onceuponadream

GettingBy, I will be thinking of you and praying for you and your kiddos this weekend!

LaTeeDa

Forgive me if I'm reading too much into this, but I detect a bit of "hoping he will finally see the light" in this statement. And, I wouldn't feel the need to even point this out if I didn't think it was dangerous.

Remember, you came back to this board after a five-year absence because this man put his hands around your neck. Now, CPS is investigating him for inappropriate/abusive behavior with his own small child.

You say you have no clue what to expect. I don't think that's true. Expect the worst. The man you are married to is ABUSIVE. I know how hard it is to come to terms with that, but you must. For your own sake, and the sake of your children. Hitting bottom with his drinking will not cure the abuse. That's a fact.

I'm glad to hear you are packed and ready to leave if needed. Maybe consider just leaving before he gets there instead of taking the risk? I'm concerned for you--very concerned.

L

GettingBy

Thank you LTD and I hear ya loud and clear. I am very aware of the danger I am in. I have discussed safety plans at great length with both of my counselors and my sponsor.

The "I have no clue what to expect" was geared toward I have no idea which way he is going to respond. It sure would be nice if this is his bottom... but realistically, I'm expected a full on freak out.

I am contemplating not even coming home tonight with the kids. I have a big family event this weekend... and may just go to my folks early.

LaTeeDa

I know this is a really long thread, and I can't remember if you were around during it, but it sheds a lot of light on abuse vs. drinking. Even IF this is his bottom (highly doubtful), the abuse will not go away. They are two very separate and distinct issues.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chapters.html

I know I would breathe a lot easier if you just went to your parents.

L

catlovermi

Doing this would deny him the opportunity to ruin your big family event this weekend, and keep you safer at a distance, surrounded by folks to support you during his likely most reactive time: learning about the investigation.

skippernlilg

(((HUGS)))

I agree with Anvil's message. Get out, then call fire dept. That's what keeps us safe.

As far as a CPS investigation....you only hear on the news when the cases are escalated or if they're not investigated enough. You never hear of the thousands of cases that are handled properly. And that's most of them. Really.

So, just have faith that they'll do their job, and you do yours.

ok?

GettingBy

First - I have the kids and we are going to my parents for the weekend.

Second - I had no choice on the CPS call. I spoke with a mandated reporter. they were going to call it in and advised me to call in before them.

Third - we weren't home together this week. He was gone and is just now coming home. I'm leaving now for safety.


Fourth - CPS can't get orders into place until they interview him. That won't happen until next week.

As my counselor said, I stepped through the doorway... now I'm in the hallway of hell. It's the best I can do right now. Spare me the judgement. I have a safety plan and I'm executing it.

wanttobehealthy

Glad you're taking the kids to your parents. I know the untenable situation you're in. No where to go permanently with the kids, have a safety plan but for financial reasons stay under the same roof longer than you'd like... And I know when people were adamant that I get the hell out no matter what I was upset and didn't want to hear it when I felt that I was already doing everything I could. I think people are just concerned about you and the kids and that's the motivation.

Anyway, I am glad that you called CPS, it was incredibly brave and you are doing the best you can -- it's clear. If staying at your folks' is an option indefinitely then maybe that would be best since there's no way to know how AH will behave these days... And are the kids afraid of him?

Hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I certainly don't have all the (or even any of the) answers but I find that plodding along, hour by hour seems to be the only way to keep my sanity when things get nuts (which is often!).

Sending you hugs!

skippernlilg

Judgement?

I'm not getting it...?

dollydo

"I'm done screwing around."

##################

That's it, take back your power.

Sending support your way!

Tuffgirl

Still thinking of you and saying prayers. You did the right thing. It is the most sucky thing ever, but it was the right thing. Hang in there!

CarolD

I admire your decision...and hope you will pay no attention to anyone who is not supportive. There will always be people who .tho well meaning....simply are negetive in their approach to life.

This happened to me too when I left an abusive husband and we had no children involved. People told me I was crazy...he made a good
living and I did not have to work. Geez! He never acted mean when anyone was around.

Well...I did go back to work and fled the toxic marriage...

Prayers going out for you and your children...

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Thinking of you and you are one awesome women and never forget that!

You are stopping the cycle and your kids will thank you some day. They will be spared years of the Alcoholic craziness.

Just wanted to send you some:

:ghug3

Pony

Kudos to you for doing the right thing. I know how hard this can be.... unless you have lived it yourself it's hard to understand why it would take someone so long to come to this decision. So don't pay no mind to those with ignorant judgemental opinions. Just keep doing the next right thing for you and your children.

GettingBy

A quick update. The kids and I spent the weekend at my folks for our family event. AH found out about the investigation and blew his top. He wrote me several emails detailing that he wanted to proceed with the divorce, he would be moving out, yada-yada-yada. He wanted to meet alone at the house yesterday to discuss divorce details. I said no. I'm not ready or comfortable enough to have that conversation - plus I didn't feel safe (duh). With that, I got more name calling, blaming, shaming... no surprises there.

The kids and I came home today so they could spend a few hours of monitored time with him. I went into the bedroom and found his wedding band sitting on my dresser. Ok. Got the message loud and clear. He's done with me, because as he says, I'm the problem - not him.

The social worker meets with him Tuesday so she can finish her investigation. I'm contacting my attorney first thing Monday morning to get the judicial intervention (temporary orders) in place.

Tuffgirl

Ugh - that must have been painful. Why are our A's so vengeful?!! No - never mind I already know that answer.

Keep on keeping on. Someone around here has a tag line that says "If you are going through hell...keep going!"

Take care of you and be safe. ~T

GettingBy

Carol - that is a perfect description of the situation. My AH puts on a good show for all involved... and then behind closed doors, the crap flows like a river. I was constantly told that I was "too sensitive, over-reacting, etc". I began to doubt my own reality. It wasn't until we went to a marriage counselor and she validating my feelings... and then my therapist said, "This is abuse. You need to get out." And only then did the light go on. Sure, I wish I had "seen" it earlier - but that's the deal with abusive situations - they keep you hostage. The whole "don't talk about our dirty little secret" crap. It keeps the family sick.

It's hard right now. I'm a bundle of raw nerves. Leaning big time on my support system.

I appreciate the support you are all giving!
Shannon

Tuffgirl

GB - my husband acts the same way. It was maddening to see a side of him that no one else ever saw. I suppose, though, that there was a side of me during that time, as well.

Keep talking to other people. That was the key to my confidence and validation, and the best step in the right direction I have ever taken. Keeping secrets is part of the disease, and its not your disease, its his. Screw secrets - once I started talking, I told everyone the truth and it became my support system. I am thankful I opened my mouth, as embarrassing as it was at first.

GettingBy

Thanks Tuffgirl. The lid blew off my mouth last week - and I talked to anyone and everyone who would listen. And something amazing happened - I found support all over the place!!

I spoke with the Deacon in charge of my daughter's Catholic school - he was so loving and supportive and said, "you are so strong and doing the right thing. this will probably get worse before it gets better... and it may end in divorce still... but know that I support you, as does God." We talked at great length about how horrible the disease is to the entire family. I got the same response from all the directors at son's daycare. One even spoke to me about his own family history with the disease.

It seems so lonely and scary when we are stuck in the closest. It isn't until we step out and get honest that we realize just how much help is really out there.

dbh

I found this to also be true for me. My alcoholic father got sick a couple of years ago. I needed to talk with various social service agencies to try and get him help. Once I started talking I couldn't stop! For DECADES I kept our family secrets and it was something that I was really embarrassed about.

Talking released me from so much. Having others share their own family history made me feel so much less alone.

I'm praying for you and your children. Also sending positive thoughts for a bright and wonderful future.

Hugs,

db