Thouhts would be appreciated

Old 09-17-2011, 09:29 PM
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Thouhts would be appreciated

I have been going out with my partner (36) off and on for three years. She is a beautiful girl who at the start of our relationship was everything I could ask for.. I didnt realise she was an alcoholic and her drinking got worse and worse. So many fights so much heartache.. I tried everything and failed.. For my sake I left her and tried to move on..

Five months ago she came back in my life. I couldnt believe how far she had fallen.. her drinking was out of control.. It broke my heart to realise how hard she had tried when she was with me.. After three weeks I finally got through and she wanted to go to rehab..

Ive left her yesterday and I cried and cried.. She probably gone for two months and I have no idea what to expect.

Will she love me more or less ? Will she still be the same person ? Will we be a better couple? Id really appreciate any experiences/feedback from people.

Thankyou
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Old 09-17-2011, 09:45 PM
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It sounds like your trying to talk to a crystal ball
There is no such thing and no one can give you those answers

She is an alcoholic. It is her choice to get sober, it is your choice
to learn about addiction and find yourself some help.

You mentioned so many heartaches and so many fights.
AND YOUR NOT EVEN MARRIED???
I would run like hell

Will she love me? Will we be a better couple?
OMG....Are you kidding me??..Dude, find yourself some help
Find a ALANON class. Educate yourself on alcoholism.
You sound very depressed, I understand. But thats why
its so important you find a support class right away.
Weve all been there, your not alone..

She is an alcoholic. She just entered rehab.
She is sick. She needs help. She is seeking help.
Be happy that she is seeking help
BUT YOU need to get YOU happy too!!!

There is a thing called "ALANON"...It is a program made for people like you and me.
I suggest that you find a class

Good Luck!
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Old 09-17-2011, 10:05 PM
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Webber, please continue to post and read the stickies at the beginning of the forum. The knowledge and wisdom on these threads will help you understand what the disease of alcoholism really is.

She needs to concentrate on her recovery. If you want her to succeed it would be best for you to remove yourself from this on and off again relationship. You cannot help her. She has to do this for herself. Love cannot fix this. If it could, none of us would be here.

Knowing what I know now I would never be involved with an alcoholic. Keep reading. You are not alone, we are here. Take care of YOU
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Old 09-17-2011, 10:22 PM
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Webber, your girlfriend's problem is her problem. Bobby is right about taking care of yourself and getting healthy. 3 years is early days, I remember 3 years in and I believed he would quit for me. I'd think of leaving and think irrational thoughts like, "what if he finds someone else and quits for her"? It took years before I thought clearly and Bobby is right, learn all you can. Drinking is dysfunctional and it makes the partner dysfunctional. Try alanon and if it's not for you then get a counsellor who specializes in addiction and while you're waiting for an appt. read every book on addiction you can get your hands on. Read as many of the threads here as you can.

I don't go to alanon but I'm here and I'm reading and I do alot to help myself grow and to be healthy. You'll know you're getting heathly when you realize that your happiness doesn't depend on her staying sober. I know that my husband is a grown man with eyes in his head, he doesn't need me to tell him what he's doing. These relationships are sick, I wrapped my whole self around his bottle just as much as he did. The fantasy of what life will be like when he's sobber is what kept me sick. His being sober isn't what I need to be happy. Being able to see him as a man instead of a victim is what woke me up. No more what if's.
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Old 09-18-2011, 12:05 AM
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Guys

Thanks for your views to date..

Im just asking what to expect after Rehab

I have done much reading on this subject.. Im not depressed rather relieved shes gone. My pont is that I know she's sick and I did what no other person could do in her nine years of drinking.. get her to see that Rehab was the only option. It was only after reading that for the first time I understood.. I just cant explain it..

She would drink 3 days a week( when I worked) and spent the rest sober. And Sober we had a wonderful relationship so Imay be crystal ball gazing but Im sure some of you have experienced this hence asking for your views

Thanks
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Old 09-18-2011, 12:42 AM
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Hi webber,
I suggest reading "codependent no more" by Melody Beatty
Trying to know what the future holds has never given me peace

Just for today,
take care of yourself
Life takes place today..
not even today,
now.

I have lived almost 29 years in the past
And nowadays have lived and been worried about the future
It has taken a huge toll in my mental and physical health. It is not worth it. I have gained nothing.

I hope you all the best in your journey
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Old 09-18-2011, 01:14 AM
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Originally Posted by webber1 View Post
Im just asking what to expect after Rehab
I am in the same situation. She will get better very, very slowly. Your relationship will probably have to end almost entirely. And the future can remain open depending on what actions you take. I caution you not to have expectations for her. Work on yourself and take action in your life.

I think it helps to mourn the relationship and just be human about the experience. You are not alone.

Hang in there.
Rorty
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Old 09-18-2011, 06:34 AM
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Hi, Webber -

My AH just left for rehab about a week ago. I'm dealing with some of the same feelings you are...uncertainty, fear, and wanting to be reassured of his love for me. I also worry that he'll come back a changed person and maybe I will not fit in his life any longer.

It is hard for me to get to regular Al-Anon meetings, but when I have gone, I have always left feeling better. I bought "Courage to Change" which is a daily Al-Anon reader, and there are some gems in there that felt like they were written just for me.

I am not an alcoholic, and I'm finding it very hard to understand his addiction. Read everything you can. It is starting to sink in for me and may help you, as well. It is not personal.

There is an excellent piece someone read at Al-Anon once -- I'll try to capture it here:

A man took his lunch outside and sat on a park bench under a big tree to enjoy it in the shade. A few minutes later, a large flock of birds landed in the tree. They proceeded to poop all over the man and his lunch, ruining it for him. He railed at the birds for doing this to him until he realized that they were not doing anything TO him, they were just doing what birds do. The next day, he took his lunch to a bench that wasn't under a tree.

Alcoholics drink. They are not drinking at you or to you. It has nothing to do with you at all. I keep repeating this to myself. I still haven't quite internalized it, but I'm getting there.

You don't need to make any decisions today. Take care of yourself. Come back.

Kitty.
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Old 09-18-2011, 07:09 AM
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If you are looking for experience here is mine. The first time my wife went to rehab she mocked the whole process and the people who were in there. She started drinking again not long afterwards. The second time was after ending up in the emergency room for booze and Xanax. She didn't need to drink because her doctor gave her an Rx for sleeping pills that gave her pretty much the same effect and were much easier to hide what she was doing. This last time she was after a 6 day blackout binge on sleeping pills and booze. This is the first time she went on her own. The fact that I moved out and her daughters wouldn't let her see her grandkids may have had something to do with it. Of course in the middle of rehab (out patient) she threatened suicide and took a bunch of sleeping pills. She now says she gets it and her problem is depression. She says she has to embrace a sober life style.

I wish her well but I will never trust her again. Our marriage of 36 years is over. I may or may not divorce her but I will make that decision when I am ready.

I very strongly recommend al-anon to help you with your issues. I know I had a boatload of them.

Does that help give you a glimpse of your future. Rehab isn't some magic wand where they suddenly become whole and happy again. It is hard work and many aren't ready to face their demons which they have to do to get better.

Your friend,
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Old 09-18-2011, 07:21 AM
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Rehab gave me the tools to stay sober and a running start on recovery. I was desperate for a better way to live.

That being said, no one else who was in rehab with me maintained any long-term sobriety after getting out.

As a matter of fact, one of the girls I roomed with relapsed after getting out and was dead a week later. She was in her 20's.

No one call tell you what to expect.

I highly recommend Alanon meetings for you, and a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

She's where she needs to be right now.

You need to take care of you right now.

Sending you hugs of support.
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Old 09-18-2011, 12:31 PM
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Originally Posted by danielleinto View Post
3 years is early days, I remember 3 years in and I believed he would quit for me. I'd think of leaving and think irrational thoughts like, "what if he finds someone else and quits for her"? It took years before I thought clearly..... These relationships are sick, I wrapped my whole self around his bottle just as much as he did. The fantasy of what life will be like when he's sobber is what kept me sick. His being sober isn't what I need to be happy. Being able to see him as a man instead of a victim is what woke me up. No more what if's.
This all resonates with me. Thank you for sharing.

Originally Posted by KittyCopes View Post

A man took his lunch outside and sat on a park bench under a big tree to enjoy it in the shade. A few minutes later, a large flock of birds landed in the tree. They proceeded to poop all over the man and his lunch, ruining it for him. He railed at the birds for doing this to him until he realized that they were not doing anything TO him, they were just doing what birds do. The next day, he took his lunch to a bench that wasn't under a tree.

Alcoholics drink. They are not drinking at you or to you. It has nothing to do with you at all. I keep repeating this to myself. I still haven't quite internalized it, but I'm getting there.

You don't need to make any decisions today. Take care of yourself. Come back.

Kitty.
Wow. I love that story. Thank you for sharing.
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Old 09-21-2011, 06:11 AM
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Boy, I have been there

Webber, I feel your pain. I wish I had the crystal ball....don't we all. I have gone down your path. I hope for you and your girlfriend that your outcome will be different and positive. My situation was my first experience (only I pray) in dealing w the disease or directly anyway. My ABF does not function, it is a progressive deal....if they don't change....just grows larger. He had never been to rehab, then in 9/2009 he made a decision to go. Might have been bc he had no where to go/live could not hold a job....whatever the case he went. I truly believe he wanted and wants to get health but apparently not enough. He did well for 30 days after rehab. He met someone in there, fell in love lol. He never told me about the other person, I thought many of the changes....were bc of his new life. Its been living H--- ever since. The drinking is worse than ever and still can't hold a job. The other women is in worse shape when she isn't locked up. I can't tell you the amount of pain that I have put myself thru and for WHAT! I have taken all of ths so personal and the rejection. I think when I get upset it has more to do with how I have allowed myself to be treated. I have been blessed with a wonderful large successful family. My life was happy and no baggage. How I ever got myself into this situation, I will never know and why I have allowed it...I will certainly never understand. That makes me sad. All I can tell you, don't expect too much, learn all you can. Try to put yourself first where this s concerned. Don't make the painful mistakes i have made. I still fight the lies, deal with the drunk...I still hurt. Right now, 2 years later I am praying for strength to walk...RUN away. There is always hope but I have to move on. I pray that I will walk anyway and MEAN what I say. I wish you the best, learn all you can, take care of yourself. I hope you have a happy ending, many people do!
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Old 09-21-2011, 06:32 AM
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No one can tell you what is going to happen with your girlfriend.

The best advice is to focus on yourself so can be as mentally, emotionally, financially, etc. prepared as much as possible for whatever happens.

My personal experience is that when my xah (we were still married then) returned he was dry for 10 days and relapsed. During that 10 days the manipulation, blame-shifting, and guilt tripping were at an all time high - much higher then at any other time of our relationship. His emotions were all over the map.

He went into rehab again (different program - longer and more intense) a year after our divorce was final and then moved on to a sober living environment. He stays sober there and no longer blames, guilt trips, or manipulates me. We still have some contact because we have four kids. That has been about 10 months and so far if he leaves there, he drinks.
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