just another broken heart...still in love with ex who is likely alcoholic
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 25
just another broken heart...still in love with ex who is likely alcoholic
I keep trying to tell myself this breakup was for the best and my ex has alcohol issues that would have probably made me miserable for the rest of my life but all I can think about is how great things were most of the time we dated. He is in his mid 30s and I just turned 30. The worst part is I know he is probably not even thinking about me and I'm sitting at home wondering how things got to this point.
We dated for about 8 months and there are three incidents that really stand out in my head where his drinking bothered me. During those incidents he drank to the point he blacked out and was pretty much verbally abusive towards me; telling me he could treat me like crap and I would take it and he didn't care about me and that we would never have a future. He drinks a lot but has only been mean to me those three times, usually he just gets affectionate or really happy. He drank to the point of blacking out fairly often, I would say at least 3 times over the past month he has woken up and said he didn't remember the night before but most of those times he was pretty calm.
This last time, when I left him, he drove himself to the bar (he was drunk when he drove to the bar) to drink alone instead of spending time with me when we had plans to hang out because we wouldn't see each other for a week due to conflicting work schedules. When I went to pick him up (not because he called for a ride but because I drove by and noticed his SUV there) he had no idea how he got there, what day/time it was, and why I was mad at him. I got really mad/hurt and broke something of his (which I regret because I rarely lose my temper and I replaced it the next day) and ended things that night because I felt like I didn't have another choice.
Sometimes he drinks and is super happy and fun to be around, and sometimes we spend time at home and he just has a couple but I really can't remember a time where he didn't at least have one beer while we were hanging out, on the weekends more often then not he would drink between 20-60 beers between Friday night and Sunday but he could have just one or two and be fine.
At my request we are meeting up this week to talk and I really want to tell him how scared I am that he is going to hurt someone when he drinks and drives, how people take advantage of him when he drinks by letting him by their drinks, and how I think that drinking is preventing him from leading the life he wants. Part of me wants to ask him if we can work on things and another part of me can't believe I even want to talk to him after the way he treated me the last time I saw him. Is it possible he really doesn't remember what happened and didn't mean the things he said? Am I being unrealistic thinking maybe I can learn to deal with him and that if we got married and had kids he would settle down and cut back on the drinking and become a good husband and dad like his friends are? Also, how do I know if there is something about me that attracts guys like this? I know I don't deserve to be treated like that and it makes me so mad that I didn't realize this before I fell in love with him.
Any advice is greatly appreciated, I know this probably sounds like every other story out there but it's my life unfortunately.
We dated for about 8 months and there are three incidents that really stand out in my head where his drinking bothered me. During those incidents he drank to the point he blacked out and was pretty much verbally abusive towards me; telling me he could treat me like crap and I would take it and he didn't care about me and that we would never have a future. He drinks a lot but has only been mean to me those three times, usually he just gets affectionate or really happy. He drank to the point of blacking out fairly often, I would say at least 3 times over the past month he has woken up and said he didn't remember the night before but most of those times he was pretty calm.
This last time, when I left him, he drove himself to the bar (he was drunk when he drove to the bar) to drink alone instead of spending time with me when we had plans to hang out because we wouldn't see each other for a week due to conflicting work schedules. When I went to pick him up (not because he called for a ride but because I drove by and noticed his SUV there) he had no idea how he got there, what day/time it was, and why I was mad at him. I got really mad/hurt and broke something of his (which I regret because I rarely lose my temper and I replaced it the next day) and ended things that night because I felt like I didn't have another choice.
Sometimes he drinks and is super happy and fun to be around, and sometimes we spend time at home and he just has a couple but I really can't remember a time where he didn't at least have one beer while we were hanging out, on the weekends more often then not he would drink between 20-60 beers between Friday night and Sunday but he could have just one or two and be fine.
At my request we are meeting up this week to talk and I really want to tell him how scared I am that he is going to hurt someone when he drinks and drives, how people take advantage of him when he drinks by letting him by their drinks, and how I think that drinking is preventing him from leading the life he wants. Part of me wants to ask him if we can work on things and another part of me can't believe I even want to talk to him after the way he treated me the last time I saw him. Is it possible he really doesn't remember what happened and didn't mean the things he said? Am I being unrealistic thinking maybe I can learn to deal with him and that if we got married and had kids he would settle down and cut back on the drinking and become a good husband and dad like his friends are? Also, how do I know if there is something about me that attracts guys like this? I know I don't deserve to be treated like that and it makes me so mad that I didn't realize this before I fell in love with him.
Any advice is greatly appreciated, I know this probably sounds like every other story out there but it's my life unfortunately.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
IMHO, I think it is a really bad idea to meet and talk. You broke up with him for a reason, please reconsider, why do you want to cause yourself more grief???
I commend you for getting yourself out of a toxic situation, you lived the abuse. What has changed??? Absolutely nothing.
He is an adult man, he is responsible for his actions. He is responsible for his recovery. We are powerless over this disease. If love could fix it, none of us would be here.
Yes, I do believe your expectations are unrealistic. Call your friends make different plans, stay focused on your own life, keep remembering his words. "HE CAN TREAT YOU LIKE CRAP AND YOU WILL TAKE IT."
when somebody tells you something like that, BELIEVE THEM!!!!!
Keep posting, you are not alone. Sending positive thought your way.
I commend you for getting yourself out of a toxic situation, you lived the abuse. What has changed??? Absolutely nothing.
He is an adult man, he is responsible for his actions. He is responsible for his recovery. We are powerless over this disease. If love could fix it, none of us would be here.
Yes, I do believe your expectations are unrealistic. Call your friends make different plans, stay focused on your own life, keep remembering his words. "HE CAN TREAT YOU LIKE CRAP AND YOU WILL TAKE IT."
when somebody tells you something like that, BELIEVE THEM!!!!!
Keep posting, you are not alone. Sending positive thought your way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
It does sound so much like most of the stories here..which is the scary part. It does not reflect on you, simply the realities behind almost all the alcoholics. It is so counter intuitive to what "normal" persons think or do.
Please, don't beat yourself up for the conflicting thoughts of KNOWING that it is likely not going to work..ever...and also for the reality of feeling pain for "still being in love" with him. I opened the door to my xabf this weekend, for reasons I won't go into..and it ripped the bandaid off the wounds. I knew that going into it, the wounds were deeper than I expected, but in a backwards way, it does help me closer to the step of locking that door forever.
I am so sorry for your hurting.
Please, don't beat yourself up for the conflicting thoughts of KNOWING that it is likely not going to work..ever...and also for the reality of feeling pain for "still being in love" with him. I opened the door to my xabf this weekend, for reasons I won't go into..and it ripped the bandaid off the wounds. I knew that going into it, the wounds were deeper than I expected, but in a backwards way, it does help me closer to the step of locking that door forever.
I am so sorry for your hurting.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
Am I being unrealistic thinking maybe I can learn to deal with him and that if we got married and had kids he would settle down and cut back on the drinking and become a good husband and dad like his friends are?
Yes, you are being unrealistic. All you would gain by marrying him is more misery and you would be bringing innocent children into an extremely toxic situation. Go over to our ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) form and do a little reading. Growing up in an alcoholic home causes so much damage to young children. Anyone who knowingly brings a child into an alcoholic home shouldn't be allowed to have children at all.
Like Marie said...You broke up with him for a reason. In only 8 short months, you encountered 3 episodes of verbal and emotional abuse. That may not seem like many to you, but it is just a precursor of things to come if you continue in a relationship with him. Do yourself a favor and forget about meeting with him. He knows he's a danger to others when he drinks and drives. He doesn't care! He knows he drinks to blackout and doesn't remember what happens. He doesn't care!
Alcoholism is progressive and what you've seen so far is as good as it gets. It only gets worse the longer they drink. You have already taken the hardest step by breaking it off and getting away from him. Don't second-guess yourself. You were right to leave.
Yes, you are being unrealistic. All you would gain by marrying him is more misery and you would be bringing innocent children into an extremely toxic situation. Go over to our ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) form and do a little reading. Growing up in an alcoholic home causes so much damage to young children. Anyone who knowingly brings a child into an alcoholic home shouldn't be allowed to have children at all.
Like Marie said...You broke up with him for a reason. In only 8 short months, you encountered 3 episodes of verbal and emotional abuse. That may not seem like many to you, but it is just a precursor of things to come if you continue in a relationship with him. Do yourself a favor and forget about meeting with him. He knows he's a danger to others when he drinks and drives. He doesn't care! He knows he drinks to blackout and doesn't remember what happens. He doesn't care!
Alcoholism is progressive and what you've seen so far is as good as it gets. It only gets worse the longer they drink. You have already taken the hardest step by breaking it off and getting away from him. Don't second-guess yourself. You were right to leave.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Alcoholics and drug addicts have the natural ability to read others who are needy, vulnerable, lonely or bored.
Getting married to an alcoholic is one of the two worst mistakes one can make, the second is to have a child with an alcoholic/drug addict. There, to me, is nothing more irresponsible than to raise a child in a toxic/alcoholic home.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, there is no cure, he will have to fight this disease all his life, and his recovery is totally up to him, not you.
I would not meet him, I would go no contact, you will accomplish nothing by meeting with him.
Have you read Codependent No More? Have you been to Alanon meetings? If not, I would suggest that you do both.
I am sorry that you have gotten yourself into this mess, however, there is a easy way out, let him go and move on with your life.
Getting married to an alcoholic is one of the two worst mistakes one can make, the second is to have a child with an alcoholic/drug addict. There, to me, is nothing more irresponsible than to raise a child in a toxic/alcoholic home.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, there is no cure, he will have to fight this disease all his life, and his recovery is totally up to him, not you.
I would not meet him, I would go no contact, you will accomplish nothing by meeting with him.
Have you read Codependent No More? Have you been to Alanon meetings? If not, I would suggest that you do both.
I am sorry that you have gotten yourself into this mess, however, there is a easy way out, let him go and move on with your life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 25
Thanks to all of you for your quick replies, I know you are right and it helps to hear confirmation from people who have been through this. It is so easy to rationalize things in my head and I've called my mom and friends crying so that I don't call him, their reaction is disbelief because they can't believe anyone would say such hurtful things to someone they supposedly love.
Over the past week I have been doing a lot of reading on this website and other sites and I think I am probably avoiding years of misery and just have to get through a couple weeks of pain instead of living a lifetime of sadness.
Over the past week I have been doing a lot of reading on this website and other sites and I think I am probably avoiding years of misery and just have to get through a couple weeks of pain instead of living a lifetime of sadness.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Part of me wants to ask him if we can work on things and another part of me can't believe I even want to talk to him after the way he treated me the last time I saw him. Is it possible he really doesn't remember what happened and didn't mean the things he said? Am I being unrealistic thinking maybe I can learn to deal with him and that if we got married and had kids he would settle down and cut back on the drinking and become a good husband and dad like his friends are? Also, how do I know if there is something about me that attracts guys like this? I know I don't deserve to be treated like that and it makes me so mad that I didn't realize this before I fell in love with him.
WishingDreaming,
Oooooooh, there are so many things I want to say right now. I want you to just read over again what I highlighted above....
I understand having a bunch of conflicting and confusing emotions, and your post is full of feelings that go against each other at every turn. This is not the time to have a conversation about moving forward. You need to sort out YOU. Please do not be mistaken that HE is going to sort out YOU.
Let me ask, does it matter if he doesn't remember what he said to you? Does that change it for you? The only thing it does is give you a reason to overlook it and make excuses for him. What matters is that he DID say it, and he has said hurtful things more than once.
You said this man is in his mid 30's..... he is a full grown adult. With the emotional maturity of a child most likely. You are not looking to be someones mother, you are looking to be someone's EQUAL.
I understand that you care for this man, even love him, we have all loved someone like this, but you "saving" him by picking him up from a bar because you're driving around looking for him, is NOT helping him. This is allowing him to continue doing exactly what he is doing because you are there to pick up the pieces of him.
Oh my goodness, I see so much of me in your post, who I used to be, and I want to grab you and give you a plane ticket away from what you are wrapping yourself up in!
Marie said it best, when someone tells you something like that, BELIEVE THEM!
Your idea that he will change if you marry him is a FANTASY. You getting pregnant is NOT going to make him treat you better, you getting married is not going to make him treat you better... in fact he will most likely treat you WORSE, because after only 8 months, he already knows that he can act this way and you are there, telling him it's over, then asking him to come back. Driving around looking for him, getting upset (which you have every right to do!) and then feeling guilty because you are standing up for yourself, he knows,and he thrives off of this drama because it keeps him exactly where he wants to be..... at the bar.
You said I know I don't deserve to be treated like that and it makes me so mad that I didn't realize this before I fell in love with him.............
So you realized it NOW. Because you love him that makes it ok? I know that is not what you meant to say, but you have to read that and understand that is how it comes across.
I don't think you should focus on what about you attracts these kinds of men..... you should focus on why you want to justify staying in such a relationship. There are some very real fears driving you. And if you look at the history of your life you will usually find the answers somewhere in there.
This WILL GET WORSE. If HE does not choose to get HIMSELF help, it WILL. You cannot convince him, he will not do it for you, the way you describe him he will use this as a reason to be even more vile to you.
If he's in his 30's, most likely he's been drinking for quite a while. This is a progressive disease, the emotional and verbal abuse will get worse. It will tear you apart, if you take how you feel right now after only 8 months, imagine 8 years from now. Depression is almost a certainty.
I have been you, I excused an incredible amount of disrespect because I loved someone and I was so scared to lose him, and I thought if I just held on and proved how much I cared about him, he would see. I mean, he had is really kind sweet qualities too.... but I could no longer hold onto those, and I held on for another year until he disrespected me again. There comes a point when you will just not allow it anymore.
You cannot view this man through the rose colored glasses you have on. You cannot make excuses for him. Please look at the REALITY of what this situation is and what it will become.
So many here have lived the life that you think you are wanting to live right now, and they will be along to share their thoughts as well. Listen to them. There is a lot of information on this site about alcoholism, read it, it's great knowledge.
Just like you can't tell him what to do, we can't tell you what to do. You are going to do what you want ultimately. But go into it with eyes wide open.
If this seems harsh, i'm sorry, but like I said, I see me in your post, and looking at me 2 years ago I want to say to me WTH are you thinking!??? One disrespect and this fool is gone! But I didn't, and i'm here now hoping to make a difference for someone else.
Good luck and take care of YOU, not him.
WishingDreaming,
Oooooooh, there are so many things I want to say right now. I want you to just read over again what I highlighted above....
I understand having a bunch of conflicting and confusing emotions, and your post is full of feelings that go against each other at every turn. This is not the time to have a conversation about moving forward. You need to sort out YOU. Please do not be mistaken that HE is going to sort out YOU.
Let me ask, does it matter if he doesn't remember what he said to you? Does that change it for you? The only thing it does is give you a reason to overlook it and make excuses for him. What matters is that he DID say it, and he has said hurtful things more than once.
You said this man is in his mid 30's..... he is a full grown adult. With the emotional maturity of a child most likely. You are not looking to be someones mother, you are looking to be someone's EQUAL.
I understand that you care for this man, even love him, we have all loved someone like this, but you "saving" him by picking him up from a bar because you're driving around looking for him, is NOT helping him. This is allowing him to continue doing exactly what he is doing because you are there to pick up the pieces of him.
Oh my goodness, I see so much of me in your post, who I used to be, and I want to grab you and give you a plane ticket away from what you are wrapping yourself up in!
Marie said it best, when someone tells you something like that, BELIEVE THEM!
Your idea that he will change if you marry him is a FANTASY. You getting pregnant is NOT going to make him treat you better, you getting married is not going to make him treat you better... in fact he will most likely treat you WORSE, because after only 8 months, he already knows that he can act this way and you are there, telling him it's over, then asking him to come back. Driving around looking for him, getting upset (which you have every right to do!) and then feeling guilty because you are standing up for yourself, he knows,and he thrives off of this drama because it keeps him exactly where he wants to be..... at the bar.
You said I know I don't deserve to be treated like that and it makes me so mad that I didn't realize this before I fell in love with him.............
So you realized it NOW. Because you love him that makes it ok? I know that is not what you meant to say, but you have to read that and understand that is how it comes across.
I don't think you should focus on what about you attracts these kinds of men..... you should focus on why you want to justify staying in such a relationship. There are some very real fears driving you. And if you look at the history of your life you will usually find the answers somewhere in there.
This WILL GET WORSE. If HE does not choose to get HIMSELF help, it WILL. You cannot convince him, he will not do it for you, the way you describe him he will use this as a reason to be even more vile to you.
If he's in his 30's, most likely he's been drinking for quite a while. This is a progressive disease, the emotional and verbal abuse will get worse. It will tear you apart, if you take how you feel right now after only 8 months, imagine 8 years from now. Depression is almost a certainty.
I have been you, I excused an incredible amount of disrespect because I loved someone and I was so scared to lose him, and I thought if I just held on and proved how much I cared about him, he would see. I mean, he had is really kind sweet qualities too.... but I could no longer hold onto those, and I held on for another year until he disrespected me again. There comes a point when you will just not allow it anymore.
You cannot view this man through the rose colored glasses you have on. You cannot make excuses for him. Please look at the REALITY of what this situation is and what it will become.
So many here have lived the life that you think you are wanting to live right now, and they will be along to share their thoughts as well. Listen to them. There is a lot of information on this site about alcoholism, read it, it's great knowledge.
Just like you can't tell him what to do, we can't tell you what to do. You are going to do what you want ultimately. But go into it with eyes wide open.
If this seems harsh, i'm sorry, but like I said, I see me in your post, and looking at me 2 years ago I want to say to me WTH are you thinking!??? One disrespect and this fool is gone! But I didn't, and i'm here now hoping to make a difference for someone else.
Good luck and take care of YOU, not him.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
wishingdreaming
I went through the same, also almost in our 30s. Can you imagine a loving relationship where you get all the friendship and good moments WITHOUT ever going through this confusion, hurt feelings, being a victim of abuse? because it is emotional abuse, a different topic than alcoholism which is already a nightmare by itself.
I broke up with the XABF 3 years ago and mourning was the hardest thing I ever did. Recently I saw him from afar at work and learned he is going to the Beer Festival next weekend. He also drinks and drives and is PROUD of saying "I don't know how I got home!" as if it as a badge of honor. Very sad.
It will get better FOR YOU, I have gone to therapy and I have learned why I choose unavailable partners or destructive patterns. Right now I am practicing and learning to like and love and accept myself and enjoy my life. And about kids, I have learned about health issues in babies coming from alcoholics, enough details to be GRATEFUL I did not bring a human being to suffer and be constantly abandoned by her or his Dad.
Focus on what you picture for yourself and you'll realize this is not an ending but the beginning. I am now more serene, peaceful and I still feel attracted to the "bad guys" I just don't act on it, which is progress.
Hugs, keep reading and posting, there is much more to live. You deserve love and serenity just like any other woman. Emotional abuse, untreated addiction is just the start, physical abuse, death come later. This is a sad fact.
More hugs, you can do this... it gets better, it really does.
Tc999
PS I also tried to talk to the man many times, and wished I had heard others here. Everytime I went I felt more hurt. Although it did help me to realize what a selfish man I was dealing with and how my "friend" and "the good him" had disappeared. I mourned this person as if he had died. I recommend "the Grief club" by Melody Beatty, great book, full of compassion.. it is about dealing with loss and change.
I went through the same, also almost in our 30s. Can you imagine a loving relationship where you get all the friendship and good moments WITHOUT ever going through this confusion, hurt feelings, being a victim of abuse? because it is emotional abuse, a different topic than alcoholism which is already a nightmare by itself.
I broke up with the XABF 3 years ago and mourning was the hardest thing I ever did. Recently I saw him from afar at work and learned he is going to the Beer Festival next weekend. He also drinks and drives and is PROUD of saying "I don't know how I got home!" as if it as a badge of honor. Very sad.
It will get better FOR YOU, I have gone to therapy and I have learned why I choose unavailable partners or destructive patterns. Right now I am practicing and learning to like and love and accept myself and enjoy my life. And about kids, I have learned about health issues in babies coming from alcoholics, enough details to be GRATEFUL I did not bring a human being to suffer and be constantly abandoned by her or his Dad.
Focus on what you picture for yourself and you'll realize this is not an ending but the beginning. I am now more serene, peaceful and I still feel attracted to the "bad guys" I just don't act on it, which is progress.
Hugs, keep reading and posting, there is much more to live. You deserve love and serenity just like any other woman. Emotional abuse, untreated addiction is just the start, physical abuse, death come later. This is a sad fact.
More hugs, you can do this... it gets better, it really does.
Tc999
PS I also tried to talk to the man many times, and wished I had heard others here. Everytime I went I felt more hurt. Although it did help me to realize what a selfish man I was dealing with and how my "friend" and "the good him" had disappeared. I mourned this person as if he had died. I recommend "the Grief club" by Melody Beatty, great book, full of compassion.. it is about dealing with loss and change.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
The one thing that struck a chord for me was your question about whether he remembers treating you that way.
It does not matter what he remembers. You remember!! And if you finally forget and stay in it, oh, he will remind you. Again. and. Again.
You have dodged a bullet here.
There are good people out there to date. Have fun!! Treat yourself!
It does not matter what he remembers. You remember!! And if you finally forget and stay in it, oh, he will remind you. Again. and. Again.
You have dodged a bullet here.
There are good people out there to date. Have fun!! Treat yourself!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Just my experience.
I had very similar red flags waving before me after about 1 year of dating my exAH. I was not in a place to understand them.
We got married at just shy of two years of knowing each other, he was intoxicated at our wedding. Two weeks later the reality of his drinking hit me....and it only got worse as time went on.
I was in recovery so did not realize that someone has to WANT their own recovery to get it.
I bet it does not feel like it right now, but I wish I had thought harder about the red flags I saw before getting married.
I had very similar red flags waving before me after about 1 year of dating my exAH. I was not in a place to understand them.
We got married at just shy of two years of knowing each other, he was intoxicated at our wedding. Two weeks later the reality of his drinking hit me....and it only got worse as time went on.
I was in recovery so did not realize that someone has to WANT their own recovery to get it.
I bet it does not feel like it right now, but I wish I had thought harder about the red flags I saw before getting married.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Part of me wants to ask him if we can work on things and another part of me can't believe I even want to talk to him after the way he treated me the last time I saw him. Is it possible he really doesn't remember what happened and didn't mean the things he said?
When I got drunk and angry, all the feelings and emotions that I would not say while sober, came out when I was drunk.
Even things from years past.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
I tend to agree with KiKi as I let a few people know what I thought of them during my drinking days. While he likely meant what he said, they aren't necessarily truths about you. His thoughts are coming from a place deep within him where anger and self hate live. It is about him, not you. I say, cut him loose and don't look back. Find some people who like who they are. Best to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My personal experience was that marriage did not change him for the better. As Dolly said, it's a progressive disease, always getting worse, never better if left untreated.
I am very fortunate in that I did not have any children with EXAH, but I paid a high price for the 5 years of hell that I spent with him.
If love and/or marriage could cure alcoholism and addiction, there would be no use for places like this.
You have indeed dodged a bullet.
I am very fortunate in that I did not have any children with EXAH, but I paid a high price for the 5 years of hell that I spent with him.
If love and/or marriage could cure alcoholism and addiction, there would be no use for places like this.
You have indeed dodged a bullet.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Dear WishingDreaming,
I didn't marry an alcoholic, but boy did I date my share of abusive boys/men. My father was an alcoholic and I seemed to spend most of my early adult live recreating the relationship I had with him. I dated men who were verbally abusive and emotionally unavailable. I would always make excuses for the awful things they would do and say. I really truly believed that I could change them.
My life started getting better when I stopped thinking about why THEY acted a certain way and started wondering why I was putting up with this crap to begin with.
Keep coming back!
Thank you for posting your story and for letting me share mine.
db
I didn't marry an alcoholic, but boy did I date my share of abusive boys/men. My father was an alcoholic and I seemed to spend most of my early adult live recreating the relationship I had with him. I dated men who were verbally abusive and emotionally unavailable. I would always make excuses for the awful things they would do and say. I really truly believed that I could change them.
My life started getting better when I stopped thinking about why THEY acted a certain way and started wondering why I was putting up with this crap to begin with.
Keep coming back!
Thank you for posting your story and for letting me share mine.
db
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Am I being unrealistic thinking maybe I can learn to deal with him and that if we got married and had kids he would settle down and cut back on the drinking and become a good husband and dad like his friends are?
My husband's alcoholism progressed quickly halfway into our marriage, when the kids came along. It does not get better, it gets worse. You are young and have a lot ahead of you. Don't settle for this. Don't bring children into the world in what will undoubtedly become a toxic, failed marriage.
I am 42 and have four children, and I look back with a lot of regret that I settled for so long with someone who had a progressive and serious problem with alcohol. He did not start out that way; he is someone I love very much who was my best friend and partner for years.
Once it gets bad, it's really bad. It will gut you big time. Don't go there. Move on.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by wishingdreaming 
At my request we are meeting up this week to ......
Marriage and/or parenthood does not cure alcoholism or addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
I tried meeting up with my EXABF after we broke up. It didn't work-nothing changes but nothing changes. He was still drinking and blaming me for everything. It left me a lot sadder but wiser and firm in the belief that the only person I can control is me.
Since we met up, he is back trolling dating sites and FB for another girlfriend/enabler. He's found one - another long distance relationship and the only thing I can say to that is "he's all hers now....."
Since we met up, he is back trolling dating sites and FB for another girlfriend/enabler. He's found one - another long distance relationship and the only thing I can say to that is "he's all hers now....."
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 25
I ordered a couple books on codependency and am going to make plans with friends instead of meeting up with him. I read a lot of posts online about being married to an alcoholic and growing up with an alcoholic parent and I realized in all likelihood that would be my life and I don't want to raise kids in a home with an alcoholic parent. As much as I want to believe he would stop drinking once he settled down, I think that is just wishful thinking.
If we've only been together 7 months and he's acting like this, I can't imagine that it will get better. I wanted to be the one that helped him change his life and become the man that I think he is, but I think maybe a realistic goal is for me to change my life by ending things and accepting that he isn't going to change and I can only change myself.
Thanks for all the advice and all of your stories; it helps to hear from people who have been through this.
If we've only been together 7 months and he's acting like this, I can't imagine that it will get better. I wanted to be the one that helped him change his life and become the man that I think he is, but I think maybe a realistic goal is for me to change my life by ending things and accepting that he isn't going to change and I can only change myself.
Thanks for all the advice and all of your stories; it helps to hear from people who have been through this.
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