Are the kids safe?
 

My AH wife just got out of 11 days of in patient treatment. She was driving in the car with our 2 youngest and was in a minor accident. I find out she was not drinking, but taking benzos. This led to a hospital stay where she was tested for everything from MS to brain problems. After cat scans, mri's, the tox report came back and she almost admitted it...

Anyway, she's out, and clean, she says. Forever clean, only time will tell. I have my doubts. My question is, are my kids safe? Should I let her drive the kids? Should I leave the younger kids home alone with her when the older ones have events? If not now, how long do you wait before you allow her to have that kind of responsibility? How do you say even though you are clean now and trying to stay that way, maybe, you are unfit?

Who watches the kids when I go to a meeting? She does now. We cant afford much more child care, thats already $1300/mo. Her parents are as bad or worse. My dad is not local. My mom works, has a mom in nursing home. She does a lot, but is only 1 woman.

Any input welcome.

Thanks,

Doesn't sound to me like the kids are safe in her care.

No, your kids are not safe in her care.

She drove your 2 youngest children around while she was high on benzos 11 days after getting out of treatment. What does your best judgement about her ability to take care of the kids right now tell you? Just think about it. What does your head say?

I'd be careful about letting her drive anything that was on my insurance even if the kids weren't in the car. Period. Too risky.

She's not clean. She was just busted using benzos.

No, benzos was before treatment. That led to inpatient. She says and appears clean now

FWIW, 11 days of "treatment" sounds more like detox to me.

Would you be asking this question if you believed the kids were safe?
How many times has she said she's going to stay sober for good?
Do you believe her?

What's going to change?

11 days sober is a mere drop in the bucket. Is she going to meetings? Detox is only a baby step..I wouldn't allow the children to ride with her until I was really sure that she was in recovery and sober for at least 6 months.

21 days since rear ending a car at a light, she did 11 days inpatient after, and she has been out 5 days

My mother was sober for about 5 years before I quit smelling her drinks.
I didn't trust her.

Intensive outpatient therapy 3 hours/day, 3 days per week, plus AA meeting 6 days/week

I'm shocked she even has a drivers license right now. Were the police involved?

Do what you think is best for your kids. You have to stand up for them. Their little lives really do depend on you.

Maybe you should talk to your own therapist if you are struggling with this issue about allowing your children to be in a car with her behind the wheel as it seems pretty clear cut to me. No is a complete sentence. There doesn't need to be an explanation behind it. It should be obvious why.

The outpatent therapy and AA meetings are great. Does she have a sponsor to contact and work the steps with? These are all actions that will, in time, allow you to decide if you can trust her or not. She's only been home for a few days so there's no way to know if she is going to be consistent with this. In the meantime, your children's safety is the most important thing. Quitting benzos is not easy and there is always a chance that she'll relapse, but you might not know it for a while. Addicts are very good at hiding these things. After all, you didn't know she was taking them in the first place, right?

I hope you will realize the seriousness of this situation. It was pure luck that none of the kids were hurt the first time she had a wreck. I wouldn't be willing to allow my children in the car with her for a long, long time, and then, only if she actively maintains her recovery with no slip-ups.

I didn't let my RAH drive my kids anywhere for a few months.

I made it clear until he proved to me he could be trusted, could use good judgement...that was just how it was going to be.

I won't tell you what to do...but think what could happen if your wrong?
There are many things that could be forgiven but killing your children probably isn't one of them.

Would you be asking this question if you believed the kids were safe?
How many times has she said she's going to stay sober for good?
Do you believe her?

Really, I did not even think the kids were in danger until a reply to another post...It just seems surreal that the woman I thought I knew for 22 years put me in a situation to even ask the question. She was always the responsible one...I was the F-up. Or so the story went...Really, this is the first time she has said she will stay sober for good. She would hide behind the "one day at a time" slogan before. It has been 20+ days since any use. I am confident saying that. Always before I would be checking eyes, breath, speach patterns, sleep patterns, and I could tell. Even if I was in denial, I could tell.

In a lot of the more judgemental posts, I feel a lot of hurt. I am sorry whatever happened. But I really believe if you expect the best from people, you will get the best. I have been burned before, so thanks for the input. Maybe I will ask her to start taking random drug/alcohol tests if she is driving the kids.

And no problem with police. No way to tell she was on pills at the time. It wasnt her drug of choice. She is an alcoholic. How long the pills went on...She went to the hospital 5 days later. And not to minimize the accident, but they were stopped at a red light. Light turned green, she started going, car in front did not. SUV in front barely had its bumper damaged. I picked kids up from the scene and saw both cars, drivers, police, and damage.

I think I like the drug test...Seems reasonable?

If she "says" she's clean and that's what you're basing your feelings on regarding your kids safety, I have to say that I think that's risky.

Addicts SAY a lot of things. And they LOVE to make us the bad guys when we finally wise up and realize that it's ACTIONS not words that count.

If it were me I wouldn't risk putting my kids in the car with her (even if she can temporarily prove she's clean-- what's stopping her from swallowing pills while driving...)

I'd be worried.

Someone told me once alcoholics are the best liars because they have to be.

Once I digested that life became clearer and easier.