update from japan
 

I am gutted..again. and heartbroken... again. You'd think that the hope would die out after awhile, right? He came home smelling like alcohol..again. Long, painful story short, looks like we are heading home next week. I have been looking at apartments in my hometown, he said he would pay child support. He is signing the paper saying i have permission to take our boys out of the country tomorrow after work. He refers to our leaving casually, as if we were going to the park for an afternoon. The only thing he says, is that us leaving is something that can't be helped. completely emotionless.

I loved him since I met him, four years ago. But apparently i am something that can be simply tossed aside. And yes, i know that its better for my two little boys this way, but it still kills inside. Oh, did i mention that i am pregnant with our third? Just barely found out, myself. (Still breastfeeding my one yr old, so AF still somewhat random.) And yes, he knows.

still struggling with how i am going to be able to provide for my boys, and still be mommy and now, daddy, without them feeling alone or abandoned or something horribly awful like that.

How can i become the provider, the protector, and the comforter? I freak out whenever i see a bug(insects have no place in this world. :gaah They only eat other bugs, so i say just get rid of all of 'em.) and i can't even sleep alone without a light on somewhere in the house.
I just turned 28 this past Monday..but i have spent the last five years of my life in Japan. And now i
feel even more lost than i did before i even came here. :c020:

You do have a lot of reasons to feel fear. When you get stateside, get yourself set up in housing, and then call the alanon number in the phonebook and let them know your circumstances generally, and ask for help. There are alanon meetings that have children along. Just ask for help looking for resources, don't be afraid to ask and see what you can discover.

There is help out there, but you have to let it be known that you could use some help.

I promise that the fear and pain doing this will be less than the fear and pain of being stuck in a foreign country with basically no support and no independence.

We are here, also 24/7/365 at SR - there is almost always someone human to connect with day or night, or shortly, if you need human contact. Look at the number of folks on the boards - tens of thousands of members here - YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

If it were easy to extract oneself from being a victim of addiction, we wouldn't need support such as this board. Don't feel abnormal because you have fears, weaknesses, anxiety and confusion. This is normal! There is a path forward, a structure, if you get plugged into alanon and get some help, tools, and support!

Sending encouragement,

CLMI

I am so sorry you are going through this, and with another little one on the way.

I agree with Catlovermi in contacting Alanon when you get back stateside.

I raised two daughters on my own for the most part. Neither dad took an active interest in their lives.

My 33-year-old is an active addict, but that is her choice. She's been around the rooms of recovery since 1986 with me (I'm in long-term recovery). She knows there is a better way to live.

My 23-year-old is an avid horsewoman (has 6 horses), works full-time for our veterinarian, and is kind, witty, and giving.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but things will be okay.

Sending you hugs of support! :hug:

Some practical advice: you may want to at least consult a competent lawyer who is both savvy about Japanese family law and the laws back home (stateside) before you sign anything or physically repatriate; such a person may be a bengoshi or a gaiben (gaikoku jimubengoshi). In general, the laws of the former, aren't structured in the same fashion as US laws ... so it's fairly simple for a former spouse to renege on child support etc. If you require a referral I can do so (for what it's worth from someone on an anonymous board).

Also, don't take the physical security of you and your children for granted until you are safely back in the US. Don't wish to make you paranoid, but anything could happen including the grandparents snatching the children and the AH freezing accounts etc.

Also, if you require a sympathetic trained counseling ear in Japan: http://www.telljp.com/index.php?/en/life_line/ (Tokyo English Life Line -TELL)

My sympathies to you and your children for what you are having to go through.

ANY DIVORCE INVOLVES THE FEARS you are talking about. Booze or not. It will be hard, you will get through. Getting through is not an optional thing, especially since you have children to consider.
As for his lack of emotion, THAT seems to be consistent with what I've seen around my abf. Seems to me that booze is just one more tool they have to DENY ANY FEELINGS, especially hurt or guilt. But, I've seen that it in guys who were not drinking.