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Visitation Drama

Old 09-16-2011, 04:41 PM
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Visitation Drama

According to the temporary visitation schedule that his lawyer and my lawyer helped draw up, he gets to spend time with the kids Tues, Thurs 6:00pm - 8:00pm and Sunday 12:00pm - 4:00pm. He cannot drive them and he is not supposed to drink 4 hrs before and during the visitation.

The schedule went ok for a week (the week that he was trying to white knuckle and stay sober) but last 3 times, he was drunk when I went to drop off the kids. He was passed out drunk, we tried to wake him up and we were unable to wake him up. Yesterday, he managed to wake up after 5 minutes but he was staggering drunk, not able to stand up and walk, etc. So, I told him that I am taking the kids back home and took the kids back home with me. Now, he is claiming to his sister (whom I called and informed that he is in a bad shape) and to me that I am not bringing the kids and that I am lying that I brought the kids to his place..Completely denying that we (I and the kids) ever came to his place.

I will be talking to the lawyer in the next hour, about my options. My question is: those that have gone through this kind of situation, how did you gather proof that a) he was drunk at the time of visitation b) that you indeed showed up with the kids as scheduled..What else can I do to protect myself legally?

Thanks
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Old 09-16-2011, 04:45 PM
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To clarify, I took the kids back home both the times that he was drunk - i did not leave them there
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Old 09-16-2011, 04:52 PM
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Just tell the truth. The kids can confirm that they went there and couldn't wake Dad up. Is there supposed to be any kind of supervised visitation? If not, maybe next time, take a friend with you when you drop them off, or take pictures of him passed out drunk.
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Old 09-16-2011, 05:04 PM
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Deal your cards straight up, be clear and concise. This arrangement will not work. In the future, I too, would take a witness with me.

You are a good mom, continue to think on your feet, your hubby may be beyond help.

Hugs...Dolly
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Old 09-16-2011, 11:28 PM
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Talk to your attorney. I wonder if it would be possible to call the local police and ask for some sort of civil standby, meaning that you ask them to respond and witness that you are there for the court appointed visitation but that your husband is violating the terms of it and you can't leave the children with him.

So sorry you and the kids have to deal with this.
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Old 09-17-2011, 12:11 AM
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Thanks Suki, Dollydo and SoaringSpirits.

Suki - No, there is no supervised visitation currently. It is unsupervised..I took a picture today of him drunk (we went today as well, his sister and his brother-in-law also came to talk to him).

Dollydo - I think there are very few people who have the time/bandwidth to help with situations like this. I have a few friends (whom I am having over tomorrow for a home cooked dinner) who helped me during the past few months but I am hesitant to ask them for this kind of help - they are all very busy with their families/activities. I have decided to take pics for now..Thanks for the hugs!

Thanks SoaringSpirits - thats a great idea, I will check with my attorney.

I spoke to my attorney today and she suggested a couple of options. One - Stop this visitation if it continues this way this weekend as well and notify his lawyer that we are stopping due to his drinking every time. Two - stop the visitation and file a motion with court citing the same reason. Or continue for some more time and see how it goes.. I will mull over my options this weekend and then decide..

Thanks for the support!
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Old 09-17-2011, 01:06 PM
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oh my goodness I am here too. AH no A consumption around children, and no A six hours before visit.

Twice this week, I saw him with A. So the kids couldn't visit. Of course AH was furious. Oh.flipping.well.dude. YOU AGREED to the terms! Drink=no kids. That simple.
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Old 09-17-2011, 06:26 PM
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Not to slam the lawyers who came up with this, but really, how exactly is anyone to know whether he drank 4 hrs before he sees the kids? Are you supposed to believe his words about this?

I think that his being passed out drunk ought to be reason enough for there to be supervised visitation.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
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Old 09-17-2011, 08:52 PM
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Is there a visitation center in your area? Here, you can take your kids to a neutral place, and either the visitation happens there (and can be supervised) or the parents check the kids in and out. There is a fee here, but it is not very expensive.

How old are the kids?

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but it sounds like you are doing the right thing.

Kitty
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Old 09-18-2011, 07:43 AM
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Originally Posted by BeProactive View Post
I spoke to my attorney today and she suggested a couple of options. One - Stop this visitation if it continues this way this weekend as well and notify his lawyer that we are stopping due to his drinking every time. Two - stop the visitation and file a motion with court citing the same reason. Or continue for some more time and see how it goes.. I will mull over my options this weekend and then decide..
In my personal opinion, number 2 sounds like the way to go. Having the courts involved takes out any guess work.
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Old 09-18-2011, 10:08 AM
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Yeah, I'm thinking door number 2. Hopefully there'll be a sensible judge who'll see that the "no drinking for 4 hours" thing is useless if there's no enforcement or oversight. Like the people who made the visitation agreement were like, "Problem drinking? We'll just tell him not to drink! Simples!"
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Old 09-18-2011, 11:17 AM
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The pictures with a time stamp should be all you need to prove to the courts that he is not keeping his end of the agreement. I agree with the above- that number 2 seems like the best option for you in my opinion.
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Old 09-18-2011, 12:50 PM
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So sorry you and the kids dealing w/ this. It must be hard, I know my younger kids have great anticipation for visits w/ A father. It's sad that they need to deal w/ more disappointment in their young lives.

My own experience (court just last week!) involved going to court after he filed motion for visitation. I went and explained situation and history and fears about him drinking, possible driving, safety of kids. It was hard, and he said lots of mean stuff about me. Trying to imply that I have drinking problem (I do not). thank god my alanon recovery helped keep me calm and detach from his crazy BS!

End result: the moderator and then the judge saw through to the truth. They were able to determine that alcohol is a serious problem for him. The decision was visits every other weekend. He needs alcohol testing prior to and after each visit. I guess the test shows alcohol consumption for previous 100 hours. The idea being he will have full parental rights during these weekends of court ordered sobriety. Not ideal, it's like a bandaid on a gaping wound. It will not ensure sobriety, but will ensure no drinking for a couple of days. Our first weekend will b nervous for me, but hopefully he will maintain this for now. Who knows where his disease will take him or how this will all play out.

For me, I needed courts help. Agreements made w/ active alcoholic can not work. Their disease will not allow them to keep promises, be honest, be dependable. It's just not possible. Even lawyers talking and agreements will be ignored. I know it's hard and stressful to involve police and courts. Police was something I hated my kids to experience. But you obviously need help and it should not be he said/she said. He may threaten and talk a lot of stuff to scare you, but the courts seemed to be familiar with his type of lies and denial and proclomations of false recovery. You will be ok. It sounds like it may be time for you to go to court to put some boundaries and limits that have some force behind it! None of us can fight alcoholism on our own, your lawyer should help you find ways so it's not just you and the ex with no support or backing for you.

Good luck. It's very scary and prob not how you ever pictured your family. I had to get passed worrying about offending him or hurting his feelings. Now, it's all about what is best for me and kids. It's NOT selfish, it's keeping your family as healthy and happy as possible.
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Old 09-18-2011, 12:55 PM
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Oh, one more thing... He claimed the testing fee ($30) each time was high and I should pay. When asked, I said no. I felt very strongly that this would be another form of enabling. He requires alcohol testing as a direct result of his drinking. If he needs testing to ensure safety while with our kids, that is his issue, his problem, his consequence to own.
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Old 09-18-2011, 01:13 PM
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Apart from all the legal stuff, it's the saddest thing that he doesn't remain sober to enjoy the time with his children-the worst aspect always for me was for the children to see idiotic behaviour from an adult. It is so hard to take when you know they need a good role model. Thankfully mine are old enough now to detach (partially) from all that.
Good luck!
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