wonderish

I honestly feel like I could write pages and pages of how I feel, but I cant seem to get the words out.
I'm so tired of having to deal with the bf's addiction... I thought he was over coming it......just to find out not so much.


Just a little bit about me: I'm 24 years old, just started University, and I love my kitty cat and I have an alcoholic boyfriend.

catlovermi

Welcome!

It is one of the most painful and frustrating experiences to be close to someone with substance abuse issues.

Please know that you cannot make him think any way you wish or do anything you wish - you are truly powerless over HIS decisions.

Please know that addiction is progressive, it will always get worse if the addict does not decide to do whatever it takes to recover. These might well be the BEST times in this relationship.

Please also know that YOU have choices, too.

Is this the type of life you want? Is this what you want in a partner?

Is this the way you want to spend your precious youth - all preoccupied and tied up in knots about someone else's issues that you cannot control?
Would you want this person as a father to your (someday) children, to grow up dependent on this?

These are hard questions, when you are young and "in love" with someone.

But know that looking hard at these questions may well change the direction of how you spend the best years of your life...

Have you heard of Alanon? It's a free community support group for friends and family of alcoholics/addicts.

Sending support...

CLMI

dollydo

Welcome!

You are young, you are getting an education, you have your entire life ahead of you.....
you do not need to be involved with an alcoholic.

This is a progressive disease, even if he embraces recovery and stays off the bottle, this will be a life long battle for him to fight, it is a chronic disease, there is no cure.

Go on with your life, there are lots of good men out there, let him go.

Willybluedog

Welcome,

Please think about what Catlover mi and Dollydo have said, look in the mirror and tell yourself you deserve better, say it until it sticks, then repeat as necessary!

I know after 40 years of my mothers drinking (I am 49) nothing will change, my father has stayed with my mom to try and moderate her drinking enough to keep her from killing herself or someone else. My dad loves my mom but he does not like her, is this any way to live?

Anyway, best of luck to you, if nothing else please do your best to take care of "you", get enough rest, eat right, exercise, and meditate or pray.

Come back often and rant if you need to, we will be here to listen.

wonderish

Thanks...
Its tough!
Bf works from 6-4am, and at about 11 last night he started getting angry with me over text.... which then turned into I dont allow him to have a life, and he wants me to do my own thing, and he do his own.. but not break up.
Soo I got upset, went to work and we talked for like 30 mins, I asked him to try to stay sober for 10 months, while im in school, and then we can figure out then what is going on... He said that was too much for me to put on him, but would try.
So then I come home, and at 330 right before I need to leave to pick him up he says to me "Dont come pick me up, im staying here. I'll see you on the weekend." then shut off his cell, and went offline.
Yaay.

searchbug

One great thing about here.. you don't know who I am, where I am, and would not recognize me if we bumped into each other.
Some of the stuff here is pretty intense, but it helps me SO MUCH that I can speak honestly here, let my feelings out...and it stays private by being anonymous.
Some here have dealt with this for years, and are in (leaving) marriages. I am far more fortunate than dealing with that stuff. My abf does not live with me, and it is fairly new of a relationship (and I am using the word loosely now). For a brief time, he said all the things I was hoping for...he wanted to be with me, for the rest of our lives, move in together, even how would we handle two sets of furniture (and his/her cats).
After several disputes around his being drunk, things started to go downhill. At THIS point, we are on talking terms, he "wants" to get back to where we were, but slowly.
Hmmm. Slowly includes TELLING me that he is still in love with me..but HAS NO TIME for doing anything with me. Then, going on for 10 minutes of how comfortable he feels with a mutual (female) "friend, how great it is that she enjoys watching football (and they plan to watch all the games together for the next few months), how he can talk with her for hours....blah blah blah. Among all this, of course..how he knows he "needs" to cut back drinking, maybe even quit.
Maybe the years of alcohol have fried his brain so bad, that he really thinks I am fooled by all of this? There is no rebuilding trust or a relationship, when all the attention is going elsewhere. When I raised the question of does he REALLY know who/what he wants, his comment was that I was jealous of his friendship. Nope. If that is where he is headed, I feel sorry for her.
What I relate to, in your story...he wants to have his cake (freedom to drink) and eat it too (hold on to possible reconciliation). Maybe if he leaves it open long enough, you'll back off regarding the drinking, in order to hold on to a bad situation, in hopes it will get better. I admit..there are times in the back of my head, I almost want to go along with the fantasy. And I'm 62, so youth is not the only factor here.
As one person here put it straight...he has a girlfriend and her name is alcohol. And he is playing the two of you against each other, while he turns off the phone and does not call.

smacked

Well my first though is, you don't HAVE to deal with it at all. If you choose to, that's of course up to you.. but it's not your job to stick around in a situation that is causing pain or imbalance in your life.

marie1960

Wonderish, The writing is on the wall. His actions say it all. He has chosen, you now know his agenda and priority. Alcoholics take hostages, they are not capable of being in relationships.

You asking him to stay sober for 10 months is a unattainable request for an alcoholic. Only he can decide that for himself. His actions tell me that he has no interest in doing that. When we question an alcoholic's soberity they take it as a personal attack, go on the defense and start to manipulate........... so what does he do? He shut his cell phone off and went offline, knowing that would upset you. He is saying "I'll show you".

Please take the time to read the stickies at the top of the threads. Educate yourself regarding this disease. You cannot control his alcoholism. We are powerless over this addiction. Alcoholism is progressive, it will only get worse, this is just a sneak preview of how your life will be if you choose to stay in this toxic situation.

I think it's time to concentrate on YOU. It's your turn to shut your cell phone off, and go offline. Save yourself.

Wishing all good things life has to offer.........

wonderish

Thanks everyone. I know it's my choice that will change everything, if I choose to do so.

It is difficult, as you all know. I just cant wrap my head around why he cant see what it does to him....

I really need to go to al-anon, or therapy... just something. I feel so lost and alone here.

Freedom1990

It's called denial, one of the key components in active alcoholism.

I found that acceptance of my EXAH's addictions/alcoholism brought me peace of mind.

m1k3

Something simple that will help you deal with his alcoholism.

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

He will only get better if he wants to. Until then why would you want to live like this?

BTW, if he doesn't embrace recovery it will only get worse. Do you really want a future where you know it is going to spiral downward into a really dark place?

I just left my wife of 36 years. She has been an active alcoholic the last 15 of them. I speak from experience as do many others about how bad it can get.

Go to al-anon, it is well worth it. They will not tell you how to fix your boyfriend but rather how to fix you. I know I am in a much better place since I have started there.

Your friend,

sherby

Yes the disease only progresses... It's sure madness and such a emotional roller coaster ride trying to have any kind of involvment with a addict... You don't really have a relationship, it's called being their victim..
Ask yourself all those questions that some have already posted here. Your young and trying to better your future. Please take care of you.

wonderish

So, like the thing is, HE is recieving help. He's on anti-depressants, and is now seeing a therapist 3-4 times a month.
He was just sober for 30 days, until last Tuesday.
Do I stick it out, because he does want help, and is trying, and I need to understand that there will be slip ups???

Sad12

I'm the last person to be offering advice to anyone, but - do you WANT to stick it out? You are not obligated to, you don't owe it to anybody. I'm just learning myself to figure out if I'm willing to accept things as they are, and trying to figure out at what point will I not be willing to accept things.

Accept meaning not beating yourself up about it, not going looking for evidence of misdeeds, not silently crying about it, just accepting that it is what it is.

If you really are willing to do that at this point, then stay. If you really are not, then don't. And try to figure out at what point you would have to say, "now this I am not willing to accept" so if it gets to that point, you know you owe it to yourself to walk away.

wonderish

It sucks... I've asked for 10 months, of him being sober, while im in school and he cant even do it.

wellnowwhat

It does suck!

If I had known my AH would be an alcoholic, I would never have married him.

You are forewarned. Use that to your advantage.

Your relationship sounds a little off-kilter. He's drinking and yet he's angry at you? You are in school and picking him up at 4 a.m.? He gets angry and gets into a manipulative pout and sulks off for a few days? BTW: "do his own thing" = "drink in peace"

Why not suggest that he continue to get help, get a year of good solid recovery, and maybe call you then (but you aren't waiting for the call). That'll give you a year to concentrate on your first year of school and you'll get a fresh perspective if you really want to get involved with a recovered alcoholic, or perhaps meet someone whose company you can enjoy without such drama. What's one year over a whole lifespan? Like sappy love songs and romance novels say "...if it's meant to be....".

Wishing you the best.

Freedom1990

It isn't that he can't. He won't. He isn't the least bit interested in committing to a program of recovery and embracing sobriety.

Now you know what his future plans are...drinking.

What are your future plans?

painterman

Just hoping that you take all this advice, and focus on your studies-and how many nice level headed guys will there be in University-who you can have decent conversation with rather than being demeaned all the time?
Keep looking forward.

searchbug

None of us can define this completely for you. Take what I say in stride.
I could not ask my xabf to stay sober for one weekend. Not ONE.
If he were not addicted to alcohol... 10 months is nothing to ask of someone.
If he IS addicted to alcohol, 10 days is too much to ask.

"can't wrap my head around him not seeing what it does"....
Same concept as above. Someone who "sees"...isn't addicted, and can control their drinking. I admit..I've been flat down smashed a time or two. And even now, I can identify/ recall that feeling of seeing what was going on around me, for a moment..then slipping into the zone of don't know.
Addicts deny addiction.

wonderish

last week it got bad and he assulted me. He is being charged with assult with a weapon. He spent 4 days in jail, his fam flew in and paid his $1000 bond.
Now im left picking up the pieces of my shattered life.