Reflecting....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Reflecting....
On the eve of my 50th birthday I am reflecting on my life, or more accurately the last four years of my life….
I joined SR at about that time, freshly removed from living with an active alcoholic; married to him for 25 years. I was a MESS of mixed up emotions. During that four years I lived more life and felt more feelings than I have felt in all the 40-some years leading up to it.
I went to Al-anon, listened and learned and healed. I found a sponsor, I worked the steps. I prayed, and felt God’s presence in my life stronger than I ever have. I do not miss the immense pain and strength of the emotions I processed during that time; but I do miss the closeness I felt with my Higher Power, and how much my faith grew during that time.
I saw how much damage had been done to my daughter. I tried to be strong for her, but showed her I was human and was also weak and damaged. I took her to therapy, where she learned many things. And our relationship thrived, she is almost a grown woman now, and so much wiser than I was at that age!
I met someone very special. We are getting married on Friday.
But, not everything has been rosy….
My son was living away from home when his Dad and I divorced. I was such a wreck at the time, and so adamant about not villianizing my EX, that I never really talked to my son about what happened at home. He has grown into an amazing young man, married and expecting a baby. A devout Christian; and while he was once a “partier” he no longer abuses alcohol.
I felt the distance in our relationship widening over time. So, yesterday, I finally had a heart-to-heart with him. He did not know of his Dad’s alcoholism – my Ex hides it very well. I tried to explain how I could not live with his father’s drinking and lying; and gave him some examples. My son sobbed, his pain was still so fresh and raw. He is very close to his father. He beliefs me, and wondered if I did enough to help his Dad. I could only tell him that I did all I could, and that I was in extreme pain when I left.
He, my 22 year old son, told me that marriage is supposed to be forever. I told him I was so happy that he has those values; and that I had those values, too. That when I moved out I hoped it was not permanent; but that I had done all I could and I could not watch his father drink himself to death. I had to save myself.
He does not like my fiancé…. I told him I hoped he would spend more time with us and get to know him better. I told my fiancé of our conversation, and it hurt him deeply to hear it – even though we both could tell it by my son’s actions.
I feel good that I could finally talk to my son. I feel a little hopeful that our relationship can be mended. I feel very proud that my son who had some legal issues with alcohol as a teenager has committed to a sober life and has a strong relationship with God. I hope that he can become more educated on alcoholism and how it affects the entire family. I hope he can accept my marriage, and I hope I can spoil my new (and first) grandbaby!
Thanks for listening…..
I joined SR at about that time, freshly removed from living with an active alcoholic; married to him for 25 years. I was a MESS of mixed up emotions. During that four years I lived more life and felt more feelings than I have felt in all the 40-some years leading up to it.
I went to Al-anon, listened and learned and healed. I found a sponsor, I worked the steps. I prayed, and felt God’s presence in my life stronger than I ever have. I do not miss the immense pain and strength of the emotions I processed during that time; but I do miss the closeness I felt with my Higher Power, and how much my faith grew during that time.
I saw how much damage had been done to my daughter. I tried to be strong for her, but showed her I was human and was also weak and damaged. I took her to therapy, where she learned many things. And our relationship thrived, she is almost a grown woman now, and so much wiser than I was at that age!
I met someone very special. We are getting married on Friday.
But, not everything has been rosy….
My son was living away from home when his Dad and I divorced. I was such a wreck at the time, and so adamant about not villianizing my EX, that I never really talked to my son about what happened at home. He has grown into an amazing young man, married and expecting a baby. A devout Christian; and while he was once a “partier” he no longer abuses alcohol.
I felt the distance in our relationship widening over time. So, yesterday, I finally had a heart-to-heart with him. He did not know of his Dad’s alcoholism – my Ex hides it very well. I tried to explain how I could not live with his father’s drinking and lying; and gave him some examples. My son sobbed, his pain was still so fresh and raw. He is very close to his father. He beliefs me, and wondered if I did enough to help his Dad. I could only tell him that I did all I could, and that I was in extreme pain when I left.
He, my 22 year old son, told me that marriage is supposed to be forever. I told him I was so happy that he has those values; and that I had those values, too. That when I moved out I hoped it was not permanent; but that I had done all I could and I could not watch his father drink himself to death. I had to save myself.
He does not like my fiancé…. I told him I hoped he would spend more time with us and get to know him better. I told my fiancé of our conversation, and it hurt him deeply to hear it – even though we both could tell it by my son’s actions.
I feel good that I could finally talk to my son. I feel a little hopeful that our relationship can be mended. I feel very proud that my son who had some legal issues with alcohol as a teenager has committed to a sober life and has a strong relationship with God. I hope that he can become more educated on alcoholism and how it affects the entire family. I hope he can accept my marriage, and I hope I can spoil my new (and first) grandbaby!
Thanks for listening…..
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Happy birthday, Happy Wedding Day, happy rest of your life............
As far as your son like liking your soon to be husband. Give it some time. I am certain when he sees how happy you are, and how much your new husband loves and treasures you, he will come around. Perhaps with time, they will form their own relationship. I think that new grandbaby is going to bring plenty of love to all of you.
Congrats on your new life.
As far as your son like liking your soon to be husband. Give it some time. I am certain when he sees how happy you are, and how much your new husband loves and treasures you, he will come around. Perhaps with time, they will form their own relationship. I think that new grandbaby is going to bring plenty of love to all of you.
Congrats on your new life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
It seems logical to me that if your son just received the information why you divorced, he needs some time to process through this as a first step. Without processing that first he will be resistant to the idea of you marrying again.
CLMI
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Congrats on the wedding, hopefully your son will come to SR, read some of the posts and understand what it was like to be in your shoes.
I never understood my fathers infidelity until I got a grasp on my mothers alcoholism and self-absorbed personality.
I told my dad I did not agree with what he was doing and would rather that he divorce my mother than cheat on her, he told me that he had always loved my mother very deeply and that she had only used him for stability and a paycheck (in time I came to realize this was true).
My dad said if he divorced her she would drink herself to death at a much faster rate than she is currently.
Anyway give your son some time, at 22 he is idealistic and cannot see the pain his father caused you.
Best of luck in your new marriage,
WBD
I never understood my fathers infidelity until I got a grasp on my mothers alcoholism and self-absorbed personality.
I told my dad I did not agree with what he was doing and would rather that he divorce my mother than cheat on her, he told me that he had always loved my mother very deeply and that she had only used him for stability and a paycheck (in time I came to realize this was true).
My dad said if he divorced her she would drink herself to death at a much faster rate than she is currently.
Anyway give your son some time, at 22 he is idealistic and cannot see the pain his father caused you.
Best of luck in your new marriage,
WBD
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Thank you everyone.
CLMI, yes I agree; he will need time to process the information.
I know neither of us were ready four years ago to have this talk. I was in too much pain, and I felt horribly guilty and was blaming myself and feeling selfish because I could not put up with his Dad anymore. He was, well..... he was a teenager with a negative attitude and a big chip on his shoulder....
I am paying the price for living a lie for so long. I was unhappy, but pretended that everything was fine. So, when I left, it seemed sudden to so many people. People didn't know, because I didn't let people know. People that support my EX because he is alone, disabled, and "seemingly" helpless. They don't know that he spends his days drinking; and that there is much help for him with both his drinking and his disability; if he were to accept that help.
In trying to make sure that people did not feel they needed to take sides, I never even put my "side" out there. And I am also not playing the role within my family of origin that everyone was used to; so I have strained relationships with my siblings.
It just seems so hard today, when I feel neglected by people that used to be so close to me.
I am going to let myself feel sad, and let it go. And I am going to appreciate what I get - Like the "happy birthday baby" from my fiance right after the alarm went off, and the homegrown watermelon a co-worker brought and put on my desk.... with the perfect b-day card (of a clown in a garbage can.... cuz she knows I hate clowns).
Thanks all!
CLMI, yes I agree; he will need time to process the information.
I know neither of us were ready four years ago to have this talk. I was in too much pain, and I felt horribly guilty and was blaming myself and feeling selfish because I could not put up with his Dad anymore. He was, well..... he was a teenager with a negative attitude and a big chip on his shoulder....
I am paying the price for living a lie for so long. I was unhappy, but pretended that everything was fine. So, when I left, it seemed sudden to so many people. People didn't know, because I didn't let people know. People that support my EX because he is alone, disabled, and "seemingly" helpless. They don't know that he spends his days drinking; and that there is much help for him with both his drinking and his disability; if he were to accept that help.
In trying to make sure that people did not feel they needed to take sides, I never even put my "side" out there. And I am also not playing the role within my family of origin that everyone was used to; so I have strained relationships with my siblings.
It just seems so hard today, when I feel neglected by people that used to be so close to me.
I am going to let myself feel sad, and let it go. And I am going to appreciate what I get - Like the "happy birthday baby" from my fiance right after the alarm went off, and the homegrown watermelon a co-worker brought and put on my desk.... with the perfect b-day card (of a clown in a garbage can.... cuz she knows I hate clowns).
Thanks all!
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