Why do I even bother?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 41
Why do I even bother?
The past week, my ABF hasn't had much to drink at all and we have not had a single fight/arugment all week until last night. Sadly yesterday I was thinking how great it was we hadn't argued in a week(sad right?). Yesterday I decided we should do something fun/positive together so I ask him to do a couple of things with me since I have the whole day off for once and he says No to everything. He finally agrees to see a movie with me last night. Of course after not having a drink all day long, as we're driving to the movies he asks me to stop at the ABC store and I tell him I would rather not and why would be need to drink at the movies? He insists and I just do it because I don't want to argue and start off the night badly. (UGH!) So the movie is fine but afterward he wants to get Mexican food so we stop there and he of course buys 2 shots of tequila and drinks a couple of beers which I give him the stink eye about but again I don't want to cause a scene. On the way home he starts yelling at me & tells me he needs something from the grocery store so I stop(why am I such an enabler to avoid arguments????) and he buys more beer. Then he starts saying weird things on the way home and I get irritated with him. This escalates to more arguments in the house. He is yelling at me and scaring my new dog who then tries to run past him to get to me and he pushes him back. Me, being very angry, I lightly slapped him on the arm and told him not to ever push my dog back again. I then walk away and he pushed me so hard I fell to the floor and am now bruised up on my knee and wrist. I am so upset with him, I am an idiot for thinking anything would get better. I can't even ask him to a movie without the night being ruined.
I am so frustrated and mad at myself for being around this BS for so long. I called his mother last week and told her he is still drinking and I am threatening to leave him and she's trying to convince him to get help (since she enables the crap out of him giving him money all the time). I have told him this morning how upset I am with him, how much I hate alchohol and him drinking, but he is blaming the night on me telling me that I should've known he didn't want to do anything because he told me no to the other 2 things I asked him. I hate what my life has become. I hate that I give in to him because I want to avoid arguing which still happens anyway. I really enjoyed his company the last week when he didn't drink. What a tease.
Anyway sorry this was so long I just really needed to vent.
I am so frustrated and mad at myself for being around this BS for so long. I called his mother last week and told her he is still drinking and I am threatening to leave him and she's trying to convince him to get help (since she enables the crap out of him giving him money all the time). I have told him this morning how upset I am with him, how much I hate alchohol and him drinking, but he is blaming the night on me telling me that I should've known he didn't want to do anything because he told me no to the other 2 things I asked him. I hate what my life has become. I hate that I give in to him because I want to avoid arguing which still happens anyway. I really enjoyed his company the last week when he didn't drink. What a tease.
Anyway sorry this was so long I just really needed to vent.
Last edited by cranapple; 09-18-2011 at 07:50 AM. Reason: typo
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: NH, USA
Posts: 24
Hi, Cranapple:
I've spent a few nights like that with my AH. I remember once night we went out with friends and he drank too much and when we got home he accused me of "coming on" to one of the other men there. This was completely ridiculous; I knew it was the alcohol talking. I should have just walked away, but I didn't. I wasted time fighting with a drunk. He doesn't remember a thing about the night, but I still cringe when I think of the terrible things he said to me -- things I believe he didn't mean, and things he cannot take back, because now I have seen the flash in his eyes, and can picture his mouth when he said them.
I am married, and I'm hopeful my AH is going to succeed in rehab, and so I've decided to stay and stick it out -- for now. If he was only a BF I am not sure I would. I never had any violence to deal with, and to me that takes it to another level. If you are waking up with bruises, it will only get worse.
My H is in rehab now, and that's given me time without him to reflect. My situation was worse than I realized when I was in the thick of it. I hid the truth from family and friends, and as a result, I'm quite alone now (unless I want to tell a very long story, which I don't, really). I enabled him to drink by doing things like what you did...I once even went out and bought beer for him during a snow storm because I was afraid he was too drunk to drive, but I was also afraid of how he would be if he was stuck without booze for the whole night. I bought that beer for ME, to make it easier for me to deal with the next few hours.
I'm trying not to beat myself up over those things. You should be kind to yourself. I may have enabled, but I was motivated by kindness and compassion. I did what I had to do to get by in those moments. It sounds easy to just say "no" but I understand why you stopped on the way to the movies....I've been that person, too.
Have you tried Al-Anon? I have, and it is really helpful. I haven't been able to go enough to get truly involved or get a sponsor, but I'm planning to. Even one meeting might make you feel better.
Hang in there, Cran. I can't promise that it gets better, because I just don't know, but you can help yourself feel a little better.
Keep coming back.
Kitty
I've spent a few nights like that with my AH. I remember once night we went out with friends and he drank too much and when we got home he accused me of "coming on" to one of the other men there. This was completely ridiculous; I knew it was the alcohol talking. I should have just walked away, but I didn't. I wasted time fighting with a drunk. He doesn't remember a thing about the night, but I still cringe when I think of the terrible things he said to me -- things I believe he didn't mean, and things he cannot take back, because now I have seen the flash in his eyes, and can picture his mouth when he said them.
I am married, and I'm hopeful my AH is going to succeed in rehab, and so I've decided to stay and stick it out -- for now. If he was only a BF I am not sure I would. I never had any violence to deal with, and to me that takes it to another level. If you are waking up with bruises, it will only get worse.
My H is in rehab now, and that's given me time without him to reflect. My situation was worse than I realized when I was in the thick of it. I hid the truth from family and friends, and as a result, I'm quite alone now (unless I want to tell a very long story, which I don't, really). I enabled him to drink by doing things like what you did...I once even went out and bought beer for him during a snow storm because I was afraid he was too drunk to drive, but I was also afraid of how he would be if he was stuck without booze for the whole night. I bought that beer for ME, to make it easier for me to deal with the next few hours.
I'm trying not to beat myself up over those things. You should be kind to yourself. I may have enabled, but I was motivated by kindness and compassion. I did what I had to do to get by in those moments. It sounds easy to just say "no" but I understand why you stopped on the way to the movies....I've been that person, too.
Have you tried Al-Anon? I have, and it is really helpful. I haven't been able to go enough to get truly involved or get a sponsor, but I'm planning to. Even one meeting might make you feel better.
Hang in there, Cran. I can't promise that it gets better, because I just don't know, but you can help yourself feel a little better.
Keep coming back.
Kitty
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
If anyone touched any of my dogs, they would be out of my door and life before they had time to blink.
Alcoholism is progressive, that is, it always gets worse, never better if left untreated.
Now you've got physical violence, and aggression towards your dog in the picture. That is NEVER okay.
If that isn't your breaking point, I don't know what to say.
You deserve so much better (and your dog).
Personally my bar of standards is set high and that is where it will stay.
I am worthy of love, respect, and kindness.
Sending you hugs of support. :hug;
Alcoholism is progressive, that is, it always gets worse, never better if left untreated.
Now you've got physical violence, and aggression towards your dog in the picture. That is NEVER okay.
If that isn't your breaking point, I don't know what to say.
You deserve so much better (and your dog).
Personally my bar of standards is set high and that is where it will stay.
I am worthy of love, respect, and kindness.
Sending you hugs of support. :hug;
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
Once things turn physical, there's no going back. All the other stuff can be dealt with by detaching, but once the slapping and shoving start, it only goes downhill. I hope you are making plans to get out of that situation before it gets worse.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Sadly, I see my life here.
I used to be glad if we actually made a week of not fighting, and actually the longest time that we would spend not fighting, was when he would "run away" from home, for over a month, or so.
I really can't tell you what to do, because when I was going through it, I did nothing.
If I had to do it over, I would go to the police station, show them the bruises, and file a report. He will be arrested, and most likely will be court mandated to go to AA, and possible some DV classes. A restraining order will also be placed on him.
I know this is a hard thing to do, but it is the best, you would also have documentation, if you ever need it in the future.
If unable to do this, call his mother, tell him that he pushed you and that you have bruises, tell her to get him out of there, or that you will file a police report.
suki, is right. Once things turn physical, it only gets worse. In the beginning, I think we were married about 10 years at this time, he pushed me to the floor and kicked me in the ribs. Oh, he was soooooo remorseful about this. Begged me, promised me that he would never hurt me again. Well he didn't for about 5 more years, but during that time, I had to keep repairing holes that he was putting in the walls, and doors that he broke, when he would kick them opened.
I also see in your post, that he is blaming you for this, I didn't see where he even apologized to you.
Additional advice, call DV. That was verbal abuse, emotional abuse and physical abuse.
Sending you many hugs
I used to be glad if we actually made a week of not fighting, and actually the longest time that we would spend not fighting, was when he would "run away" from home, for over a month, or so.
I really can't tell you what to do, because when I was going through it, I did nothing.
If I had to do it over, I would go to the police station, show them the bruises, and file a report. He will be arrested, and most likely will be court mandated to go to AA, and possible some DV classes. A restraining order will also be placed on him.
I know this is a hard thing to do, but it is the best, you would also have documentation, if you ever need it in the future.
If unable to do this, call his mother, tell him that he pushed you and that you have bruises, tell her to get him out of there, or that you will file a police report.
suki, is right. Once things turn physical, it only gets worse. In the beginning, I think we were married about 10 years at this time, he pushed me to the floor and kicked me in the ribs. Oh, he was soooooo remorseful about this. Begged me, promised me that he would never hurt me again. Well he didn't for about 5 more years, but during that time, I had to keep repairing holes that he was putting in the walls, and doors that he broke, when he would kick them opened.
I also see in your post, that he is blaming you for this, I didn't see where he even apologized to you.
Additional advice, call DV. That was verbal abuse, emotional abuse and physical abuse.
Sending you many hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Another thing that I want to say here is this, Alcoholism and abuse have many commonalities, ---- denial, blame, justification, etc....
What my ex used to do, and probably still does, and this was his own words, he would be upset and remorseful, he would somehow have to justify his actions or words, then it somehow got turned around to being my fault.
I guess it was easier for him to live that way.
Ex. of this ----- he would go to the bar after work, (and come home 4-5 hours late), as soon as he walked out of the bar, he remembered that he should have called me and let me know that he was going to be late, then he could see that an argument would start when he got home, so now he got mad, because I am not his "mother", he doesn't have to report to me, and I can't tell him what to do. Then he would come home, and verbally attack me as to how it was all my fault, because he knew that I would be mad when he got home, so that's why he went out drinking.
He also reasoned things out like this, when it came to the physical abuse, please be careful.
What my ex used to do, and probably still does, and this was his own words, he would be upset and remorseful, he would somehow have to justify his actions or words, then it somehow got turned around to being my fault.
I guess it was easier for him to live that way.
Ex. of this ----- he would go to the bar after work, (and come home 4-5 hours late), as soon as he walked out of the bar, he remembered that he should have called me and let me know that he was going to be late, then he could see that an argument would start when he got home, so now he got mad, because I am not his "mother", he doesn't have to report to me, and I can't tell him what to do. Then he would come home, and verbally attack me as to how it was all my fault, because he knew that I would be mad when he got home, so that's why he went out drinking.
He also reasoned things out like this, when it came to the physical abuse, please be careful.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Cranapple, Your boyfriend is an out of control loose cannon!!! Active alcoholics do not want to participate in any activities or functions that do not include alcohol. PERIOD.
You are not in a relationship. You are in a toxic situation. Please get yourself to a better place. He is abusive towards you, and cruel to your dog. Exactly, what do you need to hear to leave this guy? This guy is a BULLY.
Why not go find a real man ? Find someone without all this unacceptable baggage. How can you find this guy attractive? There is nothing attractive about someone who has no self control. Give yourself permission to move on. This is absolutely no way to live.
If you stay, this is just a preview of how your life is going to be.
You are not in a relationship. You are in a toxic situation. Please get yourself to a better place. He is abusive towards you, and cruel to your dog. Exactly, what do you need to hear to leave this guy? This guy is a BULLY.
Why not go find a real man ? Find someone without all this unacceptable baggage. How can you find this guy attractive? There is nothing attractive about someone who has no self control. Give yourself permission to move on. This is absolutely no way to live.
If you stay, this is just a preview of how your life is going to be.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
If your boyfriend pushes you to the floor, that's really a point of no return. There's really no two ways about it.
I hope you'll talk with the police. Most offices have domestic violence counsellors who can take reports. At least you can get an injunction to get him to move out.
Sorry all this has happened. It's not your fault. Things will get better.
I hope you'll talk with the police. Most offices have domestic violence counsellors who can take reports. At least you can get an injunction to get him to move out.
Sorry all this has happened. It's not your fault. Things will get better.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
I know why you bother; I have been there too. I clang to the hope that I would have my husband back, the man I loved so much, and that we would be able to enjoy a happy time with one another again, at least for that one night. I would avoid arguments by just giving in, by not sticking up for myself, by enabling his drinking, or by doing things that I really did not want to do. I did this routine over and over again only to be disappointed time after time. An argument seemed to always come up to where it was "my fault," and according to him I did this or that. I was left defending myself to a 'brick wall’. By participating in this dance time after time I completely lost sight of myself. I was walking on egg shells, because I did not want to start an argument.
Do something nice for you, and be kind to yourself. You did these things to reach for that hope of happiness. He has an addiction, and that will come first. Alcoholism is progressive. You CANNOT control his consumption and the disease’s progression, but you CAN control how it affects you. The violence is completely unacceptable. I too was pushed down. Then I was grabbed viciously. Then my head was getting bashed into the wall. My AH did not remember a thing the next morning. I always said that he didn’t mean it because he was drunk. If I think back when was he sober? Even when I thought he was sober he really wasn't; he masked and hid his drinking. I was in such a codependent state that I deep down knew that the violence was unacceptable, but I thought if I didn’t argue back, or I would have just gave in, then this wouldn’t have happened. I was twisting it to somehow be my fault. That was years ago. My AH is in recovery now, and I am working on rebuilding myself too.
Don’t allow his alcoholism to affect you any longer. Lay down some boundaries. Al-anon is helpful in helping you discover your boundaries and what you have control over. Ask yourself what is acceptable. Ask yourself if you want to continue life living with the person he is today, not for the person he was in the past, or you wish he would become. Threatening to leave him will not do anything to change him or his decision to drink; you have to leave for yourself, and the threat is enabling to an alcoholic if it is not followed through with (a counselor gave me that advice once). The boundaries need to be firm, or its elasticity will be tested time and time again. Education on alcoholism and codependency is good to have. I suggest you research those two subjects so you get all the information as to the disease’s progression, and how it affects you.
Keep posting here. You can vent any time. We are listening.
Do something nice for you, and be kind to yourself. You did these things to reach for that hope of happiness. He has an addiction, and that will come first. Alcoholism is progressive. You CANNOT control his consumption and the disease’s progression, but you CAN control how it affects you. The violence is completely unacceptable. I too was pushed down. Then I was grabbed viciously. Then my head was getting bashed into the wall. My AH did not remember a thing the next morning. I always said that he didn’t mean it because he was drunk. If I think back when was he sober? Even when I thought he was sober he really wasn't; he masked and hid his drinking. I was in such a codependent state that I deep down knew that the violence was unacceptable, but I thought if I didn’t argue back, or I would have just gave in, then this wouldn’t have happened. I was twisting it to somehow be my fault. That was years ago. My AH is in recovery now, and I am working on rebuilding myself too.
Don’t allow his alcoholism to affect you any longer. Lay down some boundaries. Al-anon is helpful in helping you discover your boundaries and what you have control over. Ask yourself what is acceptable. Ask yourself if you want to continue life living with the person he is today, not for the person he was in the past, or you wish he would become. Threatening to leave him will not do anything to change him or his decision to drink; you have to leave for yourself, and the threat is enabling to an alcoholic if it is not followed through with (a counselor gave me that advice once). The boundaries need to be firm, or its elasticity will be tested time and time again. Education on alcoholism and codependency is good to have. I suggest you research those two subjects so you get all the information as to the disease’s progression, and how it affects you.
Keep posting here. You can vent any time. We are listening.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 41
Everyone, thank you so much for your replies, I truly appreciate it. He did apologize after I mentioned how upset I was but I just don't accept it. It doesn't feel sincere to me. Our lease is up in October and I have the whole weekend off next weekend, I am making plans to just leave this town and move back in with my parents an hour south of here most likely. I hate my job here so I just want a fresh start again even if it means losing some of my privacy. I just can't keep living like this. He is not the sweet, happy, kind man I fell in love with the second alcohol hits his mouth. He has no idea what a complete maniac it turns him into. Ugh, the whole situation just makes me so sad and angry. I always told myself I would never be the type of person who puts up with this crap and I have for so long. I am just disappointed in myself. I think there is an AA meeting around lunch time near my job... I'm gonna try and go this week on my break. Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by cranapple 
Our lease is up in October and I have the whole weekend off next weekend, I am making plans to just leave this town and move back in with my parents an hour south of here most likely. I hate my job here so I just want a fresh start again even if it means losing some of my privacy.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
They almost always apologize, but you're right. It means nothing. As soon as he drinks again, he'll be the same asshat he was last night. If you tell him you are leaving, he'll make all kinds of promises to you. The last thing he wants is to have to be on his own. He wants to keep his comfort zone. Please don't fall for it. Your plan to move away is a good one. Take care of yourself, always. 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Sounds like a good plan to me, also once you are gone, go NO CONTACT. He will lie to you over and over again. He may actually believe his lies, but unless he gets help he will not be able to keep promises.
Also be prepared for the grief that you will most likely go through. But dealing with the grief part of it for awhile, is a lot better than living with it the rest of your life, and remember to seek support.
Also be prepared for the grief that you will most likely go through. But dealing with the grief part of it for awhile, is a lot better than living with it the rest of your life, and remember to seek support.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by MTSlideAddict
I know why you bother; I have been there too. I clang to the hope that I would have my husband back, the man I loved so much, and that we would be able to enjoy a happy time with one another again, at least for that one night.
Keep posting here. You can vent any time. We are listening.
Keep posting here. You can vent any time. We are listening.
Originally Posted by cranapple
...... He did apologize after I mentioned how upset I was but I just don't accept it. It doesn't feel sincere to me. Our lease is up in October and I have the whole weekend off next weekend, I am making plans to just leave this town and move back in with my parents an hour south of here most likely. I hate my job here so I just want a fresh start again even if it means losing some of my privacy. I just can't keep living like this. He is not the sweet, happy, kind man I fell in love with the second alcohol hits his mouth. He has no idea what a complete maniac it turns him into. Ugh, the whole situation just makes me so sad and angry. I always told myself I would never be the type of person who puts up with this crap and I have for so long. I am just disappointed in myself. I think there is an AA meeting around lunch time near my job... I'm gonna try and go this week on my break. Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
if your lease is up next month, get out now....give notice to your job, call your parents and get some help to move out....don't leave yourself open for more abuse. Don't believe him, don't you realize that you shouldn't have to feel "grateful" for a week without arguements. he is giving you all the signals you need....you came between him and his booze, it's your fault in his eyes.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 73
I two stayed in 3 year relationship with a guy you drunk and smoked pot every single day... Like everyone else I stayed because when it was it was good, But The Bad Far Out-weighed the Good... And He was a complete A**hole. He was mentally abusive to me when he would drink and each time he would say he was sorry, Yeah He was sorry alright, sorrier than crap... I realized this after I took off my rose-colored glasses, For a long time I only saw what I wanted to see, because I truly loved this man... And even when he was sober he did not want me to have friends, he did not want me on the phone, or the computer... He hated my adult daughter coming over for visits.... He even hated my little house dog.. Anything that I loved he resented it... Finally I Had To Come To Terms With This Relationship and Accept That He Wasn't going to change, Unless he wanted too. So that's when me & my 14 yr old son got our own place... At first it was very hard & I had to love him from a distance, but I saw even after I left he had not changed.. So that's when I cut off all contact with him and then he started stalking me, when he saw that wasn't going to get a reaction from me, He started calling me and harassing me... The Point of all This Is I had To Love Me Enough And By Staying In A Toxic Relationship, Was Only Harming Me & My Son. Once I got away from all that Ugliness I Was Able to Start Healing And Finding Normal Again, Somehow I lost a part of me while I was with this man...
Staying in that kind of relationship, Is not really a relationship, You are their Victim. That's what they do, they real you in... For Me It was either Sink Or Swim, I chose To Swim... Yes, sometimes I miss the person I wanted him to be, but that was the problem I was seeing him for what I wanted, Not for what He truly was, which was cold, cruel and manipulative...
Now I Can Smile & Be Happy And Free Of His Addiction. So there is hope and help out there.
Staying in that kind of relationship, Is not really a relationship, You are their Victim. That's what they do, they real you in... For Me It was either Sink Or Swim, I chose To Swim... Yes, sometimes I miss the person I wanted him to be, but that was the problem I was seeing him for what I wanted, Not for what He truly was, which was cold, cruel and manipulative...
Now I Can Smile & Be Happy And Free Of His Addiction. So there is hope and help out there.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by LivingLife4Me
I am there too. You deserve so muich better then that sorry piece of crap. Remembering that for me too.
I don't know your situation, but if it is anything like mine was and any of the others that has posted here.... Run as fast as you can and don't ever look back.
I left this man 4 times before I finally left for good, Don't make the same mistake as me... Each time I would leave, he would call telling me how I made life so much easier for him and he always made promises and I fell for that hook line and sinker until I came to this board & that's when reality started sinking in for me which Was A Wonderful thing and it was hard at first excepting the truth.
Remember: " The Truth Shall Set You Free"
Sending You Lots Of Hugs & Prayers.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 24
Hi ive been there done this now im wanting to join the al anon ,but my worst fear is facing what i think everyone else dose .
An knowing that by loving them is the most hard thing to toggle with as well as thinking what else is there to do i walk i regret it for the rest of my life. i stay an not have a single clue what awaits me.
The blamming an the excuses ive never seen them end yet believe me when i do i shall believen angels ...xx
I dont know my thruth an i dont know if i shall are when will i see that light an when it shall set me free the way i want to be ...
An knowing that by loving them is the most hard thing to toggle with as well as thinking what else is there to do i walk i regret it for the rest of my life. i stay an not have a single clue what awaits me.
The blamming an the excuses ive never seen them end yet believe me when i do i shall believen angels ...xx I dont know my thruth an i dont know if i shall are when will i see that light an when it shall set me free the way i want to be ...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Let me get this straight: you drove him to a liquor store so he could drink on a date? Add to that you permit someone to abuse you AND your dog? Ok, this isn't about him, it's about you and what you choose for yourself. I don't know you but I'm sure you can do better than this, but it's your decision.
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