AH testing every last bit of willpower
 

Long story short, AH asked for a few minutes of my time yesterday. I sat and listened to him profess how he is going to AA, learning so much about himself, values honesty, knows that his lying has done irreperable damage to our marriage (duh!) etc... All lead up to him asking if there was a chance of reconciling.

Instead of saying 'hell no', I simply said that what I want and expect are X and that based on what he's shared his comfort level is for 8yrs it seems highly unlikely that either of us could be truly happy bc someone would always be having to give up something they want (he'd have to give up lying for ex).

This lead to more pleading, him swearing on OUR DAUGHTERS LIVES that he hadn't lied about a thing in weeks to me and he was going to prove to me that he wants to be a better man.

I said okay and went to see the girls (watching a movie). I was done with listening and my answer had already been given. I went back into the kitchen sooner than AH thought I would I guess and I caught him up on a chair getting something he'd hidden on top of the cabinets and shoving it in his pocket. I just looked at him. He stammered and told a story about how he was getting up on the chair to get crackers (that are on top of a different cabinet across the kitchen).

I looked at him again with a "you're full of it" face and he told me (I haven't said a word at this point) that I am hyper vigilant looking for him to be lying and I need to relax. I just stood there. He said, "see it's just my keys" and took them out and kept his body turned away from me. At that point I had had it and said, "stop embarassing yourself by lying" and walked past him and could see the outline of a tobacco tin in his pocket which I nonchalantly mentioned.

I could care less about his smoking/tobacco use at this point. But for him to have the nerve to yap at me about how much he values honesty and then try to make me think I was crazy for catching him red handed LYING to me?!

He left and spent the night texting me about how he feels like scum, how he's awful for lying, how he knows he really screwed up this time etc.... Then when that got no reaction, the "I shouldn't even be a father", "goodbye forever" b.s. started.

UGH.

This morning, emails abound and I am ignoring them all.

If I wasn't already convinced that he's a lying piece of __________, yesterday was a thunderbolt of clarity....

More than anything I'm just irritated today with him.

The lying just drove me nuts with my EXAH! I can relate to your irritation.

Take some long deep breaths. Turn that irritation over to your higher power and go on with your day.

Sending you hugs of support!

Just remember on whom your focus belongs.

He's lying, nothing new there. Go easy on yourself, put it behind you and go have a great day. BTW, give your self a little time to relax and you might even look at this and smile. As I was reading I was picturing Bart Simpson going "I didn't do it".

Your friend,

I think I finally got to the point where the lying bounced off of me. It was what I expected so it was just no surprise. Once in a while it would push my button, but that was my issue to deal with. The only thing I believe is sustained change. Action, not just words.

I can relate.... What helps me is to just focus back on myself and my business, and acknowledge I can only control myself and my reactions.

Yesterday's ridiculousness got me thinking-- and I suppose in addition to being an A, part of why he feels this might fly (the bald faced lies) is bc I actually believed things that were totally incredulous and no sane person would have believed for years.

Even though I have made it clear I do not and will not trust him until it is well documented that I should, he apparently thinks of himself as "unique" and "different" (used these words last night in texts) and never believed I'd really, truly be done with believing him or wanting him in spite of the lies...

I think he might haven gotten it through his head this time though... Unreal.

Surprise him with a good quality drug test and then he will not be able to deny it. He probably had illegal drugs up there & in the same house as your daughters!

You might be right but as a former snuff dipper I can tell you that stuff is hard to quit. Its been over 10 years and I still get cravings.

Your friend,

Ahh, I forgot he wan't living there anymore. Nah, I'm not taking that bet.

I keep remembering his wierdness with the text messages and brother you posted about. the "beach incident" and several other abusive episodes he's put you through.

then he makes an entrance, pleads his case and when you see him doing something so obviously sneaky with whatever contraband...he blatantly pees on your leg and tells you "it's raining".

don't believe a word he says unless it's in writing and the check is good.

WTBH...

I understand the insanity all too well. Like you, I am dealing with an abusive alcoholic. The verbal abuse is, IMHO, probably more cunning and baffling than the alcoholism. The crazymaking drove me absolute nuts. I spent so much time trying to 1) get him to understand my reality and 2) figure out if maybe I was crazy.

What has worked wonders for me is... Al-anon, a sponsor, two therapists, and Patricia Evans, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". Stepping out of our alcoholic family system has quite literally saved my life. I went to healthy support places for the validation I so desperately wanted - validation that my AH just could not/would not give me.

I no longer get sucked into the cycle... which for us sounds alot like yours... I put my foot down, AH gets angry and tries to deny any wrong, then he switches to blame-shifting (I am the reason for whatever is wrong), and then it moves into the whole "woe-is-me/I can do no right/I'm worthless" pity party stuff. My AH, like yours, literally went through all 3 phases in a 5 minute talk last night. The difference now is that I didn't participate. I stood there and calmly restated my boundaries. I know what I know. These ARE the facts, no matter what kind of manipulative crap my AH tries to pull.

Feet planted squarely in reality. Why? Because I'm dealing with an active, abusive alcoholic. I have no other choice but to detach from that insanity.

You are NOT crazy... but trying to figure out an active alcoholic will certainly screw with your mind!!

I might not have been as clear as I meant to-- I kind of should apologize for being a bit evil frankly bc I let him give me his shpiel about honesty bc I wanted to see him dig his own grave a bit. I don't trust a sliver of anything he says anymore and after my experience at the funeral last week I feel like a new person.

I know that my expectations/wants/needs are totally sane and reasonable and he can believe, tell me, tell others, take out an ad etc... saying otherwise and I still feel good about what I want and will expect from anyone else I ever get involved with and I KNOW that I deserve it.

So, I know that the pleading his case was a game and I let it happen. Maybe I wanted one last bit of confirmation that he's full of it and boy did my HP give me that yesterday.

I'm not replying to his texts and have deleted all but one of his emails bc I imagine they all are the same fake sorry's that I am bored to tears by at this point...

I have absolutely been in the crazed "I need to make him see" phase for a LONNNNNG time but not yesterday and not today and I think not anymore at all. It feels good to see this quacking as clearly as I can and to not feel anything more than a combination of bemusement and irritation by it. I realize neither of those things are the epitome of health but given where I was (crying, miserable, trying to change him, angry, obsessed etc...) I'll take bemused and mildly irritated for $200 Alex anyday!

As for the thoughts about the chew... It hadn't even occured to me that a) it might be something else and b) why would he take it off the cabinet and c) how did it get there in the 1st place?

Drug test is a good call-- there will be no more time alone with the girls without me having some proof that he's not under the influence of something and he can scream all he wants about it TO HIS LAWYER bc I'm not listening or defending/debating etc...

Yesterday was the last time he'll have even a moment to bend my ear. My time is valuable, I have a LOT to offer others and I will not waste my time with people who don't deserve to be a part of my life.

Maybe that's bitchy of me but that's where I'm at.

Not bitchy.

We are allowed to state what is acceptable and not acceptable to us and not worry if it offends anyone.

:day6 :c011:

I just want to say thanks.

I talked with my therapist today and though I no longer live with active addiction I can get really worked up about what was "said" during our time together.

Even though the info can be completely contradictory I can make myself crazy about how it is my fault that I can't make the two things come together.

It just helps to not feel so alone.