Stlsunny12

My DH is an alcoholic. He cannot just have one drink. When he starts he cannot stop. He has admitted that he has a problem and needs help but he never acts on it. Things go good and things go bad. Right now things are bad. Example he is wasted at a bar now after he said he would be home hours ago.
I get so pissed off that I fly off the handle.
I need to learn how to get control over myself and mind when he starts drinking. We have tried counselors in the past and always stop going.
He loves to drink and thinks that he can only have a good time if he's wasted.
This is putting a huge strain on our marriage and causing me to lose friends because of his immature behavior. We are both in our 30's but he acts like he is 21.
Please help!
I read Codependent no more and did not gain anything.

marie1960

I have found that reacting verbally, "flying off the handle" is like pouring gasoline on a out of control fire.

You did not cause this, you cannot control it , and you can't cure it.

Alcoholics, Lie, deny, manipulate, this is how they roll. There isn't a damn thing you can do to help him, let me guess he doesn't even have a problem, this is everybody else' problem.

My question is; what can we do to help you? I am concerned for you and your well being.

We are here, you are not alone, Keep posting, reading the stickies at the beginning of the forum, the wealth of information, and real life testimonials have been a real eye opener for me.

Understanding this disease is what allowed me to go forward with my life.

dollydo

Welcome, sorry that you are having to deal with this disease. Unless treated, it will continue to get worse, it is a progressive disease that has no cure.

Have you considered going to Alanon meetings? Meeting did help me.

Read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and Family & Friends of Addicts, lots of great information there.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

trapeze

There's nothing you can do about his behavior. You cannot love him enough to make him stop. It all has to come from within him.

The question is whether you have the life you want. You might ask yourself how much time each day do you spend thinking about you, and how much of the day do you spend thinking about him? What are you doing for yourself?

I found Melody Beatties "New Codependency" meant more to me than her original book (the one your read). I also found that when I went back and read it a year later, I got even more out of it.

Good luck. Keep coming here.

Stlsunny12

What do I do or how should I act after a night of him being disrespectful and drinking?
When I ask him to not come home and he comes home wasted what should I do?
How do I focus on myself when he drives me insane? He reverts back to childlike behavior when he is drunk. Name calling, blaming and just not understanding why I'm mad or upset.
I'm scared to attend an alanon meeting alone but don't have anyone to turn to go with me for the first time.

wellnowwhat

I know it seems scary, but don't be afraid to go to Alanon alone. Of all the groups or classes I've ever joined, I've never felt a honest, warm welcome like I felt when I went to Alanon that first night years ago. I still get it every time I go to a different group I've never been to before.

The people there know how hard it is for you to live your life, and to come to that first meeting. They've all been there and there is a genuine desire to help you find some serenity and to share the gift of the Alanon program.

Each group has little different feel, and it is suggested try at least 6 meetings, at a couple of different groups, before you decide if it is for you.

Don't worry about having to say anything, or share, etc. You are most welcome to just come and listen, even week after week. We all remember our early days.

Wishing you the best.

MTSlideAddict

Hello and welcome to SR.

It is a big step in the right direction to make the decision that you want to attend Al-Anon. Getting through the door for your first meeting is the toughest; the anxiety level is so high, and the unknowns just swirl around and around in your mind. When our loved ones are in the throes of active alcoholism we as the loving family become effected in many ways by the alcoholism’s destruction. Many of us cannot even remember how we had gotten to where we were/are. Some of us endure the pain or have endured the pain longer than others, but one thing we all have in common on these forums is that we have all decided to make the step toward a happier life without the effects of active addictions. Good for you for becoming a part of the SR family, and you should be proud of your choice to go to Al-Anon.

Taking someone with you can help ease the anxiety level a bit on your first visit. Telling him is not necessary in less you feel that he should know. If you do choose to let him know that you will be going to Al-Anon don’t let him try to talk you out of it. Al-Anon is for you, and is designed to help those that have been effected by someone else’s drinking. According to your post, his drinking has been effecting you. His knowledge of your intent to attend Al-Anon will not change that fact.

Keep posting here.

Sad12

It sounds like you are hurting you as much as he is hurting you. I'm new here, so you can take this with a grain of salt. But don't 'act' anything. Any way you are acting is for him. You yell so he will know you're angry, you cry so he will know he's hurt you, etc. From what I've been able to gather, all of these things are only going to be painful to you, not to him.

He knows how you feel. It's not affecting him now, and it won't in the future. Just go about your life. Or leave, if you decide that you can't accept this in your life.

I don't think there's anything you can do if he comes home wasted after you've told him not to. Unless he's abusive, in which case you can call the police. Or you can go somewhere else. (I'm not saying you should have to, but you can't make somebody else do anything, you can only make yourself do something).

But please, don't hurt yourself. You can't control it if he hurts you, but if you can learn not to hurt yourself in retaliation, that's half the battle.

MTSlideAddict

Apparently I posted my above response to the wrong thread. It was intended for another thread of yours, so I copied that and posted it to where it was needing to go. ...I guess I shouldn't multi-task as much. (I’m an Phone Operator, so it I am on here during work I have constant thought interruption.)


Anyway, if he comes home after he is wasted you have three choices the way I see it. You can engage in his tormenting arguments and blaming scenarios, which makes you miserable. You can remove yourself into a different room or area of the home in hopes of him not interacting with you; this has worked for me in the past. The third option would be to leave the home, at least until the tirade is over. I have utilized the third option from time to time myself. It is not right in, my mind, that our alcoholic husbands can get completely wasted, cause havoc, and become verbally abusive, but yet still get full range of our comfortable homes. Sometimes as maddening as it may be the only option, because legally if he is on the mortgage or lease he has full right to the home no matter his state of mind.

In another posting you had mentioned going to an Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon will help you with detachment and boundary settings. Also, if you pick up the book "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself” by Melody Beattie there is some good information on how to detach and to start taking care of yourself.

blwninthewind

Then try reading it again...and again...and again.
I read it once...but go back to it over and over when I'm finding i'm reacting to his bad behaviors.

He doesn't WANT to quit drinking.
You can't make him want to.

I would advise finding a local Al-Anon meeting.
It has opened doors for me that I never thought possible.

Good luck to you...and keep coming back.

painterman

It's true what everyone is saying, the minute you really detach from his problem things will begin to change. I always felt my partner was trying to get a reaction from me when she was drinking, and exactly that childish attitude. But when I removed myself from the scene it was like she was firing blanks!
Best of luck!

WritingFromLife

I agree with the advice about CODPEPENDENT NO MORE-- I didn't see myself until I read THE NEW CODEPENDENCY--came out in 2009 so it's much more up to date. I went back and read CNM again after that and it was like a light bulb had come on.

mattmathews

Not everyone in a relationship with an alcoholic is codependent. I'm not, or don't think I am. I didn't grow up in an alcoholic family...and frankly the alcoholic in my life is far more codependent than I am. Not saying I don't have my own issues!
My only "advice" is the observation from my own life that it gets worse. Your alcoholic isn't going to quit drinking until he's ready to, and for a lot of guys that's after they've damaged their children, lost their spouse, lost their job, gotten in a financial hole and gotten in trouble with the law. If I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't wait so long to get help...for myself. Because you're eventually going to figure out that you can't fix him, and in the meantime you're the one that's going crazy!
Like other people here, I recommend Al-anon. It worked for me. It may not be the right place for you, now, but it's a place to start where people truly understand what you're going through. For me, it was the first time I felt like I could safely talk about the things that were going on in my life. And it was so empowering to see the heads nodding when I finally did find the courage to share. I also felt that it was liberating to let go of my secrets and shame...once I got them out in the open they completely lost their power over me. Best of all, no one will ask you to share, or expect you to share until you're ready. Al-Anon is a gentle program.
I wish you only the best...and keep coming back.

Stlsunny12

I attended my first Alanon meeting yesterday. It was a very small group of 10 other older women, all very welcoming. I was asked to speak but I refrained. it was very powerful though knowing I am not alone since none of my friends understand what I'm going thru.
I plan on looking for that book also.
On a side note: me and DH went to a friends last night to watch the baseball game. I was on edge all night because I was so worried he was sneaking drinks. He promised me that all he was drinking was his soda. I felt bad that I attacked him and accused him of something he was not even doing.

skippernlilg

[QUOTE=Stlsunny12;3123429]I attended my first Alanon meeting yesterday. It was a very small group of 10 other older women, all very welcoming. I was asked to speak but I refrained. it was very powerful though knowing I am not alone since none of my friends understand what I'm going thru.
I plan on looking for that book also.
On a side note: me and DH went to a friends last night to watch the baseball game. I was on edge all night because I was so worried he was sneaking drinks. He promised me that all he was drinking was his soda. I felt bad that I attacked him and accused him of something he was not even doing.[/QUOTEo

Last New Year's Eve, (R)ABF and I took my son to a get-together at a family member's house. (R)ABF had soda all night long.

Or so I thought.

I never questioned him or even had a conversation about it. It wasn't until this summer that he confessed he was drinking the whole time. I calmly asked him if he thought driving all of us home like that was the best choice, and he admitted this summer that no, it was not. Back then, I would've been cringing and crying. This summer, I was thanking all that is God for keeping us safe.

There was no way we could've had that conversation last winter.

Please continue going to your Al-anon meetings. If you feel that this particular one does not fit right for you, there may be others you like even better. I know it took me at least 3 tries to find the one I like.

Stlsunny12

Thank you

blwninthewind

I respectfully disagree.

If you are here at this forum and your life has become unmanagable because of alcohol then you are indeed a codie...just like the rest of us.

It's only when we learn how to detach and not react it becomes part of the healing process...and we are no longer enabling or codies to our qualifers.

sure, we still have issues too...but they are a heck of a lot more managable when we recognize what we are doing.