Don't Know How to Deal with Alcoholic Mother.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Panama City, FL
Posts: 9
Don't Know How to Deal with Alcoholic Mother.
There's a lot of back story so I apologize if it gets too long.
I'm 24, just graduated from college this past May, and like many graduates these days I'm living between my mom and dads house while searching for a real job.
For the past 10 years or so my mother has been an alcoholic, I've known this for the last 5 of those years. In high school I never drank, or did drugs or anything of the sort. I didn't even have my first drink til I was a few months past 21, so maybe thats why I never really noticed that she was an alcoholic until she told me, I didn't really know what drunk looked like. Then her behavior started making more sense other than "thats what happens when she gets depressed."
See when I was in 6th grade my parents got a divorce. According to my mom its all my dads fault and he is the most selfish a-hole on the planet and doesn't deserve to be happy. She kind of turned it into a race to see who can get married first. This led to her getting into a couple of bad relationships that didn't turn out well for any of us. My Junior year of high-school my dad ended up getting married and this of course made my mom feel like she lost the race and aided her depression.
Slowly but surely she got more and more depressed, then she moved to a new town for a job in Florida. She says this is when she started drinking. All at once she started going through menopause, loneliness, suffered from severe depression, and became an alcoholic. On top of this she's had to care for my youngest brother (I have two) who is severely disabled with Cerebral Palsy. He's 19 but has the mental and physical capabilities of a 1 year old. So this only added to everything.
There were even a couple occasions where she was driving drunk with me and my two younger brothers in the car with her. It was after a boyfriend broke up with her and she had a nervous breakdown. Few months later, unprovoked she told me she was an alcoholic. She soon after started going to these meetings for people with alcohol problems, but I don't think it was AA. It was something else. I went to a couple meetings with her, which was just really strange for me. Then without warning, she stopped going. When I asked her why she said her psychiatrist told her to stop going because she didn't like the way the lady was running the program or something. I told someone about this and they said it sounded like B.S. and it seemed more likely my mom was just making an excuse not to go.
I've tried talking with her about the alcohol on several occasions, but every-time I bring it up she immediately flips it around and tells me how its all dads fault that she's in her current situation. Its always somebody else's fault with her. One time I found a Vodka bottle unopened and confronted her about it, the proceeded to dump the entire bottle in front of her. That made her extremely angry, and still managed to swing it around on my dad as if he was the one that bought it and told her to drink. It got to the point where I just stopped bringing it up because it seemed like there was nothing I could do, and all it did was make things worse.
Then just before I moved away on my own to go to school, it almost seemed like my mom started to get better on her own. As if she was drinking less. She was still depressed 24/7, but she didn't seem to get sloppy stumbling all over the place drunk. But then I would occasionally find a coffee mug full of clear liquid and I knew what it was. She was still drinking, but either became better at hiding it or wasn't drinking so much at once. I also realized she drinks and drives almost all the time. If a cop were to pull her over she would undoubtedly go to jail.
Maybe part of its my fault that she's been like this for so long. I started to ignore it because i've almost become numb to it and felt like there's nothing I can do. I don't even think anyone else in my family knows. My dad certainly doesn't, not sure if my brother does. My uncle (her brother, the only family member of hers that talks to her) probably doesn't even know. The only other people I've told are my ex-girlfriend and a close friend of mine, but both of them have solid families with no substance or alcohol problems so they don't know how to help me or what to say or do.
The reality of it all came crashing back down on me today. For the past year my mom has been with out a job and for the past few months has been at risk of getting foreclosed on the house. For some reason yesterday my mom thought it was a good idea to buy a $700 kayak as a early graduation present to herself for this Kidney Dialysis program she's doing. When I got to her house today she was extremely happy about it and smiling a lot. She wanted to go to the water and try it out for the first time. So I said okay and drove down to the beach.
Once we got down to the water she decided to try to get into the kayak. I thought it was weird though that she was standing in the water in street close wearing shoes and socks. She then tried to get into the boat and started stumbling, then I knew she was really drunk. After more stumbling and falling half in the water she finally made it into the boat. All the while some on lookers saw the whole thing. It was the most embarrassing moment in my entire life. I even told her I was embarrassed. All she said was "I'm embarrassed too".
After she finished trying the kayak out she came back and again stumbled all over the place getting out of the boat, eventually completely falling in the water and overall just walking sloppy. Even a toddler would have realized she was drunk at this point. Eventually she just sat down in the water and started crying saying she didn't want to live anymore.
Even worse is that I almost didn't even care anymore. I've dealt with all of this for so long I've become numb to it. Its like going to Disney world every single day for 10 years straight. Eventually its not going to be Magical anymore. It makes me angry and sad to see her like this, but I've just about given up. At this point I almost feel like I would be fine never seeing my mom again. Just being at her house is mentally unhealthy for me. There's nothing good about being around her anymore. I feel like a bad person for just wanting to give up on my mom, but at this point it seems like there's nothing I can do.
I haven't seen my real mom since I was in 5th grade. Ever since that divorce started its been a downward spiral. Does anyone have any idea what I can do? I would like her to go to AA but I know I can't force her, I doubt my middle brother would help (The youngest is disabled), and my Uncle lives 1000 miles away. I literally have no one that can help and I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up on her, but it seems like my only option at this point.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I'm 24, just graduated from college this past May, and like many graduates these days I'm living between my mom and dads house while searching for a real job.
For the past 10 years or so my mother has been an alcoholic, I've known this for the last 5 of those years. In high school I never drank, or did drugs or anything of the sort. I didn't even have my first drink til I was a few months past 21, so maybe thats why I never really noticed that she was an alcoholic until she told me, I didn't really know what drunk looked like. Then her behavior started making more sense other than "thats what happens when she gets depressed."
See when I was in 6th grade my parents got a divorce. According to my mom its all my dads fault and he is the most selfish a-hole on the planet and doesn't deserve to be happy. She kind of turned it into a race to see who can get married first. This led to her getting into a couple of bad relationships that didn't turn out well for any of us. My Junior year of high-school my dad ended up getting married and this of course made my mom feel like she lost the race and aided her depression.
Slowly but surely she got more and more depressed, then she moved to a new town for a job in Florida. She says this is when she started drinking. All at once she started going through menopause, loneliness, suffered from severe depression, and became an alcoholic. On top of this she's had to care for my youngest brother (I have two) who is severely disabled with Cerebral Palsy. He's 19 but has the mental and physical capabilities of a 1 year old. So this only added to everything.
There were even a couple occasions where she was driving drunk with me and my two younger brothers in the car with her. It was after a boyfriend broke up with her and she had a nervous breakdown. Few months later, unprovoked she told me she was an alcoholic. She soon after started going to these meetings for people with alcohol problems, but I don't think it was AA. It was something else. I went to a couple meetings with her, which was just really strange for me. Then without warning, she stopped going. When I asked her why she said her psychiatrist told her to stop going because she didn't like the way the lady was running the program or something. I told someone about this and they said it sounded like B.S. and it seemed more likely my mom was just making an excuse not to go.
I've tried talking with her about the alcohol on several occasions, but every-time I bring it up she immediately flips it around and tells me how its all dads fault that she's in her current situation. Its always somebody else's fault with her. One time I found a Vodka bottle unopened and confronted her about it, the proceeded to dump the entire bottle in front of her. That made her extremely angry, and still managed to swing it around on my dad as if he was the one that bought it and told her to drink. It got to the point where I just stopped bringing it up because it seemed like there was nothing I could do, and all it did was make things worse.
Then just before I moved away on my own to go to school, it almost seemed like my mom started to get better on her own. As if she was drinking less. She was still depressed 24/7, but she didn't seem to get sloppy stumbling all over the place drunk. But then I would occasionally find a coffee mug full of clear liquid and I knew what it was. She was still drinking, but either became better at hiding it or wasn't drinking so much at once. I also realized she drinks and drives almost all the time. If a cop were to pull her over she would undoubtedly go to jail.
Maybe part of its my fault that she's been like this for so long. I started to ignore it because i've almost become numb to it and felt like there's nothing I can do. I don't even think anyone else in my family knows. My dad certainly doesn't, not sure if my brother does. My uncle (her brother, the only family member of hers that talks to her) probably doesn't even know. The only other people I've told are my ex-girlfriend and a close friend of mine, but both of them have solid families with no substance or alcohol problems so they don't know how to help me or what to say or do.
The reality of it all came crashing back down on me today. For the past year my mom has been with out a job and for the past few months has been at risk of getting foreclosed on the house. For some reason yesterday my mom thought it was a good idea to buy a $700 kayak as a early graduation present to herself for this Kidney Dialysis program she's doing. When I got to her house today she was extremely happy about it and smiling a lot. She wanted to go to the water and try it out for the first time. So I said okay and drove down to the beach.
Once we got down to the water she decided to try to get into the kayak. I thought it was weird though that she was standing in the water in street close wearing shoes and socks. She then tried to get into the boat and started stumbling, then I knew she was really drunk. After more stumbling and falling half in the water she finally made it into the boat. All the while some on lookers saw the whole thing. It was the most embarrassing moment in my entire life. I even told her I was embarrassed. All she said was "I'm embarrassed too".
After she finished trying the kayak out she came back and again stumbled all over the place getting out of the boat, eventually completely falling in the water and overall just walking sloppy. Even a toddler would have realized she was drunk at this point. Eventually she just sat down in the water and started crying saying she didn't want to live anymore.
Even worse is that I almost didn't even care anymore. I've dealt with all of this for so long I've become numb to it. Its like going to Disney world every single day for 10 years straight. Eventually its not going to be Magical anymore. It makes me angry and sad to see her like this, but I've just about given up. At this point I almost feel like I would be fine never seeing my mom again. Just being at her house is mentally unhealthy for me. There's nothing good about being around her anymore. I feel like a bad person for just wanting to give up on my mom, but at this point it seems like there's nothing I can do.
I haven't seen my real mom since I was in 5th grade. Ever since that divorce started its been a downward spiral. Does anyone have any idea what I can do? I would like her to go to AA but I know I can't force her, I doubt my middle brother would help (The youngest is disabled), and my Uncle lives 1000 miles away. I literally have no one that can help and I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up on her, but it seems like my only option at this point.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
Reading this I really feel for you, the bit about the kayak reminded me so much of my own experience with my partner, stumbling about and going between childish optimism and bleak depression in the space of an hour.
Horrible to deal with isn't it and I'm especially sorry you had this through school-a time when you really needed the support.
I'm sure everyone on here will give you this advice-GET HELP FOR YOURSELF!
You really should go to Al Anon, it will give you a deeper insight into the problem and ways of dealing with it. Your Mum has already demonstrated that she won't give up and you are not in a position to stop her-she will probably need to hit rock bottom before that happens-and none of that will be your fault.
There are two books by Melodie Beattie-Co Dependant No More and a more recent one-get them !
Wishing you well
Horrible to deal with isn't it and I'm especially sorry you had this through school-a time when you really needed the support.
I'm sure everyone on here will give you this advice-GET HELP FOR YOURSELF!
You really should go to Al Anon, it will give you a deeper insight into the problem and ways of dealing with it. Your Mum has already demonstrated that she won't give up and you are not in a position to stop her-she will probably need to hit rock bottom before that happens-and none of that will be your fault.
There are two books by Melodie Beattie-Co Dependant No More and a more recent one-get them !
Wishing you well
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
You are a sweet, caring son--not a bad person. I agree with painterman. You take care of YOU. Alanon is a great place to start as are the Beattie books--or anything to teach and help you about boundaries and detaching with love. Not abandoning, detaching. It will consume you if left alone and unaddressed.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
What a horrible shame that your mother can't seem to let go of past hurts and move forward to the happy life she could have. It's clear she sees herself as a victim, and something about that works for her on some level. I hope that someday she will see that, too, and make the changes in her life so that she can be truly happy!
I hope you will stick around and read all you can about alcoholism. One thing we learn here is a concept called the 3C's:
You did not cause your mother's alcoholism (no one did).
You cannot control your mother's drinking or behavior.
You cannot cure your mother.
What you can do is live the life you hope she would live and perhaps yours can be an example of a joy-filled, peaceful life for her.
Good luck with your job search!
HG
I hope you will stick around and read all you can about alcoholism. One thing we learn here is a concept called the 3C's:
You did not cause your mother's alcoholism (no one did).
You cannot control your mother's drinking or behavior.
You cannot cure your mother.
What you can do is live the life you hope she would live and perhaps yours can be an example of a joy-filled, peaceful life for her.
Good luck with your job search!
HG
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
So sorry for you and your family, is your mom taking good care of your brother, if not you need to contact Child and Family Services.
There is nothing you can do where your mom is concerned, you should get to Al-anon and get some help for yourself.
Please come back often and let us know how you are doing.
There is nothing you can do where your mom is concerned, you should get to Al-anon and get some help for yourself.
Please come back often and let us know how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
You sound like a wonderful, caring person . . . there is nothing you can do for your mom except take great care of yourself . . .I would recommend going to Alanon or getting into therapy - if you can find an Adult Child of Alcoholic meeting, you will find a lot of support there.
Good luck and don't ever think it is was anything you did or didn't do - you were just a kid . . .she was not a parent to you and you deserved a functional parent, no matter what!
Good luck and don't ever think it is was anything you did or didn't do - you were just a kid . . .she was not a parent to you and you deserved a functional parent, no matter what!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Panama City, FL
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Willybluedog 
So sorry for you and your family, is your mom taking good care of your brother, if not you need to contact Child and Family Services.
There is nothing you can do where your mom is concerned, you should get to Al-anon and get some help for yourself.
Please come back often and let us know how you are doing.
There is nothing you can do where your mom is concerned, you should get to Al-anon and get some help for yourself.
Please come back often and let us know how you are doing.
And I don't know if I mentioned, but until I do find a job its almost required that I go to my moms house. Because my brother is disabled, I have to go where he goes. He needs 24 hour care. My dad occasionally goes on business trips and when he does I have to go to my mothers house. I have to go there because she goes to this dialysis training from 6am to 5pm, so I have to be there to get my brother up and to school in the morning.
I don't know what time these AA meetings usually are, but I don't have a car so any time I need to go somewhere I have to use my one of my parents, and that means waiting til they get back from work. Do they only have them in the evening?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
Here's one link to Alanon in your area
Al-Anon AL|NW FL Area 64 - District 12 Meeting Times and Places
Maybe someone will come along with more details. Alanon is for those affected by loved ones who are alcoholics, whether the alcoholic goes to AA or is in recovery doesn't matter, just fyi. It can be relieving to be around others who are going through the same thing.
Al-Anon AL|NW FL Area 64 - District 12 Meeting Times and Places
Maybe someone will come along with more details. Alanon is for those affected by loved ones who are alcoholics, whether the alcoholic goes to AA or is in recovery doesn't matter, just fyi. It can be relieving to be around others who are going through the same thing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Panama City, FL
Posts: 9
I know there isn't much more to say on this thread, and I really appreciate all of the responses. As soon as I get back to my dads house (where I've primarily been living since graduating), I'm going to look into the Al-Anon meetings. I've been wanting to go to therapy for a few years now, just never really had the chance.
But the reason I'm responding again is because I woke up a couple hours ago feeling like I need to rage, and I think typing it out may help a little. For the past two days my mom has been sick with vomiting, and instead of sympathy I just can't even stand the sight of her. I don't think its because of alcohol that she's sick right now (I think its because of stress and anxiety), but it just adds to our situation.
Right now I feel like all I want to do is go around the house and hit everything with a bat and smash it into a million pieces. Its bringing tears to my eyes. I can't stand this house, and seeing my mom like this just makes me even more angry.
It seems everything bad thats happened to her since moving to Florida is in some way related to alcohol. To start off she bought this money pit of a house because one of her crappy boyfriends talked her into it because he liked it and thought he was moving in, A spilled can of house paint which is still dried on her carpet 7 years later, a dog she bought when depressed that has become a money pit that has odor issues thus causing the whole house to smell like wet dog all day every day, moldy smelling clothes that sit soaking in the washer because she doesn't have the motivation to put them in the dryer, a $700 kayak when shes at risk of foreclosure on the house, a new lawnmower that she left out in the yard for two months straight in turn ruining it to the point of not working anymore, and most recently staining the carpet with hair dye.
I don't know if she's depressed because she's an alcoholic or and alcoholic because she's depressed. Either way I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I use to be able to tolerate it for months on end (when I lived with her for two years after high school), but now I can't seem to tolerate for more than a couple days.
I want to just stay at my dads house, but I feel like I can't do that. My disabled brother goes to school in the town my mom lives, and if I were to say that I didn't want to see my mom anymore 1) my dad would start asking questions why, and 2) I'm afraid that would send my mom over the edge abandoning her like that. Driving her to suicide or extremely heavy drinking.
As I mentioned she's going to school for this Dialysis program, which is her first real chance of moving out of here since she moved here in the first place. This town is unhealthy for her and its her ticket to move back to where her family and friends are (which would be good for her). So I don't know if I should try to tolerate it just a couple months more til she finishes or, or go right now. I don't want to kill this for her when she's so close to finishing.
But the reason I'm responding again is because I woke up a couple hours ago feeling like I need to rage, and I think typing it out may help a little. For the past two days my mom has been sick with vomiting, and instead of sympathy I just can't even stand the sight of her. I don't think its because of alcohol that she's sick right now (I think its because of stress and anxiety), but it just adds to our situation.
Right now I feel like all I want to do is go around the house and hit everything with a bat and smash it into a million pieces. Its bringing tears to my eyes. I can't stand this house, and seeing my mom like this just makes me even more angry.
It seems everything bad thats happened to her since moving to Florida is in some way related to alcohol. To start off she bought this money pit of a house because one of her crappy boyfriends talked her into it because he liked it and thought he was moving in, A spilled can of house paint which is still dried on her carpet 7 years later, a dog she bought when depressed that has become a money pit that has odor issues thus causing the whole house to smell like wet dog all day every day, moldy smelling clothes that sit soaking in the washer because she doesn't have the motivation to put them in the dryer, a $700 kayak when shes at risk of foreclosure on the house, a new lawnmower that she left out in the yard for two months straight in turn ruining it to the point of not working anymore, and most recently staining the carpet with hair dye.
I don't know if she's depressed because she's an alcoholic or and alcoholic because she's depressed. Either way I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I use to be able to tolerate it for months on end (when I lived with her for two years after high school), but now I can't seem to tolerate for more than a couple days.
I want to just stay at my dads house, but I feel like I can't do that. My disabled brother goes to school in the town my mom lives, and if I were to say that I didn't want to see my mom anymore 1) my dad would start asking questions why, and 2) I'm afraid that would send my mom over the edge abandoning her like that. Driving her to suicide or extremely heavy drinking.
As I mentioned she's going to school for this Dialysis program, which is her first real chance of moving out of here since she moved here in the first place. This town is unhealthy for her and its her ticket to move back to where her family and friends are (which would be good for her). So I don't know if I should try to tolerate it just a couple months more til she finishes or, or go right now. I don't want to kill this for her when she's so close to finishing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
I'm glad you can come here and vent your rage. Alcoholism does incite rage, truly.
Often times, you can get rides to meetings if you ask; don't let your dad's schedule be a barrier to getting this wonderful help you could really use! Speak up at your first meeting and tell them where you have some needs, ask if anyone can help you solve the logistics of getting your needs met. Just ask, and see what may open up.
Sending support!
Breathe! Vent all you want here, it's much healthier than losing control, and we understand completely the rage thing!
CLMI
Often times, you can get rides to meetings if you ask; don't let your dad's schedule be a barrier to getting this wonderful help you could really use! Speak up at your first meeting and tell them where you have some needs, ask if anyone can help you solve the logistics of getting your needs met. Just ask, and see what may open up.
Sending support!
Breathe! Vent all you want here, it's much healthier than losing control, and we understand completely the rage thing!
CLMI
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Panama City, FL
Posts: 9
Getting to the meetings shouldn't be a problem for me. Even though I don't have a car at the moment, it seems all the meetings in my area start after my dad gets home from work so I can just use his car. I'll just tell him I'm going to a friends or something.
The real problem is if I can not see my mom without something really bad happening as a result of it.
The real problem is if I can not see my mom without something really bad happening as a result of it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
One of the things we talk about in recovery is HALT.
This stands for:
Sometimes, when we feel we are on the edge of sanity, about to lose control, we pull out the HALT thought and take a look at if one of these or more is stressing us badly, and then we do whatever small thing possible to work toward THAT stressor, in that moment. When you have a pressure cooker, ANY small hole will help! We understand!
You can also use tools like time, distance, detaching, to buy time for the rage to subside to manageable levels. Or get a third party to accompany you as a buffer if you are truly concerned about yourself.
Al-anon will provide you both with a loving group of folks who UNDERSTAND and have BEEN THERE, and also with a structure to think about these things, tools you can use, literature you can ponder over, etc. For now, focus on the fact that you now have Al-anon on the horizon, take hope in that. Let yourself adjust to the meetings, don't expect miracles the first few times, it often feels strange at first. This is very traumatic, what you are living through. We can validate that for you. You are doing great, making forward steps, expresssing how you are coping, planning to try Al-anon.
Sending encouragement!
CLMI
This stands for:
- Hungry
- Angry
- Lonely
- Tired
Sometimes, when we feel we are on the edge of sanity, about to lose control, we pull out the HALT thought and take a look at if one of these or more is stressing us badly, and then we do whatever small thing possible to work toward THAT stressor, in that moment. When you have a pressure cooker, ANY small hole will help! We understand!
You can also use tools like time, distance, detaching, to buy time for the rage to subside to manageable levels. Or get a third party to accompany you as a buffer if you are truly concerned about yourself.
Al-anon will provide you both with a loving group of folks who UNDERSTAND and have BEEN THERE, and also with a structure to think about these things, tools you can use, literature you can ponder over, etc. For now, focus on the fact that you now have Al-anon on the horizon, take hope in that. Let yourself adjust to the meetings, don't expect miracles the first few times, it often feels strange at first. This is very traumatic, what you are living through. We can validate that for you. You are doing great, making forward steps, expresssing how you are coping, planning to try Al-anon.
Sending encouragement!
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
I think I read your statement wrong, thinking you were talking about losing your temper, when you meant something bad happening to your brother, due to your mother's neglect?
Can you call social services to get your brother plugged into their program for wellness checkups? You have valid concerns for his wellbeing, even if you don't have CONTROL over his circumstances. There are social services who have legal jurisdiction to ensure folks like your brother, who have risk factors, are not abused or neglected, but they have to know about the case to be on it.
CLMI
Can you call social services to get your brother plugged into their program for wellness checkups? You have valid concerns for his wellbeing, even if you don't have CONTROL over his circumstances. There are social services who have legal jurisdiction to ensure folks like your brother, who have risk factors, are not abused or neglected, but they have to know about the case to be on it.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
You are not responaible for your mom's actions or behavior. I have an addict mom, who is always blaming other people for her problems. So, I understand the guilt that you feel. However, if you choose to not go over to her house, that is your choice. Whether or not she takes care of herself is her choice. In terms of your brother with CS, it sounds like you may have to contact adult protective services. I think that would be the agency since he's 19. You could talk to somebody and tell them that you are concerned about his care. It sounds like your mom is barely able to take care of herself let alone somebody else.
Congrats from graduating from college!! I think it is great that you are on this site because it's a good place to find people who are in similar situations. I can imagine that it must be very hard watching your mom self-destruct. I know that you are feeling all kinds of emotions. You might want to tell a family member or friend--not b/c they can do anything to help your mom, but that you have somebody to talk to.
I understand you feeling embarassed with the situation with the kayak. Have you read Codependent No More? These are your mom's choices and only she is responsible for her behavior.
There may be some Alanon meetings close enough to you that you can get to them easily. You could also try social services in town and see if you can get a referral for yourself to see a counselor. There are counselors who see people on sliding fee basis. Would you feel comfortable telling your father about this situation? It may help if he understand why you needed to spend more time at his house. You might want to get on a plan as to how you can get on your own. You might have to take on some kind of job--with a temporary agency or something. That way, you can start saving for living on your own. It sounds like being around your mom is a toxic environment. Good luck and take care!
Congrats from graduating from college!! I think it is great that you are on this site because it's a good place to find people who are in similar situations. I can imagine that it must be very hard watching your mom self-destruct. I know that you are feeling all kinds of emotions. You might want to tell a family member or friend--not b/c they can do anything to help your mom, but that you have somebody to talk to.
I understand you feeling embarassed with the situation with the kayak. Have you read Codependent No More? These are your mom's choices and only she is responsible for her behavior.
There may be some Alanon meetings close enough to you that you can get to them easily. You could also try social services in town and see if you can get a referral for yourself to see a counselor. There are counselors who see people on sliding fee basis. Would you feel comfortable telling your father about this situation? It may help if he understand why you needed to spend more time at his house. You might want to get on a plan as to how you can get on your own. You might have to take on some kind of job--with a temporary agency or something. That way, you can start saving for living on your own. It sounds like being around your mom is a toxic environment. Good luck and take care!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Oh, regarding your situations and 1 and 2. One, why not tell your dad the situation? Two, you are not responsible for your mom's behavior. If she is "sent over the edge," it is not your fault or responsibility. Maybe, it'll be the wake-up call she needs to get better.
If you think your mom is a suicide risk, then call 911 and have them come and do an assessment. Otherwise, there is not much you can do regarding this. I understand where you are coming from b/c my addict mom has attempted suicide twice during this year. I can't really do anything except get help for myself, take care of my needs, pray, and hope that she gets the mental health care that she needs.
If you think your mom is a suicide risk, then call 911 and have them come and do an assessment. Otherwise, there is not much you can do regarding this. I understand where you are coming from b/c my addict mom has attempted suicide twice during this year. I can't really do anything except get help for myself, take care of my needs, pray, and hope that she gets the mental health care that she needs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Panama City, FL
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by catlovermi
I think I read your statement wrong, thinking you were talking about losing your temper, when you meant something bad happening to your brother, due to your mother's neglect?
My concern is that if I tell my mom I don't want to come to her house anymore, or at the most stay there for more than a couple days that this decision will send her deeper into depression and drinking more, and even another nervous breakdown.
My brother isn't a concern for me. She may not be able to take care of herself or the house, but my brother is the one thing she CAN take care of. My brother goes where I go simply because both my parents are gone during the day and I'm the only one that can take care of him. Not because of neglect by either of them.
Originally Posted by bluebelle
Would you feel comfortable telling your father about this situation? It may help if he understand why you needed to spend more time at his house. You might want to get on a plan as to how you can get on your own. You might have to take on some kind of job--with a temporary agency or something. That way, you can start saving for living on your own. It sounds like being around your mom is a toxic environment. Good luck and take care!
I haven't mentioned it but my parents live 2 hours from each other. I have friends and a social life in the town my dad lives and I actually go out. At my moms I'm trapped in her house dealing with her alcoholism all day.
If you think your mom is a suicide risk, then call 911 and have them come and do an assessment. Otherwise, there is not much you can do regarding this.
pray, and hope that she gets the mental health care that she needs.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: San Francisco, California
Posts: 36
I am so feeling you right now! Your situation is really hard. Her's is too. I feel for her-she must be in so much pain. The drinking is contributing heavily to her depression. Your young and obviously have a lot of common sense and I know you have love for her even if now it's changed to anger. No one can help you or her unless they know how deep in trouble she is and I am sure she would freak out if the authorities came and took her disabled son away.
She's managing to do a class...and your hope's for her are they the same as hers? Have you told her how you see things? Have you told her to "stop the madness" before everything falls apart? I wish so much I could help you but the only thing I can say is for you for sure to reach out to someone you trust...How about that Uncle? Could you speak to him with confidentiality? At the very least get yourself involved with a local support group like suggested above. It should help you find some relief. Best Best wishes for a good outcome...Re: Mental Health help look in your local phone book or start dialing in the nearest large city and find out if they know how you can navigate "the system". If she can be open to mental health help that is a huge good thing!
She's managing to do a class...and your hope's for her are they the same as hers? Have you told her how you see things? Have you told her to "stop the madness" before everything falls apart? I wish so much I could help you but the only thing I can say is for you for sure to reach out to someone you trust...How about that Uncle? Could you speak to him with confidentiality? At the very least get yourself involved with a local support group like suggested above. It should help you find some relief. Best Best wishes for a good outcome...Re: Mental Health help look in your local phone book or start dialing in the nearest large city and find out if they know how you can navigate "the system". If she can be open to mental health help that is a huge good thing!
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hello Giant,
I was married to an alcohic for 22 yrs and like you my mother was a raging one. I can understand COMPLETELY everything that you think and feel. I too live in Panama City Beach FL and my daughter and myself came here from Ohio for work. Click on my name or anyone else's to learn our histories and stay on this board for support and guidance because truly without this board I would be in a mental facility somewhere...lol The advice that you have been given is solid....learn from it okay...and breath hunny...just breath. Help is here. Welcome aboard.
Janitw
I was married to an alcohic for 22 yrs and like you my mother was a raging one. I can understand COMPLETELY everything that you think and feel. I too live in Panama City Beach FL and my daughter and myself came here from Ohio for work. Click on my name or anyone else's to learn our histories and stay on this board for support and guidance because truly without this board I would be in a mental facility somewhere...lol The advice that you have been given is solid....learn from it okay...and breath hunny...just breath. Help is here. Welcome aboard.
Janitw
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Panama City, FL
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by 952girl
She's managing to do a class...and your hope's for her are they the same as hers? Have you told her how you see things? Have you told her to "stop the madness" before everything falls apart? I wish so much I could help you but the only thing I can say is for you for sure to reach out to someone you trust...How about that Uncle? Could you speak to him with confidentiality? At the very least get yourself involved with a local support group like suggested above.
I haven't talked to her about the drinking in a long time. Partly because I was away for 4 years so I wasn't seeing how bad it was. Now I'm afraid to bring it because it just sets her off into a crying angry swearing fit that lasts the whole day. Anytime I mention she just needs to get it together she says "its not that easy, and your dad just has his cushy life". Again it always goes back to comparing herself to how my fathers life is. I can try my Uncle, its just a bit nerve racking since I don't know how he's going to react. He's a very kind and calm person but lately it seems he hasn't been taking some things very seriously, such as my mom being at risk of foreclosure.
My dad told me today I'm having to go back to my moms this Sunday. I really don't want to, and I'm depressed just thinking about it so I won't be able to get to any meetings until the week after. Timing for meetings didn't quite work out this week for me.
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