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I'm tired of being angry all the time.

Old 09-30-2011, 09:36 PM
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I'm tired of being angry all the time.

On the plus side, I went to Alanon tonight, asked for a sponsor and will be calling her next week to set up a time to meet and discuss. Which I think is right where I need to be b/c I have lost any semblance of serenity I started to develop in these past 2 weeks.

My life has gone off the rails and I'm angry and fly off the handle very easily. Tonight I blew up at my mom b/c she did one of her alcoholic back pedals after agreeing to help me out. She had strangely been agreeable to go pick up the veggie box at the food coop when I double booked myself for tomorrow morning- tonight I drew out a little map for her... she yelled at me and said she can't read maps. OK, I'll write out the directions... nope... she wanted me to drive her on a "dry run". I worked 12 hours yesterday and (shame on me) went to my meeting tonight. I've been dealing with my son's school issues and haven't had time to do this. She didn't mention the dry run until 9pm tonight. I'm apparently supposed to know what she wants and manage her life as well as mine and my son's.

Tonight's topic was traditions.. specifically tradition 7 (self sufficiency). It occurred to me that I'm mad at myself for having to rely on someone so unreliable. I simply can't be in 2 places at once. I suppose I could be 2 hours late to the cub scout event in order to pick up the stuff, but that's not really fair to my son. If I had not relied on her in the first place I would've figured this out.. but b/c she pulled out at the last moment, I'm in a stressful situation with fewer options. there is no one i can call at this hour to let know we'll be late.

What doesn't help is that lately I've had a lot of offers of support that are rescinded, don't turn out like promised or have become unavailable. I'd rather have no offers of help; this feels like a person offering a chair, then pulling it away as I go to sit in it.

The fact is I fell for this hook line and sinker and I really can't be angry at anyone but me for having an expectation that an alcoholic is going to act in anyone's best interest but her own.

I am just so tired of being MAD all the time. Old symptoms that had gone away are back and I don't feel good. I would like to get back to feeling some sort of peace but I don't know how
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Old 10-01-2011, 04:10 AM
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Been there, done that.

As I was dealing with my AH I experienced a huge amount of anger. When it started seeping into other parts of my life - and I was taking it out on other people - I realized that I had a problem. I needed to start dealing with my anger.

Ok, knowing this is the easy part. Dealing with it was difficult. For me, I realized I was angry when reality and my expectations didn't match up. There comes a time when I had to quit expecting my AH (and RAH) to act like the person I wanted him to be. I realized that I was looking for my AH to validate me by taking my feelings into consideration. When he didn't, I was offended and angry, and walked around with an open wound. That meant the smallest slight by someone else set me off. My reaction was disproportionate.

As I began to accept that I might not be treated as I want to be, and that this was not a reflection on my worth, the anger was replaced by sadness. There were days when I missed the anger because it created energy, whereas the sadness took energy from me. But for me it has all been the process of becoming better grounded in reality. I had to experience a sense of loss to move on emotionally.

I also found that I needed to forgive my RAH. This has been difficult, and I'm working on it. I have started a list of everything which has made me angry. I am working to release this anger - for me, not for him. I need to get past it and have a more positive life. I am getting there but it does not happen overnight.

Good luck.
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Old 10-01-2011, 06:12 AM
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Originally Posted by NotSoSmart View Post
I would like to get back to feeling some sort of peace but I don't know how
What has worked for me is: Forgiveness

Forgiving myself, first.
Forgiving myself for having expectations of another adult.

Next, being gentle with myself as I learn this lesson, again......

Final step, forgive the other person for not being what I needed them to be.

((hugs))

You are doing well, and your recovery is showing. You are aware of the circumstances that brought this reaction out in yourself. Congrats! That is the awareness. Now you can move through acceptance and take action on how to react in the future.

You are doing great!
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Old 10-01-2011, 09:40 AM
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And I'd like to add empathy.

Go over to the alcoholism forum and read those posts. Read books like "under the Influence" and biographies written by recovering alcoholics.

Go to some open AA meetings. Talk with other alcoholics.

And use your anger toward something productive. This month - I moved hundreds of pounds of rock from the front yard to the back. The previous owner thought it would be a great idea to have a rock yard. Ok, maybe if we were in Phoenix, but in Alaska, we have weeds! SO I gout out my shovel and wheelbarrow and moved that rock. And when I say hundreds of pounds, I am not kidding. I might even be downplaying that a bit. Took me all month, chipping away a little at a time, but anytime I'd get fuming mad I'd go out there and work. By the time I was done for the day, I was too darn sore and tired to be mad anymore!
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Old 10-01-2011, 12:25 PM
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I feel bad sometimes, guilty because I have not reached the level of acceptance that others here seem to have found.
Then... I forgive ME. I know I am heading in the right direction.
Anger is a NORMAL reaction to being mistreated, or persons who lie to you. So my feelings are normal...I just have to work on getting past that.
I need to pick back up on my genealogy research...it always grabs my mind in a solid direction.
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Old 10-01-2011, 07:51 PM
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Sometimes it helps me when I reframe my emotions.

Angry makes me busy, and it helps me to get things done. That might be from cleaning to yard work or more importantly to have the focus and determination to work on something challenging in my heart or head. I lose my sense of fear when I am angry and when I channel it appropriate it helps me.

When I am able to reframe my emotion it allows me to be more accepting of it. It also allows me to not spend so much time and engery focusing on why I am bad for having it, but be more accepting that it is an emotion it won't last and it is there for a reason.
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Old 10-01-2011, 08:31 PM
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My fuse used to be this short when I was dealing with my actively using AGF. My mother's antics didn't phase me as much b/c I honestly wasn't that focused on her; I had my hands full. Now that my A is in rehab/recovery and i'm in my program, I notice more and have less tolerance for her BS behavior. I am a person who has always had to get things done; my ex left when my boy was barely 3 and I've had to figure it out on my own. However, I have little tolerance for people that come apart at the seams over what I consider small stuff (who can't find their way down the street... really). I've never had anyone backing me up or taking my slack, so I lose patience with my mom who is a very dependent and needy person who likes others to figure things out for her. We've had a longstanding conflictual relationship that really only goes well if I don't confront her on anything, set any personal boundaries or hold her accountable. Pre-Alanon that was me to a T... now not so much.

I'm trying to get my irritability in check and its gotten a little easier today b/c I'm through most of the "to do" list that has been overwhelming me lately. I had time to sit and veg and watch a movie.

TuffGirl that is so funny about your rocks... I DO live in Phoenix, and bought a home with someone I thought must've been a rock hoarder. We don't need it here either! There has to be at least 4 tons of river rock in my yard and even if I could move it, I have no idea where to send it. No one needs that much rock. I've tried giving it away on the internet but that hasn't made a dent. I'm comforted for some reason that someone else also has an abundance of rock.
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Old 10-02-2011, 10:13 AM
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Notsosmart - LMAO! Tons is the right word - lucky for me it is a small section of yard, so I would imagine just about a ton of river rock. I bet 15 years ago it looked nice. Now Mother Nature is taking over and it just looks like crap. I, too, put an ad on Craigslist and got no responses. Why wants to come haul tons of river rock? Apparently landscaping folks do because I see it used elsewhere. I basically split the yard in half, fenced in the back half, and moved the rock from the front half to the back. Now there is too much in the back, so I plan to stealthily move it into the greenbelt section right behind my house...a little at a time...!

Impatience was at the top of my "character defects" list. Like you, I get really impatient (ie irritated and annoyed) with people who don't take personal responsibility and own and fix their own sh!t and figure things out like I do. As a long time single Mom, I am rarely needy, and with Google I can take care of pretty much anything that pops up in a given day! But that doesn't mean everyone is just like me. As a matter of fact, the more I look around, the more I realize my almost extreme independence can be detrimental and negative at times. I am working on it, and it is one day at a time on that!

I read a great book a while back, "From Anger to Forgiveness" by Earnie Larsen. I highly recommend it...helped a lot. I actually pulled it out just last night to read again today.
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