how many more times.....
 

will i let it "just go" and move on the way things are? i'm fooling myself. i want to leave him soooooooo bad but i'm so hesitant because of finances, mental strain, and just plain tired of having to be the one who makes all the first steps. i have places to stay and people who care about me but i still feel bad for him and i worry about him. i've tried to be strong, bitter, angry and all of those things but that sappy me keeps on shining through. i'm nearing the end of my rope but i still can see that jumping off point. my hair is falling out, i've chewed off every beautiful nail i own, i eat without being hungry and my heart is always heavy. i just need to get away from this life. people get up and start over every day. what's my problem!! no matter how strong i pretend to be, i'm not.

thanks....just needed to say that and get it off my chest.....

Hugs to you.

I understand your frustration. Is there some small step you can take that might make you feel better, without the mental strain of envisioning leaving completely?

Kitty

well tonight will be a bad night because he called me at work and he's drunk and upset that his mother is angry with him and asked him to leave her house. don't blame her at all. but that means i will likely be walking into another nightmare when i get home.....but my plan is to calmly do my laundry and the chores i planned to do this evening. if he starts in on me i will just leave and go spend the night with a friend. its so unfair that i have to leave my home and be the one spewed all over the place..... i will go shopping and buy some new shoes....that always helps!

Hugs to you, breakingglass, from another who is dealing with the physical effects of stress and anxiety (hives, skin rashes, weight loss, lack of appetite). Take it one day at a time, make your plans, and put them into action. I dreaded for months knowing I was coming to an impasse with my AH, and found it was somewhat of a relief when I finally took action and separated from him. It has been very hard, but not nearly as hard as continuing to live that lonely life under the same roof.

I did not know what would happen when I asked AH to leave. I knew he would dig in his heels and refuse. To my surprise, he agreed to do so when I simply said "we can do this the hard way or the easy way." I was afraid he'd call my bluff so had a backup plan to move out myself, with four kids in tow.

well tonight will be a bad night because he called me at work and he's drunk and upset that his mother is angry with him and asked him to leave her house. don't blame her at all. but that means i will likely be walking into another nightmare when i get home.....but my plan is to calmly do my laundry and the chores i planned to do this evening. if he starts in on me i will just leave and go spend the night with a friend. its so unfair that i have to leave my home and be the one spewed all over the place..... i will go shopping and buy some new shoes....that always helps!

and thanks for the hugs!

I stayed "stuck" for so long because of my own issues... yet I didn't see it that way. I saw my AH as my captor. I saw fixing him as the solution. I had no clue why the hell I kept choosing to stay... like you I thought, WTF is wrong with me??!

Today, through the help of Al-anon, a sponsor, and counseling... I see WTF is wrong with me!!! Living with an active addict destroyed my mind, my self-worth... it weakened me. I learned very unhealthy coping mechanisms - that kept me accepting the unacceptable. Changing all that takes time - and A LOT of hard work.

So... when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired... maybe consider giving Al-anon a try? It really has helped me a ton.

Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon

oh i can not wait to get to that point. good for you.... i did decide to join a gym with a girlfriend of mine. i think it will help me a lot.

I didn't even realize that I could choose to leave util I hit a point where the pain of staying was worse than the pain of leaving. It was like a light bulb turning on. I went from trying to deal with the situation to I'm leaving. I was moved out 3 weeks later. That was 5 months ago. It has been scary, lonely and much, much better than it was when i was still with her. I'm not sure where I go from here but now that I have the time and breathing space to work on my recovery it doesn't matter. I know one thing though and that is I am not going back.

Your friend,

i think that's what it will come down to for me.... when staying becomes more painful than leaving. i guess i just feel bad that he's laid off from his union and without my pay check he could lose his house (my name is not on it.....that might be a good thing). but i know in my heart that i can't keep staying out of pity.

Perhaps looking at from another perspective might help...

how would you feel if your husband stayed with you only because he pitied you?

Sometimes we women need to put on our big girl panties and do the right thing for us, stand up and be counted and move forward with our lives.

You are in your early 50's and most likely have many years ahead of you, do you really want to spend them taking care of a drunk?

I really do not understand the finance thing as he does not work, and you do have others places to go, so is this just an excuse?

I do not know the real reason why you don't leave, all I know is that this is your life and you only have one pass thru, this is not a dress rehersal.

Have you gone to Alanon meetings? Might help you get a better grip on the situation.

It took me until I got there...and not a minute earlier.

Once I knew though, I knew, and I bet you will too.

I am worth more than I gave myself credit for, and I bet you are too.

let me explain the finance issue. he does collect. in fact more than i do working 40+ hours a week. not saying that i am dependent on him to live but our mortgage is only $440 a month. where can i find a rent for that much! plus paying utilities myself, food, gas, etc..... its always easier with two people contributing. and i do have places to go....temporarily. i would have to get my own place sooner than later.

Ok, thanks for the clarification.

For me, my well being and happiness comes before money. That, however, is an individual choice.

I was 58 when I tossed exabf out, yes, I had to make some financial adjustments, but I have prevailed, no regrets on my part.

Do whatever is best for you, if you decide to stay then you must accept him for who he is, as, he will not change, you can only change you.

I would suggest meetings, they will help you learn how to detach.

Take care!

You never know what's out there for rentals until you look.

I rent a two-story, 4 bedroom house for $400 a month. Granted it's an old house, but it's home to me.