How did you take your power back?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
How did you take your power back?
It's so easy to forget we have our own power sometimes. As I read through threads of sadness, and feeling lost, self blame, and missing someone, and wanting to reach out I am so reminded of how I felt all of those endless days.
I think it's good to remember how we got our power back when it seemed like it was in our addicts grip. Maybe for anyone who doesn't feel like they have the power right now it will give them some ideas, hope or inspiration.
I had tried to take my power back several times over the past few years, but always ended up giving it right back. I had changed my phone number a couple of years ago, but all it took was a couple of "i'm sorry, please forgive me's"...and I was like OK! Here's my number.
I wasn't ready. I hadn't had ENOUGH. I kept hoping for change and putting myself through a painful cycle of emotional abuse, hope and listening to drunken calls.
Honestly, you just KNOW when you've had enough. I had lost it when my XA left without a word of goodbye, just blame. I gave my power up.
I took my power back at the end of that moment. I had truly had enough. I blocked on facebook and changed my phone number.
And it's been that way ever since. No doors left ajar for him to contact me; I use to do that when I was trying to LOOK like I was taking my power back.
I feel I walked away in control, sure of my decision, and no desire to take it back. I didn't do it to prove anything to him, I did it for ME and my own sanity, health, well being and happiness. I got so tired of wondering when it would end. It ended when I wanted it to. No question.
I would LOVE to hear how some of you took your power back, if you feel like sharing. Maybe it will give others ideas on how to take theirs back too.
I think it's good to remember how we got our power back when it seemed like it was in our addicts grip. Maybe for anyone who doesn't feel like they have the power right now it will give them some ideas, hope or inspiration.
I had tried to take my power back several times over the past few years, but always ended up giving it right back. I had changed my phone number a couple of years ago, but all it took was a couple of "i'm sorry, please forgive me's"...and I was like OK! Here's my number.
I wasn't ready. I hadn't had ENOUGH. I kept hoping for change and putting myself through a painful cycle of emotional abuse, hope and listening to drunken calls.
Honestly, you just KNOW when you've had enough. I had lost it when my XA left without a word of goodbye, just blame. I gave my power up.
I took my power back at the end of that moment. I had truly had enough. I blocked on facebook and changed my phone number.
And it's been that way ever since. No doors left ajar for him to contact me; I use to do that when I was trying to LOOK like I was taking my power back.
I feel I walked away in control, sure of my decision, and no desire to take it back. I didn't do it to prove anything to him, I did it for ME and my own sanity, health, well being and happiness. I got so tired of wondering when it would end. It ended when I wanted it to. No question.
I would LOVE to hear how some of you took your power back, if you feel like sharing. Maybe it will give others ideas on how to take theirs back too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: boston ma
Posts: 70
Going no contact, with help of restraining order. Alanon helped a lot to teach me and give me courage to make major change and file for divorce. But nc really needed to be my boundary. I completely got rid of my Facebook b/c I'm so crazy after blocking him I'd still check what he was up to on friends via friends, etc. The ro helped me maintain nc. I almost did not trust myself to remain strong and not call or email when I missed him terribly and felt so so lonely. Nc is what keeps me sane.
We are now at a point where we need to communicate regarding kids. This is court ordered. I try very hard to keep it limited b/c I still care (prob too much) and can easily get brought back into the manipulation, lies, quacking. As I work my recovery, take care of my kids- I need as little contact as possible in order to maintain my peace. Putting my peace first was a huge mind shift. Unfortunately, I needed ro and divorce to maintain my peace.
We are now at a point where we need to communicate regarding kids. This is court ordered. I try very hard to keep it limited b/c I still care (prob too much) and can easily get brought back into the manipulation, lies, quacking. As I work my recovery, take care of my kids- I need as little contact as possible in order to maintain my peace. Putting my peace first was a huge mind shift. Unfortunately, I needed ro and divorce to maintain my peace.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
I am still with AH and our situation is still fairly new. I've been getting my power back by doing the opposite of what feels natural for me to do and what I normally choose to do. I have to fix things. I have to apologise. I have to beg him to tell me what to do to change things. I have to make the sacrifices. I am working on NOT doing all those things. It feels scary but also so much better.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Kittyboo, Like you, once I made that decision, there was no doubt in my mind that it was over. We were fortunate that we maintained separate homes, I simply told him I was done, I would not accept anymore of his stupid drunken bullsh*t in my life or home.
We had a great circle of friends, lots of weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, we always had plans, we were always going to concerts, sporting events, meeting people for dinner.
In the last two years his drinking turned from social to out of control. Many nites I came home pissed off. I truly was making excuses for his bad behavior. It got to the point that I dreaded any social invitation, because I knew he was going to take his drinking to another level, and I would be stuck babysitting his drunken ass.
Life was becoming a chore with him. This very handsome man had become so very unattractive to me. Not being in control of his words and actions, that was a major turn off. His drunken rants about nothing were sending me into a tailspin. The month prior to the break up, he fell off the porch twice, fell down the basement stairs, stumbled and fell on the coffee table, blood everywhere. And I came downstairs one night to find him sound asleep in the recliner, smoking a cigarette..........
When I tried to discuss his drinking he would usually respond with "Let's just have a good time." He was clueless, He didn't think there was a problem. Probably because he blacks out and doesn't remember being a jerk.
So when that little voice screamed "NO MORE" into my head, I seized the day, and said goodbye. In retrospect, I wish I would have listened to that little voice sooner, but life truly is a learning process . No regrets here.......... Wishing you the best in your new life............
We had a great circle of friends, lots of weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, we always had plans, we were always going to concerts, sporting events, meeting people for dinner.
In the last two years his drinking turned from social to out of control. Many nites I came home pissed off. I truly was making excuses for his bad behavior. It got to the point that I dreaded any social invitation, because I knew he was going to take his drinking to another level, and I would be stuck babysitting his drunken ass.
Life was becoming a chore with him. This very handsome man had become so very unattractive to me. Not being in control of his words and actions, that was a major turn off. His drunken rants about nothing were sending me into a tailspin. The month prior to the break up, he fell off the porch twice, fell down the basement stairs, stumbled and fell on the coffee table, blood everywhere. And I came downstairs one night to find him sound asleep in the recliner, smoking a cigarette..........
When I tried to discuss his drinking he would usually respond with "Let's just have a good time." He was clueless, He didn't think there was a problem. Probably because he blacks out and doesn't remember being a jerk.
So when that little voice screamed "NO MORE" into my head, I seized the day, and said goodbye. In retrospect, I wish I would have listened to that little voice sooner, but life truly is a learning process . No regrets here.......... Wishing you the best in your new life............
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
Little by little, step by step, trying to unlearn old patterns, asking my Higher Powers for strength, guidance, wisdom, reading self-help/recovery materials, surrounding myself with healthy people, detaching (lots & lots of detaching) & removing myself, going to Alanon meetings when I can, coming here, trying to do things *differently*, intervening on my own behalf by recognizing triggers. . .
When I feel I have had set-backs or relapses (like acting or thinking in ways I don't like myself to), I try to recognize them and see how I can do things differently. I want to continue to work on myself for the rest of my life until some of the "work" feels like second nature, as opposed to "work."
When I feel I have had set-backs or relapses (like acting or thinking in ways I don't like myself to), I try to recognize them and see how I can do things differently. I want to continue to work on myself for the rest of my life until some of the "work" feels like second nature, as opposed to "work."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Marie, we always wish we had listened to that little voice sooner.
I have never made very good decisions in my life regarding men. I have never felt valued or loved. I'm not quite sure why either, i'm not unattractive, i'm FAIRLY intelligent and independent. But in life's journey I have realized that I grew up with a completely emotionally unavailable father, and a step father who sexually abused me when I was very little. My mother is also extremely emotionally unavailable.
So in a sense I have no idea what comfort is, or love, and the people in my life that I have trusted and grew up around have essentially gone away. However, just like I have my issues, they have theirs. So I am learning not to take everything so personally as I have people who are there for me too.
I feel I NEEDED to go through this to make a dramatic change in my life. It is NOT easy, not for anyone here. Until I learned what I needed to learn, what I thought love was and really what it is NOT. It's why I cling so much to someone who isn't there for me, it's all i've ever really known when it comes to men. It's painful, but normal.
My XA taught me what I will no longer stand for in a relationship, or a friendship. He helped me see what I want to do with my life, how I can help others. He certainly did not take my compassion for people away from me. Through the anger and the pain, he was a valuable part of my life.
He helped me take action to change my life. I love him dearly for that.
All it takes is that one day to scream "NO MORE". Good for you Marie!
TakingCharge - I remember you well! That you say you give your power away to anyone, that surprises me. What do you mean? I KNOW you're stronger than that
Dolly and Yorkie - love it. Exactly.
I have never made very good decisions in my life regarding men. I have never felt valued or loved. I'm not quite sure why either, i'm not unattractive, i'm FAIRLY intelligent
and independent. But in life's journey I have realized that I grew up with a completely emotionally unavailable father, and a step father who sexually abused me when I was very little. My mother is also extremely emotionally unavailable.So in a sense I have no idea what comfort is, or love, and the people in my life that I have trusted and grew up around have essentially gone away. However, just like I have my issues, they have theirs. So I am learning not to take everything so personally as I have people who are there for me too.
I feel I NEEDED to go through this to make a dramatic change in my life. It is NOT easy, not for anyone here. Until I learned what I needed to learn, what I thought love was and really what it is NOT. It's why I cling so much to someone who isn't there for me, it's all i've ever really known when it comes to men. It's painful, but normal.
My XA taught me what I will no longer stand for in a relationship, or a friendship. He helped me see what I want to do with my life, how I can help others. He certainly did not take my compassion for people away from me. Through the anger and the pain, he was a valuable part of my life.
He helped me take action to change my life. I love him dearly for that.
All it takes is that one day to scream "NO MORE". Good for you Marie!
TakingCharge - I remember you well! That you say you give your power away to anyone, that surprises me. What do you mean? I KNOW you're stronger than that
Dolly and Yorkie - love it. Exactly.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Taking my power back implies that I felt like I had it in the first place.
I did not realize I did. Understanding that I do have a lot of power (over myself) was the first step.
Realizing I was just as important as everyone else was the second.
All the rest has just been steps to allowing myself to carry those out. Meetings, counseling, having feelings and dealing with them.
I did not realize I did. Understanding that I do have a lot of power (over myself) was the first step.
Realizing I was just as important as everyone else was the second.
All the rest has just been steps to allowing myself to carry those out. Meetings, counseling, having feelings and dealing with them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Kittyboo, Knowing, what we will never again accept in a relationship is empowering.
The ability to recognize a charming alkie has become a valuable tool for me. I think I can smell them now. They cannot suck me into their vortex of need.
Being able to choose, what I want to do, where I want to go, who I want to spend time with, is so uplifting. I am a volunteer with a two worthy service organizations, and I have found it to be one of the most rewarding gifts I have given myself.
Give yourself permission to go forward in your life. That is one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself. You are on your way. Keep posting it truly will get better.
The ability to recognize a charming alkie has become a valuable tool for me. I think I can smell them now. They cannot suck me into their vortex of need.
Being able to choose, what I want to do, where I want to go, who I want to spend time with, is so uplifting. I am a volunteer with a two worthy service organizations, and I have found it to be one of the most rewarding gifts I have given myself.
Give yourself permission to go forward in your life. That is one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself. You are on your way. Keep posting it truly will get better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Wow this is a great thread - certainly timely for me.
I always knew I had personal power. I just lost that perspective in the madness of alcoholism because it - the behaviors we are all so familiar with - is so irrational and baffling that I spent a lot of time trying to make sense of the nonsensical. My denial was deep.
Acceptance and Step 1 - my life has become unmanageable - this is how I began the process of changing my circumstances. I moved out, bought my own home, and turned my focus and attention back onto me and my daughters. I focused on my own recovery, have a great therapist and support system (SR and Al-Anon), and read everything I could get my hands on!
I recognize the power of positive thinking and keep my gratitude list close. Yeah, this relationship didn't work out at all the way I hoped it would, but everything else in my life is going great and I feel good so I can't let the demise of this marriage drag me down. Like Marie1960 says - I give myself permission to go forward with my life, and that is a very empowering feeling!
I always knew I had personal power. I just lost that perspective in the madness of alcoholism because it - the behaviors we are all so familiar with - is so irrational and baffling that I spent a lot of time trying to make sense of the nonsensical. My denial was deep.
Acceptance and Step 1 - my life has become unmanageable - this is how I began the process of changing my circumstances. I moved out, bought my own home, and turned my focus and attention back onto me and my daughters. I focused on my own recovery, have a great therapist and support system (SR and Al-Anon), and read everything I could get my hands on!
I recognize the power of positive thinking and keep my gratitude list close. Yeah, this relationship didn't work out at all the way I hoped it would, but everything else in my life is going great and I feel good so I can't let the demise of this marriage drag me down. Like Marie1960 says - I give myself permission to go forward with my life, and that is a very empowering feeling!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
I've started to realize that I don't have to react to everything everyone else says.
I don't have to be everyone's mother. I had fallen back into that pattern in school and one of my clinical instructors who I am especially close to pulled me aside one day and told me "you don't have to be everyone's Mama. They have to find their own way. You have to be true to you".
I took it to heart. I can still show compassion and empathy without taking over and trying to "fix" the problems.
I used to take criticism very badly. I'm a cry-er. Which sucks. I've gotten so much better. Now I can listen to what is said...and think "wow, I need to work on that" or "ok that's how THEY feel. I don't have to feel that way."
I take it as what it is: an opinion. It doesn't define who I am or what kind of person I am.
I know what I am so the fact they don't always agree is okay. It doesn't affect the reality of who I am or what I do.
That is huge for me.
I still have my moments but I'm getting better control of my reactions everyday.
Love this thread!!! TY!
I don't have to be everyone's mother. I had fallen back into that pattern in school and one of my clinical instructors who I am especially close to pulled me aside one day and told me "you don't have to be everyone's Mama. They have to find their own way. You have to be true to you".
I took it to heart. I can still show compassion and empathy without taking over and trying to "fix" the problems.
I used to take criticism very badly. I'm a cry-er. Which sucks. I've gotten so much better. Now I can listen to what is said...and think "wow, I need to work on that" or "ok that's how THEY feel. I don't have to feel that way."
I take it as what it is: an opinion. It doesn't define who I am or what kind of person I am.
I know what I am so the fact they don't always agree is okay. It doesn't affect the reality of who I am or what I do.
That is huge for me.
I still have my moments but I'm getting better control of my reactions everyday.
Love this thread!!! TY!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
I got my power back when I finally stepped out of my denial shadow and admitted to myself that he was an alcoholic. It was that simple. I quit pretending that he was like me or anyone else I knew. I didn't want to admit that he was damaged. Admitting to myself he was an addict=I'm not crazy.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 73
I Got My Power Back After Finally Leaving My EXAB For Good... I moved out and got me and my son our own place... After Reading One Post After Another Here On The Board, I Got My Power Back. When I took off my rose colored glasses I got My power back.. Seeing him for what he truly was not for what I wanted him to be... Not answering his phone calls and deleting his voice mails, I got my power back.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
My power came when I first realized I was able to make boundaries and they do make sense. I used to question myself constantly. Now, I'm confident about where my life is today.
I still have contact with ex(?) not-ex(?) R(?) ABF and we have a very encouraging, loving long-distance relationship right now. That's what's comfortable for us, for now, and I don't stress about that part of my life.
I still have contact with ex(?) not-ex(?) R(?) ABF and we have a very encouraging, loving long-distance relationship right now. That's what's comfortable for us, for now, and I don't stress about that part of my life.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 205
My power back!!! I feel like it is a work in progress. I now take the time to think before I react to things which in the end I feel better. Admitting to myself that I have no control over what RAH does (somedays hard than others). Alanon, SR, reading it is all educating me and dont know why I didnt start a long time ago. ONE DAY AT A TIME
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
I am smack in the middle of getting my power back. I am filed for legal separation and the final hearing is almost 60 days away still. I have told her that I can't live with her drinking any longer (in the words of Marie above "IT'S OVER"), and that I am going through with this no matter what. She's got a proposal for dividing houses, money, retirement, my business, everything.
AW is actively drinking and we are living together, in other words life is insane. But she is also the woman who makes me coffee, irons my shirts, smiles a lot, wants to spend time together, have sex, and pretend that we still have a chance. I am completely twisted in knots but I keep telling myself "last time was the last time" and "nothing changes if nothing changes"!
I am trying to be "nice" because I don't want to get her angry and stir up a big legal and financial mess. I also don't want to move out of our house. She is the one who should move but won't. So we are living together "as if" everything is normal, yet it is far from normal and every 3-4 days I sit her down to reminder her of the next meeting with the lawyer, the next court date, etc.
She said she is a "fighter" and simply will not give up on our 17 year marriage. I explained to one person I feel like this little puppy keeps coming up to me and I keep shooing it away, pushing it away, telling it to go away, yet it keeps coming back. It's brutal. Then my friend told me, yes, it's a cute puppy, but it keeps pooping all over your life and it won't stop.
I know this thread is about taking power back. I am trying like crazy and I am finding it very very hard. As a typical codie who hates conflict and wants everyone to like me, and wants everyone to be happy -- keeping the AW at bay is probably making me MORE INSANE than I have ever felt in my life. But there is a finish line, in theory, if I just keep going eventually I will be free.
Thanks for listening.
AW is actively drinking and we are living together, in other words life is insane. But she is also the woman who makes me coffee, irons my shirts, smiles a lot, wants to spend time together, have sex, and pretend that we still have a chance. I am completely twisted in knots but I keep telling myself "last time was the last time" and "nothing changes if nothing changes"!
I am trying to be "nice" because I don't want to get her angry and stir up a big legal and financial mess. I also don't want to move out of our house. She is the one who should move but won't. So we are living together "as if" everything is normal, yet it is far from normal and every 3-4 days I sit her down to reminder her of the next meeting with the lawyer, the next court date, etc.
She said she is a "fighter" and simply will not give up on our 17 year marriage. I explained to one person I feel like this little puppy keeps coming up to me and I keep shooing it away, pushing it away, telling it to go away, yet it keeps coming back. It's brutal. Then my friend told me, yes, it's a cute puppy, but it keeps pooping all over your life and it won't stop.
I know this thread is about taking power back. I am trying like crazy and I am finding it very very hard. As a typical codie who hates conflict and wants everyone to like me, and wants everyone to be happy -- keeping the AW at bay is probably making me MORE INSANE than I have ever felt in my life. But there is a finish line, in theory, if I just keep going eventually I will be free.
Thanks for listening.
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