abuse and alcohol, advice about leaving
RIP Sweet Suki
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Hi, rara. I'll repost what I posted in your other thread...
If your name is on the checking account, you can legally withdraw funds from the account. Is there any way you could open a separate account in your name only (preferably at a different bank) and have the funds put there? That way only you would have access to them. The trick would be to take out all you'll need because once he finds out that you've taken money out of the account, he might open his own account and remove the rest of the funds and you won't have access to any more money.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you can find a way to get out of that mess. Do you have any family members who could help you, at least initially so you can get out? My heart goes out to you.
If your name is on the checking account, you can legally withdraw funds from the account. Is there any way you could open a separate account in your name only (preferably at a different bank) and have the funds put there? That way only you would have access to them. The trick would be to take out all you'll need because once he finds out that you've taken money out of the account, he might open his own account and remove the rest of the funds and you won't have access to any more money.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you can find a way to get out of that mess. Do you have any family members who could help you, at least initially so you can get out? My heart goes out to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 103
abuse and alcohol, advice about leaving
Hi, I am looking for some advice. This is very long - if I need to move it to another thread, please let me know. I originally posted in newcomers, this is probably a better spot. I am 54, no children of my own, regrettably. I've been married to an abusive alcoholic, 64, for 10 years. We had a quick courtship and I fell for the facade - charming, warm, generous, did not seem to have an alcohol problem, but my fault for not seeing that. He was widowed and has three grown children, which has been very difficult, particularly with one very screwed up daughter, who is more like his wife than I am. He rarely stands up for me, but in recent years my relationships with them have improved a lot. I will get back to that. My husband's late wife was also an alcoholic, I found out from others later. He still owns a company, which was successful, but has not worked much over the last 8 years, and he often just drinks and watches TV. He does not think he is an alcoholic and never will. He blames me for his drinking.
We traveled and had some good times in the first few years, although the abuse was there as far as not standing up for me and always defending his kids, even in very hurtful circumstances. Although i had a career when we married, I was ill for a few months, and he said we would travel and I had no need to work. Because I wasn't well, I agreed, but regretted it later, I had worked my whole life. I wanted to work again after a year, and I did, but not consistently, as my career often involved contract work. We moved to a somewhat isolated area 8 years ago, against my wishes, that is another story, because I was lied to about a permanent move. I have never been able to find a steady full-time job since then, and have worked mostly part-time. I am not working now and the market here is dismal. I lost my career and myself in this marriage, and I am to blame for letting it go on so long, but have always felt trapped due to money and working, but also because of extreme emotional and verbal abuse. It has steadily worn me down to the point that I have no confidence or self-esteem, and am constantly anxious.
It has gotten to the point that I am so nervous all the time that I lost my license in August for driving erratically on a prescription drug that I had not taken before, VERY unlike me, and I stopped the drug immediately. I am not an addict in any way, but so nervous that I often make poor decisions. My fault, not his, but I do believe it stems from the abuse, which has only escalated since. I was not arrested, but it has been a nightmare and I am still in shock over it. There is a new law here, and I have to take a road test in a few weeks to get my license back, and you get one shot and then an appeal, and that is it. I am only able to drive with an instructor until that time in their car, and am so afraid that I will fail, despite the fact that it is a fairly simple test, but so much more pressure. I could never live here without my license, or anywhere else for that matter, since I would be giving up my freedom. I do feel better about passing today after went out and practiced - it is easy but the nerves take over.
I have been trapped in the house for nearly two months, and my husband refuses to drive me places, except for a few times to the store, would not even take me when my father was very sick in the hospital recently. I know that along with the abuse, he does not want to drive because of his drinking. He does not go out much and only to the city when really necessary. So I have been using some public transportation, but I live a long way from the city and from many of my family and friends, and it is very limiting. He was supposed to pick me up at a stop recently, and never came.
Recently my husband's mother in law, who I was very close to, passed away. She was my friend and ally, and knew that my husband was an alcoholic and that he treated me badly, but she was very discreet, and loved my husband. He was good to her. My name was left out of the obituary (his late wife was in, as she should be, but it stated "and her husband..", I am also left out of all subsequent information related to her death, socially, emails, etc. I am devastated over her loss and then all of this, and now his children are treating me badly, as well. I know she would not have wanted this and quite a few people told me that they were horrified over the obituary. It is almost like my relationship with her never existed, although he always acknowledged it positively before, and now my relationships with the rest of his family are also very damaged from whatever he has said about me.
Today for the third time, he refused to take me to a medical appointment, with more insults, threats, etc., and I have cancelled several appointments. I am sure now that he does not want me to get my license back. It is just too much. To be fair, it is my fault that he has to pay the majority of the bills. I have not contributed financially as much as I should have, and although my location and the abuse are the main reasons, I have to take blame for his frustration, but not for the abuse. I did have a good career years ago, but at this point it is unlikely that I could even do contracting, too many changes in my field, my age, etc. I have no access to financial records, and my name is only on the checking account, nothing else, it is all for his kids. This all sounds so pathetic, and I know I should have left long ago.
I have no money for an attorney. Getting my license back is as important as my sanity. The test is here and I have to go through a driving school (very extreme, but there is a new law in my state, too complicated) so I cannot take it at another location, or I would stay somewhere away from here. Is it possible for me to withdraw money from the checking account to pay for a lawyer and stay somewhere, and get emergency temporary orders? I don't even know where I could go nearby except a hotel, which would cost a fortune for the few weeks before the test. I am not working or I would have left much sooner.
Any feedback would be appreciated. I feel that I am in the midst of a breakdown after these last few months.
We traveled and had some good times in the first few years, although the abuse was there as far as not standing up for me and always defending his kids, even in very hurtful circumstances. Although i had a career when we married, I was ill for a few months, and he said we would travel and I had no need to work. Because I wasn't well, I agreed, but regretted it later, I had worked my whole life. I wanted to work again after a year, and I did, but not consistently, as my career often involved contract work. We moved to a somewhat isolated area 8 years ago, against my wishes, that is another story, because I was lied to about a permanent move. I have never been able to find a steady full-time job since then, and have worked mostly part-time. I am not working now and the market here is dismal. I lost my career and myself in this marriage, and I am to blame for letting it go on so long, but have always felt trapped due to money and working, but also because of extreme emotional and verbal abuse. It has steadily worn me down to the point that I have no confidence or self-esteem, and am constantly anxious.
It has gotten to the point that I am so nervous all the time that I lost my license in August for driving erratically on a prescription drug that I had not taken before, VERY unlike me, and I stopped the drug immediately. I am not an addict in any way, but so nervous that I often make poor decisions. My fault, not his, but I do believe it stems from the abuse, which has only escalated since. I was not arrested, but it has been a nightmare and I am still in shock over it. There is a new law here, and I have to take a road test in a few weeks to get my license back, and you get one shot and then an appeal, and that is it. I am only able to drive with an instructor until that time in their car, and am so afraid that I will fail, despite the fact that it is a fairly simple test, but so much more pressure. I could never live here without my license, or anywhere else for that matter, since I would be giving up my freedom. I do feel better about passing today after went out and practiced - it is easy but the nerves take over.
I have been trapped in the house for nearly two months, and my husband refuses to drive me places, except for a few times to the store, would not even take me when my father was very sick in the hospital recently. I know that along with the abuse, he does not want to drive because of his drinking. He does not go out much and only to the city when really necessary. So I have been using some public transportation, but I live a long way from the city and from many of my family and friends, and it is very limiting. He was supposed to pick me up at a stop recently, and never came.
Recently my husband's mother in law, who I was very close to, passed away. She was my friend and ally, and knew that my husband was an alcoholic and that he treated me badly, but she was very discreet, and loved my husband. He was good to her. My name was left out of the obituary (his late wife was in, as she should be, but it stated "and her husband..", I am also left out of all subsequent information related to her death, socially, emails, etc. I am devastated over her loss and then all of this, and now his children are treating me badly, as well. I know she would not have wanted this and quite a few people told me that they were horrified over the obituary. It is almost like my relationship with her never existed, although he always acknowledged it positively before, and now my relationships with the rest of his family are also very damaged from whatever he has said about me.
Today for the third time, he refused to take me to a medical appointment, with more insults, threats, etc., and I have cancelled several appointments. I am sure now that he does not want me to get my license back. It is just too much. To be fair, it is my fault that he has to pay the majority of the bills. I have not contributed financially as much as I should have, and although my location and the abuse are the main reasons, I have to take blame for his frustration, but not for the abuse. I did have a good career years ago, but at this point it is unlikely that I could even do contracting, too many changes in my field, my age, etc. I have no access to financial records, and my name is only on the checking account, nothing else, it is all for his kids. This all sounds so pathetic, and I know I should have left long ago.
I have no money for an attorney. Getting my license back is as important as my sanity. The test is here and I have to go through a driving school (very extreme, but there is a new law in my state, too complicated) so I cannot take it at another location, or I would stay somewhere away from here. Is it possible for me to withdraw money from the checking account to pay for a lawyer and stay somewhere, and get emergency temporary orders? I don't even know where I could go nearby except a hotel, which would cost a fortune for the few weeks before the test. I am not working or I would have left much sooner.
Any feedback would be appreciated. I feel that I am in the midst of a breakdown after these last few months.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I would strongly suggest that you take a look at the links in this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Especially this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html
There are a lot of resources available to you, to help you through this...
I do not know what resources are available in your area, but the people on these phone numbers would know:
Originally Posted by ICU 
For the US:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)
By state:
http://www.letswrap.com/usadv/
(Click on your state for various hotline phone numbers and other information)
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)
By state:
http://www.letswrap.com/usadv/
(Click on your state for various hotline phone numbers and other information)
I'm glad you found us.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
First of all, big hugs to you!
You may find some of this helpful:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html
You may find some of this helpful:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
Wow. First, let me say that you have SO MANY LAYERS of stuff to sort through, it seems overwhelming.
Without telling you what to do..I'll put some stuff here that I hadn't said before. I am 62, and went through a breakup with a husband almost 2 yrs back. All I had was my car..I had not worked, because he has MS, so my job history was down the toilet. We were married 7 yrs when he left, with no warning at all. Seriously..he was gone one morning (his daughter came and got him). He was not an alcoholic, but had other serious issues, gossip, backstabbing, and more.
Had it not been for one of my "kids" (son's ex, actually), I would have been in a shelter. Had no income until this year when I was able to start social security. She took me in, and I had my car until the water pump went out..and I didn't have money to fix it. When HER situation crashed, another friend came and moved me from Ok to Illinois, and lived with them until qualified for low income apt.
Being trapped is a terrifying thing to face..and I GUARANTEE, I hear you.
You cannot deal with every layer at one time..you have to get to a place of safety first, and start looking for the resources. And resources today are thin. Your computer is your lifeline..it allows you to search anything. Including things like apply for food stamps online. And, for a time, while in OK, I didn't even have my computer or internet.
I'm not happy with where I am now...I got involved with an alcoholic here (ah, yes, the charm and promises...that's another story). And when that started crashing, I came to SR. I now have a safe apt, even if on my own...and this forum.
Just wanted to tell you that YOU CAN MAKE IT, but you know the first step is out. Once you are safe, you can start to repair the emotions and the rest.
Without telling you what to do..I'll put some stuff here that I hadn't said before. I am 62, and went through a breakup with a husband almost 2 yrs back. All I had was my car..I had not worked, because he has MS, so my job history was down the toilet. We were married 7 yrs when he left, with no warning at all. Seriously..he was gone one morning (his daughter came and got him). He was not an alcoholic, but had other serious issues, gossip, backstabbing, and more.
Had it not been for one of my "kids" (son's ex, actually), I would have been in a shelter. Had no income until this year when I was able to start social security. She took me in, and I had my car until the water pump went out..and I didn't have money to fix it. When HER situation crashed, another friend came and moved me from Ok to Illinois, and lived with them until qualified for low income apt.
Being trapped is a terrifying thing to face..and I GUARANTEE, I hear you.
You cannot deal with every layer at one time..you have to get to a place of safety first, and start looking for the resources. And resources today are thin. Your computer is your lifeline..it allows you to search anything. Including things like apply for food stamps online. And, for a time, while in OK, I didn't even have my computer or internet.
I'm not happy with where I am now...I got involved with an alcoholic here (ah, yes, the charm and promises...that's another story). And when that started crashing, I came to SR. I now have a safe apt, even if on my own...and this forum.
Just wanted to tell you that YOU CAN MAKE IT, but you know the first step is out. Once you are safe, you can start to repair the emotions and the rest.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Chicago
Posts: 57
rara - you might want to look into some pro bono legal advice. Here in Chicago, there are many legal pro bono programs that will assist or at least provide some basic guidance to anyone who asks. You don't have to show bank statements or anything to qualify, if you are not working now that is usually enough. Your local bar association may be able to direct you to some good resources. I would start there. Womens' shelters also may have some information.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Chicago
Posts: 57
And FWIW, you do NOT have to take the blame for his emotions! My heart breaks for you and what you are going through - and what you have been going through for some time.
If this license situation (and your AH's responses) prompts you to take action, then perhaps it was a good thing - because the license situation itself sounds fixable. I wish you all the best and I hope you continue thinking about how to put yourself and your needs first. Clearly you cannot count on AH to do so.
If this license situation (and your AH's responses) prompts you to take action, then perhaps it was a good thing - because the license situation itself sounds fixable. I wish you all the best and I hope you continue thinking about how to put yourself and your needs first. Clearly you cannot count on AH to do so.
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