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First time out on a date again - REJECTED

Old 10-05-2011, 07:03 PM
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First time out on a date again - REJECTED

I am a little more than 6 months away from my alcoholic husband. I thought I was strong enough to try a date with someone. There was a person I worked with and I could feel an attraction. After awhile, I decided I would let him ask me out. He did, then promptly canceled it with a ******** story about how he wouldn't be able to stay in touch with me either.
That hurts. When I was with my husband, I just felt so nasty all the time. Anxiety when I would walk up to the house, bloated and poorly dressed when I would go out to work, stifled when I would meet new people because I had this terrible secret. I guess I was really starting to feel strong enough that I might be attractive enough to go on a date.
Now that I was rejected I wonder if I am just not that high on the totem pole. I think about all of my relationships and I feel like I haven't ever felt what it's like to have someone in my life that thinks I'm really sexy and cool. And then there's the feeling, I might not be sexy or cool. Do I gross people out?
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Old 10-05-2011, 07:07 PM
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I'm not sure how long you were married but try not to put so much stock into one guy who flaked. It is tough not to start to dissect what you did 'wrong' or what is 'wrong' with you but nothing is wrong!

I know because I do the same thing. I beat myself up and my self esteem takes a nose dive but try not to let it get to you like that. Maybe it is too soon to date. Take time to love yourself again
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Old 10-05-2011, 07:09 PM
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we all get those low moments...and it's hard to put yourself out there. i've been on a lot of dates with a lot of jerks.

personally, dating someone you work with can be very stressful...count yourself lucky on this one.

you've been through a lot and need to feel good about yourself....for me it took a long time to get back to this state too. (BTWm, i'm the alcoholic, my XBF has his own issues with gambling).

you might want to try one of the freebie sites to start talking to men and do short meet and greets...get a friend to take a flattering pic. and maybe try it. (if you want the name of the one i use, PM me). take care of you!
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Old 10-05-2011, 07:18 PM
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oh, recf, i can SO identify with how you are feeling right now, and i am sorry you are hurting. please remember that we all have moments of insecurity, but they are simply that...moments. even the strongest of people will have occasional doubts.

you ARE sexy, cool, and, more importantly, worthy of being told so by someone special EVERY SINGLE DAY.

keep your head held high and take care of yourself. let things happen in their own time (hard to do, i know) and you WILL be rewarded for your patience.
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Old 10-05-2011, 08:07 PM
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It's true. I know it's too early for me. I remember the first two months alone, I was just numb and deadened. The following two months I was a nervous, insecure wreck - to the point I was making people crazy. This past month, though, I've really started to feel good and, you know, HOPEFUL. It's felt so good, you know? I guess I got a little headstrong about it. If anything, my reaction is proof positive that I am not ready for anything. I am still very unsure of myself.
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Old 10-05-2011, 08:55 PM
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Men, pffffffft. They are a dime a dozen. His loss.

It's all about how you look at it. If you believe in scarcity, you will be desperate and needy. If you believe in abundance, you will be confident and secure.

L
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Old 10-05-2011, 09:39 PM
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As a man I know most guys are jerks, a lot of guys are so focused solely on the physical that they miss out on the person underneath.

Sex is as much between the ears as anywhere, I personally like bigger ladies, the big problem is most of them have bought into societys BS about size as a determination of self worth.

You just may not be ready to date if you let one moron slow you down, I worked in sales for many years and you cannot let people who slam the door in your face deter you, you have got to figure there is going to be 2 or 3 losers for every good one.

Eat right, exercise, wear something that makes you feel good not what someone else thinks you should wear and just go and do, don't worry about any specific guy, do things you enjoy, your confidence is your best asset, the right guy will come along and you will blow him away.

After my divorce from a woman who destroyed my self confidence I just decided I was going to have fun, every girl I met who I had even a passing interest in I asked out for lunch or dinner, made it plain to them I wanted to have a fun date, if we became friends great, something more well that would be great too, if it did not work out then thanks for the date. I never pushed, i was too raw for sex to soon, I had 6 or 7 dates a week for months, I finally met the woman who would become my wife, she was kind of nutty, great smile, we had a ball, and 6 months later we were married in Vegas, 14 years later I am still completely crazy about her.


Anyway a little long winded, but you can do this to.

Remeber what they always say, "you have to kiss quite a few frogs to find a prince".

Best of luck.
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Old 10-05-2011, 10:53 PM
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I suggest the following

Get out some crayons, color pencils and write a billboard with ALL YOUR QUALITIES! I SWEAR THIS WORKS.. put it in your bedroom so you can read it often...

I have gone "this person is ignoring/rejecting me, too bad for the person as I have a good heart, educated, creative, interesting, artistic, compassionate, smart ... etc etc all I have in my billboard" and I swear it has started sinking in that I am worthy and if others can't see me its truly their loss! do it
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Old 10-05-2011, 10:59 PM
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PS I have realized social relationships are meant to be for RELAXATION and JOY. Life is stressful already. We have to re evaluate our contacts, all of them, and see what our needs are.. we are not forced to be with anyone, and just as others can choose who they want to be with for whatever reason, so we can decide who stays and who is out.. its OUR play.. its OUR casting...

Besides maybe HP saved you from something, perhaps the guy snored?? lol... or had a nasty STD, or had bad vibes, whatever, trust HP, I believe HP always brings you people and gets them away for reasons that may come clear later on but in the end its for your own good.
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Old 10-06-2011, 03:45 AM
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To Taking Charge -
I mean, I'm not going to lie. I only 'allowed' for him to ask me out. He was attractive, but I also knew from conversations that he was badly in debt and not really doing anything about it - a bad sign I learned from my husband.
By the way, this happened more than a week ago... just sometimes, I get an idea into my head and just get consumed by it: "I'm not going to have any luck dating, look at what happened with this jagoff," "I don't have a career together and look at how old I am," "If I want to have kids, I better get crackin', I'm already in my mid-30s," "I screwed up my life (WAH-WAH-WAH)."
Stuff like this will go on until I get on here and share with people.
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Old 10-06-2011, 08:14 AM
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OH---ICK!!! now why would you want to go out with a man heavily in debt????so you can pay his bills?

he probably could not afford the price of french fries. Self confidence WILL return...although it is said all the time, develop a good relationship with YOU, the rest will follow naturally....you never know when or where, but you don't have to be actively looking.
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Old 10-06-2011, 10:38 AM
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Originally Posted by RECF View Post
To Taking Charge -
I only 'allowed' for him to ask me out. He was attractive, but I also knew from conversations that he was badly in debt and not really doing anything about it - a bad sign I learned from my husband.
I have been married forever so forgive my question...how exactly does one "allow" someone to ask them out?
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Old 10-06-2011, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by RECF View Post
It's true. I know it's too early for me. I remember the first two months alone, I was just numb and deadened. The following two months I was a nervous, insecure wreck - to the point I was making people crazy. This past month, though, I've really started to feel good and, you know, HOPEFUL. It's felt so good, you know? I guess I got a little headstrong about it. If anything, my reaction is proof positive that I am not ready for anything. I am still very unsure of myself.
It took me a long time to be able to step out into the world of dating again.

I am often reminded that how others act is not a reflection on me; it's a reflection on them.

Sending you gentle hugs of support.
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Old 10-06-2011, 11:46 AM
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I would say he did you a big favor. Not only because you say you hear he is in debt (not a very responsible person) but .................................... in my many many years (old lady here) I have found it is NEVER a good idea to date a co-worker.

The old adage was "keep work and pleasure far apart."

And yes, you are probably correct, you just are not ready yet, ie your 'picker' is probably still broke.

I have found over the years, that we attract folks to us by our insides, not our outsides, so I had to fix the insides first and when that started to happen, it really was quite amazing to me, the 'new' folks that I started to become friends with and eventually date.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 10-06-2011, 02:07 PM
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Ah yes the negativity, I am familiar with that voice

To me its very clear, telling me "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"

At work they called it "the crow in our shoulder" and encouraged us to ignore it ...
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Old 10-06-2011, 02:08 PM
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I am about to become 30... and have had all those voices coming about how I am single and donīt have as much diplomas as I wanted yadda yadda....

Remember the thread about the Native american story? where the old man told the children we all had two wolves inside us, fighting. One is love, compassion, honesty, respect and the other is fear, ego, resentment, hate. A child asked the old man which one won.

The old man replied "the one you feed"
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Old 10-06-2011, 06:18 PM
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Even with good people it sometimes doesn't work and is often not even about you. That said, my I strongly suggest not dating people with whom you work?

Take what you want and leave the rest,

Cyranoak
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