Fight or Run?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Like others, by the time things got to a lawyer - I was ready to be done and gone. I could have fought for some things also - my lawyer asked what I wanted and we did a cost benefit analysis - I decided that I didn't want to delay things any longer and risk more (problems/money/time etc). In thinking about what was best for me - the right thing wasn't going to happen - so the next best thing for me was protecting my interests as best I could and as quickly as I could.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
It sounds like just talking it out here has helped you decide what to do. That's always good. From the outside looking in, I want to say get what your entitled to. But, when I was in the middle of it, I chose to just cut my losses, so I know how that feels. I do get twinges of resentment every once in a while because he got a good job after the divorce and now has a nicer lifestyle than me, financially. And it ticks me off that I took care of so much, in the money department, for so many years. But, then I remind myself that it was my choice and I have a lot more important things in my life.
Whatever you do, it'll work out in the end.
L
Whatever you do, it'll work out in the end.
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I just want to find that balance between holding firm and folding to protect my own sanity.
It's not an easy place to get to.
*SIGH*
Thanks all! I really appreciate bouncing ideas off of everyone here!
It's not an easy place to get to.
*SIGH*
Thanks all! I really appreciate bouncing ideas off of everyone here!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I have a ton of credit card debt because I was constantly bailing XABF out of his unhealthy spending practices. He also decided where he wanted to spend the bonuses I received at work, including some rather large ones, and these choices were not what I would have chosen. I did the math once, and if I hadn't met XABF, and instead had just not spent that money, I'd have $0 in credit card debt and $80k in the bank. When we met my entire debt consisted of $300 I hadn't yet paid off on the very-high-end laptop I had just purchased.
I never married him, and although I'm sure there are some things I could do to try and get that money back, I decided I'd rather have a clean break and be done with it. He'd never be able to pay me back anyway, and the more I would try to get the money from him, the more violent he would get, or the more he'd try to weasel his way back into my life.
I'm paying off the debt, little by little, and I still have more money to spend on things that I want, if I want to do that. My tastes are not nearly as expensive as his, the most expensive thing I want right now is a $900 lifetime subscription to National Geographic (something I've wanted my whole life, since they were only $200), and I've already promised that to myself for Christmas next year. (In the meantime, I have a yearly subscription, which is almost as good, and much cheaper).
More importantly, I have peace of mind. I stood my ground with other things, I went completely no contact and informed the employee assistance program therapist of any attempts on his part to break that. (We work at the same place; he could have been fired for his attempts to contact or stalk me - I made it clear with the therapist that on the next attempt I would go to HR about the issue, and the message was properly conveyed because he never tried after that.)
I don't feel like I was weak at all, and while I regret some of the things I lost while in the relationship, I do not regret not going after the money. To me, it would be the same as showing up at his mother's house to demand my really nice camping chair which lives in his basement, or the really comfortable pillow I brought over for the nights I stayed there. Sure, they're nice things, but I don't need them, and I can eventually replace them if I want to.
I got to keep what I needed, everything else can be replaced - and in the meantime, I also kept the moral high ground.
No matter what happened, or how he acted when I was working towards my extraction from the relationship, I do not regret the actions that I have taken, and I feel that I acted with compassion, for both him and myself.
That's worth a lot more to me than $100k, a camping chair, an expensive pillow, the cost of a moving truck to ship his things to his mothers, and everything else that he got to keep.
Peace of mind is priceless. <3
I never married him, and although I'm sure there are some things I could do to try and get that money back, I decided I'd rather have a clean break and be done with it. He'd never be able to pay me back anyway, and the more I would try to get the money from him, the more violent he would get, or the more he'd try to weasel his way back into my life.
I'm paying off the debt, little by little, and I still have more money to spend on things that I want, if I want to do that. My tastes are not nearly as expensive as his, the most expensive thing I want right now is a $900 lifetime subscription to National Geographic (something I've wanted my whole life, since they were only $200), and I've already promised that to myself for Christmas next year. (In the meantime, I have a yearly subscription, which is almost as good, and much cheaper).
More importantly, I have peace of mind. I stood my ground with other things, I went completely no contact and informed the employee assistance program therapist of any attempts on his part to break that. (We work at the same place; he could have been fired for his attempts to contact or stalk me - I made it clear with the therapist that on the next attempt I would go to HR about the issue, and the message was properly conveyed because he never tried after that.)
I don't feel like I was weak at all, and while I regret some of the things I lost while in the relationship, I do not regret not going after the money. To me, it would be the same as showing up at his mother's house to demand my really nice camping chair which lives in his basement, or the really comfortable pillow I brought over for the nights I stayed there. Sure, they're nice things, but I don't need them, and I can eventually replace them if I want to.
I got to keep what I needed, everything else can be replaced - and in the meantime, I also kept the moral high ground.
No matter what happened, or how he acted when I was working towards my extraction from the relationship, I do not regret the actions that I have taken, and I feel that I acted with compassion, for both him and myself.
That's worth a lot more to me than $100k, a camping chair, an expensive pillow, the cost of a moving truck to ship his things to his mothers, and everything else that he got to keep.
Peace of mind is priceless. <3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Tuffgirl-My two cents says you should cut and run. I faced this ugliness with a non-alcoholic (but still an a$$hole) ex husband - considering the fact that I used all of my capital to invest in not one, but two businesses for us (both went bust), basically carried him for our marriage financially, and in the end, he still asked for more.
By then, legally, I had to pay him a percentage of the house and what savings I had-that hurt, made my as angry as hell, but when all was said and done, when I finished ranting and raving, it finally dawned on me that it was a small price to pay to get him out of my life. My final words to him when he got what was coming to him-hope these 30 pieces of silver have been worth all of the battles" - his reply was that if I had signed an agreement earlier, he would have asked for less. That's when I knew that what I paid him was worth every penny to see the end of him.
Fast forward to me now-a failed marriage and then, relationship with an alcoholic - one that was filled with insanity for the entire time. When he started pressuring me to "help" him pay down his DUI fines, to help him get a car so that "we" could have the life we dreamed of, the thoughts of what I went through with the exhubby came right back to me - the exABF threw it up in my face that if I could pay ex-hubby X amount, then I OWED him that consideration. Long story short-I never helped him with his fines. Told him that was his responsibility and as long as he drank, I would never be part owner of a vehicle where he had access to drive.
That relationship is now history and as much as I tried, as much as I invested in the relationship, it wasn't meant to be. My sanity and well being was way too important to risk continuing, especially when he made it clear that his way (no recovery tools) was the right way to stay sober. Too much insanity, too much hurt and grief. I cut and ran and was told that I could never sustain a long term relationship because I was too selfish and "cheap."
They say that the greatest revenge is living well. I may not be rich (far from it ) but I'm happy. I'm paying down the CC debt for my schooling in small chunks, but I'm still doing it. My rent and utilities are all paid promptly while EXABF (on a disability with a rent subsidy and working some hours) can barely pay his TV/Internet bill. He's back on the dating sites trolling for a new enabler. I'm working on more courses, still looking for a job but I'm sane. I have family and friends to lean on. I have a great little house-been here for two years. He lives in shared accommodation in a seedy part of town with druggies as neighbours. I have a dog I adore, good neighbours, food on the table and a better sense of myself.
As Freedom said-they have to live with themselves and all of what this disease has cost them. Your hubby, my EXABF, all of them have that one commonality, while we have something they don't have - the will and desire to live a good, happy life - that takes work, responsibility and facing up to our issues and dealing with them head on. What that gives us is serenity - a priceless gift for anyone.
By then, legally, I had to pay him a percentage of the house and what savings I had-that hurt, made my as angry as hell, but when all was said and done, when I finished ranting and raving, it finally dawned on me that it was a small price to pay to get him out of my life. My final words to him when he got what was coming to him-hope these 30 pieces of silver have been worth all of the battles" - his reply was that if I had signed an agreement earlier, he would have asked for less. That's when I knew that what I paid him was worth every penny to see the end of him.
Fast forward to me now-a failed marriage and then, relationship with an alcoholic - one that was filled with insanity for the entire time. When he started pressuring me to "help" him pay down his DUI fines, to help him get a car so that "we" could have the life we dreamed of, the thoughts of what I went through with the exhubby came right back to me - the exABF threw it up in my face that if I could pay ex-hubby X amount, then I OWED him that consideration. Long story short-I never helped him with his fines. Told him that was his responsibility and as long as he drank, I would never be part owner of a vehicle where he had access to drive.
That relationship is now history and as much as I tried, as much as I invested in the relationship, it wasn't meant to be. My sanity and well being was way too important to risk continuing, especially when he made it clear that his way (no recovery tools) was the right way to stay sober. Too much insanity, too much hurt and grief. I cut and ran and was told that I could never sustain a long term relationship because I was too selfish and "cheap."
They say that the greatest revenge is living well. I may not be rich (far from it
) but I'm happy. I'm paying down the CC debt for my schooling in small chunks, but I'm still doing it. My rent and utilities are all paid promptly while EXABF (on a disability with a rent subsidy and working some hours) can barely pay his TV/Internet bill. He's back on the dating sites trolling for a new enabler. I'm working on more courses, still looking for a job but I'm sane. I have family and friends to lean on. I have a great little house-been here for two years. He lives in shared accommodation in a seedy part of town with druggies as neighbours. I have a dog I adore, good neighbours, food on the table and a better sense of myself. As Freedom said-they have to live with themselves and all of what this disease has cost them. Your hubby, my EXABF, all of them have that one commonality, while we have something they don't have - the will and desire to live a good, happy life - that takes work, responsibility and facing up to our issues and dealing with them head on. What that gives us is serenity - a priceless gift for anyone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Wow Link & StarCat- THANKS! I needed that today.
I have had a very good week, regardless. As I laid in bed last night, reflecting on my day, I realized that my life is going well, because of me and what I have done to persevere. So what's a little CC debt in the grand scheme of life - not very relevant.
Link you are so right about that one commonality...the desire to live a good life. I think my stbxrah wants a good life, but has absolutely no idea how to get it on top of the outward blaming instead of taking personal responsibility. I remember telling him numerous times "you are driving this boat, man! steer in another direction!"
I have had a very good week, regardless. As I laid in bed last night, reflecting on my day, I realized that my life is going well, because of me and what I have done to persevere. So what's a little CC debt in the grand scheme of life - not very relevant.
Link you are so right about that one commonality...the desire to live a good life. I think my stbxrah wants a good life, but has absolutely no idea how to get it on top of the outward blaming instead of taking personal responsibility. I remember telling him numerous times "you are driving this boat, man! steer in another direction!"
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Tuffgirl,
The best divorce advice I received came from my older brother, and I still remember his words:
" You are about to enter into a legal business transaction. Cut the emotion, do not act or react based on emotion. When decisions are made based on emotion, you loose. A judge is only interested in facts. That is how he does his job, and you damn well better
have your ducks in a row."
I was so very hurt by my brother's words, I thought you heartless pr*ck. My world is crumbling and you are being the biggest insensitive jerk I know.
Well guess what ???? He was right. I have been divorced 13 years now. I did not listen to my know- it- all law professor brother. I could not separate the emotion from the facts. It took me seven long years to pay off our debt, why because I said "screw you, have it all, you aren't worth it."
Seven years without a real vacation, while he was golfing year round , five years without a new car, while he was sending women he hardly knew little turquoise boxes. And I had no one to blame but myself. I had to buy him out of my business, I just wanted to croak!!!!!!
In retrospect, I wish I would have been stronger, but I let my emotions get the best of me and I lost. Was it really, really worth it ? Hell no.
Just sharing my experience, I do understand where you are coming from. But it is always best to make decision with our heads, and not our heart............
Wishing you a beautiful new life, will keep you in my thoughts..........
The best divorce advice I received came from my older brother, and I still remember his words:
" You are about to enter into a legal business transaction. Cut the emotion, do not act or react based on emotion. When decisions are made based on emotion, you loose. A judge is only interested in facts. That is how he does his job, and you damn well better
have your ducks in a row."
I was so very hurt by my brother's words, I thought you heartless pr*ck. My world is crumbling and you are being the biggest insensitive jerk I know.
Well guess what ???? He was right. I have been divorced 13 years now. I did not listen to my know- it- all law professor brother. I could not separate the emotion from the facts. It took me seven long years to pay off our debt, why because I said "screw you, have it all, you aren't worth it."
Seven years without a real vacation, while he was golfing year round , five years without a new car, while he was sending women he hardly knew little turquoise boxes. And I had no one to blame but myself. I had to buy him out of my business, I just wanted to croak!!!!!!
In retrospect, I wish I would have been stronger, but I let my emotions get the best of me and I lost. Was it really, really worth it ? Hell no.
Just sharing my experience, I do understand where you are coming from. But it is always best to make decision with our heads, and not our heart............
Wishing you a beautiful new life, will keep you in my thoughts..........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Update:
Well Sr friends, I did it. Just sent the bank the assumption letter for the credit card and got the dissolution papers notarized and in the mail.
I realize now how crazy this all is, as well as how many signs of relapse there are waving right in front of my face. If he's not drinking, he will be soon. The conversation we had over email this morning was baffling and sad, on top of more blame and a serious case of denial.
It's worth the financial loss to get away from this madness. Thanks all for your thoughts here. I appreciate it very much!
Well Sr friends, I did it. Just sent the bank the assumption letter for the credit card and got the dissolution papers notarized and in the mail.
I realize now how crazy this all is, as well as how many signs of relapse there are waving right in front of my face. If he's not drinking, he will be soon. The conversation we had over email this morning was baffling and sad, on top of more blame and a serious case of denial.
It's worth the financial loss to get away from this madness. Thanks all for your thoughts here. I appreciate it very much!
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