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Do we really love addicts?

Old 10-04-2011, 12:14 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I don't think there is a universal definition of "love." It means different things to different people, and even different things at different places in our individual journeys.

When I married my husband, I loved him in the way I knew at the time. I think I actually changed over the years more so than he did. Although his alcoholism progressed, he was essentially mostly the same as he had been all along. But, I changed. The meaning of love changed for me, from devoting myself to someone else to living the best life possible in the limited time available to me on this earth. The kind of love I had in the beginning was not sustainable, especially with alcoholism in the picture.

So, yes I do love my (now ex) husband, but in a very different way than I did all those years ago.

L
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Old 10-04-2011, 12:34 PM
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My AH and I have been best friends for 20 years and there is still lot of love between us, but the bottom line is that his #1 priority "true love" now is alcohol. The game has changed. There is a 'mistress' that demands his attention now. His shadow side has taken over. I grieve the man he used to be --- or was he ever that man?. I'm not willing to have a three way marriage. I do find that in looking back over the years, there are a lot of red flags I should have paid better attention to. I don't think you'll find a perfect marriage. Somebody once told me "There is no Mr. Right, but there is a Mr. We Can Make It Work."

Unfortunately you can't make it work when your spouse is in love with filling their emptiness inside with alcohol. The damage done by living in an alcoholic relationship is severe, and hard to overcome.
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Old 10-04-2011, 05:05 PM
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
I don't think I loved the addict I knew, I did not love myself.. and he obviously didn't love himself either, being an active addict. So we were just playing out our issues with each other, I was guaranteed abandonment from him, and he was guaranteed a Mommy...

This is scary. Are you secretly watching me?
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Old 10-04-2011, 06:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Programmatic View Post
My experience is that the personality you fall in love with is/was a real person that got dissolved by alcohol and it is perfectly possible for that person to be found once again. The person has to want that, though, you can't want it for them and it happen on that energy alone.
I believe this too. We were presented with the best of our loved ones, and the disease took over. Having listened and talked to so many recovering addicts/alcoholics here and in AA, most find themselves again and often an even better version of themselves once in a strong recovery. The trick is deciding to wait until our loved one wants it? Or get out before we go mad ourselves?

I love my RAH deeply, but I do not like the alcoholic version of him at all.
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Old 10-05-2011, 08:28 AM
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Lol Florence
Ahh it is scary indeed, the roles we play!! gladly I realized it was a role. It was not ME. Now I take care of my children (my cats) and that's all, I feel much better
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Old 10-05-2011, 07:25 PM
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We love in our own capacity to love but loving someone who has a limited capacity (as do active addicts) is a one sided love affair to me.

I love him for who he is and it is real love.

But I love myself more and know what I am worth: honesty, communication, consistency.

Doesn't matter how much I may love him, without those things I am pouring my love down a bottomless well.
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Old 10-08-2011, 06:15 AM
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I recently starting talking to my ex again, who is in recovery, because he said wanted to try to be friends-and I hoped that he was really starting to become a good person and we could salvage some semblance of a relationship. And what I found was that he is just as cruel and hurtful and selfish sober as he was an addict, he just doesn't have anything to blame it on. He seems to revel in making fun of people and holding in contempt everything about them. His superority issues have only become bigger now that he thinks he is better than everyone because he isn't using. In the few conversations we have had in the last two weeks, he belittled EVERYTHING about me, from the fact that I drink casually without it being a problem, to my political beliefs, to the way I look. When I told him that I was still having a hard time getting past some of the things he did to me, his exact response was "boo hoo. I like whores. I f***ked a lot of them when we were together. A LOT. I don't know why you are taking it personally, I would have done it to any girl I was with, it wasn't you in particular. And it's not my fault you have such insecurities about not being able to hold my interest." Needless to say, I am not talking to him at all anymore, and deleted every trace of him from my life. He already has a new girlfriend, and he told me it's just a matter of time before he begins to destroy her too. Lucky girl. So anyway, I guess we do love the addict for what they once were or what we know they could be-but I think sometimes, like in my case, we are looking for something in them that isn't even there to begin with. The things I saw in my ex that I was attracted to and loved were just part of his games-he was never really that person at all.
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Old 10-08-2011, 10:04 AM
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Originally Posted by lilybart View Post
I recently starting talking to my ex again, who is in recovery, because he said wanted to try to be friends-and I hoped that he was really starting to become a good person and we could salvage some semblance of a relationship. And what I found was that he is just as cruel and hurtful and selfish sober as he was an addict, he just doesn't have anything to blame it on. He seems to revel in making fun of people and holding in contempt everything about them. His superority issues have only become bigger now that he thinks he is better than everyone because he isn't using. In the few conversations we have had in the last two weeks, he belittled EVERYTHING about me, from the fact that I drink casually without it being a problem, to my political beliefs, to the way I look. When I told him that I was still having a hard time getting past some of the things he did to me, his exact response was "boo hoo. I like whores. I f***ked a lot of them when we were together. A LOT. I don't know why you are taking it personally, I would have done it to any girl I was with, it wasn't you in particular. And it's not my fault you have such insecurities about not being able to hold my interest." Needless to say, I am not talking to him at all anymore, and deleted every trace of him from my life. He already has a new girlfriend, and he told me it's just a matter of time before he begins to destroy her too. Lucky girl. So anyway, I guess we do love the addict for what they once were or what we know they could be-but I think sometimes, like in my case, we are looking for something in them that isn't even there to begin with. The things I saw in my ex that I was attracted to and loved were just part of his games-he was never really that person at all.
With all due respect, lilybart, I hope you run like crazy away from that sociopath. That's sick thinking. Sick.
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Old 10-10-2011, 08:20 AM
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Oh, don't worry, I ran like hell and will never speak to him again. Deleted his number, blocked him on all social networks, and told my friends that are still in casual contact with him via facebook that I never want to hear what he's doing or anything to do with him in any context. Sociopath is the perfect description for him. I guess we always hope there's good in people, no matter how much bad we see-I'm glad I finally see him for exactly what he is.
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Old 10-10-2011, 09:03 AM
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A true addict, who finds contemptuous pride and ego in his sobriety will not remain sober.
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Old 10-10-2011, 09:19 AM
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Originally Posted by lilybart View Post
Oh, don't worry, I ran like hell and will never speak to him again. Deleted his number, blocked him on all social networks, and told my friends that are still in casual contact with him via facebook that I never want to hear what he's doing or anything to do with him in any context. Sociopath is the perfect description for him. I guess we always hope there's good in people, no matter how much bad we see-I'm glad I finally see him for exactly what he is.
That is awesome! It is what I hope I carry away from this painful life lesson...to continue to see the good in people but to be realistic enough to accept reality at the same time. Thanks for sharing!
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Old 10-10-2011, 09:21 AM
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I agree completely, programatic. It's sad, because I really do at the heart of it all hope he finally finds something that makes him happy, but the reality of it is that he never will, and he will relapse.He told me once that I was a "nice" girl with a good job, my own home, and a healthy lifestyle, and he felt the need to damage that because he was damaged. His family is wealthy and they throw money at the problem, which IS the problem obviously, and he thinks himself SO superior to the other people in his program who are doing things like waiting tables and actually working. The worst part is that I felt bad for SO long about how he treated me, like if I had done something different it wouldn't have happened. And now I know that's not the case at all. Lots of time and emotion wasted.
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Old 10-10-2011, 09:54 AM
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Someone DID, before I enacted the no contact rule, tell me he wrote this as his facebook status the day I removed him: "Two people deleted me today. A bitter ex-girlfriend and an emo, man hating lesbian. I love making people hate me." True sociopath.
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