Mchudson14

So my AH decided to finally sober up today and call me to say he's sorry for being gone for 4 nights and 3 days. I got away from our place after he went crazy on me and am staying with family. I finally am finding the courage to not go back but he says I'm being stubborn for not forgiving him and coming back home. I told him I wouldn't come back unless he's been sober for a while and he gets control of himself. He says I'm just abandoning him and that I don't know what it takes to be in a marriage.

I don't know if it is me that is being stubborn or do I really need to stand up to him and not go back anymore? I'm scared of him when he drinks and don't want to put myself or my daughter in any kind of danger, this is why I left.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

wellnowwhat

He disappears for 4 nights and is now saying you are abandoning him?!?! Wow!! That's really messed up.

It's him. It's really him. Not you. Him.

I'm scared of him when he drinks and don't want to put myself or my daughter in any kind of danger, this is why I left.


Has anyone ever had a better reason for not going back?

You are doing well to recognize the danger, take a healthy step away, and stated what it would take to return. You are acting in your and your daughter's best interests. Let him call you whatever name he wants, use any manipulation he wants, be strong. You are on the right track.

Keep safe. Wishing both you and your daughter well.

NotSoSmart

Hi and welcome....

There have been many things I couldn't or wouldn't do for myself, but for the sake of my son I was able to do them. Think of your daughter and strive to give her the kind of life she needs to grow up to be a strong, healthy and secure woman.

I agree with Marie on the abandonment thing.. he can leave for days and you're the one abandoning him? This sounds like the alcoholic "quacking". There is a thread on here of quacking quotes... not sure if its a sticky yet but its a good read if you can find it.

lillamy

It's him.

laurie6781

This is called MANIPULATION and QUACKING.

This is good. Even if he were to 'quit' tonight, it will take a lot more than just 'quitting.' He has an awful lot of work to do on himself.

Please keep the distance, and WATCH his ACTIONS, as his words mean nothing.

You did good removing yourself and your daughter to a safe place. Please stay in that safe place as I suspect it is going to get worse before it will get any better, if ever.

You are not crazy. It is HIM!!!!

Please keep posting and let us know how you and your daughter are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

Seren

I must say that in my opinion, he's just being manipulative. If he truly "got it", he would not pressure you to do anything. Instead, in his mind, it's still all about him--and I'm sorry to hear it.

I hope that he will truly decide to get better, but it seems to me that he has a way to go.

Hugs, HG

catlovermi

^ Worth repeating, again and again.

You are showing your daughter by your actions that men who think only of themselves and who abandon women are not acceptable. You by your actions are teaching her that women do not have to accept unacceptable behavior from the men in their lives. And even if your daughter is too young to be aware of this right now, it is great practice for you - to become a habit, for later when she can assimilate this lesson, and value.

CLMI

dollydo

It is him, he is an alcoholic and again I say possibly using hard drugs. The disappearing thing is indicative of a drug binge. In many cases alcohol and crack go hand in hand. That was the case for my exabf. Asking him will do no good as he will lie they all do.

Please continue to protect your daughter, I would not consider taking him back until he has embraced a strong recovery program and is clean and sober for 1 year or longer.

Stay put, get yourself to meetings, discuss this with your parents, as you are very fortunate to have a support network.

Keep posting.

wanttobehealthy

He will have lots of apologies until the alarm he feels right now about having been gone for days on a bender passes (and it will) and then the behaviors will repeat themselves, you'll be blamed and on and on it goes.

I am sure I was told this many times and it took going round and round on the merrygoround far too many times before I got off and saw it for what it was.

I've never met anyone who could screw with my head/thinking/perceptions faster and more wily than an addict and it sure sounds like your AH is doing that to you.

You left bc you were fearful. Remember that.

I know it's hard to resist the "I'll never do it again etc.." but if that's true, you can watch from afar and see how different he is and always reconnect later. Chances are he has no interest in changing and just wants you to believe his crocodile tears and words and then he can go back to same old same old...

Take care of yourself....

alaskasunshine

I am an alcoholic and my advice is it would help him if you gave him a time frame. Like, if he stays sober for 90 days, AND he attends AA during those 90 days and to prove it to you have him show you his 30 day coin, 60 day coin, and his 90 day coin. AND ask to meet his sponser. Because with out help, it (alcohol) is too much for us. We cant quit without help. Dont buy into him trying to tell you he can do it on his own. We cant.

marie1960

At this point disregard anything he says. Do not allow his ranting to confuse your good judgement. Classic manipulation. He is acting like an immature frat boy.

It is not ok for a married man with a family to disappear for four days. His drinking is spiraling out of control. Let him own his actions.

Continue to stay with family, do not go back to the abusive home. Stay strong, and keep posting. You are not alone.

Mchudson14

Thanks for the advice.
@Alaskasunshine I've tried to help him before and one time he stayed sober for a month. That 30th day, like clockwork, he went out on a bender. He said he knew he could make it 30 days bc he wasn't an alcoholic. Since then I say I'll come back and he says he'll be sober and then gradually he goes back to just one after work or just a couple with dinner or a few for both of us to "get silly"....it's always something. I would be more than willing to help him but he told me he needs me there now, and I think this is just another attempt at getting me back home.

It's hard to stay strong but this is the strongest I've been; I have really found support here.

suki44883

If you are afraid of him, don't go back. Listen to your gut. It will never lie to you.

Freedom1990

dollydo

Unfortunately, you cannot help him. There is more than one issue here. Many people are abusers and are not addicts. The jury is still out, however, it has been expressed that alcohol and or drugs can magnify the abuse, yet, it is not the reason for the abuse, it lies much deeper, it is a personality flaw.

Please trust your gut, if you are afraid don't go back. As with addiction, abuse is a progressive disease.