halvsie

Hey, all,
I was wondering if all the partners we fall for are alcholics, addicts, and codependents, then, what do we do? I understand continued meetings at alanon are very important and I wouldn't give them up for anybody. But, what happens when two codependents, who aren't alcoholics/addicts, meet up? Is codependency the only attraction between the two people? Would it be doomed to fail miserably just like when a codependent and alcoholic/addict make a go of it? Anyone in this situation or have experience in this area?

painterman

I suppose there are all kinds of levels of codependency, but I'm sure all are well meaning from the outset-trying to rationalise a situation that they didn't create, and not realising that they can't change it. I don't think we choose it from a weak or masochistic standpoint so from that point of view I think a very healthy relationship could exist, in fact I think it would be a stronger relationship because of shared experiences.

nodaybut2day

My marriage to XAH was a classic tale of two codependents meeting and hanging onto each other for dear life. Looking back, it was kind of hilarious how we both grabbed the other to save ourselves from our miserable lives. In the end though, his personality and abuse took over and he ended up with the "power". It was utterly and completely destructive.

LaTeeDa

My experience has been that the more I embrace my own recovery, the less I am attracted to other dysfunctional people. For example, I have an aunt, whom I was once very close with. These days, I don't interact much with her because her playing the victim and blaming everyone in the world for her problems just isn't very interesting to me any more. I've also discovered I'm less likely to spend time with people out of a sense of obligation, and more likely to spend time with people who I enjoy being around.

L

choublak

Didn't the two of you meet in a swinger's group? Wouldn't that fact alone have more to do with why the relationship was destructive, than codependency?

halvsie

Yeah, I could see it both ways....a codependant as an alcoholic who is looking for a fixer/enabler and a codependant as the fixer looking for his/her next fix.

dbh

My husband and I both have dads who were alcoholics. We've been together for 15 years.

We each have our co-dependency/adult child issues, but somehow we manage to balance each other in a good way.

I think because of our shared backgrounds we're a little more understanding of each others "quirks" and the strange behaviors in both of our families.

We're also aware of how our upbringing affected us. I can tell when things trigger me or when I'm heading down an unhealthy path. However, I have to be careful not to analyze him too much. I sometimes find myself telling him why I think he's acting a certain way ... that doesn't go over too well.

One thing that we share is a strong desire to make sure our children don't have the childhood that we had. Our house is peaceful and we all treat each other with respect.

So far, it's working out okay for us :-)

db

choublak

I think OP is reading a little too much into this.

So, I'm a Pisces, can I date another Pisces?

nodaybut2day

Not per say...some people manage to live quite happily while in an open relationship (I am not one of those people). I think the toxicity of the relationship had more to do with our states of mind and the dynamics of the swinger's group. It looked more like a cult than anything else. When I met XAH, I was without a job, done with school, directionless, and in a real bad place. As for the swinger's group, they told me that I'd never be able to leave and would come crawling back. I was trying to disengage from the people in that group, but they were quite persistent and invasive (I know that's not the case for other groups). As for XAH, he was miserable in his marriage, barely functional (read: downer 1 bottle of JD a day) and looking for a savior. Mix all that together and voilà: the worst foundation for a relationship ever.

TakingCharge999

Lately I have concluded:

Everyone is insane. Including me.

Right now... I like to hang around with people who are truly supportive and believe in me

And

People that strive to improve, in any aspect of their life not necessarily codependency (for instance people that do sports)

To me if someone is self aware and focused on getting better, even if he or she is codependent, or depressive or whatever, then we have something in common.

I also talk to God often and Thank Her for sending me the people I need to know to learn things about myself, wake up to some reality, be thankful for things I wouldn't have noticed otherwise, etc.

I asked HP for Clarity about people around me and Oh Boy has She delivered the two times I have asked for this.


Hugs.

halvsie

To nodaybuttoday: I respect the hole you have climbed out of. Years ago, I was in a very similar hole. We aren't statistics, so we have a lot of gratitude for our higher powers, right?

If OP means Original Poster, then, no, I don't think I'm reading too much into anything. Part of learning about all of this, or anything, is to ask questions. I won't pretend to know the answers for something I haven't experienced. I have found the members on this forum to be a wealth of information because there are people who have figured it out. I won't take that for granted because I find it supporting and enriching to my own experiences. I have much gratitude for the people on this forum.

LifeRecovery

I am working out some of this now, so take it with a grain of salt.

I think my exH struggled with codependancy and so do many I know who struggle with addictions.

I also find though that many of my non-romantic relationships can get pretty enmeshed. This is starting to change the healthier I have become, but it can be pretty scary for me with everything else going on. It is hard for me to create new friendships right now for similar reasons.

For example I have two friends who I travel together with. D and K. In general I have been closer to K over the years. However we struggle to be 100% honest with each other because we are so worried about the other one and how she is feeling. D does not struggle with that, and though that relationship has been more nerve wracking for me over the years, it is really shaping up to be a great friendship now. I never have to worry about taking care of her, she does not worry about taking care of me etc. I truly feel that I was the one who had to "grow" into that relationship....she has always kind of been that way. We "fight" occasionally but can move on from it, or at least I can now

I consider them both to be a great blessing in my life but it is amazing how the relationships have changed. I know for everything to continue to work out with K some of the dynamics are going to have to shift....I think we are capable of it but it is scary and unknown.

wishin4change

This is EXACTLY my marriage. Glad to hear we aren't the only ones who met and held on tight!

wishin4change

And to answer your original question, I do believe that codependents have a unique oppurtunity to become entwined in relationships. Reason being, I believe, is that when you have two people attracted to each other chemically, and then you add in the PLEASE THE OTHER PERSON mentality that codependency essentially IS, you create this unique kind of magical fantasy relationship where both people are feeling SO blessed to have "found" the other, "perfect" match for them. Where most people with normal relationships/boundaries would start to identify potential problem areas, and act accordingly to determine whether it really is a good match or not, the codependents would just latch on tighter to problem areas and become focused on conquering those areas, regardless of whether that's in the best interest of the relationship or not!

It's a situation I think codependents have to be more careful of then the average person. Our "honeymoon" and "rose-colored glasses" periods last a lot longer (sometimes even YEARS LONGER) then they should!