GettingBy

Hey folks -

I wanted to give you a brief update on where things stand. We are moving full steam ahead with the divorce process. Negotiating the division of assets/liabilities and child support right now. As for child custody, AH wants joint - I'm pushing as hard as I legally can to have sole custody. I spoke with the attorney about it yesterday and she said it really all depends on the outcome of the CPS investigation. She did say that its a good thing I did call CPS - otherwise, I would have had little to no chance of doing anything but joint custody. AH has said, "I'm done drinking. I have stopped because I will not risk losing my children. I would have never stopped for you!" (QUACK!) Yeah, so he's not drinking... for now. White-knuckling at best. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm not backing down on my request for sole custody. I don't trust him, nor should I at this point.

Things seem to be going amicably on the division of assets - for now. AH is quite pissy about the amount of child support he will have to pay - but that's just tough ****, as far as I'm concerned.

The house is on the market - and I'm saying my prayers that it gets sold quickly.

I have finally accepted that there is nothing more that I could have done to save this marriage. I know my AH has put the blame squarely on me - I understand that's his disease. It doesn't make me feel better, but it does help me understand/accept what is.

Divorce sucks. It hurts. I'm struggling with my self-esteem. Working hard at surrounding myself now with people who build me back up. Doing my best to avoid my "failure" thoughts. I see my disease, and I know my faults did play a role in our relationship - but I have to be careful to not beat myself up, or take total responsibility. It's so hard. Everyone keeps saying, "You can't even begin to imagine how much better life will be 6 months from now!" Hope... that's a good thing.

Anyways... thanks for listening. I am so glad you're all here!
Shannon

breakingglass

it is a tough road...but dont' wish your life away!! that's what my BF always says to me when i say "i can wait for a month to pass".

and i too have looked in the mirror and i can say with all the confidence in the world that i have give it my all and there was nothing more i could have done.....

hope you sell you house soon

MsPINKAcres

((Shannon))

Divorce is hard - regardless of all the reasons, details and even if we know it is for the best for us and our children.

Try to remember the HALT - Hungry, Angry, Lonely & Tired - to help you take good care of you ~ know it's difficult with the full plate - but to be the best at all you have to do right now, you have to take good care of you!

Pink Hugs,
Rita

BobbyJ

Remember back when...

Lamaze Class 101:

They would say: "BREATH"

Then in time, you delivered a baby, a hole new beginning in your LIFE!!!

That's what it's kind of like.

You have to work on that breathing techinque for awhile

but in time, you will have a new LIFE!!!

vujade

[QUOTE=GettingBy;3127946]Everyone keeps saying, "You can't even begin to imagine how much better life will be 6 months from now!" /QUOTE]

Add me to that group. It DOES get easier over time. I felt all of the thing you are feeling: guilt (because of my children), sadness, uncertainty, anger, failure. Those are all normal responses to such a large change in life. But they do pass and not only does life get easier, it gets so much better than it was for years before.

My XAH also said he was going to turn his life around. We are 18 months past that statement and whereas it did have a little flutter of "better", his lifestyle not only went back to where it was before, but WORSE since I wasn't around to gloss it all over.

I had a period of time where I felt that maybe I had acted to hastily. Then I realized that 12 years of marriage, 2 children, 5 years of active addiction, 1 bankruptcy and countless broken hearts was not hasty and that i was not willing to increase any of those numbers...

Try to be kind to yourself right now. I can't honestly say that I was and it put me in a very bad place for awhile.

Remember...we can't save the world but we can save ourselves. Focus on that for now and everything else will fall into place.

Hugs.

Tuffgirl

Divorce does suck.

That said, living this crazy-train ride of a life sucks even more.

I look forward to the end, because as long as this continues, my life teeters on unmanageable.

But it sucks, I agree.

Hang in there. Take each day as it comes.

Bernadette

Nail on the head Rita!!! Such good and often unheeded advice!
Peace,
B

GettingBy

THANK YOU. My AHs is on his "best behavior" right now... and I'm just not buying it. Past behavior/experience says this will be short lived, very short lived.... especially once I'm out of sight/mind.

LaTeeDa

Someone once posted on here that you can spot true recovery from a mile away. That seems like the best vantage point to look for it.

L

Pelican

I read the book "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay while going through my divorce. I'm glad I did. It has helped me in many areas of my life, and I still have positive affirmations posted on my mirror (in my new home/apt).

Sending hugs and encouragement

wanttobehealthy

Is it just me or does the best behavior stuff almost make the feelings you described having (guilt, fighting the failure feeling, self esteem sucking... I'm there with you on all of it) that much more intense... We KNOW it's a temporary act but it's hard to see it and hear it and not be impacted... Is he under the same roof still with you? That can't be easy.

I hope you are able to have sole custody. It's what I want too and perhaps some of my dragging my feet (well in addition to having zero money for a lawyer while unemployed) is that I'm hoping AH will do something that will put me in the position to show why I should have sole custody. Like you, it's nice to think that it would be awarded based on telling of our concerns, journals where we've documented etc.. but that's not what I'm being told either. It sucks.

Hang in there Shannon. You've had huge things occur in the past week-- I won't preach and say "don't feel guilty, don't feel bad about yourself" bc if it were that easy you wouldn't be feeling those things! Talk to people when you're feeling your worst-- that's been my lifesaver of late.

xo

Cyranoak

I'm sorry for your pain, but I still say this to you:



IMHO you are doing all of the right things. At this point it's about what's best for you and the children. What he wants is completely irrelevant.

GettingBy

Thanks Cyranoak... I've missed seeing you around here! Good to have you back

I'm moving forward one step at a time... it feels good. I really feel clear about what my job/role is for the kids. I can't control what my AH does, but I sure can control MY Parenting, how I talk to them, and help them understand/detach from his choices/behavior. I will not alienate him from them - but I sure as hell won't defend his crap.

I know he's a sick man - and for the most part, I do okay with staying detached. It's hard when he's in a full disease temper tantrum though. I have found myself starting to get sucked into the dance... not anywhere near the extent I used to though. I have made some great progress.

Today, I'm very proud of myself.

m1k3

GB, way to go. I have to agree with everyone else. You are doing a great job. Keep it up.

Your friend,

vujade

All things in time, friend. I took 15 months to follow through with divorce. I needed to give myself that time to see where the trend would take him...and me. I needed to allow him the space to make some serious changes or allow myself time to fully accept that it really would never change. The day I hit divorce court...I can't really explain all the emotions I felt...but the one I did not feel was doubt. There was some peace, some sadness, some nervousness...no guilt, no shame, no doubt.

Give yourself time and space to adjust and heal. You deserve it.

fedup3

as vujade said the day the divorce happened there was no doubt that it was the right course to take but it takes time to grieve the end of a relationship that maybe at one time was very good, that's where I'm at right now it sounds like that's where you are too, but I know we'll both get beyond this stage and begin to live again.

BeProactive

Yes, Divorce is tough but living with an alcoholic is tougher, especially on the kids. Keep remembering the reasons for the divorce whenever things get overwhelming..I sometimes read my journal (right now, I am just journalling the visitation timings and happenings, but previously did some writing when things got bad) because time away is tending to make me forget the details..that helps me..

Want to wish you good luck and lots of strength during this very difficult time..

Tuffgirl

But in regards to moving forward...yesterday:

1. I took some $ out of my personal savings and bought some new clothes. 'Different than the old me' clothes. Cute skirts, tall boots, fun vibrant blouses...stuff to make me feel good.

2. I bought a new comforter, sheets, and curtains for my bedroom and threw out everything from my marriage. Well, what didn't go in the trash got cut up and went into the rag box in the garage.

3. I boxed up EVERYTHING...cards, notes, photos, wedding items...and put it in the garage. Couldn't quite part with it all just yet, but definitely moved it all out of sight. I know someday it will go from that shelf to the garbage. I'll know when it is time for that.

4. I bought two new dog tags with MY phone number on them. Silly, maybe, but important.

5. I wrote a note to the HP & universe that I am ready to move on and to give me the strength to do that. Had a good nights sleep for the first time in a month.

I woke up this morning feeling relieved. Now I finally have a direction to go in. And that direction is going to be much, much better than this.

We didn't deserve to get dragged through someone else's addiction, but here we are. One door may be closing, but so many more doors will open up. I trust that this was not my path, therefore there is a path out there waiting for me to find it...this time with eyes wide open.

I am looking forward to the next chapter, and I hope you will find the same peace and sense of excitement soon, too. I know I may not feel this way in an hour or tomorrow but right now, I am enjoying the heck out of the 200 lbs of dead weight being out of my life for good.

Happy Friday!

LaTeeDa

This:

did so much for me! Taking back my bedroom, reclaiming my sanctuary. Ahhh, what a wonderful treat. I highly recommend it to anyone newly separated or divorced.

Way to go TG!

L

GettingBy

Amen. I'm giving him "our" bed, and all the bedding that goes with it (even though I just bought it about 7-8 months ago!)... because, well, I want a fresh start. I will take the guest bed with me, and sleep on that (a full-size mattress) until I am able to buy a new bed, bedding, etc.

I'm fortunate because I have a solid career, and am able to support myself financially... for that I'm very grateful today.

Tuffgirl - thank you for posting your progress!! I love it!