An Ugly Scene
 

I'd just like to share what happened this afternoon-it may help to reduce my anger! I thought R seemed a bit flaky earlier today but not obviously drunk.
She asked me to buy stuff for dinner and seemed quite happy to cook. It's been a lovely day and I took mum out to the beach (we live on the coast). She is 87 and has Alzheimers but she really welcomes our little trips out-she is in a residential home. I thought she might enjoy having dinner with us, that includes our 18 yr old daughter.
When we got home R was obviously more odd, and had missed out cooking a few things-when myself and my daughter asked why I could see the simmering anger escalating. Then the scene-' there isn't enough food for me then' and why is your .....mother eating here when her meals are all paid for? I worked all these ......years and you are giving my food to your mum-all this in front of mum and daughter. Mum seems to have become the focus of a lot of R's anger.
Thankfully mum didn't really understand what went on, she is quite oblivious to a lot of stuff, but I had a bit of a job staying cool. Both myself and my daughter just walked away from it. Later on R like a child that needs consoling sitting tearful in the lounge.
What a lovely day it was, I'm not going to let it be ruined altogether!

I'm so sorry that this happened. A friend of mine has an aunt who has Alzheimers, when he comes up to see me, we take his aunt out to eat, or over to our friends house just for a change of pace for her. I don't know her long, but I enjoy the time that I spend with her, and it leaves me with a good feeling of making at least one day different for her.

Forget about R right now, and just sit with the good feeling that you had today, and the wonderful time that you spent with your mother and your daughter.

(Hugs)

Many thanks Amy, and a hug for you too!

That's the 'control' aspect of the alcoholism. R didn't picture the afternoon quite the way it was turning out, and she lashed out. No big deal to the rest of us in the world. Her mind was blown over this, obviously!

I'm sorry this happened, and I wish you serenity!!

Sorry for the way R treated your mum, but I am so glad you could stay positive and make it a great day for her, good job!

Thanks folks, it really is a good feeling having been to Al -Anon and realising the power of detachment-it works a treat.

bad day
 

My wife has been in recovery for 2 yrs. When she was drinking things were terrible. She was angry, destructive, and very mean. Forget that she was always unavailable as a friend or spouse. If she wasn't lashing out about something, it was a good day. Then she entered recovery, and for 2 yrs things got better. Underlying issues that she struggled with seemed to be accessible, and I had hoped we were on a path to a happier future, not perfect, just happier. Then yesterday I noticed she seemed a bit 'off'. She said she was going to sit in the garden and read. After a while I went out to say hi, and as I walked in the garden she quickly hid a drink behind a table. She could see from the look on my face I saw it. I asked her what it was and she said "she had been bad and had a drink" like a little girl confessing something. I went over and found a bottle of wine hidden in the pine mulch next to her chair. She said she had just started drinking that week, and confessed that all the wine she had hidden was in a cabinet on the porch. I found an empty 4 pack of small wine bottles. Se swears that is all there is. I feel so betrayed, so angry. I don't believe she is telling the truth. Today I feel like crap. I love my wife, want to support her. I also understand this is a disease, and recovery is forever. I get it doesn't have to be anything except round two, but I am so upset. I will not live in a world dominated by lying. I am willing to be her friend, supporter, whatever...but not a chump. I have bent over backwards trying to be supportive, talking, sharing. But if she would rather drink than be in a relationship....If she had come to me and told me she had relapsed we would have dealt with it. But catching her means that it might have gone on, it means she was willing deceiving me. What does that means for trust? What kind of relationship do you have without trust? I don't want to spend the rest of my life on a roller coaster. I'm sorry to vent like this, but I needed to write this down, I guess. I needed to get this out there. Tomorrow I'll access my support systems, but today is tough.

Please don't apologise, everyone on here will know just how you feel-I certainly do because my day had some of that uncertainty-I hope you have the support of Al Anon.

:ring

Sorry to see all this happen for you, but you are in the right place. Please read all the permanent posts (we call them stickies) at the top of the FFA page. There is a lot of helpful information for you.

Trust, deceit, roller coasters...those are issues we know about very well.

This is a good place for support and we also very gently recommend Al-anon as a place to go for personal, face-to-face support.

There are some readings that have been very helpful to most of us, too.

Welcome!! And please post questions, comments, rants...whatever you need.

This is the place to vent, I am glad you chose to do it here rather than get into a confrontation that would have probably accomplished nothing.

Please hang in there, I wish I had some words of wisdom, my dad has put up with this from my mom for 40 years, he loves her too much to leave her, he has sacrificed his own happiness over and over, please don't let this be you somewhere down the road.

Peace be with you,

You're leaps ahead of where I'd be in your shoes I think.... It sucks that your wife pulled the crap she did with your mom there (or even with her not there) and I'm glad that you were able to not let it ruin your whole day...

Painterman, sending a big hug across the pond, and lots of positive energy. My mom also had alzheimer's. I understand what you are going thru.........

Glad you are able to have some quality time with your mom. Take care of you.......

No wisdom...just a huge hug and wishes for your peace. It just seems that they HAVE to have some target for their own inner demons. Your mom surely didn't deserve it, and is more vulnerable than most.
The demons make no sense. But that is why they are demons to start with, huh??

Thank you all, I think what really gets me, and I know it sounds like a cliche, but my mum is such a sweet little lady who is kind to everyone-when I took her home she said to R 'thanks for having me' R didn't even look up...what an ..........
Your support and hugs are really appreciated!

Well, this has been an inspirational thread for me. Thanks for posting and letting us see how you handle it.

I am so sad for you and your family, but thankful that your mum was unable to realise just what a nasty cow your AW was acting like. It says a lot that an old lady with Alzheimers still has more social skills and manners than her D-I-L who is supposed to be OK.

Truly the words and actions fueled by alcohol are legion and mostly offensive or damaging to those who love them.

Sending you a BIG hug and wishes for peace in heart and mind right now.

Painterman, manly hugs :) and cograts on the way you handled that. You are obviously doing well with your recovery.

Your friend,

Thank you Painterman for sharing your story.

Almost didn't post, but I have an embarrassing confession to make. I'm not an alcoholic ("just" a recovering adult child of an alcoholic) and I'm able to related to your wife's side of the story.

Not that I have ever been rude to an aging old woman with Alzheimers, but I have been triggered by things that throw me into an awful state were I'm not thinking clearly. I think Skippernlilg was correct in that it can have something to do with losing control or not having things work out the way you want to.

The strangest things can trigger a distance memory for me, I start feeling worthless, and end up sulking like a little girl again. Which isn't attractive on a 49 year-old-woman :-)

Recovery is helping me identify events that cause this and I'm trying to find more appropriate outlets for my anger.

Having been on both the giving and receiving end in similar situations, I do commend you for how you handled it. Although it is difficult in the moment, not engaging is the best thing to do. It doesn't reward the behavior and hopefully makes it less likely to occur in the future. Sort of like what you do when a toddler has a temper tantrum.

Thanks again for sharing. It helped me see myself in a different light.

Also, your mum is lucky to have you as a son. Wishing you many more lovely days on the coast with her in the future!

Warm Regards,

db

Thank you Mike, it's great to feel your support and db thanks also for giving me a bit more perspective from the other side, try as we might it's not possible to get inside someone elses head-we have a mini Indian summer here so I may enjoy a few more days out!
I'm so grateful for the kindness and support on SR.