boomerlady

OK, here's my story in short form. I'm attending al-anon for 4 1/2 yrs. now. I've done marriage counseling on my own for several years. Back in March, I told AH that he had to go to counseling with me. Surprisingly, he went and we went together about 4 times. The 4th time we went, I told him in front of the counselor that his drinking was a deal breaker for our marriage. Shockingly, and I mean that because I didn't expect anything from him, he said he would quit. When we reached home we talked and he said he would quit on his own! If he couldn't quit, he would go to counseling and/or a doctor for drugs to help him quit. Well, that was in June and between now and then, he's maybe quit drinking for 30 days straight. So he drank in front of me on a few occasions since June, but a couple of weeks ago I realized he was drinking behind my back. This was due to his behavior and the smell of alcohol on his breath. I said nothing about it because I knew he would be drinking in front of me all the time very soon if suspicions were right. Sure enough, last week he drinks in front of me and then lies about it when I innocently asked him to taste the juice he's drinking. I then confronted him and he made some huge excuse....quack, quack. Last night, I come home and he's drinking wine. He says I decided it's too boring not to drink and I didn't drink for 3 months already!! I said "yeah, right more like 30 days maybe". I told him he was still trying to prove he's not an alcoholic because he's always insisted and still does that he's not. He thinks he can drink occasionally and maintain a lower level of drinking. He told me that he's going to drink 90% less than he did before....like that's believable...LOL.

I was just appalled and upset that he would ignore and break the boundary that he had agreed to and then not even tell me until I confronted him. But then again, I think I'm putting way too much faith in what an alcoholic told me when he said he would quit. I've truly had it with his behavior when he drinks and this has been going on for 35+ years.

My counselor and my friends think that I need to give him an ultimatim or contract. Something like.....I leave if he doesn't seek help of some sort by a certain date. I've never done this but I think it is wise considering that he breaks boundaries and promises and then acts like he's not responsible. Anyone else had this experience and how did you handle it?

We are living separately within the same house already but divorce seems to be on the horizon as far as I can see.

Thumper

You've already stated your boundary and it already sounds like an ultimatum to me. You just have decide what to do next. You can always change your mind of course, you have the right to do that. To me, stating the same thing again with new terms and language doesn't seem like a way to move forward.

My experience is that I filed for divorce, he went to rehab and so I agreed to put that on hold and attend marriage counseling when he was done with rehab. I also said drinking was a deal breaker. He drank 10 days or so out of rehab, I fiddled around for about 3 weeks (mostly because his mom passed away) and then I proceeded with the divorce. It sounds clear cut typing it like that but it was a very hard and confusing time. My old posts show it - that was right around when I joined.

LaTeeDa

There is a huge difference between making a rule for someone else to follow and making a boundary. Rules seldom work because they depend on the honesty and cooperation of others. If the "other" is an alcoholic, then forget it.

Boundaries, on the other hand, are what we put in place to protect ourselves. They are not meant to control someone else, only to protect us if needed. So, you made a rule, and he broke it. Not surprising. The most important part of a boundary is how we plan to enforce it. So, how do you plan to enforce the "I don't want to be around your drinking?"

L

boomerlady

Thanks to both of you for your replies. You are both right. I have set the boundary now I have to decide how to enforce it. I know that he would prefer to keep drinking and trying to fool me into thinking he can control it and stay married. My counselor has told me that I've given him every possible chance to stop, and I really owe him nothing more. I will be talking to her in less than a week and meeting with my sponsor this weekend. Hopefully, they can help me clarify in my mind how I'm going to enforce the boundary with him. I've already talked to a divorce lawyer almost a year ago so I know I'm in a good position to get out now. I'm hopeful for the future, but wish I could skip over the divorce and jump ahead a couple of years. I know we all hate to go through hard times, but I have to remember that living with an active alcoholic is certainly no picnic either.

Willybluedog

Best of luck to you, I hope you can work it out, but he seems unlikely to change, please take care of yourself and don't worry about him.

Peace be with you.

RECF

When he starts to hide it, that's when things Really start to get Interesting.

dollydo

He will continue to drink, so it is decision time for you. Either accept his drinking and
behavior or move on with your life. Those are your two options.

This is a progressive uncurable disease, he is getting worse and will continue to do, if the disease is left untreated. Even if works a program and can remain sober relapses are common and can happen at any time.

Welcome, and, I am sorry that you are having to deal with this situation.

Eight Ball

Hi Boomerlady,

I know, for me, it was a 'learn to live with it' (it = drinking alcohol) or 'leave'. I tried the 'living with it' for 18months, I really tried to let it go, I tried not to let it affect me, I tried to detach, all the while I was having therapy, attending Al-anon and visiting SR on an almost daily basis. It didnt work for me. It was affecting my health, my happiness and I eventually knew, after a health scare, that I had to leave for my own sanity.

At that stage, I couldnt care less what my AH of 23yrs did. Even if he said that he would stop it, I would have still left. I was done.

I have been living on my own for the first time in my life (46yrs) and I enjoy my own space. It was hard to begin with, but all my outside activities/life kicked in and kept me busy.

I dont think that my AH really took me seriously about not living with alcohol until I was serious about it. (I moved out and went no contact)

My AH contacted me a few weeks after I left and told me that he had reached his rock bottom and he was getting help. He has been sober for 9 weeks, which is very early days but I believe his words and actions are genuine (no red flags). He appears to 'get it'. I have told him that my boundary is that I will never live with alcohol in my life ever again and the ball is in his court and he is currently working hard at staying sober for the rest of his life but in the luxury of his own home! Long term sobriety is the only thing that it will take for me to move back with him again and that's a 'time will tell' deal, no rush.

Interestingly, I didn't leave my AH with the intention of getting him to reach his rock bottom as I truly believed that he would continue to drink for the rest of his life because that is what he had told me he was going to do.

blwninthewind

You said it was a deal breaker....so is it?

Obviously not. Don't get me wrong...I'm not condemning you but checking up on him...sipping his drink, and like actions won't get you anywhere.

You can't make him WANT to quit drinking.

I would as others have, recomend Al=Anon.

If nothing else it will help you decide what you can tolerate what you can't and where that line between is.

GettingBy

You've gotten lots of great ESH so far! My story is very similar to yours. I spent years saying, "the drinking is unacceptable. You need to stop drinking, or else." And usually it (the drinking) would stop for a little while... but it always came back, and each time got progressively worse, as did the behaviors that went with it.

What ultimately happened for me was that I realized, as LTD has pointed out, that I wasn't really setting a boundary - I was making rules for my AH to follow. Which, he can't - because he's an alcoholic.

So, I have had to step back and educate myself about the disease, accept the things I can't change (my AH and his drinking), and change the things I can (ME!). My AH is unwilling/unable to see his disease. He sees me as the problem. We are at a stalemate and so we are moving forward with a divorce. It's sad, and it hurts... but the alternate (living together, fighting over the drinking/abusive behaviors) is just not an option.

When I was actually DONE with my AH and his drinking... I knew it. I had said it for years, but when I meant it - I felt very different. When you're really done, you'll know.

Thoughts and prayers go out to you... what you are dealing with is so draining emotionally and physically. Take care of you!
Shannon

m1k3

This is so true. My wife and I were married for 36 years and the last 15 were active alcoholism. After her last binge I hit my bottom and moved out. It simply got to the point where it hurt more to stay than it did to move out.

Your friend,

suki44883

The first step is actually knowing what you truly want. It sounds like you truly want him to stop drinking. Obviously, this is not happening, so forget that. The next step is deciding what you are and are not willing to live with. You have said his continued drinking is a deal-breaker, yet he continues to drink and you continue to stay and resent it. Nothing is changing.

As others have said, what you laid out was not a boundary, which is like a rule for YOU, you made a rule for HIM to follow. There is a huge difference. You cannot control him or what he does, and he is an adult with a right to live as he chooses, so rules are useless.

Either you will continue to live with him as he is, or you won't. Those are really the only options you have any control over.

outtolunch

A boundary begins with " I will/willnot..." as in I will not live with someone in active alcoholism. A boundary lets go of the outcome. If we find ourselves in a situation of living with an alcoholic, we take responsibility for the only person we can and remove ourselves from the situation. it.

An attempt to control someone begins with " you will/willnot.... or else". It intention is to control someone and does not work.

vujade

I have realized over the past few months that a boundary isn't something you impose on another person, it is something you impose on yourself. It isn't someone else's job to respect your boundaries, it is your job to protect them.

If his continued drinking is a true deal-breaker with your marriage, you need to ask yourself why you aren't respecting that boundary.

I like what OTL said. Very good little test of a true boundary.

Programmatic

Boundaries are for me. Only I can determine when they have been crossed and only I can decide what to do in that situation.

I take the initiative to announce my boundaries so that other people understand what is going on when I respond to said boundaries being crossed.

fulloffaith

You have a lot of thinking to do. I'm sorry you are having such a struggle.
I found it really interesting that you said you wish you could skip ahead a few years, past this hard part. I am in the midst of divorce after 16 years. I too often wish I could save myself the pain, sorrow and tough time. Because even after you enforce your boundary it IS hard! It may be more peaceful but it's also scary and sometimes lonely. But don't let fear or bad feelings stop you- they're just feelings! You know deep down what your true path is.

I'm still working on not wishing away the pain/hard time. Trying to learn from it and realize this is life too. We all have mountains and valleys. I think it's all part of life and if I wish it away, I'm wishing away my precious time here. So, I understand- and when I read your words it really made me think. If I'm wishing away this time, this pain, these hard days...I'm still allowing this crazy disease to steal parts of MY life. How nuts is that?!?

Good luck with your decisions. And try to live in the present and find some peace in each moment, each choice. Even the tough times serve a purpose in your one precious life. God bless....

boomerlady

Thank you, fulloffaith, and everyone who commented. Thanks for reminding me that I don't want this awful disease to take more years of my life. I keep telling myself that divorce is tough, but it's the unfamiliar tough life. I know, all to well, about the tough life that I've been living for years with AH. So, for me, I think part of the fear is fear of the unknown. You are so right that I can't just sit and wish away my time. I have to do something to make my life what I want it to be.

fulloffaith

You are so right! And I won't lie, taking the steps away from him and our marriage was the hardest, scariest thing I ever did! Because it is unknown. We try for so long to control our surroundings. I believe that us codies are super scared of change and the unknown. For me, there was no sense of adventure/fun. It was terrifying.

But.....facing the fear will make you stronger. You can not live and be at peace if you know you are settling and not living your true path. Yes, we can "manage", but it's not being true to the person you were created to be. Post your fears, journal, pray. You are not alone.

Charon

You can't tell a child "I'm going to count to 3 then there will be consequences - 1, 2, ... - I really mean it - 1, 2, ... - listen, I'm serious - 1, 2, ... - you are really going to be in trouble - 1, 2, ... - etc." and have it mean anything.

A line in the sand is a line in the sand. It is either crossed or not.

Cyranoak

Boundaries are not boundaries unless they are enforced. He isn't the problem here. He's doing what he does, what he's always done, and what he'll always do. And, it'll never change as long as your boundaries are empty threats. It may not change even if you manage to enforce a boundary, but is sure not to as long as you are trying to control him and his behavior instead of controlling the one thing you can control-- yourself.

Cyranoak