How did I ever let myself get to this place?

Old 09-23-2011, 04:01 PM
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Location: Harrisburg, PA
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How did I ever let myself get to this place?

Hi All,

It is so weird to me when I have moments of clarity, because I think my thoughts are sick at least 90% of the time.

Over the past eight months I have been repeatedly lied to, manipualted, used, verabally and emotionally abused, cheated on ... and who is to blame? Alcoholic bf? No ... me.

I only blame myself for ever allowing someone to put me through what he has. I have been spoken to worse than I ever have before, my character has been put down to no end, I've been told I am a bad person, selfish, closed minded, lazy, mean, etc etc.

I am such a fool, holding on to the good times that I really should look at as a lie. He easily swept me off of my feet, something I guess anyone can do if they have had enough practice being a pathological liar.

Wouldn't being alone be much better than this? Why have I felt I would be losing something of value? I need to learn to take out the trash when it is obviously rancid and rotting and making me sick.
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Old 09-23-2011, 04:29 PM
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I'm so sorry you have had to endure this... You do deserve so much better than this.. Your not a fool you love him and yes It is easier for me being alone, & I'm so glad I left my exabf. The reason most likely you feel your loosing something of value is because of the time and energy you have invested in this relationship. But You need to spend more of your energy and time ON Yourself now and getting out of the relationship, so you can start the healing process.
Yes that's what they do is turn things around by name calling, in order for them to not have to face or accept that they are the one with the problem.. In some sick way it eases their guilt... Trust me I was right where you are at one time... For me to keep my sanity... I had to love me enough to remove myself from all that toxic and ugliness. Please keep posting.. My Best Advice Run and never look back. Hugs to you.
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Old 09-23-2011, 04:40 PM
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I'm no angel!
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You are not a fool, you are a person who has thought too little of themselves, who accepted what has been thrown at them.

We are codies, that is what we do UNTIL we take control of our life, UNTIL we stand up and say ENOUGH...I value myself more than that and I will take care of me...FIRST.

You are in control of your life, make the right decisions for you, your happiness and general well-being.
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Old 09-23-2011, 05:10 PM
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Big hugs! You are among many (here) who have been there. Don't be so hard on yourself. Get support for yourself. Keep coming here, reading & posting! Take good care. As you gain clarity, you will see the light & make decisions that are best *for you*.
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Old 09-24-2011, 01:09 PM
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Curled up in a good book...
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You're not a fool. It is hard to not believe what you've been told over and over again and to start believing that you really are worth more than this. It is mental conditioning and it's really hard to break free of! For me, awareness was the key. Being self aware, realising that the voice in my head berating me was just repeating what I had been told and not reflecting reality. I am worth more and you are too. Counselling really helped too - someone to talk to about things who could help ground me in reality.

You're not alone. We've all been there. Don't be so hard on yourself. You can get out of this one step at a time.
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Old 09-24-2011, 01:27 PM
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You're not a "fool" for extending basic human trust to someone. When you're a decent person, you just have a built-in assumption that other people are decent as well.

He is to blame for acting like a pig. He'll have a terrible life because of it.

The relationship's caused some damage to you but he's just a person, and you're stronger and better than he is, because you're decent.

You'll brush this off and get moving. You'll be okay!
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Old 09-24-2011, 09:43 PM
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Shirt, Wonder if we were with the same guy? It never ceases to amaze me at how similiar our stories seem to be. It's as if they all read the same book.

The good news is, you recognize this and now you can begin to take care of you.

And YES my friend being alone is so much better than staying with someone who crushes your sense of well being every single day......... Sending you strength, and wishing you all the best.
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Old 09-24-2011, 10:20 PM
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It's so easy to be taken advantage of by a charming personality, especially if you are a person who needs that confirmation from others, please don't berate yourself for what has happened, you know the score, choose to act in your own interests, get a way, get strong, and meet someone who you deserve and who deserves you.

Best of luck,
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