Chalkie

I've tried to stay away from here the past 2 days but there's nowhere else to cry, vent, stomp my feet.

I'm missing my A BIG TIME!!!! The last I heard was a voicemail message he left at my office after I left for the long Thanksgiving weekend so I didn't even pick it up until Monday morning. He gave me an address to write to him. I've sent 3 letters, all since Monday morning. He's only a mile away, if even that. I know mail takes time, not yet receiving mail is not my issue.

I did some research and found some info about where he's staying. I shouldn't have done it. If what I read is true, he's gone for a loooong time w/minimal contact. In other words, I have NO idea when I may get another phone call, when I might receive a letter. A part of me is bitter and angry...at his "keepers". Not only do I feel like they took him from me (never mind that he admitted himself to rehab), but that they're keeping him from me. Is it healthy to separate the A from HEALTHY "family", from the people that love them and want nothing but the best for them and want to see and assist in the recovery? Healthy, huh, funny word. I'm starting to question my OWN health. How can one just be taken from another without letting the "left out" party (me) know anything?

Please don't read me wrong, I am wholly supportive of his decision to seek help. I'm just not dealing with it very well any more.

Ann

Chaulkie

Just be glad he is in rehab. It's a good idea for anyone in rehab to stay away from outside influence. It helps them focus on what they need to do.

So work on you and your issues, go to a meeting, and be grateful that he is in a good place.

hugs
Ann

Gabe

This is pretty typical of a rehab situation. Most of them don't let the patient see loved ones for the first week or so. This is to keep all outside influence away from the patient and let them focus soley on their recovery. I know it may seem hard to you, but it's in his best interest. This is truly a time to let go and let God. Your A is in good hands.
I often pray for the people who work in rehab units. Theirs is truly a difficult job. And they do it well and many addicts become better people as a result of their hard work.
Here is a hard truth (don't hate me for this one...okay? ). He doesn't need you right now. You may think he does, or you may need him, but he needs to be on his own and face his own problems.
After a while, you will be able to talk to him on the phone and then visit him. This is for his good as well as your good.
Hang in there pal. It seems the calm waters only come after the rough seas.
Peace,
Gabe

jojo

Chalkie -

My husband is also in residential treatment. I don't know if they all work the same way but with this one they have a one or two week "Adjustment Period" where they can have little contact with the outside world.

This is really a good thing. They can immerse themselves into the program and learn to make the adjustments that they need to without outside influence. It can also be a good thing for us who are outside. I have really appreciated this time to gather myself together and enjoy the peace and quiet. I really really needed it.

My A was a really unhappy camper the first three or four days but then settled in and is doing very well. After the adjustment period they have a family class during one week night and a 2 hour visit on Saturday and Sunday. He has been there almost 3 weeks and I am just now starting to miss him!!!!

I knew that he was getting the help he needed, that I was comfortable and able to enjoy the down time for myself and have just geared myself to the fact that he wouldn't be home for at least a month. He will soon be able to contact you or you will be able to speak to his Case Manager to find out what the program involves. Take this time to take care of yourself and you will find that you will both be much happier in the end.

I know that I am making this sound pretty cut and dried and am sorry for that but I was soooooooooooo grateful to have him there that my reaction may not be the norm. Just know that they know what they are doing and really will take good care of him. If he is ready and willing to work the program then there couldn't be a better place for him to be. This will give you the time to work your own program and take care of Chalkie! I hope all goes well for both of you.

Hugs, Jo

12stepmarce

We go through withdrawal, too, Chalkie....

We have almost the same symptoms......cry, feel miserable, throw up, don't eat, beg for our "fix."

You can get through it. And then.....you'll start over. On a more sane and even ground.

Hang in!

Chalkie

Ann, Gabe & Jojo for your replies. Gabe, I couldn't hate anyone for being honest, and Jojo, there's no reason for you to apologize for being honest. You both gave me some insight to how rehab works.

That's part of my problem...I know nothing. I don't know anything about the operations of detox, rehab, residential treatment. I don't know what's happened, or what's going to happen. I don't know the process. So far, its' not at all like he told me it'd "probably" be and I don't think he walked in there blindly...he had some idea, if not complete knowledge of what he was in for. Perhaps he was trying to sugarcoat it for me, but he knows better than that. All I know about where he's at is the little bit I found on the internet. I don't know if the "plan" and the rules are concrete, or if they vary with the individual (i.e., length of stay, communication, etc.).

In 2 days, it'll be 6 weeks since I've seen him. In 4 days, it'll be 6 weeks since I last talked to him. Then he admitted himself to rehab. I was left with "no phone for a week, I love you." 5 days later (on Halloween), he left me a voicemail saying "I have one shot at this phone call, I'm on 30 day restriction meaning no contact with the outside world except for writing. I'll try to dig up your address (he knows where I am but had no need to memorize my address...he has it in his belongings which I'm sure were taken from him), otherwise, I'll talk to you in a month. I love you." His 30 days were up on 11/30. I had hoped to hear from him on 12/1. Instead, I come into my office with another voicemail from him waiting for me. He had called on Thanksgiving Eve, he was allowed to use the phone to wish me Happy Thanksgiving and he gave me a mailing address for him. Serves me right for leaving the office early. I'm being punished I guess.

I was doing well, I was strong, I am proud and supportive of him for the decision he made. It's all gone (except for the pride and support)...so much time has passed and I still know nothing.

I'm sorry for the rambling but I can't write this to my best friend and confidante...I don't want to be a detriment to his recovery. In other posts, I wrote how his alcoholism hasn't affected me or our relationship as I wasn't even sure he was alcoholic. We lived separate lives to the extent of communicating (phone) all day and then spending a few hours together each evening and any free days together. His alcoholism is affecting me now...what's supposed to help hurts the most.

Chalkie

I didn't exclude you intentionally and I thank you too for replying. You replied as I am sitting here blubbering and babbling.

Just to clear something up, he is my boyfriend, not my husband. I'm sorry if I gave the wrong impression. This may also be why I know nothing, I don't get the honor of being privvy to his recovery. This stinks.

jojo

Chalkie -

You aren't being punished. You need to understand that. To be punished you need to have done something wrong. All it was was bad timing. Or maybe he wasn't ready to actually speak to you but wanted you to know that he misses you. He gave you his address so he must want you to write him. Write him and ask the questions you would like answered about his program. It is important that you try and leave his problem with him and deal with your own anxiety about this whole situation. Your anxiety isn't going to help anything - especially yourself. Find something that will take your mind away from him. I know that is hard but it is necessary for your well being. Not knowing the outcome of his/your situation can drive you nuts if you let it. I hope that you can find some peace for yourself.

Hugs, Jo

Chalkie

It had crossed my mind that perhaps he called when he did so as to not speak directly to me. I know I told him I was leaving the office early on Halloween but as usual, he didn't remember, or was taking advantage of that information to avoid me. Looking back, it seems there's alot of things he didn't seem to remember or acknowledge, as if he wasn't listening to me or what I had to say wasn't important...I'm guessing it was the alcohol only because he is very loving, very attentive and his mind is that of an encyclopedia and dictionary stored full of knowledge. He couldn't have known I was leaving "early" on Thanksgiving Eve, I had no way of telling him. He's used to me being in the office late from when he was working/travelling. When he's home, I leave by 4:30 p.m.

I'm afraid to ask of him the questions that I have about his recovery. I don't want him to feel pressured by me, or that I'm prying, that's why I'm trying so hard to deal with this on my own. I don't know what changes he's gone through, how he is emotionally or physically at this point. The only comfort I do have is his voicemail from Thanksgiving Eve sounded oodles better than what I heard on Halloween. Gosh, wonder what the Christmas call has in store for me, if it comes. I don't talk to anyone we know about this, there are 6 people other than myself (that I know of) that know where he is, I don't feel it's my place to tell anyone else that may inquire. Yes, it's apparent he does want me to write as I've done so often before when he was on the road. At least writing to him will get my address to him, I can only hope he reciprocates and perhaps then, will reveal some of the answers without me asking the questions. I never had to walk on eggshells with him, now I feel I have to so as to not set him off in the wrong direction.

jojo

Chalkie -

I guess I meant when I suggested asking the questions about rehab I meant what the program entails not if he still loves you and all of his emotions. This program is all about HIM and his desire to be sober and remain that way. That has to be number one in the life of an alcoholic. That is really hard to those that love them but unless they are able to get sober and stay sober in a healthy way then what is there for those that love them?

Write your letter, ask your questions and send your love and support to him, if you are able to do that. Hopefully, when he responds to you he will begin to tell you what you want to hear when he is able. As far as the eggshell thing - he is in a safe place now and there is always someone there that he can talk to or run things by. Number one thing for you is to take care of you. Find a meeting. Read a book. See a movie. Go out with friends. They will all help reduce your anxiety and you will start to feel better.

Take care, Jo

Gabe

Just a thought...
The rehabs that Spicoli was in had programs for the family members and loved ones as well. Mostly, they were a way to introduce Alanon. This isn't a time when you can see him, but it's an effort to offer support to the people who are emotionally involved with the patient. Is there a contact at the rehab you can speak with about this?
Peace,
Gabe

Chalkie

The 'storm' has passed...WHEEEEEE!!!!!!

I received a letter from the A B/F today and it was all I could've hoped for. In his letter, he briefly outlined the program...not all that it entailed or his day to day activities, but more along the lines of what he will get out of this program, his committment to it and what I need to do to arrange for visiting, etc.

He gave me the name and phone number of his case manager who is expecting my call...I don't *****-foot around and that phone call is my first step to get through the doors of rehab.

Jojo, I fully understood what you meant by suggesting I ask my questions. Although there is some worry (based on other posts I've read here) about what the program will do to our relationship (will he not have time for me being so immersed many months down the road? am I relegated to 2nd, 3rd, 4th or lower in his life?), my questions are not based on his feelings for me. When I mentioned emotions, I meant emotions and reactions that he's experiencing and feeling for himself during this process. I do realize this is all about HIM.

Gabe, thank you for your "thought" and had he not offered up his case manager's name and phone number, I would've definitely asked him for SOMEONE to lead my way. As it stands now, I'll have 3 90 minute orientation meetings to attend before I can see him.

While I am feeling better (I just MIGHT go out w/the old school chums on next Monday night), I am still a bit saddened looking ahead to the long haul, fearful of the changes and based on the rehab's schedule, and mine, I don't think I'll be seeing him before Christmas. I'm doing what I can to bury that thought but right now, Christmas doesn't seem so celebratory, the cookies don't seem so important, there's no shopping to be done for him. I have to move past this, I still have a little one who awaits the fat man in the red suit.

Thank you all for your support and if this is the lowest I can go, I am blessed.