Tested last night - AH came home
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
Tested last night - AH came home
I've been pretty happy with myself lately and feel like I have made some good progress and some changes. Of course, they have been fairly easy with AH at his parents house for 2 weeks. I've been good about not calling him, not worrying and just generally getting on with my life, going out with friends, etc. The couple of times we have talked on the phone he's actually been fairly pleasant.
He came home last night because he has a doctor appointment today. I had the weirdest reaction when the door opened. I was happy to see him but also not...partly because he looked angry already. I had asked our 3-year-old to open the door for Daddy. AH snapped at him and told him he shouldn't touch the door. He stomped around the house while I put DS to bed. Wouldn't look at me. Then announced that he was sleeping downstairs and stomped off to bed (this was about 9:00).
I did follow him downstairs. I told him that it was nice to see him home and that he didn't have to sleep downstairs if he didn't want to. My normal self would have stayed down there begging him to talk to me and to tell me why he was angry and what I could do. I didn't though. I went upstairs and played a video game. He came upstairs shortly after. He didn't talk but I was surprised he even came up...normally he stays away and sulks.
Had some trouble sleeping but, in general, I feel so much better than I normally would have when he acts that way. I fought the urge to make sure he had an umbrella today and to tiptoe around too much. I got ready for work and got DS ready the way I normally would.
Just sharing that I had a chance to practice my newfound skills. Progress, not perfection.
He came home last night because he has a doctor appointment today. I had the weirdest reaction when the door opened. I was happy to see him but also not...partly because he looked angry already. I had asked our 3-year-old to open the door for Daddy. AH snapped at him and told him he shouldn't touch the door. He stomped around the house while I put DS to bed. Wouldn't look at me. Then announced that he was sleeping downstairs and stomped off to bed (this was about 9:00).
I did follow him downstairs. I told him that it was nice to see him home and that he didn't have to sleep downstairs if he didn't want to. My normal self would have stayed down there begging him to talk to me and to tell me why he was angry and what I could do. I didn't though. I went upstairs and played a video game. He came upstairs shortly after. He didn't talk but I was surprised he even came up...normally he stays away and sulks.
Had some trouble sleeping but, in general, I feel so much better than I normally would have when he acts that way. I fought the urge to make sure he had an umbrella today and to tiptoe around too much. I got ready for work and got DS ready the way I normally would.
Just sharing that I had a chance to practice my newfound skills. Progress, not perfection.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Good for you Thayli! It's progress for sure!!
In my recovery, I have become very aware of MY behavior - and how I react/respond to my AH. I had been so accomodating - working doubletime to try and make things peaceful and happy for both of us. What happened by doing that is that I became a shell of myself - and lost all boundaries between us. No good. Getting them back is taking time, patience and LOTS of practice!!
Good for you!!
Shannon
In my recovery, I have become very aware of MY behavior - and how I react/respond to my AH. I had been so accomodating - working doubletime to try and make things peaceful and happy for both of us. What happened by doing that is that I became a shell of myself - and lost all boundaries between us. No good. Getting them back is taking time, patience and LOTS of practice!!
Good for you!!
Shannon
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Well done! I know it's hard to not jump into those old patterns and chances are (not to over generalize but I think there are probably some similarities among A's) now that you're changing your reaction (or lack thereof) to AH, he'll get more irritable and try to find ways to rope you back in.
I have a 3 yr old too and one of the things I've noticed sooooo much since AH has been living elsewhere is that she is a totally calmer, happier kid. You mentioned your AH storming around and I can just imagine the tension that exists when he's like that. Do you see your 3 yo acting differently when AH isn't around? Until I noticed how different things were with him gone I wouldn't have even thought to pay attn to see if there was a difference. I just wonder if you've noticed things being better for your child too when AH is gone...
I have a 3 yr old too and one of the things I've noticed sooooo much since AH has been living elsewhere is that she is a totally calmer, happier kid. You mentioned your AH storming around and I can just imagine the tension that exists when he's like that. Do you see your 3 yo acting differently when AH isn't around? Until I noticed how different things were with him gone I wouldn't have even thought to pay attn to see if there was a difference. I just wonder if you've noticed things being better for your child too when AH is gone...
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Join Date: May 2008
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It does sound as though you have made progress Thlayli.
I like what wanttobehealthy says above regarding your 3 year old. Good on you for not practicing your old codi behaviour with your husband, but I would think it's not ok with you that your son was treated badly by his Dad the minute he walked in the door.
I like what wanttobehealthy says above regarding your 3 year old. Good on you for not practicing your old codi behaviour with your husband, but I would think it's not ok with you that your son was treated badly by his Dad the minute he walked in the door.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
It is so important to be honest with children - honesty that is appropriate for their age. I struggled for a while with what to tell my kids (5 and 3). A former sponsor said I need to explain to them that Daddy is an alcoholic... I had to disagree. The last thing I want them doing is going up to Daddy and asking him (while he's steeped in denial) about why he's an alcoholic.
What I have been honest with them about is unacceptable behavior - especially the stuff they receive from AH, they see AH doing to me, and my OWN unacceptable stuff (let's be honest, none of us is perfect!). I can't stop AH from being a jerk - but I can help them learn detachment from, and develop healthy ways to handle the stuff. I know that the ultimate answer is to get them the hell out of this situation - but that is going to take time.
So, just some food for thought. As the child of an alcoholic, my children are very much affected - even at the tender age of 3. They need me to help them heal/grow in a healthy emotional way. That's the job of any parent - but even MORE SO when one of the parents is an alcoholic (and the other a raging codependent!!).
Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon
What I have been honest with them about is unacceptable behavior - especially the stuff they receive from AH, they see AH doing to me, and my OWN unacceptable stuff (let's be honest, none of us is perfect!). I can't stop AH from being a jerk - but I can help them learn detachment from, and develop healthy ways to handle the stuff. I know that the ultimate answer is to get them the hell out of this situation - but that is going to take time.
So, just some food for thought. As the child of an alcoholic, my children are very much affected - even at the tender age of 3. They need me to help them heal/grow in a healthy emotional way. That's the job of any parent - but even MORE SO when one of the parents is an alcoholic (and the other a raging codependent!!).
Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
...chances are (not to over generalize but I think there are probably some similarities among A's) now that you're changing your reaction (or lack thereof) to AH, he'll get more irritable and try to find ways to rope you back in.
I've soooo been thinking about that. I've got some time to practice how I plan to handle things if he does try the roping in thing. He's headed back to his parents house for at least another week and maybe until the end of October. He's helping them with re-modeling, yardsales, etc. I'm sure it will be hard, hard, hard when he does come home though. I think he's keeping himself busy so he doesn't have to think about things.
I have a 3 yr old too and one of the things I've noticed sooooo much since AH has been living elsewhere is that she is a totally calmer, happier kid. You mentioned your AH storming around and I can just imagine the tension that exists when he's like that. Do you see your 3 yo acting differently when AH isn't around? Until I noticed how different things were with him gone I wouldn't have even thought to pay attn to see if there was a difference. I just wonder if you've noticed things being better for your child too when AH is gone...
yes, yes, yes. He's out-of-control when he stays with his birth-mom (she has him 40% of the time) and at daycare. I really think it's got to do with AH and what's going on. I haven't noticed too much here. We actually have a meeting with the county BOE next week about his behavior at school. I'm tempted to call the counselor who is meeting with us to give her a "heads-up" on what's going on. Is that too codie? Birth-mom knows that AH is being a butt-head but I haven't told her a lot else and I don't think the entire situation will come out with the 3 of us at the meeting (AH, Me and BM).
I've soooo been thinking about that. I've got some time to practice how I plan to handle things if he does try the roping in thing. He's headed back to his parents house for at least another week and maybe until the end of October. He's helping them with re-modeling, yardsales, etc. I'm sure it will be hard, hard, hard when he does come home though. I think he's keeping himself busy so he doesn't have to think about things.
I have a 3 yr old too and one of the things I've noticed sooooo much since AH has been living elsewhere is that she is a totally calmer, happier kid. You mentioned your AH storming around and I can just imagine the tension that exists when he's like that. Do you see your 3 yo acting differently when AH isn't around? Until I noticed how different things were with him gone I wouldn't have even thought to pay attn to see if there was a difference. I just wonder if you've noticed things being better for your child too when AH is gone...
yes, yes, yes. He's out-of-control when he stays with his birth-mom (she has him 40% of the time) and at daycare. I really think it's got to do with AH and what's going on. I haven't noticed too much here. We actually have a meeting with the county BOE next week about his behavior at school. I'm tempted to call the counselor who is meeting with us to give her a "heads-up" on what's going on. Is that too codie? Birth-mom knows that AH is being a butt-head but I haven't told her a lot else and I don't think the entire situation will come out with the 3 of us at the meeting (AH, Me and BM).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
What I have been honest with them about is unacceptable behavior - especially the stuff they receive from AH, they see AH doing to me, and my OWN unacceptable stuff (let's be honest, none of us is perfect!). I can't stop AH from being a jerk - but I can help them learn detachment from, and develop healthy ways to handle the stuff. I know that the ultimate answer is to get them the hell out of this situation - but that is going to take time.
I am certainly struggling with these issues. DS said today at breakfast "I don't like Daddy" When he says that, I tell him "Daddy is being a big grouch right now, isn't he? He's not very happy. I don't like when he acts like that either it's not very nice" I'm not entirely sure how to validate his feelings.
I DO have the option of not having DS around too much when AH is being his most grouchy. I was supposed to keep him tonite but asked BM to keep him and told her that AH is being cranky again. I also try to do stuff with both DS and his half-brother (BMs other son). While AH has been at his parents house I've taken both of them on the weekends sometimes. That gives BM a break and both boys get to have more time together.
So, just some food for thought. As the child of an alcoholic, my children are very much affected - even at the tender age of 3. They need me to help them heal/grow in a healthy emotional way. That's the job of any parent - but even MORE SO when one of the parents is an alcoholic (and the other a raging codependent!!).
BM is ACOA and has had 3 "fathers" in and out of DS's life...more for her 7 year old. I'm toying with inviting her to a meeting with me some time.
We have such a crazy situation, and very different ideas of parenting, but thankfully get along very well. Much better that she and AH. I also think that it p*sses AH off that we can get along so well. His inner 3-year-old behavior really comes out when he's dealing with her.
I am certainly struggling with these issues. DS said today at breakfast "I don't like Daddy" When he says that, I tell him "Daddy is being a big grouch right now, isn't he? He's not very happy. I don't like when he acts like that either it's not very nice" I'm not entirely sure how to validate his feelings.
I DO have the option of not having DS around too much when AH is being his most grouchy. I was supposed to keep him tonite but asked BM to keep him and told her that AH is being cranky again. I also try to do stuff with both DS and his half-brother (BMs other son). While AH has been at his parents house I've taken both of them on the weekends sometimes. That gives BM a break and both boys get to have more time together.
So, just some food for thought. As the child of an alcoholic, my children are very much affected - even at the tender age of 3. They need me to help them heal/grow in a healthy emotional way. That's the job of any parent - but even MORE SO when one of the parents is an alcoholic (and the other a raging codependent!!).
BM is ACOA and has had 3 "fathers" in and out of DS's life...more for her 7 year old. I'm toying with inviting her to a meeting with me some time.
We have such a crazy situation, and very different ideas of parenting, but thankfully get along very well. Much better that she and AH. I also think that it p*sses AH off that we can get along so well. His inner 3-year-old behavior really comes out when he's dealing with her.
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