Talking to boyfriend about his drinking
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, at age 40, I would say that he has alot of years of drinking under his belt. Since he waits until you go to bed to do his heavy drinking I would say that he is trying to hide his "problem" from you.
If it were me, I'd just sit down with him and discuss the matter. You are not going to make him drink more by expressing your concerns. Then, watch his actions, the story will unfold.
Sometimes, we can over think an issue, I believe that is what you are doing.
If it were me, I'd just sit down with him and discuss the matter. You are not going to make him drink more by expressing your concerns. Then, watch his actions, the story will unfold.
Sometimes, we can over think an issue, I believe that is what you are doing.
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Originally Posted by Sad12 
I am uncomfortable now taking him out around people I work with, because if he has one beer, he will have as many as he is capable of drinking before I take him home. He doesn't seem to know that 1-2 drinks is really all that is acceptable in that environment.
Wishing you the best--hope you keep posting and exploring here.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Two things to keep in mind.
1. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
2. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. If he is an alcoholic it will get worse. If you read around here you can begin to see how much worse.
So, what are you doing for yourself? You are already being impacted by his drinking and it is having an effect on your relationship and your life.
I have learned, the hard way, that I need to look at the reality of what is going on and not the hope of where it might go. For me hope was a ball and chain that kept me on the roller coaster with my AW for 15 years.
I have also learned that my AW would do whatever it took to protect her addiction. She would hide it, lie about it, manipulate the people who loved her, anything to protect her addiction. She often used my love for her as a tool to keep me around so that she wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of her drinking and pills. The tearful "I sorry's" sliding directly into the snarling "why are you so mean to me" attacks. Nothing was out of bounds and she didn't care how much she hurt me or our daughters.
I'm not saying this is your future but I am saying if you read around here you will see that this type of behavior is documented over and over again by people posting here.
Your friend,
1. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
2. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. If he is an alcoholic it will get worse. If you read around here you can begin to see how much worse.
So, what are you doing for yourself? You are already being impacted by his drinking and it is having an effect on your relationship and your life.
I have learned, the hard way, that I need to look at the reality of what is going on and not the hope of where it might go. For me hope was a ball and chain that kept me on the roller coaster with my AW for 15 years.
I have also learned that my AW would do whatever it took to protect her addiction. She would hide it, lie about it, manipulate the people who loved her, anything to protect her addiction. She often used my love for her as a tool to keep me around so that she wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of her drinking and pills. The tearful "I sorry's" sliding directly into the snarling "why are you so mean to me" attacks. Nothing was out of bounds and she didn't care how much she hurt me or our daughters.
I'm not saying this is your future but I am saying if you read around here you will see that this type of behavior is documented over and over again by people posting here.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Montpelier, VT
Posts: 1
Sad12 and wonderish,
I am sorry to say that I, too, find myself in a similar situation and I don't have much to offer you, except empathy. My boyfriend is 31 and has been drinking heavily for a long time. Generally, it is at least a 12 pack almost every night, sometimes a little less, sometimes more, plus whiskey. He is a mellow guy and drinking just makes him stumble, slur and pass out. If he's out, there is a certain point when he no longer responds to texts or calls and can be MIA for hours at a time.
I am at a loss, as well. I love him, I'm a better person with him, we've been together for a year and a half (though we knew and dated each other when we were younger) and we don't fight, we can communicate about anything--except, it seems, this.
I am trying to talk with him. My biggest concern, aside from his own personal safety and health, is that I have a 7 year old that lives with us half-time (I have him 3-4 nights a week). I am not sure if it is an overreaction and part of the problem seems to be that my boyfriend doesn't see it as an issue, but I feel like being so drunk you have trouble walking through the house, taking off shoes or turning door knobs is not something my son, should he wake up, should see or even be under the same roof with.
I know he's an alcoholic, though it took a little while before I realized it. It comes in waves it seems, but it never fails to hurt me, a little more every time.
At some point he will have to choose between alcohol or me. I am not going to give him an ultimatum, but I am trying and will continue to try to let him know both how I feel and, in a non-accusatory or threatening way, what the eventual consequences will be. I don't think I can do it for too much longer, I can feel myself slowly retreating...slowly, but steadily.
Anyway, I would like to thank everyone who has written, it is helpful just to hear some outside opinions and situations.
Good luck and take care.
I am sorry to say that I, too, find myself in a similar situation and I don't have much to offer you, except empathy. My boyfriend is 31 and has been drinking heavily for a long time. Generally, it is at least a 12 pack almost every night, sometimes a little less, sometimes more, plus whiskey. He is a mellow guy and drinking just makes him stumble, slur and pass out. If he's out, there is a certain point when he no longer responds to texts or calls and can be MIA for hours at a time.
I am at a loss, as well. I love him, I'm a better person with him, we've been together for a year and a half (though we knew and dated each other when we were younger) and we don't fight, we can communicate about anything--except, it seems, this.
I am trying to talk with him. My biggest concern, aside from his own personal safety and health, is that I have a 7 year old that lives with us half-time (I have him 3-4 nights a week). I am not sure if it is an overreaction and part of the problem seems to be that my boyfriend doesn't see it as an issue, but I feel like being so drunk you have trouble walking through the house, taking off shoes or turning door knobs is not something my son, should he wake up, should see or even be under the same roof with.
I know he's an alcoholic, though it took a little while before I realized it. It comes in waves it seems, but it never fails to hurt me, a little more every time.
At some point he will have to choose between alcohol or me. I am not going to give him an ultimatum, but I am trying and will continue to try to let him know both how I feel and, in a non-accusatory or threatening way, what the eventual consequences will be. I don't think I can do it for too much longer, I can feel myself slowly retreating...slowly, but steadily.
Anyway, I would like to thank everyone who has written, it is helpful just to hear some outside opinions and situations.
Good luck and take care.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 1
I'm going through a similar situation and working up the courage to have that heart-to-heart talk. If there's anything I've learned in my life (based on a long-term relationship with a prior addict), it's better to use your voice and speak up about what concerns you as soon as you recognize that it's creating an issue rather than remaining quiet and watching your relationship fall apart over the years. You can't fix someone else. You can only speak for yourself <3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Flyaway, and welcome to SR. I see this is your first post. Glad you found us here.
Just wanted to let you know that the thread you posted to is 5 years old, and the most recent post is from 2013, so it's not likely the original posters will reply to you, as they may no longer be here at SR. (I don't want you to take it personally if you don't get a response!)
Maybe you could start a thread of your own, telling a little bit about yourself and what's going on in your world. This is a very active board, with a lot of sharing and support, and I think you'll be glad you joined.
Hope to hear more from you!
Just wanted to let you know that the thread you posted to is 5 years old, and the most recent post is from 2013, so it's not likely the original posters will reply to you, as they may no longer be here at SR. (I don't want you to take it personally if you don't get a response!)
Maybe you could start a thread of your own, telling a little bit about yourself and what's going on in your world. This is a very active board, with a lot of sharing and support, and I think you'll be glad you joined.
Hope to hear more from you!
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