Like most.....I am back here to heal, AGAIN.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Like most.....I am back here to heal, AGAIN.
I didn't think I would ever say that. Hi everyone, new and old.
Some may remember me; I remember many of you, though LOTS of new names and stories.
Well, I left the state were my A was over a year ago. If some would recall, he went back to his younger, partying ex not too long after I moved there. Broke my heart...yada yada. Took that whole year to heal and learn and move on. Obviously I never really did. Though I thought once I moved 2000 miles away, for sure, there would be no contact.
He contacted me about 2 months after I moved. I was sitting in Barnes N Nobles reading an article about forgiveness (Oh the irony!) and I got a text out of nowhere saying "I thought you would have grown up by now".
RED FLAG ONE. No, RED FLAG 547.
I should not have responded. But inside, there was some feeling of validation that he was still contacting me. I clearly have VERY LOW self esteem.
He was referring the fact that I had him blocked on facebook (aka The Devils Playground). Why wouldn't I?
I didn't want to respond with hate or fight. So I said "I wish nothing bad for you, I have moved on and I wish you the best." To which he said " We said a lot of hateful things to each other, I for one am truly sorry. We could at least be cordial to each other".
He asked if he could call. For a year I wanted to have THIS conversation, to tell him how I felt, to hear him admit his lies. It wasn't hard for him to bait me back in. So I allowed him to speak to me..... and so began the lesson that I was about to learn.
He was still with his GF, who he broke up with a month later. Only in hindsight was I able to realize that contacting me was calculated, and he had planned to break up with her. He admitted to me how he did it, told her he was going to move back to Michigan with her to be with her fam, put her on a plane, once she got there told her he wasn't coming. He said he planned that.
And this was someone he said he LOVED. So I should be surprised in how he treated me??? Ok.
At first I did tell him it wasn't a good idea for us to talk. Then I got the manipulative emails "Laura and I broke up...i'm going back to war". Really, that's all it said. It tugged at my heartstrings as he knew how I felt about his time at war.
He pleaded with me to be FRIENDS. Said he was sorry for how he treated me, knew that it was awful for me. I felt a sense of validation that he admitted that. ( But over time, I realized I still could not let it go).
He asked me what he needed to do to prove to me that he wasn't full of sh**. I told him he needed to get on a plane and have a face to face conversation and show me respect.
I knew that was not to happen, and it was something that plagued the rest of the time speaking to him. He promised he would.
He started to use affection over the phone, things I had wanted so much to hear from him.
Then a couple months into it starts the emotional abuse. But the kind that left me questioning....was it me? Do I have a right to be upset? Am I wrong? It was covert, but obvious to me, and very well played.
The affection stopped after a short period of time, but he called me just about every night in the beginning. Literally 3000 hours plus per month on the phone. I cant really explain the connection I felt with him or why I felt like I needed to talk to him.
Over the next year he would remind me that I loved him. Yes, HE WOULD TELL ME. I never said it, maybe once near the beginning. But he held on to that. And it was always followed by,/ but I don't feel the same way./ But you're my best friend. /We're friends, we can tell each other anything. /I LOVE talking to you./ We are so attracted to each other, if we were together, we would be the hottest couple here, but I don't want to be with anyone./
I can't tell you how many times I heard him say to me I don't love you. Hearing that over and over can emotionally crush you. Especially when I am NOT telling him I want to be with him.
Over time, the more we talked, the more it validated that he and I were 2 different people, and I fooled myself into thinking that was enough to put up with some of the stuff he said to me, because I didn't want to be with him, so why not keep just being "friends"? Because I could NEVER trust him, and NEVER let the past go, and it was ALWAYS there. I was triggered A LOT. And then he would blame me for getting upset and saying he was tired of being blamed for the past.
He was drunk most of the time when we talked, maybe not drunk, but drinking. He called me one morning after he had done coke one night telling me he wished he hadn't and he was never doing it again. He would tell me about the psychedelic mushrooms he would take with friends, saying it was ok because it was a natural drug. The X he did in Miami. Then came the pot. ALL of the pot. That became his drug of choice. He said it relieved his anxiety due to combat PTSD. (there are studies on it actually in relation). But he was certainly not getting it prescribed.
At this point, my codie behavior in trying to get him to stop was gone, I let him do what he was gonna do without question. A few times we debated about it. He would tell me things to try and validate his use of it out of nowhere like "I told my doctor and he was like right on! Keep smoking it, if it's working it's working". Yeah.
He would "slip" and tell me how he screwed some girl. While telling me that I would have to come visit him when he moved to Europe with his family and we would tour Italy.
We had stopped talking a couple of times throughout and he usually manipulated his way back in (EASILY) like calling me about a friend beating him up and he was bleeding all over.
But like I said, the past was ALWAYS there. And he NEVER got on a plane to see me. There was always a reason, an excuse. And he expected me to be ok with it. To accept everything as it was. I couldn't do it. While he was giving me excused about not coming to see me, he would throw in stories about his ex's and long distance relationships and how he would fly every weekend to see them. It's SO manipulative, and so emotionally abusive. And I would react, as he intended. And he would then blame me for getting upset. This lead to the end about a month ago. We started to argue about that, and then he said something that was SO hurtful to me " I was only affectionate with you because I was wasted"........
I was tired, and hurt. He sent a luke warm apology via text. All of the past 2 years just built up. He of course blamed me for saying that, saying that he only said it because he was upset at the stuff I was saying and bringing up the past.
He has left the country. He is in Wales, to attend grad school (which I honestly CANNOT understand how he is capable of this, truly). He gave me the silent treatment before leaving as a form of punishment because I deleted him from facebook. He would not accept his role in that. Surprise. And after a year of speaking to me almost every night, he cut me out right before he left.
Every abandonment issue I have surfaced that day and I lost it. I cried, I felt like an atomic bomb exploded in my heart, and I felt an intense need to just say goodbye. He refused, then shut off his phone after I left a message in tears.
There were so many more covert manipulative things through the past year, but it's all so confusing. And I CHOSE TO PUT UP WITH IT. I CHOSE TO KEEP HIM IN MY LIFE, ignoring the abuse and clinging on to the words of friendship.
I have tremendous abandonment issues. My father disowned me several years ago, and I have no family really. He came into my life after my father disowned me, so I think I clung to him as a fix. I've tried to reach out to my father and he's never responded, so that kind of treatment just devistates me and I can't handle it and I react.
I returned here in silence to read and remind myself that his treatment of me was not ME, it was what they do. I had a choice to let him back in, or not. I let him back in and I got burned (even just on the side of friendship) he is not capable of being my friend and I am not capable of being his. That was hard to accept as I saw him be friends with so many others. I was always treated differently though, and I was struggling to be treated the same.
When I was reading about emotional abuse, and he describes what I went through with him for sure, I was bothered because it kind of described some of what I did to him, like bringing up the past and blaming him for it. I feel like I did that. Those are the things that make me feel like I was in the wrong. Did he have a right to be angry at me. Things like that. I hate that I contributed to that treatment. But I did, and I did because of who I was dealing with.
For the first time in my life I have gone on anti-depressants. I've realized I need some additional help there. I've blocked him and changed my phone number. So there is no contact at all now. I finally accepted what an unhealthy relationship this really was. I have good things, I am in school, and I have a job, and I am doing ok.
But the realization that I have A LOT that I still need to address is very real.
One of the last things he said to me was "Everyone has their issues, please address yours". Though hearing that from him, someone who was REALLY horrible to me over time, was a hard pill to swallow, and he said it to remove himself from responsibility. But he was right. But I feel used and stupid.
Wow, this is so long, and doesn't even cover everything. So thank you to anyone who made it through.
It seems confusing and all over the place, but good therapy for me to write it out.
Some may remember me; I remember many of you, though LOTS of new names and stories.
Well, I left the state were my A was over a year ago. If some would recall, he went back to his younger, partying ex not too long after I moved there. Broke my heart...yada yada. Took that whole year to heal and learn and move on. Obviously I never really did. Though I thought once I moved 2000 miles away, for sure, there would be no contact.
He contacted me about 2 months after I moved. I was sitting in Barnes N Nobles reading an article about forgiveness (Oh the irony!) and I got a text out of nowhere saying "I thought you would have grown up by now".
RED FLAG ONE. No, RED FLAG 547.
I should not have responded. But inside, there was some feeling of validation that he was still contacting me. I clearly have VERY LOW self esteem.
He was referring the fact that I had him blocked on facebook (aka The Devils Playground). Why wouldn't I?
I didn't want to respond with hate or fight. So I said "I wish nothing bad for you, I have moved on and I wish you the best." To which he said " We said a lot of hateful things to each other, I for one am truly sorry. We could at least be cordial to each other".
He asked if he could call. For a year I wanted to have THIS conversation, to tell him how I felt, to hear him admit his lies. It wasn't hard for him to bait me back in. So I allowed him to speak to me..... and so began the lesson that I was about to learn.
He was still with his GF, who he broke up with a month later. Only in hindsight was I able to realize that contacting me was calculated, and he had planned to break up with her. He admitted to me how he did it, told her he was going to move back to Michigan with her to be with her fam, put her on a plane, once she got there told her he wasn't coming. He said he planned that.
And this was someone he said he LOVED. So I should be surprised in how he treated me??? Ok.
At first I did tell him it wasn't a good idea for us to talk. Then I got the manipulative emails "Laura and I broke up...i'm going back to war". Really, that's all it said. It tugged at my heartstrings as he knew how I felt about his time at war.
He pleaded with me to be FRIENDS. Said he was sorry for how he treated me, knew that it was awful for me. I felt a sense of validation that he admitted that. ( But over time, I realized I still could not let it go).
He asked me what he needed to do to prove to me that he wasn't full of sh**. I told him he needed to get on a plane and have a face to face conversation and show me respect.
I knew that was not to happen, and it was something that plagued the rest of the time speaking to him. He promised he would.
He started to use affection over the phone, things I had wanted so much to hear from him.
Then a couple months into it starts the emotional abuse. But the kind that left me questioning....was it me? Do I have a right to be upset? Am I wrong? It was covert, but obvious to me, and very well played.
The affection stopped after a short period of time, but he called me just about every night in the beginning. Literally 3000 hours plus per month on the phone. I cant really explain the connection I felt with him or why I felt like I needed to talk to him.
Over the next year he would remind me that I loved him. Yes, HE WOULD TELL ME. I never said it, maybe once near the beginning. But he held on to that. And it was always followed by,/ but I don't feel the same way./ But you're my best friend. /We're friends, we can tell each other anything. /I LOVE talking to you./ We are so attracted to each other, if we were together, we would be the hottest couple here, but I don't want to be with anyone./
I can't tell you how many times I heard him say to me I don't love you. Hearing that over and over can emotionally crush you. Especially when I am NOT telling him I want to be with him.
Over time, the more we talked, the more it validated that he and I were 2 different people, and I fooled myself into thinking that was enough to put up with some of the stuff he said to me, because I didn't want to be with him, so why not keep just being "friends"? Because I could NEVER trust him, and NEVER let the past go, and it was ALWAYS there. I was triggered A LOT. And then he would blame me for getting upset and saying he was tired of being blamed for the past.
He was drunk most of the time when we talked, maybe not drunk, but drinking. He called me one morning after he had done coke one night telling me he wished he hadn't and he was never doing it again. He would tell me about the psychedelic mushrooms he would take with friends, saying it was ok because it was a natural drug. The X he did in Miami. Then came the pot. ALL of the pot. That became his drug of choice. He said it relieved his anxiety due to combat PTSD. (there are studies on it actually in relation). But he was certainly not getting it prescribed.
At this point, my codie behavior in trying to get him to stop was gone, I let him do what he was gonna do without question. A few times we debated about it. He would tell me things to try and validate his use of it out of nowhere like "I told my doctor and he was like right on! Keep smoking it, if it's working it's working". Yeah.
He would "slip" and tell me how he screwed some girl. While telling me that I would have to come visit him when he moved to Europe with his family and we would tour Italy.
We had stopped talking a couple of times throughout and he usually manipulated his way back in (EASILY) like calling me about a friend beating him up and he was bleeding all over.
But like I said, the past was ALWAYS there. And he NEVER got on a plane to see me. There was always a reason, an excuse. And he expected me to be ok with it. To accept everything as it was. I couldn't do it. While he was giving me excused about not coming to see me, he would throw in stories about his ex's and long distance relationships and how he would fly every weekend to see them. It's SO manipulative, and so emotionally abusive. And I would react, as he intended. And he would then blame me for getting upset. This lead to the end about a month ago. We started to argue about that, and then he said something that was SO hurtful to me " I was only affectionate with you because I was wasted"........
I was tired, and hurt. He sent a luke warm apology via text. All of the past 2 years just built up. He of course blamed me for saying that, saying that he only said it because he was upset at the stuff I was saying and bringing up the past.
He has left the country. He is in Wales, to attend grad school (which I honestly CANNOT understand how he is capable of this, truly). He gave me the silent treatment before leaving as a form of punishment because I deleted him from facebook. He would not accept his role in that. Surprise. And after a year of speaking to me almost every night, he cut me out right before he left.
Every abandonment issue I have surfaced that day and I lost it. I cried, I felt like an atomic bomb exploded in my heart, and I felt an intense need to just say goodbye. He refused, then shut off his phone after I left a message in tears.
There were so many more covert manipulative things through the past year, but it's all so confusing. And I CHOSE TO PUT UP WITH IT. I CHOSE TO KEEP HIM IN MY LIFE, ignoring the abuse and clinging on to the words of friendship.
I have tremendous abandonment issues. My father disowned me several years ago, and I have no family really. He came into my life after my father disowned me, so I think I clung to him as a fix. I've tried to reach out to my father and he's never responded, so that kind of treatment just devistates me and I can't handle it and I react.
I returned here in silence to read and remind myself that his treatment of me was not ME, it was what they do. I had a choice to let him back in, or not. I let him back in and I got burned (even just on the side of friendship) he is not capable of being my friend and I am not capable of being his. That was hard to accept as I saw him be friends with so many others. I was always treated differently though, and I was struggling to be treated the same.
When I was reading about emotional abuse, and he describes what I went through with him for sure, I was bothered because it kind of described some of what I did to him, like bringing up the past and blaming him for it. I feel like I did that. Those are the things that make me feel like I was in the wrong. Did he have a right to be angry at me. Things like that. I hate that I contributed to that treatment. But I did, and I did because of who I was dealing with.
For the first time in my life I have gone on anti-depressants. I've realized I need some additional help there. I've blocked him and changed my phone number. So there is no contact at all now. I finally accepted what an unhealthy relationship this really was. I have good things, I am in school, and I have a job, and I am doing ok.
But the realization that I have A LOT that I still need to address is very real.
One of the last things he said to me was "Everyone has their issues, please address yours". Though hearing that from him, someone who was REALLY horrible to me over time, was a hard pill to swallow, and he said it to remove himself from responsibility. But he was right. But I feel used and stupid.
Wow, this is so long, and doesn't even cover everything. So thank you to anyone who made it through.
It seems confusing and all over the place, but good therapy for me to write it out.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Sorry to hear you got back on that roller coaster, but I am glad you are here to start healing.
It's so easy to get sucked back in, and next thing you know, you're neck deep in their insanity.
Welcome back, and sending you hugs of support!
It's so easy to get sucked back in, and next thing you know, you're neck deep in their insanity.
Welcome back, and sending you hugs of support!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Thanks Freedom. Yes, how easy it is.
I obviously must have enjoyed many conversations with him, but my gift to myself now is the peace in NEVER having to wonder again if I am going to have something hurtful said to me, hearing about drugs, drinking, and girls. And ALWAYS waiting and looking for the next painful moment..... and waiting endlessly for the next good moment. And mostly, focusing on friends who treat me like a friend. A real friend, not a substitute.
Much love to ya!
I obviously must have enjoyed many conversations with him, but my gift to myself now is the peace in NEVER having to wonder again if I am going to have something hurtful said to me, hearing about drugs, drinking, and girls. And ALWAYS waiting and looking for the next painful moment..... and waiting endlessly for the next good moment. And mostly, focusing on friends who treat me like a friend. A real friend, not a substitute.
Much love to ya!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
When I look at what I value in a true friendship these days, it's painful to see what I settled for with the EXAH, and many subsequent dysfunctional relationships.
Stick around and we'll help you along in your journey of healing!
I know my real friends did!
Stick around and we'll help you along in your journey of healing!
I know my real friends did!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 10
Kitty- I know how you feel. I catch myself being sucked back in, when having no contact, if he tries to ignore or acts in any way cold. It's like I know I need no contact and its what I want... but as soon as he's ok with it, or not talking to me and abiding by it I am all the sudden insecure crazy girl again.... and why??? So I can allow myself to be consumed? Thank you for your post. It made me realize some abandonment issues I probably have myself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
My dad disowned me too (and his whole side of the family) for reasons that were just crazy. Even though I can very logically look at it for what it is being abandoned by a parent (and other family members) takes a huge emotional toil on us. My step father, while better than my biological dad, has never been the father he should be to me. I see now that the lack of having a loving, caring, good father in my life left me needy, needy for acceptance and attention from men. Then you add a relationship with an alcoholic to the mix,..... yikes! No wonder we accepted unacceptable behavior and drove ourselves crazy trying to be likable/lovable to men who simply were not emotionally available.
What we do have is tomorrow, to work on ourselves, discovery what is acceptable behavior, and begin the healing process. Al-anon meetings have really helped me focus on why I think the way I do.
What we do have is tomorrow, to work on ourselves, discovery what is acceptable behavior, and begin the healing process. Al-anon meetings have really helped me focus on why I think the way I do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
BIKB- Yes and yes! It's the psychological aspect of it that messes us up. I can recall many times while on the phone with him and he was going on and on and on about music (I don't really have a passion for the type of music he does), and pot, or drinking with friends, that I would realize how non productive this conversation was for me. I was there FOR HIM, and that's how he saw it too.
Yes, I turned into CRAZY GIRL. I think the thing that pisses me off the most is that he would tell me that his ex was "mentally ill". I never believed him, and I would say, no she's just young and had her heart broken, he would swear she was. Now I can only imagine that everyone hears how mentally ill I am. It's sickening to me.
There were so many times where I wanted to stop talking to him, and I looked for reasons to get mad at him (there were plenty there), like I wanted to sabotage it. I knew it was bad for me, but when it was gone I was sad, so I would go back for more.
I got so consumed again. When I was going through healing the first time I would come here, I would read about meditation, peace, forgiveness etc etc, but I noticed that when I let him back in, I forgot about me, again. I didn't read like I use to, I certainly didn't come here and read. I really think I just didn't want to face what he was again.
Abandonment issues will sneak up on you. And they are difficult to tackle. My emotional response to him leaving and not saying goodbye was heartwrenching. Some people would be pissed, and say oh well fine see ya then! But I felt like I was being left behind, dropped again, and it just came out. I went off via text and voicemail.
I don't really regret my reaction though, it was real. And it was 2 years built up of distrust and anger that I again tucked inside because I wanted to believe him. Proof that it's never good to tuck away feelings.
I can't lie, I think I am most angry that he is off in a beautiful European setting living it up. Right now, it makes me sick.
Alone- That's exactly it too. What I put up with because of being abandoned, and literally feeling so unloved. I feel so unloved yet I was so attached to someone who reminded me over and over that he didn't love me. Wow.
I thought I had accepted the abandonment issues in my life really, but they have clearly made themselves quite at home, much deeper than I thought.
I do not ever want to put myself in a similar situation ever again. I will be single before I will allow someone to treat me as disrespectfully as he did, and then blame me for it, and blame me for not getting over it.
Yes, I turned into CRAZY GIRL. I think the thing that pisses me off the most is that he would tell me that his ex was "mentally ill". I never believed him, and I would say, no she's just young and had her heart broken, he would swear she was. Now I can only imagine that everyone hears how mentally ill I am. It's sickening to me.
There were so many times where I wanted to stop talking to him, and I looked for reasons to get mad at him (there were plenty there), like I wanted to sabotage it. I knew it was bad for me, but when it was gone I was sad, so I would go back for more.
I got so consumed again. When I was going through healing the first time I would come here, I would read about meditation, peace, forgiveness etc etc, but I noticed that when I let him back in, I forgot about me, again. I didn't read like I use to, I certainly didn't come here and read. I really think I just didn't want to face what he was again.
Abandonment issues will sneak up on you. And they are difficult to tackle. My emotional response to him leaving and not saying goodbye was heartwrenching. Some people would be pissed, and say oh well fine see ya then! But I felt like I was being left behind, dropped again, and it just came out. I went off via text and voicemail.
I don't really regret my reaction though, it was real. And it was 2 years built up of distrust and anger that I again tucked inside because I wanted to believe him. Proof that it's never good to tuck away feelings.
I can't lie, I think I am most angry that he is off in a beautiful European setting living it up. Right now, it makes me sick.
Alone- That's exactly it too. What I put up with because of being abandoned, and literally feeling so unloved. I feel so unloved yet I was so attached to someone who reminded me over and over that he didn't love me. Wow.
I thought I had accepted the abandonment issues in my life really, but they have clearly made themselves quite at home, much deeper than I thought.
I do not ever want to put myself in a similar situation ever again. I will be single before I will allow someone to treat me as disrespectfully as he did, and then blame me for it, and blame me for not getting over it.
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