How can I tell the difference between normal people stuff and Alcoholic stuff?
 

I'm frustrated.

My RAH won't listen to ANYTHING I say. He claims he does but he doesn't.

today...
He has a meeting that he commited to attend.
So 3 hours before he has to leave he decides...gee it's a good time to mow, edge and blow the lawn.

then he's running late to get ready...
and has already commited to make something (food wise) for the mtg so he's rushed and puts together his potluck item...nothing super crazy hard or anything..but the whole time I'm getting subtle signals he wants me to do it...

My feelings are very much...your commitment you do it.

He jumps in the shower...very short on time and asks me to take his stuff out of the oven. I go in and discover he A: didn't set it for teh right temp. B: he didn't set it for the right time C: they are burning on the bottom but not cooking on the top....because he's got two cookie sheets in the oven and the air can't circulate.

I go tell him I'm taking them out. He's irritated. Running late and says throw them in the fridge and he'll deal with them later. He's leaves all mad that I couldn't somehow 'fix' his problem for him.

OMG...really!!!!!

so I just flipped them and put them back in the oven covered w/ foil...ONE pan at a time...and they are fine. But why is it MY fault he screwed up and is his blaming me part of a normal man thing or a "A" man thing.

It's a jerk thing. ;)

TY.
I have a hard time distinguishing normal relationship issues and problems from those that are Alcoholism specific.

I know my RAH is at best a selfish and self centered drinking or not. so ....man...this is so hard.

Some people are just needy and self-absorbed, some it has to do with the fact that mommy did everything for him and he has never lifted a finger around the house, some it may be that he just thinks you should kiss his butt.

I understand this post.

I had some good boundaries in place around alcohol, but it was this kind of stuff that I had NO boundaries about with my husband.

I don't know the answer I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in being confused by this.

Sometimes alcohol gets blamed for things that it really doesn't deserve. Some people are just jerks, or self-absorbed, vain, rude, etc. That's why sometimes when a partner gets sober, the relationship still doesn't work because alcohol was only one part of the problem.

Most think when an alcoholic stops drinking their entire personality will change for the better, nope it won't, if they are jerks before they started drinking they will be jerks after they stop drinking.

As I like to say...Wring the alcohol out of an asshat and you've still got an asshat.

That's hilarious Suki, how come a simple domestic chore can become such a chew - it's symbolic of the deeper chaos in the other persons life?

Ok, just to throw an idea out there...and, I could be completely talking about myself just as much in the situation you described, but...

what if, it was *you* thinking he was blaming you for his bad decisions and really, he was just frustrated at himself---and then kind of being a jerk about it?

We, alcoholics and not, make stupid mistakes all the time, and there is NO reason or explanation for it. And most of us are our own worst critics.

What if, perhaps, he was just plain mad, and not 'mad at you'?

I truly have detached to the point that something like this would just pass right by me. Maybe a "Gosh, that didn't quite happen with the greatest result, but hey, stuff happens." ...

Analyzing everything has gotten me into lots of trouble with this kind of thing. I do not internalize these type situations anymore.

Is that something that resonates with you at all?

When a situation like you describe comes up I look at in reverse. IOW if you were going to a meeting and you wanted to honor your commitment to bring some food but were pressed for time, what might you do.

For me, I would maybe ask my AH to help me or I would buy something on the way or I would just not bring something and apologize.

If you look at it this way than maybe you could just step away from your RAH and let him deal with it himself.

I find it much more peaceful when I step away from what my RAH is doing unless he asks me directly and than, well you know, that is a whole other story as I do have to side step any manipulation that may be heading my way.

Sometimes I offer my help but if RAH is huffing and puffing I usually avoid that as I don't want to put myself in a position to be blamed.

Life with an A! I guess I am saying is I don't think normal people stuff can ever be normal between A's and codies.

Analyzing everything has gotten me into lots of trouble with this kind of thing. I do not internalize these type situations anymore.

I used to do this all the time. Always ready to make it about me and taking blame, whether it was laid on me or not. I used to do it with my AH and just about everyone else in my life too!

Learning to detach from chaos and to only take blame that actually belongs to me has been one of Alanon's greatest gifts.

I'd say it's normal people stuff.

I have days like this, where I'm just irritated for no reason. Everything gets on my nerves, I snap at people and I'm frustrated, and then I realize I'm acting badly and calm myself down, giving apologies to whoever deserves one. Is it possible he was stressed out, frustrated at himself for losing track of time, or nervous about the meeting?

I sort of feel like I have no business posting here because I don't know you or your husband, or if things like this happen frequently, but maybe there's a simple explanation for it.

Ya know - I am with both Skipper and Suki on this one. Having lived situations like this - I think its partly a bad mood/poor planning thing and you were just in splatter range and partly your man being unable to deal with frustration well. But...not letting it affect you is key, because it may be that this is a behavior that won't change.

His irritation/frustration/bad mood is not your problem, nor your responsibility. Ignore it!

Good point AnvilHead. I'm not really sure at what point in my recovery that good time management skills started to develop. Probably at the point where I realized that everything isn't an emergency and not everything has to be done today. He just isn't there yet and tried to do too much with too little time.

If he didn't ask for help I would just step back and let him deal with it. I'd probably laugh some when he wasn't around.

So, focus on your recovery and sit back and enjoy the ride.

Your friend,

He actually sounds a little codependent in that he got himself into a fix, did not ask directly for help when he needed it, expected you to read his mind, and then became angry and huffy when you did not......

Perhaps both his time management and baking skills will improve with time? :c031: