Why did my RAH sponser tell him to ask me this of me?

Old 09-20-2011, 10:48 PM
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Question Why did my RAH sponser tell him to ask me this of me?

I don't get it.

My RAH who regularly attends AA and is working his steps met w/ his sponser and was told to ask ME to help with his 6th step? know the list your character defects one.

I refused. My feeling is that these are things that HE views as defects not what I see as defects.
We have enough problems without me weighing in on his program.
I do not think it is my place. I think it can only add to the resentments that we both have toward one another.

I asked another alnon about it and she totally agreed and said she would have said no too. Doesn't feel it's really something that should have been suggested.

Let me add my husbands sponser have been married ...well lets just say he's in the double digits number of times. LITERALLY. I don't think he's the best person to be giving marital advice whether it be relating to the program or not.

Was I wrong to say no. I did so nicely. I just said it was his program to work not mine and I don't ask him to get involved in mine either. I pointed out the possible resentment issues that could result but it just left him saying I wasn't' being supportive.
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Old 09-20-2011, 11:26 PM
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You gave the correct answer.

Not your problem. He doesn't need help with the 6th step from you.

Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no clue as to what his sponsor was thinking, I would NEVER tell one of my sponsees to have their SO help them with ANY of their steps.

J M H O based on over 30 years of continuous recovery from alcohol and drugs and over 27 years of working on my own codependent issues.

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-21-2011, 04:32 AM
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I agree with you, and with Laurie. Part of the process in step 6 is for the person undergoing the steps to grow in their insight about themself. This comes from digging around in themself, looking for answers, patterns, truths. Same reason a good therapist doesn't just spell it all out to a client - the client must learn to recognize and acknowledge things for themself, in order to embrace them.

Good job, dodging that bullet!

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Old 09-21-2011, 05:08 AM
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Smart move on your part!
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Old 09-21-2011, 05:20 AM
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You absolutely did the right thing.
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Old 09-21-2011, 05:22 AM
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Ditto, the only person who should be helping work the steps is a sponsor and even they should only guide in the how to but not the specifics of anyone's inventory.

Step 6 is about asking God to remove the defects of character...not asking the spouse to point them out.

Good luck and wise move to stay on your own side of the street.

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Old 09-21-2011, 06:05 AM
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The way I see it Step 6 isn't something you can do it is simply the result of progress made in steps 1-5.

"Became entirely ready to have God remove..." is a crystallization of the work done in Steps 1-3. In these steps you recognize your powerlessness, you recognize a Higher Power and you submit your will and your life to that Higher Power. The submission eventually reaches "entirely ready" proportions and the powerlessness and Higher Power aspects point to the God removing part.

"...all these defects of character" are found in steps 4 and 5. Through inventory and admission and review of the exact nature of these things the defects are clearly isolated and understood and the heart can understand the reasons for their existence as well as the reluctance to let them go (ie, not being entirely ready).

Except for the part in Step 5 where admission is made to another human being, all the work is between the person and his/her Higher Power. The other human beings are most appropriately the sponsor or peers in their program at this stage. Steps 9, 10 and maybe 12 get to involve you in ways that shouldn't be capable of causing further harm.
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Old 09-21-2011, 07:10 AM
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I can see why your RAH wanted your sponsor to ask - he wants to remove the responsibility from himself and give it to someone else, rather than work it the way he's supposed to. That's human nature - how many of us tried to get out of homework in school when we were younger? But eventually we'd sit down and get it done, or face the consequences for not doing it, and he'll go through the same thing with this.

The part that has me scratching my head is why his sponsor actually followed through and asked. Still, though, that's your RAH's issue, and his sponsor's issue - it is not your issue.

I completely agree with your answer, and your reasoning. Good for you! You are doing well in your program, and it really shows when you can answer tricky questions like this with grace.
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Old 09-21-2011, 07:18 AM
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His sponsor may or may not have suggested that. Either way, I agree with what has been said already. It's his issue to deal with, not yours. Kudos to you for saying no!
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Old 09-21-2011, 03:57 PM
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Why is he even having trouble with this? It shouldn't be that hard to find character defects within yourself, by yourself.
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Old 09-24-2011, 08:46 AM
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I bet his sponsor never even said that.
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