Tension between AH and my parents -- what to do?
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Tension between AH and my parents -- what to do?
I'm struggling with something and could use input.
My AH of 16 years and I have been separated for 5 months now. My parents live nearby and see our four kids regularly; they have been a wonderful source of normalcy and support for my kids during this time. My husband has always been very close to them and saw them as surrogate parents (he grew up in an alcoholic home). My parents are pretty disgusted with him right now and don't want to spend time around my AH, but they are friendly and civil when they see him. They have also told my AH this directly, ie, "We love you but we don't want to see you right now." My parents are Al Anon veterans due to my brother's alcoholism and "get" it and are healthy people with good boundaries.
My AH is very hurt and angry about what he views as my parents 'turning their backs' on him. Last night he showed up at our house unexpectedly to drop off some text books our daughter left in his car. My parents were here having dinner. My AH saw their car, turned around in the driveway, and drove off. Everyone saw him; my kids were really confused, and called him on his cell phone. It was very awkward for everyone at the dinner table. He waited at the end of our long driveway for the kids to walk out and get their things. The kids were so upset and confused. They don't understand any of this. I wish my AH would put his gripes aside and do what's best for the kids --- which is seeing the adults in their lives be reasonably mature and civil with each other.
I know it's par for the course, all this stuff with an alcoholic. I know, I know. But how do I keep my end of things "clean" with regard to my AH and my parents? I don't want to be in the middle.
My AH of 16 years and I have been separated for 5 months now. My parents live nearby and see our four kids regularly; they have been a wonderful source of normalcy and support for my kids during this time. My husband has always been very close to them and saw them as surrogate parents (he grew up in an alcoholic home). My parents are pretty disgusted with him right now and don't want to spend time around my AH, but they are friendly and civil when they see him. They have also told my AH this directly, ie, "We love you but we don't want to see you right now." My parents are Al Anon veterans due to my brother's alcoholism and "get" it and are healthy people with good boundaries.
My AH is very hurt and angry about what he views as my parents 'turning their backs' on him. Last night he showed up at our house unexpectedly to drop off some text books our daughter left in his car. My parents were here having dinner. My AH saw their car, turned around in the driveway, and drove off. Everyone saw him; my kids were really confused, and called him on his cell phone. It was very awkward for everyone at the dinner table. He waited at the end of our long driveway for the kids to walk out and get their things. The kids were so upset and confused. They don't understand any of this. I wish my AH would put his gripes aside and do what's best for the kids --- which is seeing the adults in their lives be reasonably mature and civil with each other.
I know it's par for the course, all this stuff with an alcoholic. I know, I know. But how do I keep my end of things "clean" with regard to my AH and my parents? I don't want to be in the middle.
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Location: Upstate NY
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Ah, yep - I know *that* situation. My AH claims that my parents have "abandoned" him... that they are unloyal people... blah-blah-blah. What I have come to understand about my situation is - my parents have set boundaries. They aren't willing to accept the unacceptable....
and alcoholics *hate* boundaries. My AH does not like be held accountable for his behavior. A consequence of his choices (after repeatedly disrespecting my family) is that he is no longer welcome at our family events. He comes along anyways - and the events are tense, at best. My family isn't rude, doesn't ignore him - but they don't roll out a red carpet (like he wants). There was a time when they would have - but innocence lost my friend. Trust must be earned back.
Today, I no longer go out of my way to make my AH feel comfortable. It's not my job - nor my parents. To do so would be enabling. My children (who are much younger) ask why Daddy isn't joining us and I simply say that Daddy is busy with other things. As for teenagers - I think a bit more information on alcholism could be shared. Al-teen would be great for them.
Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon
and alcoholics *hate* boundaries. My AH does not like be held accountable for his behavior. A consequence of his choices (after repeatedly disrespecting my family) is that he is no longer welcome at our family events. He comes along anyways - and the events are tense, at best. My family isn't rude, doesn't ignore him - but they don't roll out a red carpet (like he wants). There was a time when they would have - but innocence lost my friend. Trust must be earned back.
Today, I no longer go out of my way to make my AH feel comfortable. It's not my job - nor my parents. To do so would be enabling. My children (who are much younger) ask why Daddy isn't joining us and I simply say that Daddy is busy with other things. As for teenagers - I think a bit more information on alcholism could be shared. Al-teen would be great for them.
Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
I don't want to be in the middle.
then stay on the side lines. you can't control what HE does...how he acts. he could have called first, that's how most thoughtful adults handle things instead of just dropping by. if he wants to act like little mr fussy pants, let him. stay consistent and resistant!
then stay on the side lines. you can't control what HE does...how he acts. he could have called first, that's how most thoughtful adults handle things instead of just dropping by. if he wants to act like little mr fussy pants, let him. stay consistent and resistant!
I don't know how old your children are so I would be honest and say something like "daddy is mad at grandma and grandpa and didn't want to see them". It's the truth, it's blame neutral and it's something that they could understand. If they ask why be honest and say "I don't know" because you really don't know what he is thinking.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
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My AH now badmouths my mom (who has helped us enormously with our D's and financially at times too) bc she told him her feelings about his treatment of me and suggested he get help. Now that she doesn't see him as an all perfect specimen (which apparently he believed she viewed him as previously) he refuses to even be polite to her if they cross paths. It angers me to no end considering he's allowed his family to be horrid toward me for years with no reason and my mother has simply expressed herself appropriately and now he's nasty...
I share this to say that I think the experience of an A spouse suddenly having issues when their partner's parents set a boundary is pretty common. It doesn't make it easier to deal with but sometimes knowing you're not alone helps me a lot so I share my experience for that reason...
You're not responsible for fixing your AH's feelings and your parents have every right to set whatever limit they want. Someone in recovery (meaning your H) would be able to see this, accept it and deal with it. Sounds to me like your H is no where near interested in living life on life's terms. He wants to behave however he does and have people still pat him on the back... He can join my H in that wish-- doesn't mean it's gonna happen, nor should it!
I share this to say that I think the experience of an A spouse suddenly having issues when their partner's parents set a boundary is pretty common. It doesn't make it easier to deal with but sometimes knowing you're not alone helps me a lot so I share my experience for that reason...
You're not responsible for fixing your AH's feelings and your parents have every right to set whatever limit they want. Someone in recovery (meaning your H) would be able to see this, accept it and deal with it. Sounds to me like your H is no where near interested in living life on life's terms. He wants to behave however he does and have people still pat him on the back... He can join my H in that wish-- doesn't mean it's gonna happen, nor should it!
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