Reality Check

Old 09-30-2011, 05:38 PM
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Reality Check

My self esteem and reality is suffering at the moment because the A in my life is having a run of good luck and people are supporting her . . . some of the people are other A's, some are oblivious to her problem, and some are in denial . . .but the bizarre part is that she looks good and healthy and I look bad and negative.

I pointed out something that someone was doing that was waaaaayyy over the top . . .and she said it was uncanny how I always zero in on the "bad." Never mind that she is dating this person . . .

The other problem I have right now is my jealously over the fact that her karma does not seem to get her . . . nothing bad happens to her as a result of her actions (seemingly) . . .I know in the long term this will probably not be true, but I am just dealing with my own infantile, jealous feelings that her life looks so easy and there don't seem to be any consequences for the horrible things she has done to people.

She just got a new job and people are congratulating her, saying they should go out for drinks and it is all because of her "positive attitude." Never mind that she doesn't pay some of her bills and doesn't buy groceries for her college age kid . . .I see my resentment, don't think I don't . . .I am processing, I hope that is okay.

I know my solution is forgiveness for all of the horrible things she has done to me and I do go there but today I am having a bout of jealousy and "it's not fair." On one hand, i don't want her to suffer, but on the other hand, I wonder why my karma is so tight (I get my come-uppances right away) and she seems to get away with murder.

Thank you for listening to my rant!!!
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Old 09-30-2011, 06:01 PM
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Seek, Oh ...my ...goodness.... I could have written your post myself, changing the word "her" to "him".

I wish I could explain it! My karma has no problem catching up with me, and rather quickly, and I always know. Though it does keep me in check

My XA used me, lied to me, manipulated, disrespected, abandoned, and seemed to treat everyone in his life nicer than he treated me.... I mean he REALLY hurt me. So where is he now...?
Oh, why he's off studying abroad for his MASTERS degree, touring Europe and last I knew he was meeting a befriending absolutely stunning European girls, he looked great and he is LIVING IT UP. I was in tears feeling such hurt, and yep, that's what he's been up to. I mean really?? He gets to treat people however and still come out smelling like roses to everyone else and this great guy?.....pfft! He's 35 and his mom even took him on a nice clothing shopping spree before he headed off, so he looks super GQ and is breaking out that charm.

Yes, it has moments of really getting to me when I think about it.

But I try to keep everything REAL. Yes, he is having a great time no doubt, it's new exciting, and he can be whoever he wants there, but his demons will catch up with hiim. Lying and manipulating is just who he is. Getting wasted to deal with life, is just what he does. How long does that party last?
How many times did I listen to him talk about himself for hours on the phone until he was wasted on wine, or sitting in his apt smoking pot daily, or yacking in the background because he was stupid and did coke one night, or getting texts about how great he felt to be on shrooms...... omg really? And I think he's in Europe clean as a whistle treating girls respectfully (and being sincere about it) focused on his studies? He has done NOTHING to address his issues.... all I heard were excuses.

So what's the REALITY of your A and her "good luck".....? How long do you think it will last?
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Old 09-30-2011, 06:53 PM
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Hang in there Seek,

I think you are coming to terms with alot of issues that you were probably holding inside. It's good to get it all out.
Keep posting, you are not alone....

Sending good thoughts your way.
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Old 09-30-2011, 07:21 PM
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Thank you both for your responses. It really helps to read about the stories of other people and not feel so completely alone. The A in my life is living it up, everything is "coming up roses," I am "the negative one," who always seems to focus "on the bad." I wish I could write what I just discovered, but it is too raw for me to even want to put in writing . . .

For me, this brings up issues of fairness and karma and feelings of envy and resentment. It also causes me to question myself and my self-esteem suffers because there are so many A's and people in denial supporting her . . .it's like most of the world is supporting her . . . she "looks good on the outside" and people just want to see the surface, apparently.

If you bring up any kind of reality, then you are negative and putting a damper on everything and are just generally a big bummer . . . and there is power in numbers and she has the numbers . . . God, I hate how envious I sound. But I have a lot of feelings around this.

It does make me question "reality." I wonder if I am crazy to think that maybe I am just a complete stick-in-the-mud, someone who puts a damper on everything and spoils everyone's fun . . .

It also makes me wonder about the world and the family I incarnated into . . . why would I pick this bunch of people? What am I supposed to learn from this? I guess to stand on my own, alone. It is a very lonely path. They say the "Road Less Traveled" is by definition lonely.

I could go to Alanon and get support, but I resist . . . I spent six years in Alanon and do not wish to be defined by other people's problems . . .I don't want to "waste time" thinking about this person and their poor decisions and their drama. I want to be free of that . . . I have been focusing on myself and this is a little set-back, I hope.

I did take care of business today, took care of myself, bought some flowers and planted a garden, etc. If I had a "best friend" to talk to, I would have loved to have gotten some emotional support, but there is no one in my life who can hear this type of stuff and that makes me feel more alone - not just feel - I am alone with this, period. And that sucks.

But you people do understand and provide the emotional and spiritual support I need and give me a space to process this . . . I am the kind of person who will always need to vent. I can't just accept and process stuff right away . . .I need to vent my anger, disappointment, and other negative feelings or I will explode.
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Old 09-30-2011, 07:50 PM
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Seek, 25 years ago I started a company. People said I was too young, I would fail. I had alot of unreputable competition. I spent alot of my energy worrying about how their negative business practice would affect me. It was a complete waste of my time to try and second guess somebody else.

I had to learn quick that if I wanted to succeed there would be no room or time for me to take inventory on what these shady characters were doing.

I had an internal code of ethics, and a guardian angel who never left my side. I knew I would not get rich, but believed that I could support myself comfortably.

It's only competition if they are doing everything right. With time they went out of business, 25 years later I still hang my shingle..........

If you spend your life waiting for somebody to get "theirs', (or karma ) you are missing out on your own life.

The disease of alcoholism truly kidnaps our loved ones. No ransom note will be sent. I am sorry for your pain, and I understand your anger.

We are powerless over this disease. Today is a good day to concentrate on YOU. You and your future. As they say around here, you can let go or be dragged...........

P.S. You bought flowers and are planting a garden, I am green with envy, it truly is cold enough to snow here today!!!!!!!!
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Old 09-30-2011, 08:33 PM
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P.s.s. Seek a friend just sent me this and I thought it was worth sharing.

How people treat you is their karma,
How you react is yours...
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Old 09-30-2011, 09:22 PM
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Thank you . . .I know it is not useful to dwell on anyone else and what they are doing or not doing . . . it is just part of my process . . . I tend to have strong initial reactions, need to vent and process and then hopefully return to some serenity.

It is difficult. I am not going to lie. I care about the person and I also have theories in my head about "how things are supposed to be." And the karma thing is a personal belief, so when I have to face the fact that I have no idea what is happening, that is also challenging and creates a disorientation where it feels like I have no idea what is going on . . .

When all of the people who surround her are applauding her . . .it creates a situation of unreality for me and makes me question my sanity. I can't be the first person to have experienced that.

There is also another person involved that I am close to and concerned about that keeps me more involved in the A's life than I would be otherwise. It's complicated. Families are complicated. It is not black and white, good or bad . . .it is so much more complicated than that.

But getting back to the garden . . .yes, it was wonderful creating it. Maybe I will post a picture tomorrow if I can figure out how to do that on this site. That takes me out of my head.

I still do have (and probably always will have) the unfairness thing - why should she or other people who are acting out have so much support and I have none in real life . . .I guess if I started hanging out at a bar I could make a lot of friends . . . that is what I mean about how bitter I can get about the "unfairness" of it all . . .

On the other hand, I believe in angels and guides and I feel I have had a lot of spiritual support. I also have animals and that helps.

This path is not an easy path.

Thanks again for your comments. I learn a lot from every post and appreciate the people who reach out.
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Old 09-30-2011, 09:23 PM
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And I do know that "What you think of me is none of my business," yet I still get caught up in caring what others think. I think that is human nature - survival of the fittest or something . . .
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Old 09-30-2011, 09:28 PM
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Thanks for this post, the karma quote just made my fridge's bulletin board.

I am struggling with this today also. I just found out that my exAH is getting married again tomorrow (we have been separated a little over a year and divorced less than 10 months).

I have been working hard on my own healing. I am no where near ready for new friendships, never mind a relationship. It gets hard sometimes to not feel like the victim or the broken one. I am struggling remembering how I felt about this time in my relationship with my loved one who struggles with alcohol, and am missing both of us, and what could have been.

Luckily I have a lot of good in my life too, when I remember that and focus on it the rest goes a lot easier.

I am so grateful to those that post and share here.
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Old 09-30-2011, 09:38 PM
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It's that unexpected news that creates such a shock . . .you sound like you have a great attitude and that is more than half the battle.
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