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AW is Going Down the Tubes Again

Old 09-19-2011, 10:29 AM
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Lord Have Mercy
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Angry AW is Going Down the Tubes Again

Hi Everyone--

I've been on this site for a while now, appreciating stories so similar to my own. I am feeling so low today due to AW's drinking and behavior, because yesterday I really got clobbered. I am so angry and hurt.

17 year marriage, no kids, multiple hospitalizations, near-death experiences, etc etc.

I filed for divorce in early 2011 because AW fell off the wagon (again) and for the first time, started cheating on me. I found text messages with "I love you! / I love you too!" on her cell phone at that time, exchanging sweet nothings with other men. Several men. She denied denied denied ever having a physical affair with them.

She moved out for a while but like an idiot, I took her back when she got sober this past April. It was AW's favorite kind of recovery -- she had a siezure, went via ambulance into the hospital for about a week, detoxed, and then took credit for getting sober! Nice program! She did 1-2 weeks of half-a$$ follow-up and gave herself a clean bill of health. Anyone familiar with this kind of "do-it-yourself" recovery program?

After she moved in we had separate bedrooms, and then things started warming up a little. You know how nice A's can be when they're sober? I was giving her more credit than she deserved just for being straight.

Anyway, she fell off the wagon in July due to "stress" at a part time job she took -- and at that point, I BEGGED her not to keep going. She was drinking wine, not vodka, and it had only been for a couple of days when I confronted her. Since this was the 6th time she fell off the wagon I knew that time was very, very short before she became physically addicted again. I tried everything in the codie playbook: begging, crying, threatening, loving, caring, forgiving, you name it.

She kept drinking. In fact, she upgraded to vodka within a few days and as always, her daily addiction began its progressive slide.

I renewed my resolve to get divorced (thank god we were still filed under an extention I had secured while changing to a legal separation), and I am determined to go through with it.

For her part, she is not only in denial about drinking, she doesn't think I will end it! I'm probably confusing her by living with her, trying to be nice, and actually going out with her sometimes -- but I don't really want to pi$$ her off because of the very large amount of money at stake in the separation. I have made her a very generous and fair offer which my friends and family think is too much, but I am trying desperately to keep this friendly. (And you know, we codies can't stand it if someone doesn't like us, hate conflict etc. -- these impulses are part of my DNA now).

So this brings me to the punchline. She has been disappearing for long periods of time. This is a typical pattern. I got the funny feeling she's been with other men, i.e. she was gone for 6 hours yesterday and she said she was "shopping". This is ridiculous. So after she passed out I checked her phone and there was a message:

"This is John, you'll have to come over again tomorrow because you left your milk here." I had asked her to pick up some milk. She must have left it at this guy's house.

Ouch.

The lying, the elusiveness, the unfaithfulness -- I don't deserve this. I've never touched another woman in 17 years.

I am just expressing the unbelievable frustration that comes from giving til it hurts. It's freaking brutal.

Of course I am more resolved than ever to get this legal separation done no matter what it takes, if I don't keel over first. Lord have mercy.

Thanks for listening everyone.
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Old 09-19-2011, 11:13 AM
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Egadz, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

How long before you can get her out of the house so you can at least live in a drama-free environment?
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Old 09-19-2011, 02:30 PM
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Hang in there! You deserve a good life and days that are happy and peaceful.

For me, when I finally separated from my AH of 16 years, the peace in my home was incredible. The pain is still there, but it's manageable. I'm less lonely living alone than I was living with my AH. And SR and Al Anon have been a lifesaver. Sitting in a room full of people who "get" it is really comforting.
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Old 09-19-2011, 03:16 PM
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Originally Posted by djayr View Post
I am just expressing the unbelievable frustration that comes from giving til it hurts. It's freaking brutal.
I'm sorry for your pain. I know what it's like to give until it hurts.

I don't want to ever go back to that kind of life again.

You deserve so much better, my friend.

Sending you hugs of support.
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Old 09-19-2011, 04:37 PM
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I finally got the strengh after 23 years and feel sooooo much better. That was 6 years ago. It can be very lonely at times. But living with an alcoholic was even lonlier! I think I thought that 'having' a husband was much better than being alone. Well it does take awhile to realize that you really can enjoy life as a single person. An older single person at that!
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Old 09-19-2011, 05:52 PM
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Once an alcoholic starts hitting the Vodka it goes downhill very quickly.
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Old 09-19-2011, 06:06 PM
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Oh goodness can I relate to this.

It was my husband's affair (initiated after a drunken Octoberfest) that helped snap my head back on straight from my marriage and his use of alcohol for his marriage.

For some reason this hurt got me into Al-anon and directly facing myself in a way that nothing prior to it had done (there is a saying about when it hurts enough).

I read a lot of books about both, attended a lot of Al-anon (and Open AA as appropriate), started and finished the divorce process and continued my own recovery work.

I am rounding out a year from where the whole divorce process began....learning about the grief cycle has helped too.

It is easier now, I have more good days than bad.

Take care of you, and sending warm thoughts your way.
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Old 09-19-2011, 08:44 PM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
Oh goodness can I relate to this.

It was my husband's affair (initiated after a drunken Octoberfest) that helped snap my head back on straight from my marriage and his use of alcohol for his marriage.

For some reason this hurt got me into Al-anon and directly facing myself in a way that nothing prior to it had done (there is a saying about when it hurts enough).

I read a lot of books about both, attended a lot of Al-anon (and Open AA as appropriate), started and finished the divorce process and continued my own recovery work.

I am rounding out a year from where the whole divorce process began....learning about the grief cycle has helped too.

It is easier now, I have more good days than bad.

Take care of you, and sending warm thoughts your way.
Thank you for the encouraging post. I am just starting the divorce journey, and heck yeah it really sucks!!!! Spent most my afternoon crying buckets of tears. Hugs to you.
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Old 09-20-2011, 01:46 AM
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She may have left the milk at the other guys house, just remind yourself she forgot the cream-that's at your house!
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Old 09-20-2011, 04:50 AM
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I have been there....finding out your spouse is unfaithful is the worst kind of "kick-in-the-gut" pain.

You do deserve better treatment in life than that! Hugs and prayers!

HG
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Old 09-20-2011, 05:30 AM
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My therapist said my "integrity" got me out of my marriage to XAH. It took a couple of years. The actual process wasn't too hard- signed a couple of papers. We divided our own stuff so saved $ doing that on our own. Once I saw him for who he really was and NOT who I was imagining I got better- and read here on SR "let go or be dragged." My two best girlfriends helped open my eyes. One looked at me and said-He's a JERK!" and the other said- "He's just a drunk." I was sad and mad awhile. Now 4 yrs. later after the divorce I am just in gratitude to be gone.....and over it.....There were a couple of dealbreakers God put in place to help me finally decide. I found a video where he had taped of me getting dressed. (YUK) and a friend told me he was on Match.com saying he was divorced and we weren't....Those two things pushed me over to ( I want a divorce. )Now it is all good. There is no drama or lies or anger or sadness- just GRATITUDE.
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Old 09-20-2011, 02:03 PM
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Thanks for the replies to help me keep going. This morning I confronted her about the other man and suggested that we get down to business about our pending legal separation. Her reply was, "I need the name of an attorney . . . you're paying . . . this is not going to be pretty." She was angry, probably angry that I busted her. I'm not sure what's going to happen next, but I appreciate the hugs and good thoughts.
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Old 09-20-2011, 02:14 PM
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Is anything ever "pretty" with an alcoholic? There are times I'd give every penny I had not to deal with my alcoholic mother ever again, and I'm betting my father is feeling the same way. You can't put a price on your sanity, my friend. She will dig her own grave and doesn't seem to be as smart as she thinks she is. Alcoholic are notorious for big bluffs and lots of threats they can't keep up with. She can find her own attorney, you don't need to assist her with that!

You gave her 17 faithful years, what has she given you in return?

Divorce is ugly, alcoholism is uglier. Peace and sanity are priceless. You owe it to yourself to move forward with your life. It's time.
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Old 09-20-2011, 02:16 PM
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Life is too short to waste it with someone who obviously does not care.
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Old 09-20-2011, 02:17 PM
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Get y our own attorney, don't say anything to her. If she's having the affair, maybe you can get her to pay for the entire divorce. Sorry.

So sorry you have to go through this. I didn't get married to get divorced and not sure I'll ever get married again. I guess you hit a nerve in me... He did try to kill me, but only once....(a bit bitter, heck yeah! learning how to get over that one).

Peace and prayers to you!
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Old 09-20-2011, 02:34 PM
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Originally Posted by sugarbear1 View Post
He did try to kill me, but only once....
What?!
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Old 09-22-2011, 05:56 PM
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Mine (X) got pretty ugly pretty fast once I decided to go through it , but judges and lawyers are pretty fair and through. He paid his half.....50/50.....and you have grounds......she doesn't.......
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Old 09-22-2011, 07:12 PM
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Originally Posted by sugarbear1 View Post
Get y our own attorney, don't say anything to her. If she's having the affair, maybe you can get her to pay for the entire divorce. Sorry.
This ^^^^ is spot on. Get your own affairs sorted. Let her sort her own. I'd say no more about it until the papers have been drawn out and you can hand them to her. Let the issue fade out if possible, but IMO you shouldn't try conversing about it. She betrayed you, not the other way around, and she doesn't get to crap all over you on top of that.... unless you let her. If you do it's a mistake on your part.

Take care of yourself now. Get your lawyers advice definitely, and seriously, at this point you are just giving her warning enough to do something more self destructive, possibly vindictive or spiteful towards you. She's knee deep in her addiction. Never a good idea to give an active addict the heads up on what you are doing about her transgressions.

IMO just hand her the papers, call one of her relatives and tell them she will likely need to be looked after, and then get as far away as possible. That situation is toxic, believe me I know. I'm going through a very similar thing right now.
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