I called CPS...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I had a nice long response typed out... and lost it to the cyber world!!! DOH!
A quick summary....
I feel so much better today. I'm clear on what I need to do. Fully accepting that I have no control over the outcome. CPS may do something, they may not. I just don't know. I have to wait and see. I'm okay with that.
In the meantime, I have contacted both of the kids' schools and talked to the directors/principals about what is going on. We are getting counselors set up for both kids.
I hope somebody out there reads this and it gives them courage. The call was scary - no doubt. But I feel so much stronger today. I have a clearer understanding of the family disease. It was so freeing to stop living with those secrets. My fears were the chains that held me captive. Yesterday, I finally found and used the key to unlock me.
A quick summary....
I feel so much better today. I'm clear on what I need to do. Fully accepting that I have no control over the outcome. CPS may do something, they may not. I just don't know. I have to wait and see. I'm okay with that.
In the meantime, I have contacted both of the kids' schools and talked to the directors/principals about what is going on. We are getting counselors set up for both kids.
I hope somebody out there reads this and it gives them courage. The call was scary - no doubt. But I feel so much stronger today. I have a clearer understanding of the family disease. It was so freeing to stop living with those secrets. My fears were the chains that held me captive. Yesterday, I finally found and used the key to unlock me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Just a thought... not sure if your AH is still allowed to see the kids, but I'd be sure to call the kids schools and tell them about the CPS call (like you did) but also ask them to call you before AH is allowed to pick them up and leave with them. I've worked in schools for a long time and there were always accomodations made (even if both parents still had equal custody) when there was a question of child safety. I'd hate to think that your AH would go get the kids and cause them harm, but it's better to be safe...
Just a thought...
Just a thought...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by GettingBy 
It was so freeing to stop living with those secrets. My fears were the chains that held me captive. Yesterday, I finally found and used the key to unlock me.
That first step - opening one's mouth and telling someone else - is often the hardest, but it does get easier and every time we take control of our situation, we feel stronger.
Thanks for sharing this, GB.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I almost had to do this a few weeks ago. It was the second time I have come close and each time I checked with our old marriage counselor and was told "tell him if it happens again, you will call CPS. Or just call."
Mine were supervision issues. I work in the system and I didn't want to call, so I applaud your bravery and like some others, I expect that I will one day be in your position. I am proud of you. Lean on us for support.
Mine were supervision issues. I work in the system and I didn't want to call, so I applaud your bravery and like some others, I expect that I will one day be in your position. I am proud of you. Lean on us for support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Stella,
Thank you for your post. I have struggled with whether or not I should have given him a "warning" (do it again and I'll call CPS)... but then considered that what had happened was not an isolated incident... And my words have no power over him.
Tonight I am struggling with guilt for my decision. Yesterday I had overwhelming support... Today, I have had a few people state that my decision was an attempt to force a situation. I have been told that it was irrational and that the outcome will probably be far worse for my AH than I have any comprehension. Boy, does that feed my codependency.
I still don't know what the outcome will be. They interviewed the kids. They can't say what the kids told them. I have to meet the case worker at my home tomorrow afternoon. I just don't know. And tonight, that is scary for me.
Thank you for your post. I have struggled with whether or not I should have given him a "warning" (do it again and I'll call CPS)... but then considered that what had happened was not an isolated incident... And my words have no power over him.
Tonight I am struggling with guilt for my decision. Yesterday I had overwhelming support... Today, I have had a few people state that my decision was an attempt to force a situation. I have been told that it was irrational and that the outcome will probably be far worse for my AH than I have any comprehension. Boy, does that feed my codependency.
I still don't know what the outcome will be. They interviewed the kids. They can't say what the kids told them. I have to meet the case worker at my home tomorrow afternoon. I just don't know. And tonight, that is scary for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by GettingBy
Tonight I am struggling with guilt for my decision. Yesterday I had overwhelming support... Today, I have had a few people state that my decision was an attempt to force a situation. I have been told that it was irrational and that the outcome will probably be far worse for my AH than I have any comprehension. Boy, does that feed my codependency.
Peace to you,
L
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by GettingBy
I have been told that it was irrational and that the outcome will probably be far worse for my AH than I have any comprehension.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
(((GB))) If I understand you correctly, he would have been reported to CPS by one of TWO professionals if you did not call yourself. Right?
This was going to happen based on HIS OWN action admitted to in front of one of those professionals.
Pray, trust in the process, love your children!
Hugs and prayers for you all! HG
This was going to happen based on HIS OWN action admitted to in front of one of those professionals.
Pray, trust in the process, love your children!
Hugs and prayers for you all! HG
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Question: If you think about it, is there a subconscious element to this guilt that says, "If only I had acted better/smarter/sooner/other I would have been able to avoid this, but instead I took the cheap/cheater/easy route and called him in..." - the subconscious message here that your negative inner voice tells you is that you should have been able to manage the situation to change/avoid his behavior such that he didn't act in a way requiring you to call in.
In other words, STILL the belief that we should be able to influence their actions, and if we don't then it's our fault. This is so very, very deeply pervasive in codie thinking.
Release yourself - drag this inner voice out into the daylight and tell it you have no responsibility for how he chooses to behave, and if his behavior is UNACCEPTABLE, then it's UNACCEPTABLE, and you will advocate for your children to protect them from the UNACCEPTABLE.
And then brush your hands together, tilt your chin up, know it FEELS awful, but know that sometimes (often, in addiction) the right thing to do does feel awful, and allow yourself to go forward into the day, knowing you may feel awful, but that you did not choose to brush the UNACCEPTABLE under the rug, AGAIN.
Be proud of that - you took the sledge hammer and clanged on that intergenerational chain that sends addiction and dysfunction down through the rungs of generations. You took the first clanging step to break that chain and change the pathway down the generations. It will take many clangs to break that chain, but you have to start with the first ones, to begin to weaken that chain. It's the only way it will happen.
This is extremely courageous.
CLMI
In other words, STILL the belief that we should be able to influence their actions, and if we don't then it's our fault. This is so very, very deeply pervasive in codie thinking.
Release yourself - drag this inner voice out into the daylight and tell it you have no responsibility for how he chooses to behave, and if his behavior is UNACCEPTABLE, then it's UNACCEPTABLE, and you will advocate for your children to protect them from the UNACCEPTABLE.
And then brush your hands together, tilt your chin up, know it FEELS awful, but know that sometimes (often, in addiction) the right thing to do does feel awful, and allow yourself to go forward into the day, knowing you may feel awful, but that you did not choose to brush the UNACCEPTABLE under the rug, AGAIN.
Be proud of that - you took the sledge hammer and clanged on that intergenerational chain that sends addiction and dysfunction down through the rungs of generations. You took the first clanging step to break that chain and change the pathway down the generations. It will take many clangs to break that chain, but you have to start with the first ones, to begin to weaken that chain. It's the only way it will happen.
This is extremely courageous.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: South Florida
Posts: 29
Dear Shannon,
I have read alot of your posts and your story is so similar to mine. I wish I had the courage to do what you have, instead my daughter had to make the call - 911. Police took him out that night and dcf was at my house the very next day. They interviewed me and my children. I swear I hated every minute the process. It sucks! I became powerless to the process.
Two days later I spoke to the State's Attorney office, I actually was trying to break the RO the state implemented so he could come home. Talk about denial... I was transferred to a councelor who is emplyed to help the victims in domestic violence cases and still felt they just didn't understand 'our' situation. "It will be fine". After an hour long conversation one thing stood out that she said to me. "If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your girls."
That was over five months ago. I still cannot get that thought out of my head. Every day I remind myself of that. It has become what I live by no matter what choices I need to make. Since that night I took everything I owned and my girls and I moved out. I'm here to tell you it has not been easy but unbelievably it does get better every day! I have alot of ups and downs through this recovery of mine but I honestly can't remember a day that my kids actually seemed happier, nor I. How can anyone living in that chaos?
Shannon, please, feel good about your decision, when you make them for your innocent children how can it be wrong?
I'm sending you thoughts and prayers and friendship and hugs from the bright end of the tunnel.
Your SR friend...
It's All About The Girls
I have read alot of your posts and your story is so similar to mine. I wish I had the courage to do what you have, instead my daughter had to make the call - 911. Police took him out that night and dcf was at my house the very next day. They interviewed me and my children. I swear I hated every minute the process. It sucks! I became powerless to the process.
Two days later I spoke to the State's Attorney office, I actually was trying to break the RO the state implemented so he could come home. Talk about denial... I was transferred to a councelor who is emplyed to help the victims in domestic violence cases and still felt they just didn't understand 'our' situation. "It will be fine". After an hour long conversation one thing stood out that she said to me. "If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your girls."
That was over five months ago. I still cannot get that thought out of my head. Every day I remind myself of that. It has become what I live by no matter what choices I need to make. Since that night I took everything I owned and my girls and I moved out. I'm here to tell you it has not been easy but unbelievably it does get better every day! I have alot of ups and downs through this recovery of mine but I honestly can't remember a day that my kids actually seemed happier, nor I. How can anyone living in that chaos?
Shannon, please, feel good about your decision, when you make them for your innocent children how can it be wrong?
I'm sending you thoughts and prayers and friendship and hugs from the bright end of the tunnel.
Your SR friend...
It's All About The Girls
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by catlovermi
Question: If you think about it, is there a subconscious element to this guilt that says, "If only I had acted better/smarter/sooner/other I would have been able to avoid this, but instead I took the cheap/cheater/easy route and called him in..." - the subconscious message here that your negative inner voice tells you is that you should have been able to manage the situation to change/avoid his behavior such that he didn't act in a way requiring you to call in.
In other words, STILL the belief that we should be able to influence their actions, and if we don't then it's our fault. This is so very, very deeply pervasive in codie thinking.
Release yourself - drag this inner voice out into the daylight and tell it you have no responsibility for how he chooses to behave, and if his behavior is UNACCEPTABLE, then it's UNACCEPTABLE, and you will advocate for your children to protect them from the UNACCEPTABLE.
And then brush your hands together, tilt your chin up, know it FEELS awful, but know that sometimes (often, in addiction) the right thing to do does feel awful, and allow yourself to go forward into the day, knowing you may feel awful, but that you did not choose to brush the UNACCEPTABLE under the rug, AGAIN.
Be proud of that - you took the sledge hammer and clanged on that intergenerational chain that sends addiction and dysfunction down through the rungs of generations. You took the first clanging step to break that chain and change the pathway down the generations. It will take many clangs to break that chain, but you have to start with the first ones, to begin to weaken that chain. It's the only way it will happen.
This is extremely courageous.
CLMI
In other words, STILL the belief that we should be able to influence their actions, and if we don't then it's our fault. This is so very, very deeply pervasive in codie thinking.
Release yourself - drag this inner voice out into the daylight and tell it you have no responsibility for how he chooses to behave, and if his behavior is UNACCEPTABLE, then it's UNACCEPTABLE, and you will advocate for your children to protect them from the UNACCEPTABLE.
And then brush your hands together, tilt your chin up, know it FEELS awful, but know that sometimes (often, in addiction) the right thing to do does feel awful, and allow yourself to go forward into the day, knowing you may feel awful, but that you did not choose to brush the UNACCEPTABLE under the rug, AGAIN.
Be proud of that - you took the sledge hammer and clanged on that intergenerational chain that sends addiction and dysfunction down through the rungs of generations. You took the first clanging step to break that chain and change the pathway down the generations. It will take many clangs to break that chain, but you have to start with the first ones, to begin to weaken that chain. It's the only way it will happen.
This is extremely courageous.
CLMI
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Life is about choices, you made a choice to protect your children. Don't second guess yourself, you did the right thing.
Threats mean nothing to those in the throws of addiction, action, action and more action until you have taken back control of your life.
I commend you for doing the right thing.
Threats mean nothing to those in the throws of addiction, action, action and more action until you have taken back control of your life.
I commend you for doing the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by GettingBy
Tonight I am struggling with guilt for my decision. Yesterday I had overwhelming support... Today, I have had a few people state that my decision was an attempt to force a situation. I have been told that it was irrational and that the outcome will probably be far worse for my AH than I have any comprehension. Boy, does that feed my codependency.
This, above is precisely what I felt/went through/was told (even by my own mother so you can imagine what friends and family of AH said) when I called the police (and AH was arrested) this winter.
I won't lie. I still have pangs of "uh oh, should I have done that" and to combat this I've found it helpful to ask myself this: "if a friend described the scene I was a part of that led to my calling the police, what would I suggest to her?" Of course my answer is that the police should be called.
It's hard when it's us making the call bc we have been blamed, told we're over-reacting, made to feel guilty to standing up for ourselves for so long that we lose touch with what is reasonable (or even if we know it, we still have that guilt).
My recommedation is to cut all contact for now with ANYONE who is a nay sayer at all. Anyone contributing to your self doubt is not someone you need as part of your support network- at least right now.
You did the right thing, you've encouraged me to do whatever it takes to protect myself and my kids and you have done that for you and yours. You did NOTHING wrong and if the outcome is terrible, so be it. That's not your doing. That's the call of CPS based on the choices your AH makes.
Though alcoholism is a disease and alcoholics don't choose to have the disease, the fact of the matter is that there are laws that we all must follow and disease doesn't excuse someone from being accountable for their actions. If your AH has a terrible consequence for whatever happened, that's bc of choices he made and not bc of you.
Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
GB, The days are so busy, and the nights are hard, but you didn't have a choice. 2 professionals told you what you had to do. The neglect or abuse becomes yours when you ignore the counselors' advice. You are not responsible for what he does or what happens to him when you tell the truth to protect your kids. I hope you feel stronger today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Thank you all so much. The support and understanding means so much to me.
I do feel better today. I recited the serenity prayer about 100 times this morning... and it helped me put life back into proper perspective.
I cannot change AH, I cannot control what CPS decides to do, I cannot control how AH (or anyone else!!) reacts to CPS being involved.
What I can do is control my actions, decisions... I can use my tools. I can stay in the moment and do the next right thing for me and the kids. I can pray and have faith. I can read my literature or reach out to my support when I begin to spin.
This is a trying time, but for the first time in a very long time... I do have hope. I stood strong against my parents toxicity last night. It felt good to break the generational chain.
Thank you all again. I'm meeting with the social worker at 3pm. I will let you know how it goes.
I do feel better today. I recited the serenity prayer about 100 times this morning... and it helped me put life back into proper perspective.
I cannot change AH, I cannot control what CPS decides to do, I cannot control how AH (or anyone else!!) reacts to CPS being involved.
What I can do is control my actions, decisions... I can use my tools. I can stay in the moment and do the next right thing for me and the kids. I can pray and have faith. I can read my literature or reach out to my support when I begin to spin.
This is a trying time, but for the first time in a very long time... I do have hope. I stood strong against my parents toxicity last night. It felt good to break the generational chain.
Thank you all again. I'm meeting with the social worker at 3pm. I will let you know how it goes.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
You sound so healthy. Be encouraged by your strength.
I soooooo hate this culture that somehow the person that reports wrongdoing is sometimes judged more harshly than the person who committed the act. It makes it so hard for someone in your circumstances to not second and third-guess their motives. As someone else said, you don't need to be around naysayers at this time. You are right to limit their access to you.
He was going to be reported in any event, it is better that it came from you.
I soooooo hate this culture that somehow the person that reports wrongdoing is sometimes judged more harshly than the person who committed the act. It makes it so hard for someone in your circumstances to not second and third-guess their motives. As someone else said, you don't need to be around naysayers at this time. You are right to limit their access to you.
He was going to be reported in any event, it is better that it came from you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Hey Folks -
A brief update... I met with the social worker at our house. She advised me that our daughter confirmed my interview - she confirmed my AH punishing our son but she could not confirm the abusive part (she didn't see). My son confirmed almost the entire story as well - up to the part where AH began his "punishment" - then he clammed up and said, "I don't want to talk anymore." The social worker said that is normal for a child to not want to betray a parent particularly if there is aggressive/abusive behavior involved.
They still need to interview AH (he's been out of town for a week - thank god)... so she said the outcome of this really depends on how he reacts. It will go one of two ways - either get much worse or he gets scared ******** and hits bottom. I have no clue what to expect at this point. I am going to my counselor this afternoon to prep myself for the weekend. AH will find out about the investigation via mail this afternoon.
I was initially afraid and felt like I needed to defend/justify why I called... then I remembered that I did NOTHING wrong. CPS getting involved is a consequence of his choices... that's it. THe kids and I have a bag packed and in the back of the car so that we can get the hell out of dodge at a moments notice.
I'm done screwing around.
A brief update... I met with the social worker at our house. She advised me that our daughter confirmed my interview - she confirmed my AH punishing our son but she could not confirm the abusive part (she didn't see). My son confirmed almost the entire story as well - up to the part where AH began his "punishment" - then he clammed up and said, "I don't want to talk anymore." The social worker said that is normal for a child to not want to betray a parent particularly if there is aggressive/abusive behavior involved.
They still need to interview AH (he's been out of town for a week - thank god)... so she said the outcome of this really depends on how he reacts. It will go one of two ways - either get much worse or he gets scared ******** and hits bottom. I have no clue what to expect at this point. I am going to my counselor this afternoon to prep myself for the weekend. AH will find out about the investigation via mail this afternoon.
I was initially afraid and felt like I needed to defend/justify why I called... then I remembered that I did NOTHING wrong. CPS getting involved is a consequence of his choices... that's it. THe kids and I have a bag packed and in the back of the car so that we can get the hell out of dodge at a moments notice.
I'm done screwing around.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
