Is my boyfriend an alcoholic?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: London
Posts: 20
Is my boyfriend an alcoholic?
Hi guys, I'm new here and have been reading lots of the other posts. I have been learning a lot about alcoholism over the last few months, especially about detatchment and help for myself.
Mainly though I would like reassurance in asking 'Is my boyfriend an alcoholic?'
He drinks every day. June 2010 he was taken to hospital suffering severe withdrawal symptoms, heart palpitations etc.
This year thngs hit rock bottom - he was drinking about 8 beers each day plus half a bottle of Vodka. He was off work for 4 months and went into rehab where he attended AA meetings and completed 'step 1' of the 12 steps.
He came out of rehab sober but after three days started drinking again (only 3-4 beers each day) and this has continued every day.
He is no longer going to AA and he no longer goes to counselling.
He says he is better now: 'normal'
But I disagree.
Drinking makes him very tired and wobbly and sometimes he is cruel to me. It affects his sleep, and therefore mine. And his personal hygiene. I wish he could go a couple of days a week without drink. He says he could, but doesnt want to.
He says I am being unreasonable in my opinions but I dont think I am.
If I knew he is still an alcoholic I would feel better! I would no longer doubt my feelings and I would feel more confident in myself.
Hope this makes sense!
I would really appreciate your opinions please
x
Mainly though I would like reassurance in asking 'Is my boyfriend an alcoholic?'
He drinks every day. June 2010 he was taken to hospital suffering severe withdrawal symptoms, heart palpitations etc.
This year thngs hit rock bottom - he was drinking about 8 beers each day plus half a bottle of Vodka. He was off work for 4 months and went into rehab where he attended AA meetings and completed 'step 1' of the 12 steps.
He came out of rehab sober but after three days started drinking again (only 3-4 beers each day) and this has continued every day.
He is no longer going to AA and he no longer goes to counselling.
He says he is better now: 'normal'
But I disagree.
Drinking makes him very tired and wobbly and sometimes he is cruel to me. It affects his sleep, and therefore mine. And his personal hygiene. I wish he could go a couple of days a week without drink. He says he could, but doesnt want to.
He says I am being unreasonable in my opinions but I dont think I am.
If I knew he is still an alcoholic I would feel better! I would no longer doubt my feelings and I would feel more confident in myself.
Hope this makes sense!
I would really appreciate your opinions please
x
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by juliep 
Drinking makes him very tired and wobbly and sometimes he is cruel to me. It affects his sleep, and therefore mine. And his personal hygiene. I wish he could go a couple of days a week without drink. He says he could, but doesnt want to.
He says I am being unreasonable in my opinions but I dont think I am.
If I knew he is still an alcoholic I would feel better! I would no longer doubt my feelings and I would feel more confident in myself.
Hope this makes sense!
I would really appreciate your opinions please
x
He says I am being unreasonable in my opinions but I dont think I am.
If I knew he is still an alcoholic I would feel better! I would no longer doubt my feelings and I would feel more confident in myself.
Hope this makes sense!
I would really appreciate your opinions please
x
Based on your words, you have a problem with his drinking and his behavior. It does not matter what label we attach to his behavior, it matters how his behavior is affecting you.
I do know this from experience: Alcoholism is progressive. It does get worse. If you could take each of those points that I marked in bold (above) - and make them worse - you may have an idea of what my life became as I ignored my gut feelings about living with active alcoholism. My sleep was constantly interrupted by snoring, late nights, etc. The anger and abuse escalated. Then there was the loss of personal body functions, ew. And also - the loss of trusting myself after believing all the blame-shifting, denial, manipulations and lies.
Trust your gut. It is trying to tell you something very important.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand and we are here to support you.
This is one of my favorite links to a permanent post on the forum. It contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 137
It's nice that you're in a big city. You will meet l of people who will help you through this time.
Check this out:
Al-Anon London, UK Meetings List
Check this out:
Al-Anon London, UK Meetings List
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
If this were Vegas or a horse race I would put all the cash and borrow some more to bet that your boyfriend is definately an alcoholic ... the signs on the roadmap are classic and as has been said the disease is progressive and extremely destructive for all concerned if he is in fact an alcoholic in deep denial.
Keep reading and posting ... read the stickies and books recommended and find some meetings in your area. This will help you immensely as you learn more about what you most likely are dealing with and how you can help yorself first in order to help others affected including your loved one.
It is difficult path but you are doing the right thing by researching and networking ... good luck and prayers your way.
Keep reading and posting ... read the stickies and books recommended and find some meetings in your area. This will help you immensely as you learn more about what you most likely are dealing with and how you can help yorself first in order to help others affected including your loved one.
It is difficult path but you are doing the right thing by researching and networking ... good luck and prayers your way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Michigan
Posts: 73
He may only be drinking 3 -4 beers a night right now but I'm am pretty sure that he will only be able to keep that up for a short time before he will drink more and more. I know I am an alcoholic until he takes this seriously and believes he needs to change than nothing will change only he can decide. Just take care of yourself set your boundaries with him. If he truly is an alcoholic he has to decide that himself but by no means do you have to stand by and watch him to destroy himself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Yes he fits the definition of an alcoholic.
He does not fit the definition of sobriety. He does not want to stop drinking and it's progressive.
You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.
You can, however, decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone who has no intention of remaining sober. No way you have any control over him or his choices. If it's unacceptable, you remove yourself ( the only person you control) from the situation.
He does not fit the definition of sobriety. He does not want to stop drinking and it's progressive.
You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.
You can, however, decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone who has no intention of remaining sober. No way you have any control over him or his choices. If it's unacceptable, you remove yourself ( the only person you control) from the situation.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I'm with Pelican...it doesn't matter if you label him an alcoholic or a green spotted cow. What matters is that his drinking bothers YOU. It obviously doesn't bother HIM.
Now the ball is in your court. You decide whether you want a relationship with someone who is mean when sober, lacks personal hygiene, and hyjacks your sleep when he's blotto. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me.
And FTR, my exah "only" drank 4 Grolsch beers, 500 ml each, every night of the week and maybe more on week-ends. I used to think that the number wasn't so bad since he used to drink a bottle of Jack daily...then I did the math: 500 ml x 4 = 2 liters of beers every.single.day. I have trouble drinking my 2 liters of WATER everyday...
Food for thought.
Now the ball is in your court. You decide whether you want a relationship with someone who is mean when sober, lacks personal hygiene, and hyjacks your sleep when he's blotto. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me.
And FTR, my exah "only" drank 4 Grolsch beers, 500 ml each, every night of the week and maybe more on week-ends. I used to think that the number wasn't so bad since he used to drink a bottle of Jack daily...then I did the math: 500 ml x 4 = 2 liters of beers every.single.day. I have trouble drinking my 2 liters of WATER everyday...
Food for thought.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: London
Posts: 20
Thank you all.
Pelican, what you have endured is so familiar. Its a comfort to me to know I am sane, and not being unreasonable and my gut instincts are right, no matter how maniplative my bf can me.
Thanks also for the link.
I also have comfort from those of you who reassured me that he is and always will be an alcoholic. As someone once told me - once you pickle a cucumber it can never go back to being a cucumber.
I must have confidence and faith in myself and my beliefs and instincts. I must stay strong and practice detatchment.
Thanks again for all your advice, I can see I am going to get a huge amount of help here. Hopefully in time I will be able to give advice too.
xxxxxx
Pelican, what you have endured is so familiar. Its a comfort to me to know I am sane, and not being unreasonable and my gut instincts are right, no matter how maniplative my bf can me.
Thanks also for the link.
I also have comfort from those of you who reassured me that he is and always will be an alcoholic. As someone once told me - once you pickle a cucumber it can never go back to being a cucumber.
I must have confidence and faith in myself and my beliefs and instincts. I must stay strong and practice detatchment.
Thanks again for all your advice, I can see I am going to get a huge amount of help here. Hopefully in time I will be able to give advice too.
xxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
JulieP, how many times has my partner called me unreasonable for wanting a normal environment, and how many times she has said I'm the reason she drinks-I stress her out etc. At one point I think I started believing this, I think you will find a common thread for everyone on here is that the drinker becomes manipulative, and there will always be some justification for what they do.
I think you should check out al anon-it will give you a more objective view of the situation-ie detachment.
Good luck.
I think you should check out al anon-it will give you a more objective view of the situation-ie detachment.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Welcome Juliep!!
For years I stayed stuck in my relationship with my husband - because I needed to know for certain - IS HE AN ALCOHOLIC?!?! I felt like if someone could confirm that he was - then... then what? Well, my plan was - get him sober and then everything would be better. If he wasn't, well, then what??!? Crap - that meant it was something else - but what? A personality disorder? Or just me?!? I ran in circles trying to figure out The Answer.
What it boiled down to for me... is (as Pelican said) Unacceptable Behavior. His drinking was unacceptable to me. The way he talked to and treated me was unacceptable. The "why" of his behavior stopped mattering. Why does he do those things? I don't know... and it's not my business to figure it out. That's his job. My job is to decide how I want to be treated, see if that's how I'm being treated... and if what I'm getting isn't working for me... I need to make decisions to protect myself.
That's it. Very simple... but not easy. Especially after having spent 10 years living with my husband's behavior, struggling to control/change things I had no control over. Al-anon and a therapist have been instrumental in helping me get my sanity back
I'm glad you're here!
Shannon
For years I stayed stuck in my relationship with my husband - because I needed to know for certain - IS HE AN ALCOHOLIC?!?! I felt like if someone could confirm that he was - then... then what? Well, my plan was - get him sober and then everything would be better. If he wasn't, well, then what??!? Crap - that meant it was something else - but what? A personality disorder? Or just me?!? I ran in circles trying to figure out The Answer.
What it boiled down to for me... is (as Pelican said) Unacceptable Behavior. His drinking was unacceptable to me. The way he talked to and treated me was unacceptable. The "why" of his behavior stopped mattering. Why does he do those things? I don't know... and it's not my business to figure it out. That's his job. My job is to decide how I want to be treated, see if that's how I'm being treated... and if what I'm getting isn't working for me... I need to make decisions to protect myself.
That's it. Very simple... but not easy. Especially after having spent 10 years living with my husband's behavior, struggling to control/change things I had no control over. Al-anon and a therapist have been instrumental in helping me get my sanity back
I'm glad you're here!
Shannon
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