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They aren't even unique...

Old 09-25-2011, 07:34 PM
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They aren't even unique...

The more I read posts and listen to others....I realize that many of the lines they use are the same!! Some I just read today - using the kids as pawns, it's your fault if you would have just been there for me....there are thosands more I have read here and think seriously some of us must have had a clone of anothers husband, because they are quoting each other. Peraps theres a forum somewhere they all go to and then they find out what the best blaming, guilty statements are and use those...seriously though the similarities between so many peoples storis are astounding to me. It has given me great comfort to know I am not alone, clarity to show that really it is them, and the strength to move forward, knowing others have face it before. I just wanted to say thanks to all who have shared here!
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Old 09-25-2011, 07:39 PM
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Nope, not unique at all. Many alcoholics like to think they are unique, but I don't believe so. We all share similar, if not the same, behaviors and characteristics. I did it. I was a master of blame and denial.
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Old 09-25-2011, 10:12 PM
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They all read the same book, " How to be an alcoholic and screw up other people's lives"...........
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Old 09-26-2011, 04:40 AM
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Marie.....

I wish I had a dollar for every time someone new comes on board and says "He's/she's Different", "When he/she is not drinking/drugging he/she is a wonderful caring person", "He/she only abuses me when he/she is drinking/drugging".

The truth is they are all cut from the same mold, they all do and say basically all the same things. While drinking/drugging might magnify their personal issue, they are still there whether they drink or not, it is part of their personality.I think Marie is right, they have a book!
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Old 09-26-2011, 07:01 AM
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Unfortunately, we all have a tendency to believe we are unique. How often does the story of some friend or family member of an alcoholic ring true? How often do you find yourself saying "Yep, I tried that too. Didn't work for me either." when reading someone else's story.

Our firm belief that "we are unique" or that "our relationship with our addicted love one is special" is often why it takes soooooo long for us to learn new ways to protect ourselves and to relate to our loved ones.

Hugs, HG
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Old 09-26-2011, 07:03 AM
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We all use any excuse (not reason - ain't no reason) to drink. Anger and blame are some of the easiest. We will often go out of our way to find something to be pissed about to "justify" drinking. Poor me, nobody understands, if you had my life ... Unique - not so much.
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Old 09-26-2011, 07:32 AM
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Originally Posted by FreeingMyself View Post
it's your fault if you would have just been there for me....
This one is my favorite.

A variation of "I don't have support! I not only need support, but I deserve support on account of the huge personal sacrifice I am making by trying not to get drunk. If I don't get some support here, from everyone, I will get drunk, over and over again!"

On another note, maybe I should change my name on here. :-)
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Old 09-26-2011, 07:49 AM
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It really is remarkable how similar the behaviors, manipulations, justifications, quacks, and bs that they throw at us all are.

And similarly, I imagine that those of us who've been in the throws of living with and loving an A probably share very very similar behaviors/language/excuses for them etc...

The difference is that our behaviors generally don't become abusive in the way that A's project everything on to us.

I'd have far more empathy and tolerance for my stbxAH if he were the type of A who harmed only himself. His "drug" of choice, in addition to booze, is to try to drag those around him down with him too.
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Old 09-26-2011, 09:43 AM
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'd have far more empathy and tolerance for my stbxAH if he were the type of A who harmed only himself. His "drug" of choice, in addition to booze, is to try to drag those around him down with him too.

But I'm sure you are too strong to allow that to happen!
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Old 09-26-2011, 10:08 AM
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I agree...there is no uniqueness in alcoholic behaviors. Going to Al-Anon and participating here taught me that, thank goodness.

And I am not unique either...just a single Mom in a bad situation trying to make it right again. There are millions of "me" out there, and that's great! Because I don't have to walk through my own struggles alone, even when I feel completely alone.
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Old 09-29-2011, 01:06 PM
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Originally Posted by FreeingMyself View Post
The more I read posts and listen to others....I realize that many of the lines they use are the same!! Some I just read today - using the kids as pawns, it's your fault if you would have just been there for me....there are thosands more I have read here and think seriously some of us must have had a clone of anothers husband, because they are quoting each other. Peraps theres a forum somewhere they all go to and then they find out what the best blaming, guilty statements are and use those...seriously though the similarities between so many peoples storis are astounding to me. It has given me great comfort to know I am not alone, clarity to show that really it is them, and the strength to move forward, knowing others have face it before. I just wanted to say thanks to all who have shared here!
This is what struck me the first time I attended an Al-Anon meeting, right after I had the cops get my now-ex husband out of the house.

Everyone was talking about the EXACT SAME PERSON. Oh, they might have been male, female, old, young, mother, wife, husband, father, son, daughter...but we were all talking about exactly the same person. They said the same things, did the same things, treated us the same way.

It was a relief in a way. For years I had wondered why I couldn't get through: "Maybe if I say it THIS way, he'll understand what I mean..." and after that one meeting I knew it wasn't me.

It WAS me that allowed him to treat me the way he did, so I had to work on that part, of course!
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Old 09-29-2011, 01:08 PM
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I heard a quote that said

Al-anon, where a group of complete strangers get together to reminisce.

Your friend,
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Old 09-29-2011, 01:09 PM
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Originally Posted by hydrogirl View Post
Unfortunately, we all have a tendency to believe we are unique. How often does the story of some friend or family member of an alcoholic ring true? How often do you find yourself saying "Yep, I tried that too. Didn't work for me either." when reading someone else's story.

Our firm belief that "we are unique" or that "our relationship with our addicted love one is special" is often why it takes soooooo long for us to learn new ways to protect ourselves and to relate to our loved ones.

Hugs, HG
This is very true. If I hear or read of some young woman (could be a guy, of course) talking about her bf who "drinks too much" and then does and says things that hurt her badly, qualifying it with how nice/kind/funny/compassionate/SPECIAL a person he USUALLY is...I have no patience.

No, dear, he knows how to ACT that way to win you over, but he's not really a nice guy. At all. And he's not special. He is an alcoholic.
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Old 09-29-2011, 09:16 PM
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I had a thought about this the other night, as I went to an AA meeting, and then my Al-Anon meeting right after.

So many of the little details of life with an alcoholic are different, one from another. Their experiences of being an alcoholic are different too. But the 'big picture' is what makes them and us all the same.

Careful when you have an AH going to AA, then the huge takeaway he got was, "I'm not that bad." Look at the big picture dude, not the small details.

Sue

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Old 09-30-2011, 11:45 AM
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Originally Posted by hydrogirl View Post
Unfortunately, we all have a tendency to believe we are unique. How often does the story of some friend or family member of an alcoholic ring true? How often do you find yourself saying "Yep, I tried that too. Didn't work for me either." when reading someone else's story.

Our firm belief that "we are unique" or that "our relationship with our addicted love one is special" is often why it takes soooooo long for us to learn new ways to protect ourselves and to relate to our loved ones.

Hugs, HG
So rings true
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