What should I do?
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 5
What should I do?
I have been reading a lot of different threads here and have picked up a lot of information and has got me thinking about some things differently than before. I'll share most of my story here about my AGF and hope that it doesn't get too long. Shes 23 and Im 27 btw for what its worth. She is also epileptic which plays a roll in the story.
Her and I have dated since the middle of January of this year but first met just a little under a year ago. When we first started dating she drank but not a whole lot. Maybe a drink at dinner sometimes and if we went drinking together with my friends she would drink enough to be buzzed or slightly drunk. It wasn't until a few months into the relationship that her drinking really started to show through. We didn't spend a ton of time together at first because she lives 30-40 minutes away one way. At first we would hang out after I got off work at her place then I would go home for the night.
Eventually I started spending the night like on a friday or something. One Friday night I stayed over we went to dinner and she had a single drink but not much. The next morning we were laying in her bed watching tv when all of a sudden she had a seizure. Complete, full on Gran Mal seizure which shes now had maybe 4 of her entire life. After that I started spending a LOT more time with her because of how worried I was for her safety. It got to the point where I was spending every night there for about a month straight only coming home to wash my clothes and then go back the next day.
Sometime after that her drinking started to get pretty bad. Now when I say bad, I mean several beers in a night or maybe a bottle of wine by herself. The amount she was drinking wasn't what made it bad to me. It was the fact that after she started drinking she would get very depressed and needy. Several times cutting herself "just for the pain". Every time this would happen I wasn't there so I would have to drive up there real fast to be with her so that it didn't get worse. This culminated to one night she cut her arm bad enough she needed stitches at the hospital. Which then turned into a 2-3 day stay at the local mental health hospital.
After leaving there she vowed sobriety and "joined" aa. It was about this time that she had been taking sleeping pills to help her sleep "because her other meds kept her from sleeping". (Her other meds are required in this case). Eventually she started taking more and more of those until one night she took I think 18 of them (without alcohol of course). My memory of exact timelines is sketchy so I can't remember if that was before or after the hospital stay, I applogize for the confusion it may cause.
Anyway, joined AA and was assigned a doctor to see about her depression and other issues. He is locally known by junkies as being the go to guy for just about whatever prescription medication they could possibly want but we didn't find that out until it was too late to stop it. He immediately put her on Prozac and a sleeping pill. Which both doses doubled immediately the next trip to see him the following month. Her visits to AA started good and then dwindled fast to her having another drunken night.
That happened a few times. Then one night she got drunk again. After she admitted to doing so, she promised to promised she was done and threw the sleeping pills away claiming that she no longer wanted them. A few weeks went by and sure enough her AA visits dwindled again. Then it was another night of too many sleeping pills which she claims to have stashed away just in case she needed them and then forgot about.
After each non-sober night we would eventually talk. The talks between her and I got harsher and much more surreal for both of us because we could see the relationship suffering. After the last night of drinking, I told her if it were to happen again I would be forced to leave her. Then the pills obviously happened so I ended the relationship as soon as I learned of the incident the following morning.
I felt horrible about doing so and missed her greatly. A couple weeks went by and for some reason I felt it was time for us to talk and even more strangely felt things had progressed to the point we could get back together. I now realize that mistake but its already come and gone..
Then Thursday night of last week she had yet another relapse and drank several beers she said. I knew something was wrong because she texted me real late in the night and wouldn't answer her phone when I called. Plus there are many other telling signs of her drunkenness.
That brings us to the current day. Her mom found out (most all of both sides of her family are varying stages of alcoholics. Her parents have been sober since before she was born) and had it out with her. I can't say as to what was said but I am at a crossroads with hundreds of questions that are constantly going through my head.
What is the best advice? I have limited myself from her some. We still talk about things but not as much and we both know its different. I am at the end of what I can take. I want to be with her and love her very much but I only want the sober her. When shes sober we never really fight about anything. When shes down and eventually drinking it can get bad between us. She claims of course this time is for real, just like every other time has been. This time shes going to change.
Shes promised me she will be changing meeting spots. Even though she admitted to not participating in the meetings really at all (never even got a sponsor) she says this place just isn't doing it for her and the people there act like they don't want to be there. Shes continuing to go but looking for a new meeting spot. She says she told them about last week but didn't go into details about everything because she didn't feel the need where she'll soon be going elsewhere. I asked her why this time was different and she said its because shes now starting to lose people. She doesn't wanna live this life anymore and all that.
So what do I do? How do I believe her? I know actions speak louder than words and understand that fully now. Is there anything I can look at this early on? I don't want to leave her but do want to start a family and the rest of my life in the next few years if I can and I don't want her like this. I am starting to understand that I will always have to worry about her sobriety. Always have to second guess pretty much everything won't I?
I know this has gotten long and I have left out hundreds of details. If you have any questions feel free to ask and I will answer the best I can.
Her and I have dated since the middle of January of this year but first met just a little under a year ago. When we first started dating she drank but not a whole lot. Maybe a drink at dinner sometimes and if we went drinking together with my friends she would drink enough to be buzzed or slightly drunk. It wasn't until a few months into the relationship that her drinking really started to show through. We didn't spend a ton of time together at first because she lives 30-40 minutes away one way. At first we would hang out after I got off work at her place then I would go home for the night.
Eventually I started spending the night like on a friday or something. One Friday night I stayed over we went to dinner and she had a single drink but not much. The next morning we were laying in her bed watching tv when all of a sudden she had a seizure. Complete, full on Gran Mal seizure which shes now had maybe 4 of her entire life. After that I started spending a LOT more time with her because of how worried I was for her safety. It got to the point where I was spending every night there for about a month straight only coming home to wash my clothes and then go back the next day.
Sometime after that her drinking started to get pretty bad. Now when I say bad, I mean several beers in a night or maybe a bottle of wine by herself. The amount she was drinking wasn't what made it bad to me. It was the fact that after she started drinking she would get very depressed and needy. Several times cutting herself "just for the pain". Every time this would happen I wasn't there so I would have to drive up there real fast to be with her so that it didn't get worse. This culminated to one night she cut her arm bad enough she needed stitches at the hospital. Which then turned into a 2-3 day stay at the local mental health hospital.
After leaving there she vowed sobriety and "joined" aa. It was about this time that she had been taking sleeping pills to help her sleep "because her other meds kept her from sleeping". (Her other meds are required in this case). Eventually she started taking more and more of those until one night she took I think 18 of them (without alcohol of course). My memory of exact timelines is sketchy so I can't remember if that was before or after the hospital stay, I applogize for the confusion it may cause.
Anyway, joined AA and was assigned a doctor to see about her depression and other issues. He is locally known by junkies as being the go to guy for just about whatever prescription medication they could possibly want but we didn't find that out until it was too late to stop it. He immediately put her on Prozac and a sleeping pill. Which both doses doubled immediately the next trip to see him the following month. Her visits to AA started good and then dwindled fast to her having another drunken night.
That happened a few times. Then one night she got drunk again. After she admitted to doing so, she promised to promised she was done and threw the sleeping pills away claiming that she no longer wanted them. A few weeks went by and sure enough her AA visits dwindled again. Then it was another night of too many sleeping pills which she claims to have stashed away just in case she needed them and then forgot about.
After each non-sober night we would eventually talk. The talks between her and I got harsher and much more surreal for both of us because we could see the relationship suffering. After the last night of drinking, I told her if it were to happen again I would be forced to leave her. Then the pills obviously happened so I ended the relationship as soon as I learned of the incident the following morning.
I felt horrible about doing so and missed her greatly. A couple weeks went by and for some reason I felt it was time for us to talk and even more strangely felt things had progressed to the point we could get back together. I now realize that mistake but its already come and gone..
Then Thursday night of last week she had yet another relapse and drank several beers she said. I knew something was wrong because she texted me real late in the night and wouldn't answer her phone when I called. Plus there are many other telling signs of her drunkenness.
That brings us to the current day. Her mom found out (most all of both sides of her family are varying stages of alcoholics. Her parents have been sober since before she was born) and had it out with her. I can't say as to what was said but I am at a crossroads with hundreds of questions that are constantly going through my head.
What is the best advice? I have limited myself from her some. We still talk about things but not as much and we both know its different. I am at the end of what I can take. I want to be with her and love her very much but I only want the sober her. When shes sober we never really fight about anything. When shes down and eventually drinking it can get bad between us. She claims of course this time is for real, just like every other time has been. This time shes going to change.
Shes promised me she will be changing meeting spots. Even though she admitted to not participating in the meetings really at all (never even got a sponsor) she says this place just isn't doing it for her and the people there act like they don't want to be there. Shes continuing to go but looking for a new meeting spot. She says she told them about last week but didn't go into details about everything because she didn't feel the need where she'll soon be going elsewhere. I asked her why this time was different and she said its because shes now starting to lose people. She doesn't wanna live this life anymore and all that.
So what do I do? How do I believe her? I know actions speak louder than words and understand that fully now. Is there anything I can look at this early on? I don't want to leave her but do want to start a family and the rest of my life in the next few years if I can and I don't want her like this. I am starting to understand that I will always have to worry about her sobriety. Always have to second guess pretty much everything won't I?
I know this has gotten long and I have left out hundreds of details. If you have any questions feel free to ask and I will answer the best I can.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
If it were me I would run like hell and never look back. You have only been dating a short time, cut your losses and move on.......... Seriously, you want her to be the mother of your children????
She has a 100 excuses as to why she "can't" she isn't even close to being ready to commit to being sober.
She truly is UNAVAILABLE. You sound like a caring, honest, decent person, go find yourself a girl without all these issues. Save yourself a lifetime of heartache.
She has a 100 excuses as to why she "can't" she isn't even close to being ready to commit to being sober.
She truly is UNAVAILABLE. You sound like a caring, honest, decent person, go find yourself a girl without all these issues. Save yourself a lifetime of heartache.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 5
I guess I should clarify, that baring any accidents at this point I would rather her not mother my children in the stage of her life. I was actually meaning that's something I want to have happen at some point soon in my life. Not that I'm wanting (or not wanting provided a DRASTIC change) her to be that person.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"I am at the end of what I can take. I want to be with her and love her very much but I only want the sober her. "
Sorry that is not how this disease works. Alcoholics take hostages, they are not capable of being in a relationship.
Keep reading the threads, the knowledge, wisdom, and real life testimonials of what people have endured living with alcoholism is an eye opener.
Sorry that is not how this disease works. Alcoholics take hostages, they are not capable of being in a relationship.
Keep reading the threads, the knowledge, wisdom, and real life testimonials of what people have endured living with alcoholism is an eye opener.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 5
"I am at the end of what I can take. I want to be with her and love her very much but I only want the sober her. "
Sorry that is not how this disease works. Alcoholics take hostages, they are not capable of being in a relationship.
Keep reading the threads, the knowledge, wisdom, and real life testimonials of what people have endured living with alcoholism is an eye opener.
Sorry that is not how this disease works. Alcoholics take hostages, they are not capable of being in a relationship.
Keep reading the threads, the knowledge, wisdom, and real life testimonials of what people have endured living with alcoholism is an eye opener.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
When I first came to this site and told my story, I was comforted by so many. I was shocked by the amount of people that understood. The reason, We all lived the same live. The names and faces were different but we share the same story. My story is no different than yours. Your story is no different than a 1000 others. Alcoholics all do the same crap. They turn our lives into a living hell. There is no way to sugar coat that.
To stay involved with an alkie, I can promise you that you will be involved with the law, (not in a good way), job loss, endless trips to the ER. Your house will damaged due to their get drunk fall down break sh*t, or they just punch holes. The endless stupid arguments, your social circle of friends will stop including you, your health will suffer, your car will have unexplained dents, hell I could go on, and on,.
Yes, I am sure there are success stories, I have no experience with that, never got that far, I choose to jump off a sinking ship and save myself. Your GF recovery is years away, do you want to invest all of you now, step back take some time for you. Keep posting and reading my friend..........
To stay involved with an alkie, I can promise you that you will be involved with the law, (not in a good way), job loss, endless trips to the ER. Your house will damaged due to their get drunk fall down break sh*t, or they just punch holes. The endless stupid arguments, your social circle of friends will stop including you, your health will suffer, your car will have unexplained dents, hell I could go on, and on,.
Yes, I am sure there are success stories, I have no experience with that, never got that far, I choose to jump off a sinking ship and save myself. Your GF recovery is years away, do you want to invest all of you now, step back take some time for you. Keep posting and reading my friend..........
She will be an alcoholic all her life, it is just a matter if she is sober and working a strong
recovery program or not. That's it and many who can stay sober become what is known
as Dry Drunks, you might want to read up on that issue.
This lady will have to fight this battle all her life, and relapses are common.
I have a friend who recently celebrated 20 years working AA and completely sober. The day after her 20 yr anniversary she went on a bender, ended up in ER, it was a bad scene. Now, she is starting all over and has slipped a few times, can she do it again? I
do not know, I sure hope so.
This is your life, make the right decision for you, you cannot help her.
recovery program or not. That's it and many who can stay sober become what is known
as Dry Drunks, you might want to read up on that issue.
This lady will have to fight this battle all her life, and relapses are common.
I have a friend who recently celebrated 20 years working AA and completely sober. The day after her 20 yr anniversary she went on a bender, ended up in ER, it was a bad scene. Now, she is starting all over and has slipped a few times, can she do it again? I
do not know, I sure hope so.
This is your life, make the right decision for you, you cannot help her.
Whtsnxt, first, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. That is all on her. Second, try Al-Anon, it can be a life saver, I know it was for me. Al-Anon is about giving you the tools you need to begin living a healthy life again. It has done wonders for me. You may not realize it but her alcoholism affects you as much as it does her and seriously warps your thinking and view of the world.
Your post reads like my life except in a compressed time frame. It took years and years for all of this to play out in my life including the sleeping pills.
Keep coming back as there is tons of experience and support to be found here and it is a great place to vent.
Your friend,
Your post reads like my life except in a compressed time frame. It took years and years for all of this to play out in my life including the sleeping pills.
Keep coming back as there is tons of experience and support to be found here and it is a great place to vent.
Your friend,
I am definitely seeing that now. But that raises the question, if it truly is a disease, and can never be cured, then they will always take hostages. If thats really the case, then could it be said that anyone who is with an alcoholic is never truly in a relationship, even if they have been sober for a large number of years?
Personally I am not interested in a relationship at this point (21+ years sober), but who knows what the future holds?
I have learned a whole new way to think and act. I'm 180 degrees from what I was as an active alcoholic. I don't take hostages.
The world is no longer about me. I try to give back because I only took for many years. I have the tools to recognize when I am slipping back into old thinking, and I can take corrective measures.
I'd like to think I would be a good companion for someone at some point in my life. I'm not who I used to be.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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There's a huge difference between someone unwilling to make a serious commitment to sobriety, and someone with long-term sobriety, stability, and maturity.
Personally I am not interested in a relationship at this point (21+ years sober), but who knows what the future holds?
I have learned a whole new way to think and act. I'm 180 degrees from what I was as an active alcoholic. I don't take hostages.
The world is no longer about me. I try to give back because I only took for many years. I have the tools to recognize when I am slipping back into old thinking, and I can take corrective measures.
I'd like to think I would be a good companion for someone at some point in my life. I'm not who I used to be.
Personally I am not interested in a relationship at this point (21+ years sober), but who knows what the future holds?
I have learned a whole new way to think and act. I'm 180 degrees from what I was as an active alcoholic. I don't take hostages.
The world is no longer about me. I try to give back because I only took for many years. I have the tools to recognize when I am slipping back into old thinking, and I can take corrective measures.
I'd like to think I would be a good companion for someone at some point in my life. I'm not who I used to be.
I am starting to think maybe I haven't reached my line yet of what I can take. Im really upset by all that's happened but what upsets me more is the thought of ending things with her. Especially because I have that little part of me that everyone has saying "maybe this time.. maybe this will be the time.." that always is hard to honestly not listen to. Thats the part that I am struggling a lot with I think.
Ok, so maybe this is it...she will get sober... so why can't you watch her progress from the sidelines, you don't need a front row seat, do you?
If she accomplishes the task, you can reevaluate your relationship with her, what's the rush?
If she accomplishes the task, you can reevaluate your relationship with her, what's the rush?
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Welcome-
I held on for years about what ifs and whens.....
I started to get better when I realized that it was actions/behaviors that counted and not what was said by my loved one.
I agree with Al-anon by the way, it helped a lot.
I held on for years about what ifs and whens.....
I started to get better when I realized that it was actions/behaviors that counted and not what was said by my loved one.
I agree with Al-anon by the way, it helped a lot.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 5
Thats exactly what I told her tonight. Almost verbatim actually, except for the reevaluating part. She said she understood and wants to prove me wrong. Im still skeptic of it but I guess its her ball to prove or disprove.
If it were me I would run like hell and never look back. You have only been dating a short time, cut your losses and move on.......... Seriously, you want her to be the mother of your children????
She has a 100 excuses as to why she "can't" she isn't even close to being ready to commit to being sober.
She truly is UNAVAILABLE. You sound like a caring, honest, decent person, go find yourself a girl without all these issues. Save yourself a lifetime of heartache.
She has a 100 excuses as to why she "can't" she isn't even close to being ready to commit to being sober.
She truly is UNAVAILABLE. You sound like a caring, honest, decent person, go find yourself a girl without all these issues. Save yourself a lifetime of heartache.
RUN AWAY AS FAST as YOU CAN. Because if you don't, she'll be having your children sooner rather than later. And then, 20 miserable years will go by. Then you can run away and start over. But it's cheaper and better for everyone if you RUN NOW!
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