aviatrix

I need to take back control of my house, but I'm having trouble setting boundaries. I now have two adult sons living with me. Alcohol is a priority with both sons, and the oldest one smokes a lot of marijuana. The oldest has been here for two and a half years after losing his grocery store job. Spends his time playing computer games all night, sleeps most of the day. Comes downstairs only to eat and smoke cigarettes out on the porch. The other son is 23 and a recent university graduate, also unemployed. He too is up most of the night and sleeping late into the day. I come downstairs in the morning to find every light still on, dirty dishes scattered everywhere. Sometimes I wake up to find one or both of the boys gone, but no note. I have asked them both repeatedly to have the courtesy to at least text me and let me know they won't be coming home, so I won't spend the night worrying. Neither son is paying rent or helping me financially in any way. I am currently unemployed too, and supporting all of us by dipping into my retirement savings. My husband died almost two year ago of cancer. He was an alcoholic who quit drinking 23 years ago, but never went through any program.

If they were handing out awards for enabling, I would definitely get one. I know I need to stop this enabling, but I just can't seem to stop. I guess I am afraid of what will happen if I change things. Why can't I just take command of the situation? Why am I so paralyzed?

suki44883

Fear of the unknown? Fear of living alone? Fear they'll be angry? Could be fear of many things, but it probably is due to fear of something.

I'm sure you know you're doing these guys no favors by letting them be deadbeats and use you as nothing but a maid and provider. They certainly have no incentive to get out and find a job or take care of themselves because you provide everything for them and they don't even appreciate it.

I hope you'll find it within yourself to do what is best for all of you, and that would be to make them leave and grow up.

Freedom1990

They are doing what they do because it is currently working for them.

Any decisions based on fear have always backfired on me.

Analysis paralysis....my old sponsor often reminded me it wasn't the "why" I needed to focus on, but "what am I going to do about it right now?"

I could try to pick things apart all day long, and didn't have to take any action while I was busy doing that.

It was a miserable way to live.

No more for me, thanks!

SoaringSpirits

It's simple. Pick a date and give them ample notice that they need to move out by that date, then follow through with your plan.
Don't worry about the details --- it's up to them to figure that out.

Willybluedog

Give them 30 days to be out, if you have to evict them then do it! Sell the house, get an apartment you can afford, if you don't straighten them out now who will be there to take care of you when you need it.

PaperDolls

I would be afraid of what will happen if things don't change.

nodaybut2day

This.

Play the tape all the way through...as in five years down the road. How much longer can you stand this?

suki44883

If you change things, things will change. For the better for you, and possibly for the better for them if they figure out they have to actually work to have money to eat and sleep in a bed.

marie1960

aviatrix, they will continue to walk all over you, until you stand up and tell them NO.

Only you can decide if you want them out. If they are going to stay, I would make a list of house rules, and be prepared to enforce these rules.

They both need to be seeking employment, they need to be out of bed, showered, shaved and pounding the pavement each morning looking for a JOB. How do two unemployed men afford pot and booze without jobs?

You are their mother not their maid. They need to respect your home and clean up after themselves. If they can't, send them packing . They aren't working, your house should be
spotless, they can clean in exchange for room and board.

It is a simple common courtesy to let family know you will not be coming home. If you allow them to stay there, make this a condition .

Your adult sons are acting like immature children. It's time they man up.

I am afraid they will not take you very seriously, as they have been on easy street for over 2 years now. I would make a contract up, have a family meeting, explain the new rules, if they cannot abide by them, they can move out. Put the ball in their court. Make them own their actions.

If you decide it's just time for them to get out , I support your decision 100%. They are adults now it's time they grow up.

Wishing you the best......

Hanna

Because it's just plain hard, that's why. But what's harder is the consequences you will all face down the road if you allow it to continue one moment more.

Definitely give them a date to get out. But also establish rules immediately and tell them that staying with you even another day depends upon following these rules. If they can't do so, they can get out immediately.

You have to stick to it. And I promise you, they will find another place to stay if needed.

searchbug

Kids play on parents all the time...alcoholics play on people all the time. Sounds like you have a combination of the two.
They will continue to do what you allow.

JMFburns

aviatrix,
Hope you've found some good support in the replies. Maybe an AlAnon meeting with some face-to-face support might help too!

The stronger you feel and act, the easier it will start to become to set and keep boundaries. One of my favorite slogans is "Act As If". It was hard for me to feel calm, happy or not anxiety filled, but if I just acted that way, to the best of my ability, slowly (maybe only for a minute) I'd start to feel a bit calm or even forget about obsessing about my son.

jimmydean

Yep, time to make them into men with some responsibility, set some rules including making your home alcohol free zone. If you cant lay down the rules, have another adult male relative, i.e. uncle sit down with them. If all of that is too difficult, you may be best to move, give them fair notice. Right now there is reason for them to smarten up.

painterman

The bottom line is this-they are not going to respect you for allowing them to behave like this, put your foot down now!

dollydo

You have posted B/4 about this same issue, others have posted in response, and yet you just disappear, one post you are here and "poof" you are gone.

Resolution of this issue requires follow thru, it requires a dedication to finding a way to resolve the issue.

I agree with the others, set a move out date and stick to it. They are adults and what you are doing is making cripples out of them. They need to be allowed to become responsible men, if they have difficulties, then so be it.

If you are afraid to be alone, then maybe therapy is in order. If you haven't been to meetings I would suggest that you do so. There is really something really wrong with this picture, it is time to identify what it is.

Read all the stickys in the Family and Friends Forums, read around the forums, keep posting, follow through... this is not a one post solution kit, you have to participate, share and support.

aviatrix

Thanks everyone for your helpful suggestions. And Dollydo, you are right, I have posted on this topic before, maybe a year ago. I have been going to therapy for about six months, and I have been attending Al-Anon meeetings for a few months. There are many issues, lots of stuff from when I was a kid, and through my marriage to an alcoholic and verbally abusive husband. Sorry to repeat some of this again. I guess I just felt I needed to hear from you all again.

I have experienced numerous deaths of people close to me. First my husband, and five weeks later my dad. A few months ago my best friend died. Then a couple of weeks ago my niece took her own life. It's been a rough couple of years. Not feeling sorry for myself, just stating reality. I guess I am afraid of another loss and afraid of doing the wrong thing.

Thanks for all of your kind posts. I will take them to heart.

suki44883

I'm sorry you've dealt with so much death, but honestly, making your adult kids be responsible for themselves won't kill them. Once they're uncomfortable enough, they'll figure out what to do. They're just not going to do it if you keep doing it for them. They need to learn and the best way to learn is to do.