broken or perhaps you allowed yourself to be chosen instead of choosing.

Good for you to cut your losses sooner rather than later.

Mightyqueen801

[QUOTE=outtolunch;3128061]Let's forget about the alcoholic for a moment.

Sounds like you have a tad of history with lousy relationships. How come?

So what about the current situation causes you to stick around?

We codependents have this knack for obsessing over people and situations we don't control.[/QUOTE]

Of course we do. How else are we supposed to avoid facing our own issues?