LittleApple

My AW is starting to work on her drinking. She hasn't cut back on her daily drinking but is finally starting to own up to the fact that she has a drinking problem. She even told her mother on the phone the other night that she is an A. She's also starting today to see a councilor. She has still had a couple episodes the last week but seems to be trying for the first time.

The problem is that I'm having a very difficult time supporting her through this and find myself totally detached from her at this time. She is wanting me to help her through this, but I'm finding that I can't generate any empathy for her through this. Am just a heartless b****** or is this normal?

bellakeller

It would probably be better if she found sources of support and help outside your relationship. It's up to her to do this work for herself. We can only offer the "support" we're able to offer.

m1k3

My wife did not start working her recovery until after I moved out. She gave me the usual quacking about needing my support and what I told her is that I am going to work on my recovery and it is up to her to work on hers.

The support she is getting from me is that I am being patient to see how this works out, we are still married, and I am still giving her support financially. In my mind that is plenty.

I will admit since I have focused strictly on my recovery I am doing much better and actually enjoy life again. If you are not going to Al-Anon please check it out. It has played a huge role in me turning my life around.

Your friend,

BobbyJ

I hope this post comes across with grace....

From my experiance and what I have learned this is how I view this subject.

There are alot of similarities to our stories living with an alcoholic
Alanon is a great program for everyone!!

But none of us are clones
We have our own personalitys, history, hurts, aches and pains
If I told you, that I had to hide out in the middle of the night when it was
-20 degrees, would you have done over and over? I did. Everyone
has a story of despair when they live with an alcoholic. Your not alone.
Some stories we share and some we dont. I dont know what you have
lived thru or have seen.....

What you can live with is probably not something I could live with
visa versa

When it comes to your feelings, that is your business.
That is something only you can control. Keyword: YOU

Do I think it's wrong for you to feel completely detached?
I believe it happens alot to people living with an alcoholic
or in any type of abusive relationship or even in daily friendships.

Did I completely detach? Yes, I could not live with an alcoholic, active or in recovery.
It's just not for me...

Does that make me a bad person or a cold person? No, I believe Im learning to take
care of me and learning to love myself more and more each day. My life is too
short to sit around and dwell on the possiblities of ever being happy with someone or minding my own business, if they ever get sober. Thats just not me...
It might work for you and alot of others, but it's just not for me...

You dont have to be with someone, to be something in life...
I think society leads us to believe, we have to be married or in a relationship
to be someone or to fit in. I guess, I have learned, that being alone is peaceful
and I dont need a label on my forehead anymore.

Alanon: It's a tool for YOU, but I dont believe it's a tool for you to stay with someone
that you dont love anymore....

Give yourself some time and keep on working the program
you will get it figured out....

And remembers, its your light that goes GREEN or RED...
When the time is right, you will know in your heart, what is correct for you!!

Milly39

am in a similar situation with my AH. He has been to rehab twice and has started drinking again after both times. Now he has stopped again and I am
" well...let's see how long it lasts this time " My support tank is so empty now and I don't think I even care whether he continues his recovery or not.
So I guess this is a normal feeling you are having or mayb we are both mean b**tards !!!
Best of luck to you

searchbug

Have to wonder on this...
if someone says they NEED HELP.. is it REALLY needing help...
or just a way to have a back door to evade, like "well, someone didn't help me, so its ok for me to fail".
My xabf mentioned last time we talked, that he needed to quit, and he has a "helper". My thinking is that he is expecting someone to shoulder the responsibility with him.
And am very skeptical that any helper will be enough.
Just a thought...

JenT1968

AXH often admitted /admits he has/had a problem (the detaails change) it was one of his strategies to get me to SHUT UP about his drinking and the conseuences and to recruit allies and positive support etc. It never, ever, once, ever turned into actual action in moderating his drinking or giving up. I started out all positive and supportive and helpful and hopeful, and crashed down into despair and despondency each time he didn't come through with the action on top of the talk. I ended up pretty much where you are now.

credit companies require 6 years of spotless financial management before they "forget" financial misdemeanors and poor behaviour and support new credit applications: I can say "I know I've been rubbish with your cash and have problems and need to change" till I'm blue in the face but until I have demonstrated that I have changed my behaviour for SIX YEARS they will not entertain giving me another chance.

and that's just money. something to think about.

LittleApple

Thanks everyone for the support. I thought that was how I should look at it, but I'm pretty unsure of my emotions right now and needed some reassurance that I'm approaching thisnthe right way.

I'll hope for the best but expect the worst.

m1k3

Try this, hope for nothing, expect nothing, be patient and let it play out as it will. While you are being patient you can focus on your own recovery. So far it is working pretty well for me.

Your friend,