whereisthisgoin

The background: my STBXAH moved out mid-July of this year. His drinking was out of control (leaving at 8am on wkends, returning after dinner - DRUNK) and he was having an affair. There really was no time where he was at home without a drink in his hand.

Since then, our 15 y.o. son has spent an hour or two with his Dad on Wednesday for dinner (I offered Tuesday and Thursday) and Sunday from 11am - 4pm. My son drives to and from on all occasions with his drivers permit.

Dad drinks at the Wednesday dinners and during the Sunday visits. Only on this last Sunday visit did he not drink in front of our son.

We are working on our papers to file for an uncontested divorce. We have a couple things we need to take care of financially before we can submit the papers.

So now STBXAH wants to have our son overnight on Saturday.

I have already said no via email - but I know there will be more discussion around this.

What I want to say is,

1. "You can have overnights with our son when you go to rehab and your counselor agrees that it's okay."

or,

2. "Let's hurry up and get our divorce papers done - and if we can't come to an agreement on a parenting plan, let's let the judge decide."

Prior to this, three friends that know my STBXAH have told me that he is drunk all the time and that I am doing the right thing not allowing overnights. So now I am being put to the test. Whatever I let happen for this weekend absolutely needs to correspond with what I want for a parenting plan -- which is, no overnights until he get treatment.

What do you think - am I way off base? Do you have a different idea?

As far as my son's input is concerned - he is really on the fence. He enjoys time with his Dad, hates to be with him drunk - and doesn't want to have to be the alcohol police when he is with his father.

suki44883

I vote for Number 1. You have every right to protect your son from an alcoholic father. If he has a problem with it, let him take it to court.

Freedom1990

What is the benefit of your son spending the night with a dad who is drunk all the time?

I can't think of any, but that's just me.

whereisthisgoin

I like you, anvilhead. I knew I'd come to the F&F and get my head straightened out. I hate being the gatekeeper between my son and his Dad but it's what I have to do.

nodaybut2day

Yep, I'm with the others...he isn't able or willing to refrain from drinking while parenting his child for a few hours. I can only assume he's going to let loose even more on an overnight visit.

whereisthisgoin

Just received an email from STBXAH:

I think it is time for overnights. I work with you to help ensure it is a safe experience.
I love [son's name] and would like to spend more time with him. I believe he would like to spend more time with me also.

Freedom1990

What he thinks is irrelevant. What counts is what is best for your son.

dbh

As an adult child of an alcoholic, I wish my mom acted as more of a gatekeeper between me and my alcoholic father when I was young.

I hated being around him when he drank and I was terrified whenever I had to get in a car with him when he was drunk.

Being around him actually had a HUGE negative impact on me. I blamed myself for his drinking and would try to figure out ways to make him stop. My relationship with my father was the first of many dysfunctional relationships. Sort of learned most of my codependency from him.

I'm sure that deep down your ex does love your son. However, from my experience, spending time with an active alcohol is not "enjoyable" for a child.

Thanks for letting me share.

db

laurie6781

I agree with above NO is your third option.

I do have a concern though. I don't know where you live, however, I believe in all the States, that a person with a "Learner's Permit" must have a licensed driver 21 years of age or older with them in the vehicle when they are driving.

Are you allowing your son to drive on his own? Please double check your laws. This could be a REAL PROBLEM if it comes out in court, and could also jeopardize you son getting his driver's license if he is stopped. Not to mention what it will do to your insurance.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

fulloffaith

I'm in same situation. Stbxah went to court and filed for visits, specifically overnights. At the motion, I explained my concerns about his drinking (different from yours b/c driving involved as kids are younger). Now he has every other weekend visits, but alcohol tested prior to visit and again after visit. The tests are court ordered and at his expense. It's basically court enforced abstinence. A bandaid on the gaping wound of alcoholism. But...the kids get time w/ a safe dad. He was not happy with testing, but the courts felt it was best way to ensure he would be fit for visits. Any failed or no show tests and visits are revoked.

I had to go in very much as his opponent. It was hard because I still love and care for him and actually harbor hope that he will get well and we can salvage our 16 yr union. This was just my experience. Others stories sometimes help give me ideas. Good luck to you. It helped when I clarified in my own mind, ahead of court, what did I want for kids? What did I not want? What was best possible situation that respects everyone involved? Work from that....

Freedom1990

In Kansas, the only time you can drive alone on a learner's permit is to and from work, or to and from school. That's it.

whereisthisgoin

When I say my son drives with his permit - his Dad is always in the car.

So, Dad shows up at the house - Son drives them both to their destination.
When it's time to come home, Son drives them both back here. Then Dad drives off.

Thanks for your concern! I was trying to say (and not very coherently) that my STBXAH never drives my son around.

whereisthisgoin

Thank you for this. This is very helpful. I think my son is confused because I'm sure STBXAH is pressuring him about spending more time together. I know my son does love his father - it's been the past 2 years that have been a living hell, though. So my son is caught between wanting to be with his Dad but not wanting to be with the alcoholic.

To everyone but my STBXAH, the visitation situation is working as is.

whereisthisgoin

Oh gosh, I can so relate! I loved my STBXAH so much way back when - but he has absolutely crushed my hopes of getting back together. He actually wants to get back together but I KNOW that's not the path for me or my son...and if I forget, my friends and counselor remind me!

My STBXAH is petrified of his alcoholism becoming any part of public record. He says it will make it impossible to ever find work again (he is currently working ... so, so far, so good....).

blwninthewind

Here's what I know:

A driving permit requires that an adult licensed driver be in the vehicle. The adult MUST be capable of driving...meaning your STAH cannot use his son as his designated driver.

as for the overnights....uh no.

I know your son loves his father. I loved mine too...but like others have said being around him when he was drunk was really scary... my mom says that back in the day...alcoholism was treated differently by the divorce courts...and she stayed with him because she was afraid if she left him..he would get weekend visitation, drive drunk with us in the car and kill us.
She sacrificed for us. She ran interference and did all she could to keep us away from him when he was drinking.

You are doing what you need to do to protect your child. He won't tell you this but he's just as scared to spend the night there as you are for him.

Send your STAH an email and just state...until you've come up with a plan for his drinking ...you can't allow your son to spend the night due to risk to his safety.
You may not be able to do this alone. I don't know if you have an attorney but now is the time to get one...he is going to see this as you trying to control him. Not genuine concern for your son.

I sincerely hope you are able to limit his drinking around your son. At worst...son could call you if there is a problem and you go pick him up.