And here I am again...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1
And here I am again...
This is my first time posting on a recovery-related forum... this is my 4th, 5th, 6th? time facing the reality of my boyfriend's alcoholism and significant relapses in the past year and a half.
My question is-- when do I give up? How do I make that decision?
I'm 23 years old, as is my boyfriend of 3 years (friends since 15). I'm a recent college graduate and have plans for graduate school in the future.
The alcoholism was formally 'recognized' in February of 2010... went to detox, began outpatient rehab 5 nights a week. At that point in time, he'd moved back home with his parents and I was in school in a different state, so we were very much long distance. He moved in with me that summer after 2 months of outpatient and remained relatively sober (completely sober to my knowledge, at the time, but has since revealed relapses which occurred when I was out of town) until November when he returned to his parents house and began drinking every night once again. I graduated and moved to the same city he and his family were in this past winter. We discovered that he'd been secretly drinking in late January, and he began seeing a therapist and seeking alternative medicine therapies... He enrolled in a few classes this Spring to work towards finishing his own undergraduate degree. This ended up being a big trigger for him, and he began drinking before each class (and then driving himself home). He has a solid job in an upstart company, but his coworkers are his friends and they know his situation. He began a new outpatient program in May, and has been sober since, or so I thought. This evening, he became (suddenly) and scarily obviously wasted- at first I thought he'd had a stroke or taken some of our sick dog's pills- it was that sudden. I honestly didn't even think of alcohol initially and was ready to take him straight to the hospital. That's when he admitted that he'd been drinking this afternoon as well as yesterday. And also that he'd a few other relapses like this earlier in the summer.
I should mention that his parents are very supportive, but reaching the end of their line. They recently sold their house and moved to a city about 40 minutes away. It's now myself and my boyfriend sharing an apartment in a town that is still very new to me. I have a job that I like and plans to carry out here, but I really do miss my friends back home. I love my boyfriend tremendously- he's one of the most capable people I know and he's truly my best friend. Sometimes I think that it would be nice to have a 'normal' relationship where I don't need to constantly check myself or worry whether I'm investing my time in something that is too vulnerable and unpredictable, but most of the time I have trouble imagining finding another person who I can feel this comfortable around. At the same time, I am constantly worrying about being true to myself-- I love this kid and I want to support him because I do believe he has all the potential in the world, but I know that I can't control this. I'm choosing to put myself in this position, but I'm only 23. I KNOW that there are a million opportunities out there waiting for me, and I'm scared of looking back in 20 years and regretting investing all of my love in a person who is sick first and loves me second.
I also worry what the relapses followed by the end of our relationship would mean for him-- he worries he could lose his job over this- his boss and coworkers know the situation and, while he is a great performer in the workplace, they have talked before about employment consequences. If he loses me too, I don't know what he'll do. I genuinely fear for his happiness and health-- I know he's struggled with depression, and it makes me sick to think what he might end up doing if feeling truly desperate.
95% of the time this relationship is wonderful (for its ups and downs) and I can imagine myself spending the rest of my life with him, but then I remember that alcoholism is always lurking in the background for him-- I might be able to forget about it from time to time, but it's always a part of him. He's got these demons that I can't fix and that will never go away and I don't know how to make myself comfortable among all of these extra factors, and I'm terrified of regretting staying in this uncertain relationship, but I'm also terrified of giving up on it.
Long, scattered posting, but I needed to write it out if only for the therapeutic benefit. If you've got advice, hit me. I feel like I'm still in shock on this one-- I worry that I'm even in denial sometimes.
My question is-- when do I give up? How do I make that decision?
I'm 23 years old, as is my boyfriend of 3 years (friends since 15). I'm a recent college graduate and have plans for graduate school in the future.
The alcoholism was formally 'recognized' in February of 2010... went to detox, began outpatient rehab 5 nights a week. At that point in time, he'd moved back home with his parents and I was in school in a different state, so we were very much long distance. He moved in with me that summer after 2 months of outpatient and remained relatively sober (completely sober to my knowledge, at the time, but has since revealed relapses which occurred when I was out of town) until November when he returned to his parents house and began drinking every night once again. I graduated and moved to the same city he and his family were in this past winter. We discovered that he'd been secretly drinking in late January, and he began seeing a therapist and seeking alternative medicine therapies... He enrolled in a few classes this Spring to work towards finishing his own undergraduate degree. This ended up being a big trigger for him, and he began drinking before each class (and then driving himself home). He has a solid job in an upstart company, but his coworkers are his friends and they know his situation. He began a new outpatient program in May, and has been sober since, or so I thought. This evening, he became (suddenly) and scarily obviously wasted- at first I thought he'd had a stroke or taken some of our sick dog's pills- it was that sudden. I honestly didn't even think of alcohol initially and was ready to take him straight to the hospital. That's when he admitted that he'd been drinking this afternoon as well as yesterday. And also that he'd a few other relapses like this earlier in the summer.
I should mention that his parents are very supportive, but reaching the end of their line. They recently sold their house and moved to a city about 40 minutes away. It's now myself and my boyfriend sharing an apartment in a town that is still very new to me. I have a job that I like and plans to carry out here, but I really do miss my friends back home. I love my boyfriend tremendously- he's one of the most capable people I know and he's truly my best friend. Sometimes I think that it would be nice to have a 'normal' relationship where I don't need to constantly check myself or worry whether I'm investing my time in something that is too vulnerable and unpredictable, but most of the time I have trouble imagining finding another person who I can feel this comfortable around. At the same time, I am constantly worrying about being true to myself-- I love this kid and I want to support him because I do believe he has all the potential in the world, but I know that I can't control this. I'm choosing to put myself in this position, but I'm only 23. I KNOW that there are a million opportunities out there waiting for me, and I'm scared of looking back in 20 years and regretting investing all of my love in a person who is sick first and loves me second.
I also worry what the relapses followed by the end of our relationship would mean for him-- he worries he could lose his job over this- his boss and coworkers know the situation and, while he is a great performer in the workplace, they have talked before about employment consequences. If he loses me too, I don't know what he'll do. I genuinely fear for his happiness and health-- I know he's struggled with depression, and it makes me sick to think what he might end up doing if feeling truly desperate.
95% of the time this relationship is wonderful (for its ups and downs) and I can imagine myself spending the rest of my life with him, but then I remember that alcoholism is always lurking in the background for him-- I might be able to forget about it from time to time, but it's always a part of him. He's got these demons that I can't fix and that will never go away and I don't know how to make myself comfortable among all of these extra factors, and I'm terrified of regretting staying in this uncertain relationship, but I'm also terrified of giving up on it.
Long, scattered posting, but I needed to write it out if only for the therapeutic benefit. If you've got advice, hit me. I feel like I'm still in shock on this one-- I worry that I'm even in denial sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Emily, Be true to yourself. I think your gut instinct is trying to tell you something. I read it in your post.
Staying with your boyfriend out of fear does not constitute a relationship. You are holding yourself hostage here.
He is responsible for his recovery, there is nothing you can do, he has to own that.
IMHO, I think if you could be assured that boyfriend would be ok if you left, you would already be gone..........
I have walked in your shoes, and I am here to tell you, I regret investing so much of myself into such a toxic situation.
The thing about alcoholism, is that damned elephant always in the room with you.......
All my best to you......
Staying with your boyfriend out of fear does not constitute a relationship. You are holding yourself hostage here.
He is responsible for his recovery, there is nothing you can do, he has to own that.
IMHO, I think if you could be assured that boyfriend would be ok if you left, you would already be gone..........
I have walked in your shoes, and I am here to tell you, I regret investing so much of myself into such a toxic situation.
The thing about alcoholism, is that damned elephant always in the room with you.......
All my best to you......
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Emily-
Welcome!
I saw everything about my exH who struggled with binge drinking in a series of snapshots.
For example when we were first married and there was an episode I told him if I experienced his drinking like that again I would leave. I did experience further scary drinking episodes, but they never looked just like that one so I did not leave.
It is only now that I have some objectivity that I see if I put the snapshots all together as a flip book there was a theme to the situation, significant alcohol use that though my ex talked about making changes in he never did. I have learned by looking at these incidences as home movies (instead of snapshots) that it is the behaviors that count, and to trust his behaviors, not his words.
You did not cause his drinking behaviors, you cannot control them and you cannot cure them. This is known as the Three C's of addiction. They took awhile to sink in, but though I was very worried about my ex's drinking this helped to take the pressure off of me. I had to do what was safe and right for me. When I made decisions for ME on if it would impact HIS drinking or not I was really in a sense trying to control the situation. That was not healthy for either of us.
Al-anon and individual counseling helped me.
Kind thoughts headed your way.
Welcome!
I saw everything about my exH who struggled with binge drinking in a series of snapshots.
For example when we were first married and there was an episode I told him if I experienced his drinking like that again I would leave. I did experience further scary drinking episodes, but they never looked just like that one so I did not leave.
It is only now that I have some objectivity that I see if I put the snapshots all together as a flip book there was a theme to the situation, significant alcohol use that though my ex talked about making changes in he never did. I have learned by looking at these incidences as home movies (instead of snapshots) that it is the behaviors that count, and to trust his behaviors, not his words.
You did not cause his drinking behaviors, you cannot control them and you cannot cure them. This is known as the Three C's of addiction. They took awhile to sink in, but though I was very worried about my ex's drinking this helped to take the pressure off of me. I had to do what was safe and right for me. When I made decisions for ME on if it would impact HIS drinking or not I was really in a sense trying to control the situation. That was not healthy for either of us.
Al-anon and individual counseling helped me.
Kind thoughts headed your way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery 
Emily-
Welcome!
I saw everything about my exH who struggled with binge drinking in a series of snapshots.
For example when we were first married and there was an episode I told him if I experienced his drinking like that again I would leave. I did experience further scary drinking episodes, but they never looked just like that one so I did not leave.
It is only now that I have some objectivity that I see if I put the snapshots all together as a flip book there was a theme to the situation, significant alcohol use that though my ex talked about making changes in he never did. I have learned by looking at these incidences as home movies (instead of snapshots) that it is the behaviors that count, and to trust his behaviors, not his words.
You did not cause his drinking behaviors, you cannot control them and you cannot cure them. This is known as the Three C's of addiction. They took awhile to sink in, but though I was very worried about my ex's drinking this helped to take the pressure off of me. I had to do what was safe and right for me. When I made decisions for ME on if it would impact HIS drinking or not I was really in a sense trying to control the situation. That was not healthy for either of us.
Al-anon and individual counseling helped me.
Kind thoughts headed your way.
Welcome!
I saw everything about my exH who struggled with binge drinking in a series of snapshots.
For example when we were first married and there was an episode I told him if I experienced his drinking like that again I would leave. I did experience further scary drinking episodes, but they never looked just like that one so I did not leave.
It is only now that I have some objectivity that I see if I put the snapshots all together as a flip book there was a theme to the situation, significant alcohol use that though my ex talked about making changes in he never did. I have learned by looking at these incidences as home movies (instead of snapshots) that it is the behaviors that count, and to trust his behaviors, not his words.
You did not cause his drinking behaviors, you cannot control them and you cannot cure them. This is known as the Three C's of addiction. They took awhile to sink in, but though I was very worried about my ex's drinking this helped to take the pressure off of me. I had to do what was safe and right for me. When I made decisions for ME on if it would impact HIS drinking or not I was really in a sense trying to control the situation. That was not healthy for either of us.
Al-anon and individual counseling helped me.
Kind thoughts headed your way.
Thank you for this illustrative analogy!
And so, so, so true.
We have to put them together and take a good look at the MOVIE. It's all too easy to excuse away each "isolated incident" and stay stuck, stay enabling, and lose more of ourselves and lifespan to this toxic life!
CLMI
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. Some of our stories are posted in the sticky (permanent) posts at the top of this forum. I always find wisdom from other's experiences when I read those posts.
I wonder if you have considered attending Alanon meetings in your new community? I moved away from my home group and found meetings in my community. It is a great way to meet people who understand what you are feeling and living as well as a great way to make new contacts in a new area.
Alanon is the only place you can walk into a room full of strangers and you can finish each other's sentences. We all understand what it is like living with a loved ones addiction.
I found support, understanding, patience and tools to help me learn to take better care of myself through Alanon meetings and through SR.
Please let us know how we can help support you as you make plans to recover from your loved ones addiction.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. Some of our stories are posted in the sticky (permanent) posts at the top of this forum. I always find wisdom from other's experiences when I read those posts.
I wonder if you have considered attending Alanon meetings in your new community? I moved away from my home group and found meetings in my community. It is a great way to meet people who understand what you are feeling and living as well as a great way to make new contacts in a new area.
Alanon is the only place you can walk into a room full of strangers and you can finish each other's sentences. We all understand what it is like living with a loved ones addiction.
I found support, understanding, patience and tools to help me learn to take better care of myself through Alanon meetings and through SR.
Please let us know how we can help support you as you make plans to recover from your loved ones addiction.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
Originally Posted by emilyskis
I'm 23 years old, as is my boyfriend of 3 years (friends since 15). I'm a recent college graduate and have plans for graduate school in the future.
... Sometimes I think that it would be nice to have a 'normal' relationship where I don't need to constantly check myself or worry whether I'm investing my time in something that is too vulnerable and unpredictable, but most of the time I have trouble imagining finding another person who I can feel this comfortable around. At the same time, I am constantly worrying about being true to myself-- I love this kid and I want to support him because I do believe he has all the potential in the world, but I know that I can't control this. I'm choosing to put myself in this position, but I'm only 23. I KNOW that there are a million opportunities out there waiting for me, and I'm scared of looking back in 20 years and regretting investing all of my love in a person who is sick first and loves me second.
... Sometimes I think that it would be nice to have a 'normal' relationship where I don't need to constantly check myself or worry whether I'm investing my time in something that is too vulnerable and unpredictable, but most of the time I have trouble imagining finding another person who I can feel this comfortable around. At the same time, I am constantly worrying about being true to myself-- I love this kid and I want to support him because I do believe he has all the potential in the world, but I know that I can't control this. I'm choosing to put myself in this position, but I'm only 23. I KNOW that there are a million opportunities out there waiting for me, and I'm scared of looking back in 20 years and regretting investing all of my love in a person who is sick first and loves me second.
You're 23, I'm 51. Yes, there were many good times and 3 beautiful children but here I am wondering where is the partner I thought I had and reflecting back on how much of myself I let go because I couldn't balance it all.
Fortunately or unfortunately my AH was in some state of sobriety when I met him - he was 10 years older than me. It was probably for this reason I didn't realize he had a problem with alcohol.
At 26 I still had some growing up to do and I think I did it under the influence of my AH.
There was a time when I thought AH was the only one for me.
I am grateful for Alanon to help me realize all I need is myself and I can be comfortable and I can choose to spend time with others that I enjoy being with.
You sound so mature and when I started reading your post I so wanted to hear about your plans for graduate school, what you were studying, what your interests were. My oldest D is heading to college next year and it is an exciting and scary time for her.
I am her mother and I want her to know she has all the potential in the world.
So do you.
Life is a journey. I wish you the best on your journey.
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