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bustedmugshots.com and more lies

Old 09-28-2011, 07:43 AM
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bustedmugshots.com and more lies

exabf moved to where I am about a month ago. I have seen him 4 or 5 times since then, while trying to maintain my space and not get sucked back in. He has told me he isn't drinking, he looks so much better, and he started a new job. I have been very cautious, seeing him for lunch or to get ice cream, and have told him I don't want to work on a relationship now. He was getting frustrated at times, when I say I don't want to see you. This weekend, he had tickets for the University Football Game, which is something that we have always done together. It would have meant a roadtrip and hotel, and I declined. I will admit that I have been trying to be a little optimistic, and thought that once that he had more sobriety underneath him, maybe I could open back up a little.

Yesterday at work, (and no idea why I did this) I typed his name into google. The first entry that came up was bustedmugshots.com which showed a mugshot and stated that he was arrested August 17 for DWI and open container. I called him and asked him, he quacked, told me he didn't know what I was talking about, told me that it must be a prank or mistake, and then came up with the explanation that it must have been from his DWI back in February and they put the wrong date on the website.

He called last night and I didn't answer. I turned the phone off. This morning I answered and told him I would listen only if he told the truth. He told me that he was arrested in his driveway, with the car running. He plead to the open container and paid a fine, thought it was over. He apologized for lying to me. When pressed, he admitted that he had a couple of beers this weekend at the game, because "I wasn't there".

I asked for no contact. And I will not break it. Why do I do this to myself, why do I try to hold on? It's time for me to pick up the pieces. I am still living at my parent house. I am completely depressed. My new job is going great, but it is the only thing I am doing well. I eat to medicate, I haven't been exercising or even trying to look alive. I haven't colored my hair. I sit at home in my pajamas on the weekends, and I'm drowning in my own grief.

Someone smack me across the head.
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Old 09-28-2011, 07:50 AM
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It's okay to grieve, but don't get stuck there. This guy obviously isn't going to stop drinking. It is important that you accept that as fact or the possibility of you falling for the lies will continue. He is what he is. You deserve better. Go ahead and cry or scream or whatever you need to do to get it out. Then, color your hair, start exercising (that will help you feel better...something about endorphins ), and do some special things for yourself. You may have to force yourself to do these things at first, but once you do, it'll get easier. I know how you feel, and your feeling are justified, just don't get stuck.
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Old 09-28-2011, 07:50 AM
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Actually, I think you did pretty darned well, waiting for some bona fide data to see if he had changed, before jumping back in with him. Give yourself some credit!

I'm sorry it hurts, though, to get the truth.

CLMI
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Old 09-28-2011, 09:17 AM
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Lightbulb

While the truth can be difficult to accept I have found that work done with the truth is work that that will not have to be redone because no new information comes along to require it.
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Old 09-28-2011, 10:00 AM
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Just wanted to say "good for you!" in trusting your instincts. Someone here on SR gave me the great advice that to deal with the alcoholic's lying, just *expect* them to lie. It makes it easier for me.

Stay strong. Your XABF's actions speak louder than words. Meantime, get on with your life. You deserve a partner who adores you, who is capable of emotional intimacy, who tells the truth, and who isn't an addict devoted to another 'girl' (ie alcohol).
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Old 09-28-2011, 12:04 PM
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Yesterday at work, (and no idea why I did this) I typed his name into google
This is called an answered prayer. You asked for it, you got it. Awesome!
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Old 09-28-2011, 12:20 PM
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You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. You can't control it.

He will play the blame game as long as you let him. I"m sorry your having a hard time. Grief is tricky. It's important to work through it and deal with it...even if you need to obtain some counseling to do so.

The part that involves him is over. He's shown that he has no intention of changing, working a program or trying to have a better life...

I encourage you to remember the bad stuff when you feel weak and want to pick up that phone... Keep at the no contact.

Good Luck...
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Old 09-28-2011, 02:04 PM
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I asked for no contact. And I will not break it. Why do I do this to myself, why do I try to hold on? It's time for me to pick up the pieces. I am still living at my parent house. I am completely depressed. My new job is going great, but it is the only thing I am doing well. I eat to medicate, I haven't been exercising or even trying to look alive. I haven't colored my hair. I sit at home in my pajamas on the weekends, and I'm drowning in my own grief.

Hey you're doing better than you think! And right in this paragraph is your new to-do list!

Just pick one little itty bit step for each of the items you listed - just take a small bite and then another the next day - one foot in front of the other - and some light will hopefully start to shine in and guide you.

You have a job? A job you like? Woot woot. That is worth celebrating in this economy.

Make the hair appointment.

Force yourself into minimum jeans and a T-shirt this weekend and take a short walk.

Baby steps will still get you where you want to go.

This stuff is really really really really hard to deal with - but wow you trusted your radar and you didn't go away to football weekend - so pat yourself on the back. If we continue to dismiss and discount our small victories we stay stuck in the muck.

(((((hugs))))
B
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Old 09-28-2011, 08:38 PM
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Yes it is had to deal with and it is o.k. to grieve it's all part of the healing process, but at the same time you need to do some nice things for yourself... I took things slow during the grieving process for example... One Day I might do my nails, next day go for a long walk and write down notes, little by little I started getting better... He has weighed you down long enough, don't give him anymore of your energy or time... It was meant for you to find these things out even though it's hard... Hang in here with us, I promise it will get better.
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Old 09-29-2011, 06:25 AM
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You listened to your gut, it never lies to you, unlike an addict!

No contact sounds like a good plan!
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Old 09-29-2011, 08:21 AM
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Self medicating with food last night, for me, was tomato soup with croutons. Am still trying to figure out how someone is arrested in a driveway.
Consider yourself lovingly smacked upside the head.
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Old 09-29-2011, 09:42 AM
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10X - time to get up and take control of your life! Go color that head of yours, buy some new make up, a new outfit, get a pedicure, and a gym membership or a new daily exercise regimen. Meet your grief head on...yeah you can feel it...but don't be defeated by it!

I let myself cry when I feel sad, go out into the woods with my dogs and scream when I need to (don't want to scare my neighbors doing it in the back yard!), take a day off on occasion to just sit quietly and read or write in my journal, but I will NOT stop being me because some drunk a$$hole blew through my life and turned it upside down for a while.

Sometimes we have to do a little "tough love" with ourselves, too. Say "10X - enough of this! Go out and LIVE". It is the best revenge, right?

Go on...your life is waiting...and it has all the potential to be fantastic if you want it to be!

PS - alcoholics lie. It is what they do, and you have been around here long enough to know it is part of the addiction process. Expect it and you will never be caught by surprise. From now on - I know I will ALWAYS assume a lie. Too much past proof to not make that assumption anymore!
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Old 09-30-2011, 07:47 PM
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Don't mess with Hank..

...when Anvil's around!

Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
my husband was pulled over IN our driveway once...he and his buddy had left a tavern, where they had burgers and fries, both in ballcaps - my husband looks like he's 22 still...so joe hero cop really thought he had a bead on a couple of punks under the influence and followed them...in the MILE drive home, hank failed to use his turn signal.....once. by the time the cop had turned on his lights, hank was pulling into the driveway. imagine my surprise when i looked out my front door, saying WTH? i was told "go back in the house ma'am" and i'm like, but you are IN my driveway sir. so i went back in the house, and out the BACK door, he breathalyzed them, the whole deal.....the ticket was laughed out of court, judge was P!SSED to have his court clogged with such a stupid ticket.

my point is, it's totally plausible to get pulled over and/or arrested in one's driveway.
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Old 10-01-2011, 08:41 AM
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Evidently he didn't drive, he was in the driveway drinking in the car with the stereo on. Such a believable story because I've seen him do that many times. They dropped the dwi and he paid a fine for open cOntainer. What's bothers me the most is that $20000 of rehab wasn't enough, losing his job and me wasn't enough, and now yet another arrest isn't enough to get him to give it up.

Not answering the phone. I told him I would change the number if he didn't stop calling. I got texts basically all night, probably drunk texts, asking why I would give up on him.

And yes, I do know better. CCC
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Old 10-01-2011, 08:58 AM
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They're just precious, aren't they?
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